miraxavier

[miraxavier]

Some reason I’m having an imaginary conversation that could happen during my annual gyn exam and it’s with my surgeon. The conversation goes into me telling him my excitement and how gender euphoric it’s going to be. Along with how I’m trying to calm my anxiety.

…

Saying how regardless of my gender I would have sort out this surgery due to family history that surrounds our reproductive organs. From birth mom dying of ovarian cancer at the age of 35. My aunt and sister having an emergency hysterectomy due to a condition that can lead to death.

Then I tell him how I’m trying to view the whole process the same as when I got my wisdom teeth removed. How I the healing process is going to be difficult. From this will be the first time I go completely under, to for a while I’m going to be very uncomfortable. Not being able to sleep how I typically sleep, not being able to do things how I typically do things. The healing process is going to very well make me dread and question my decisions to do all this. I’ll most likely have moments of regret due to how uncomfortable I am.

But I’m trying to remind myself of all the uncomfortably I went through with my wisdom teeth. This moment of uncomfortableness is worth the end results. Like how my whole experience before and after my wisdom teeth removal was practically night and day.

From the constant pain and swelling I got due to accidental cheek biting vs now I can eat food without worrying about if I’m going to hurt myself in the process. It’s such a liberating feeling. My life greatly improved after a surgery I never thought was possible.

Things I never thought I would ever be able to do suddenly became accessible to me. I never could imagine how much my life would improve by getting teeth removed. I always found it strange that people would voluntarily remove a part of their body. Especially when I grew up being taught it was very taboo to change what god had given you.

Because of my religious upbringing is why I struggled so greatly. From the thoughts that I was broken because I wasn’t what I was “supposed” to be. I tried so hard to find ways to justify my feelings and thoughts to be the perfect catholic daughter I was told to be. And after my grandmother passed is when I just couldn’t take it. I felt like god abandoned me. It felt like there was simply no god because he took away the one person who gave me unconditional love and made me feel human.

I became so bitter after her death, and I was only 8 at the time. I felt like her death was my fault. From that day on I had questioned if there truly was a great being judging our very existence and the concept of good and bad.

It’s when I started to just give up on any kind of belief. What was the point in believing in someone so evil and cruel. The very being my father constantly used to justify his actions. A being that evil people used to justify murder and violence. I don’t want to believe in something that causes pain.

I hated how my family would constantly interrogate me on why I didn’t believe in what they believed. The only reason I still attempted to follow some of their customs was because my grandpa was still alive. I at least wanted to keep being true to the side of religion my grandparents showed me. That as long as you’re kind and understanding then that’s all that matters. And when he passed I was grateful to know he left with a smile. It brought me joy that he said how he can see grandma and his god son there to take him home. Somehow it gave me hope on what awaits me on the other side.

My grandpa died in 2020. Grandma died when I was 8, I’m 31 now.

Even though I attempted to be myself slowly over the years, but grandpa’s death made it final. After that I spoke with a therapist and slowly became truthful to myself about my sexuality. It felt amazing to finally be out, especially to myself. My family was still hesitant. Thankfully things had started changing after my parents got their official divorce and dad moved out.

Sure, in high school I tried to find myself and such but family still had a huge advantage over me. Then there was college, which I’m glad I survived that. But finally coming out that I was lesbian was so rewarding. Especially when the few true friends I had made accepted me without question. It made me wonder if that’s how my grandparents would react if they were still alive and I told them.

And when I started to realize that I can go about changing my physical form to match how I mentally was became liberating in so many ways. At that, these same friends who supported me being lesbian also supported me in me not being female. To be honest, I have always stated that whenever I was around them. But to fully say it without holding back made it ten times better.

As much as I miss NYC, because of my amazing friends, I’m glad I left. Since now I been able to work up to being myself without family enforcing what I’m supposed to be. And as I went through a more intimate and uncomfortable honest therapy I finally been able to forgive myself and tell my younger self it was never my fault. So my goal in life now is to be able to live to the fullest so I can have stories to tell my grandparents when the time comes. Along with keeping their teachings to heart because only their opinions matter. Which makes me happy because I know deep down they would still love and accept me for not being a straight cis female. They would still love me with all their heart even though I don’t follow their religion. They would only want me to be happy and a good person, no matter how that would look like. For that, I’m gonna do my best to make them proud of me because they’re the only people that matter!

[miraxavier]

Have you ever read something and your instant reaction is “how out of touch are you” and/or “how old are you” Like not in a disrespectful way but in a “what the hell am I reading” way.

When it comes to articles and reports there’s a certain tone that is “almost” ageless. But certain words or formats tend to throw the whole thing off.

For example me using the word “like”, it’s very casual and the way I speak. But when I write a (close to non bias) article and/or thesis paper I remove my casual tone. Making it difficult to determine whether or not the piece is fiction (like a joke paper).

But I just read something that really threw me off to the point that I no longer wanted to continue reading. It’s upsetting because it could have been a very interesting piece if it didn’t sound like a grandparent wrote it.

Like there is a way to express joy over an event while also keeping an engaging tone. Sure, I still struggle adjusting my tone to stay engaging but when I read this piece I was turned off in the first sentence. Which, based on my many English teachers and studies I read, isn’t always a good sign for the rest of the article.

The whole point of the first sentence is to draw a reader in. Not throw them off and no longer wishing to engage.

Maybe I’m being too critical over something so trivial. But it’s disheartening because based on the overall format (the title and image used) I would have enjoyed reading. Yet I just couldn’t continue.

[miraxavier]

When will Gen Z stop feeling threatened by ftms for identifying with the lesbian community, calling themselves lesbians, calling themselves male lesbians, ftm lesbians, lesboys, etc. Go to a lesbian bar please.

Gender and sexuality is weird. Telling ftm lesbians to "identify as nonbinary" is weird. Some people just aren't nonbinary, they're ftm and lesbians. Who are you to tell someone how they experience their gender and sexuality?

Lots of people make the argument that "identifying as contradictory labels invalidates everyone." Other people's identities are not invalidating your own. Your validation doesn't depend on how other people who don't know you exist. There is no wrong way to identify or express your gender.

[miraxavier]

[miraxavier]

Is it weird that I’m trying to develop a personal reminder that when I get sad I should think about my wisdom teeth? Cause strangely it does make me happy when I look at them. They remind me how I got through something major on my own. By all accounts it was my first surgery experience where I had something major change about my body. Something I never thought possible.

How during the led up to getting my wisdom teeth removed I did my research to prepare myself for the healing, what I should expect, and figuring out a way to keep my anxiety levels low to be able to get through it. And look at me now! I went through two wisdom teeth surgeries! One for each side.

Even though the healing process was annoying and exhausting. Especially when I couldn’t eat certain foods, had a sleep a certain way, and had to be extra careful on what I did. But at the end of it all I no longer suffer from constantly accidentally biting the inside of my cheeks to where I would get painful blisters. And eating would become unbearable. And now, the only mouth pain I get is if I eat extremely hot or cold foods. Along with a few sensitivity issues. But overall my quality of life improved significantly with my wisdom teeth removed.

And when I recently got a molar removed, due to it being blown out from cavity, the experience wasn’t as dramatic. I was able to adjust my behavior without effort. So, my time healing went by without stress.

Which makes me hopeful about any upcoming surgeries, since I have such a positive outcome. Not to mention I also been preparing for the surgeries in other ways. Such as working with a dermatologist about my scars form skin picking. Which led me to find out another issue I had been struggling with my whole life but family never helped me with. In fact, they shamed me for something I didn’t understand and never gave me a chance to seek treatment. (Don’t worry, this skin thing isn’t life threatening… from my knowledge.)

So, yeah. Working with a dermatologist is not only helping me prep for surgeries that will leave noticeable scars. But also helping with health issues that have gone untreated for a very long time.

Then there’s me taking similar steps the way I did with prepping for my wisdom tooth removal. I been doing my research. Preparing my home to accommodate my healing process. Buying first aid supplies for keeping surgery site clean. Such as gaze and surgical tape so I can change bandages. Especially if they say I have to do so during my first two weeks after surgery. (I’m referring to my hysterectomy surgery)

I know for top surgery there’s gonna be a few things I’m gonna have to work around. Which I’m looking forward to that challenge.

But yeah. I’m trying to remind myself of my wisdom teeth every time I get sad.

[miraxavier]

Vehicle Checklist

Safety

Ground clearance.

I need to be able to comfortably fit both my legs under the vehicle. That means it’s high enough that I can (by myself) do regular inspections without setting my vehicle on jacks.

It needs to be high enough to prevent damage from debris, road construction, rocks and other medium-sized objects when off-roading, curbsides, and any damages that low vehicles suffer from.

Assessable maintenance.

Constant visibility

Not just being able to judge the distance between my vehicle and its surroundings visually, but also having a clear view of a greater field. 

The better I’m able to see a greater distance, the easier it is for accident prevention.

The benefit of a car is having less internal visual clutter. No extra rows of seats, making it easier to see behind me. 

Constant Visual Aid

This is where a truck bed is perfect. 

Looking straight back, the line of the bed can help me determine if something is too close or too far.

The sides do the same as the bed line, but for my blind spot.

A truck bed is very constant, making it the perfect visual aid as I learn to drive. A car and SUV have so many inconsistencies between models and builds that it’s very easy for me to misjudge the distance of my immediate area, making it less safe for me.

Heavy built

I need something that can handle being hit. Because no matter how carefully I drive, there’s still a likelihood of me getting into an accident due to things outside my control. 

So, having something that can handle getting ram into highers my chances of surviving.

Cars are easily not the right choice in this aspect.

SUVs are a hit or miss with this. Mostly in part to make and model. Too many variables to consider.

By core design, trucks are built for heavy-duty off-road work. Making them able to handle extreme pressures. They are built more firmly across the board, regardless of maker and model. The true difference between trucks, besides the year they were made, are minor details like the engine, the way they look, and interior finishes.

Lifestyle

Personal Life

It’s just me and my cat. So, having something with a lot of seating is wasted on me. I need just enough seating space to have room for my cat and me.

Adventures

I want to make a lot of off-road trips, like going to Yellowstone and camping. 

I want to go exploring and do things I could have only dreamed of.

Personal Playground

The benefits of a convertible without a convertible

To be able to comfortably look at the stars on trips to the wild while not having to be on the ground.

To park in a parking lot and sit in the bed of my truck and people watch as I eat food. There are no laws against sitting in the back of a truck while it’s parked. I do know in some states it’s illegal to ride in the back of a truck while it’s in motion.

Personal opinion

A truck is more versatile compared to any other vehicle.

A truck has more safety features built-in than other vehicles. And I’m not talking about computer safety features. It’s the way trucks are built. The fact that they’re working vehicles gives them an advantage in safety before adding modern safety features.

[miraxavier]

Went scissor happy trying to cut as much bleached hair as possible. Temporarily back to my bangs until I can cut off more.

It feels nice to cut off that bulk of hair.

[miraxavier]

Based on how things went with a housing situation, I now question a few things about myself. For example at what level of function do I truly have and what am I denying myself of. For it has been brought up to my attention multiplied times that I do have some issues with caring for myself. At that, I don’t seem to be truly aware of my own limits and for so long didn’t thin much of it.

Based on how my room looks at this very moment, I can easily say I have trouble keeping a clean environment. But based on how he questions are asked on the Social Security forms I never know what to say. At that, it doesn’t help that I constantly draw a blank when put on the spot. Many times I need to have reminders or outside sources helping me to complete task ad ask questions.

I do constantly complain that my roommates do make my self care very difficult. Along with currently living situation. But at what point is it them or me that has the majority of the issues. I have always struggled to keep a clean room to which I needed help in maintaining. There’s also cooking that takes up a process, that if not done I do not eat. In fact I need reminders to eat.

I think this is where a lot of my written issues comes along. I would have moments of clarity and be able to pinpoint where my problems are. But the moment I have to answer in a specific format is when things become blanked. Especially when the questions asked of me makes no sense and I do not have assistance in understanding.

I look forward to my appointment in December. And maybe I should bring some notes with me, so I could potentially discuss them. That might help my case a little more since paperwork is one of my weaknesses. Along with having a well formatted list, I could, hopefully, explain my dilemma with under pressure requirements.

The fact that I am writing in such a format, using certain words and trying to be clear, is more due to the fact I am in a manic type state. Along with years of learning to write due to it being something I have always and still struggle with. The only difference is that this is a skill that I had to teach myself, because nobody would help me. Same goes for many other skills that is required to be considered a scholastic master for the working force.

In many forms, outside of on paper, I would come across as a very intelligent individual. But on paper and in school I have always struggled to keep my grades high enough to pass. This even includes the many specialist classes and eventually a specialized school. With my history of both emotional disturbance and below average intellect one would assume I would not go far. Yet due to my upbringing I was forced to take measurements into my own hands to be able to not be seen as a burden.

So in the end I suffer greatly due to imposing that I do not struggle with daily tasks. But in reality, there is so much I can do before I have reached my limits. Case in point, when I try to maintain a blog but end up taking many weeks to months in-between post. Since a high volume of my post are done during my own manic episodes and I have a moment of clarity. Which isn’t fair to anyone, including myself.

[miraxavier]

Finally got a screen protector and case for my new phone. Everything is so smooth.

And my iPad case and keyboard is here. Super excited.

[miraxavier]

Hair definitely needs a trim. Especially for damaged ends. Once my hair gets to the point where I cut out all the bleach ends would be fun. I’m still learning to take care of my hair, so this is a fun experiment.

Especially since I’m learning what my hair needs and buying products I never thought I would use. Just the process of taking care of myself is a big deal. I even getting to the point my cooking skills are improving.

At that, being limited both in physical living conditions and skills, I’m still impressed with when I’m able to make a pretty dish.

Hair growth start last year in May, also when I decided to quit drinking. Then one year later. Lastly hair in September.

Looking forward how my hair will be when I reach the 2 year mark.

Hair goal is to have my long hair again, but healthier. My hair growth isn’t just about hair but also me undo years of traumatic upbringing and learning self care.

Also, taking care of my hair gives me something to focus on while I wait to get top surgery.

[miraxavier]

Shinsou: So did you kiss Todoroki? Midoriya: No, the moment wasn't right. He could actually be my future husband! I need our first kiss to be amazing! Shinsou: Aww that's so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?

[miraxavier]

A lot of growth is being made and you came a long way. Should be proud how far the small steps that builds your path. Feelings of what each step gave is ok. Allow yourself every emotions, even the ones you try to deny. Growth isn’t just physical but also emotional and mental.

[miraxavier]

A lot of growth is being made and you came a long way. Should be proud how far the small steps that builds your path. Feelings of what each step gave is ok. Allow yourself every emotions, even the ones you try to deny. Growth isn’t just physical but also emotional and mental.

[miraxavier]

Sometimes I don’t even want to vent because it just makes me sound like an ungrateful and selfish individual. I should just continue smiling and being happy for everyone around me. Even when I feel a string of jealousy over my situation not seeming to get better.

I shouldn’t complain or whine about things I can’t not control. Even when said things affect me. I just need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am that I at least have a room to sleep in. How lucky I am that I can afford my cellphone. Or how lucky I am… … … I don’t know. Still breathing? I guess.

Sure, being able to make a meal or eat is a huge struggle. Especially when there’s no way for me to do that. No room or accessibility. Sure, being able to use the restroom or shower is close to impossible. Besides paying for said shower. Or how if the bathrooms are locked or out of service. Who cares. Then there’s the issue with washing clothes.

But then again, who cares. As long as I say I’m fine it’ll be ok. As long as I just focus on writing fanfics nothing else will matter. Not like I matter or anything.

[miraxavier]

Poem 1: A Rose

Sometimes I wonder if the rose on the other side ever feels lonely. With how much I scream and shout, it will never hear me.

The way this glass box surrounds me, I can feel the oxygen escaping my lungs. But there is no door or window for me to leave.

The rose is just so close to my grasp yet behind the invisible wall. It looks so lovely as it withers from the changing seasons.

But at last, the hole in my being can not be complete. The taste of freedom so close to my touch. Yet I am denied its gentle kisses.

The pain of having my soul ripped to pieces has never left as the sun and moon share the passage of time. Fabrics of my cosmos' still unhealed from the loss of stars.

A simple rose teasing the glass. It looks so inviting as its blood red colors shine under the teardrops of the rain.

The rainbow that glimmers in my cage leaves such a child like wonder. The same wonder that refuses to die as my flesh grows with age.

A body that's broken into pieces. That this glass room has kept it together. As the storm rage on, the rose still stands tall.

Even when the bush no longer bares any other flower. This one rose still stays with me.

As the butterflies visits for its meal, it leaves so soon. And as I scream for their return the rain begins anew.