misshaaag

[misshaaag]

[misshaaag]

the sky, the moon, the stars--Always constant

[misshaaag]

adventure, adventure, adventure.  I highly recommend it.

[misshaaag]

Channeling my inner Janis

[misshaaag]

Past Fixation

Everyday I wake up fixated on the past.  The past where I was a fun, hilarious, drug induced human.  Everyone keeps saying sober Kelly is the best Kelly, but that's hard to believe when all I keep thinking about are my fun times when I'm fucked up.  And thats all the stories people keep talking about too! "Oh kelly remember when you tripped hella acid and dislocated your shoulder?" "Remember when we K holed and were super fucked up we missed the show?"

That all sounds super not fun as fuck but in the moment those stories were crazy, they were ridiculous, they held special meaning to me.  A lot of my good memories were of when I was fucked up.  Maybe not on heroin because when I did heroin I was mostly alone and numbed feelings I didn't want to deal with.   But I was on acid, mushrooms, molly, adderall, ketamine, cocaine, booze--Damn I was a fun person and had the craziest times and memories.  

Memories.  Thats all they ever will be now, and that upsets me because my friends can still create new memories while doing the drugs that I cant.  Doing heroin ruined me to the point where now I realize I cant do any substance without feigning for that sweet small dose of smack.   I'm left alone without substance and I'm missing out on memories with my best friends. 

They say they like sober Kelly more, yet I am not able to go do the things they like or sometimes aren't even invited.  I hate the feeling of being left out and alone.  Alone brings me back to black days.

I have been struggling with this feeling ever since I tried to get sober in January 2019.  So I decided to look into other communities where I can fit in and be included more without feeling like an outsider.  Funny thing is I am an actual outsider right now.  My friends won't talk to me or even hang out with me. For this I am alone.

Moving on. I found this Facebook group called the Hummingbirds--a sober basshead/festie group.  I asked for advice on how to enjoy my old fun activities while being sober and while being with the people who don't need to be sober.  I am sick of fucking up everytime I am out and feel like I need to be intoxicated.  I NEED to be okay with sober Kelly, or no one will.  

[misshaaag]

Fucking up (again).

I fucked up again.  Booze, beer.  Like what the fuck Kelly! Haven't talked to my friends in weeks, bitches ignoring me. But can I blame them? They need space away from me--I am alot to handle when it comes to me using and having mental breakdowns.  I said some fucked up shit, but guess what? NEWS FLASH: I have the lowest self esteem so saying I want to shoot heroin and die isn't exactly a lie...

Sometimes I day dream of overdosing.  That way I could actually see how much I am actually missed.  The fucked up part is everyone says i need to fix myself and get "better" but when left alone, I'm sad, scared, and isolated.  It makes me want it even more.  Addicts can't be left alone otherwise dark shit happens.  Haven't cut my skin open yet though with needle--so victory?

I don't think I've ever been so low before; at least not like this for a very very long time.  

I keep thinking of smack.  Like 24/7.  I thought of my ex today and imagined how great it would be to go home, shoot up, fuck, repeat.  That's what was going on a year ago today.  I want to say so badly that being sober has made me happier but I'd be partially lying.  Getting sober and figuring out my brain has been the most difficult thing I've had to do in my 26 years of living.  Harder than graduating college, harder than moving 1,000 miles away by myself, harder than accepting the fact that I could die of heroin any second.  

The thing is, I WANT to be better and "fixed".  But its so hard when you've been broken for years.  It's even worse when the people closest to you also agree you're broken.  

I was doing so good for months.  Then I found out some information that got me into my head.  That Sober Kelly is still the same insane person she was when she was a dope user.  But maybe I'm the actual sane one and everyone else is just sucked into this basic straight edge life.  I mean honestly I've really had all the life experiences many will never have, which is good because I live a fucked up life.  I've gone through more shit than the average joe...

When you have hardships and fucked up thoughts like me, it's even harder to change overnight.  I know I can be fixed but it might take months--hell years even to get straight and not hate myself every second.  I need to find my true worth.  Heroin has taken all my esteem and self love and worth and tossed it away--just like everyone does to a junkie who can't get it together.  

Being unwanted by some due to my past is something I'll always have to live with.  Accepting it is the challenge.  How do you accept something that's unforgivable? Still working on that one, along with the plethora of issues that go along with forgiveness of an ungodly act such as being a heroin addict.  I know I'll figure it out in time but right now what's helping me, oddly enough, is being mad at me and the world because hating me is easier than forgiving me.  It's exhausting to forgive and easier to hate and block out future prospects that seem so out of reach right now.  

Just keep thinking: JUST FOR TODAY. Tomorrow will become easier.  

[misshaaag]

Sweet Home Heroin

Yesterday marked the day I moved from Wisconsin to Colorado.  3 years I've been in this new place in which I thought only good could come from. That I'd be happier, successful.  It didn't quite go as I hoped or planned.  The worst years of my life happened here: getting hooked on heroin and cocaine, finding out I have borderline personality disorder and acute bipolar, hindering all of my important relationships and friendships due to the prior two listed.  The best years of my life also happened here: Getting a job and becoming a manager of my own restaurant, traveling more than I ever have, getting hooked on heroin. 

I say that because if it wasn't for the boy who got me on the tar,  I would be further down the rabbit hole and unknowingly and unwillingly wanting to get out.  I was always into doing drugs and I got on the coke train pretty quick without anyone's help.  Cocaine made me feel alive, and manic, and excited.  All feelings euphoric.  It helped me get shit done fast at work and let me live on as little sleep as possible so I would never miss out on an adventure.  It made me skinny. I loved how coke made me feel and look.  

Doing cocaine with the boy daily eventually turned into doing heroin weekly.  This made me even skinnier and made me feel...confused.  I was crazy and hyped up one minute and then I was all of a sudden anxious and negative and numb.  The comedown from cocaine is terrible.  It made me irritable, angry, hateful.  So doing heroin after a coke binge would take me down to feeling nothing.  Just bliss and peace in the moment, but only for a couple of hours.  I would do heroin before bed to sleep well and start my early mornings with blow to get me through the day all energized and happy.  I thought people didn't know I was on drugs.  I thought I hid it well.  But I was dead wrong.

If the boy didn't get me into heroin, I would still be doing cocaine constantly.  Maybe not heroin, but definitely still be on coke and riding that wave as if nothing was wrong with me or my life choices.  I probably wouldn't be where I am with my job today let alone have the job I'm at.  Heroin opened my eyes and helped me see how dark of a path I wandered off to.  It helped me realize, "Damn, I am a drug addict and I need HELP."  

After a fucked up Christmas in 2018 after I shot up coke and heroin together, I almost ruined my entire life by acting psychotic and lying about everything.  The thing about drugs is, they make you an incredible liar to the point where you don't even know what the actual truth is.  I was living a lie, my friends were living my lies, and the worst part was I blamed them for everything.  

I started recovery in January 2019 and that was the first time in my life I realized how much I fucked up the past year and half.  I'm still fucking up and trying to learn from each mistake made down this road of recovery.  It's so fucking hard though.  Sometimes I don't think there is a light at the end of my tunnel because I never have seen a light at the end of a tunnel before. 

I can't blame Colorado for all the bad that has happened, but I can blame the people: that person being me.  And only I can turn it around and make my life good again.  

[misshaaag]

Well, tomorrow I start the biggest adventure yet to be thrown at me-moving to Colorado. and if it wasn't for this amazing lady whom I call my best friend, I would be lost and a complete mess. Even when we argue, misinterpret, or have off days I know I can always count on you mals for love and support. I couldn't imagine doing this huge life changing move without you by my side. You're my best friend; my sister. Thank you for helping me and making this transition smoother than it would have been if I did it by myself. I'm very excited to see what Fort Collins will bring me and I'm even more excited to be living so close to my soul sister! 🌙👯💗✌🏼️🏔

[misshaaag]

Adventures with bestie ☺️ #Rocky #mountain #national #park #hiking #adventures #colorado (at Rocky Mountain National Park)

[misshaaag]

Smoke break 😁✌🏼️

[misshaaag]

[misshaaag]

[misshaaag]

#Flashbackfriday to the start of the road trip that marked the best time of my life with this lovely lady of course! I'd give anything to go back right now and relive this amazing time! Now we can just look forward to #roadtrip2017 !! 👯💗🚗 #roadtrip #2016 #mountains #summer17RoadtripRoundTwo #bestofbest (at Rocky Mountains)

[misshaaag]

Down in the Badlands she was saving the best for last @mallory_coral 💗✌🏼️😘 #badlands #national #park #road #tripping #round2 #best (at Badlands National Park)

[misshaaag]

You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.

Jamie Tworkowski  (via mrsclarkkent)

[misshaaag]

I'm not even Irish but I have the best luck; love love LOVE these ladies 💗😘😋😁😊 #stpattysday #luckoftheirish #lucky #colorado #2016 #swag (at Fort Collins, Colorado)

[misshaaag]

Good morning hike #arches #national #park #utah #spring #2016 #road #trip 📷: @mallory_coral (at Delicate Arch, Arches National Park, Utah, USA)