mindunfollowed - Tumblr blog

[mindunfollowed]

Temptation

How can you be so hurt over something you already know? You want it & you know how it ends. You don't want it but you don't wanna miss the opportunity. You want it but you can't have it. It brings satisfaction but at the same time it hurts like hell. You want to do what's right for you and what's right for them so you put the want aside & fight back the tears. Why am I always the late one?

[mindunfollowed]

I've been her

Noone ever wants to actually admit to the many roles we take on. I can admit to myself the crazy things I do and the reasons why that only make sense to me.

I've been her. The side chick. Knowingly & willing. Why? 1. Because the last guy was upfront about him already having a girlfriend. 2. I was also seeing someone at the time... although not serious & not intimately... I thought I wanted to go beyond a friendship with me. 3. I thought I could handle it!

This guy was a whole package. He was handsome beyond words.. a true gentleman. But how if he isn't loyal 🤔. A man will do what a man wants to do! He's helped me see & understand that. Does it mean that he loves her any less.. NO. God puts people in our lives for a reason. He helped me see & believe this. Maybe he too needed me to help him find something missing in himself or his relationship.

My question to me is why do I keep finding myself in this same position. It could be because there are less demands on me! I don't have all the time one may need so I'm just there for companionship. Yes I know I'm worth way more than just that but until I find a man honest like them it may just have to suffice.

[mindunfollowed]

i love laying the FUCK down and sleeping

[mindunfollowed]

Right here, right now

I cant believe I'm right here right now about to type this. It's been 2 days since I have heard from C. I'd be lying to myself if I said it didn't matter to me! After our exchange Sunday morning I felt a strong connection & what I wanted to feel like when I'm with someone. I'm not sure if he felt that too, if he has decided to do right, or if something else has come up. You know how you get yourself in a similar situation to one from the past and you tell yourself you won't get yourself too involved and that you can handle it. Yea....... I mean it did start out as just something fun but that fun was good like releasing that side of me and being free was everything. Don't get me wrong everything about him turns me on but I know what it is and I got to stop it. I just want to talk to him again and let him know that if anything ever changes I hope he remembers me.

[mindunfollowed]

New found glory unveiled

These past few days have been very revealing and eye opening. It's so tough that I haven't fully processed it and decide where to go with it. That's why I'm here..to get it all out and find a true conclusion.

They say God puts people in our lives for a reason. I am really starting to believe this and find everyone's purpose. I will break each person's purpose from how I see it or what the person has taught me.

So first I will start with J. We had a 2 year long situationship. 3 months into us talking I found out he had a girlfriend that he never fully claimed. He had a hold on me for a long time and letting him go was very hard for me. After I finally realized that he was only good for 1 thing I kept it at that until I eventually had enough of all that came with it. So Friday I was bored and end up calling him. We talked, caught up, and planned to meet for breakfast the next day. He wanted me to come over first for old time sake fun but somehow God blocked that. Long story short I didn't end up seeing him. Had God not sent a code red I may have did something I really didn't want to do. He has taught me not to settle and to build what I want before I give myself away. He has also taught me to take things for what it is... I will elaborate in a few.

Next there is R. He was in town for the holidays. I had wrote him and told him that he crossed my mind and said I had crossed his too. He called me one night and wanted to see me but it was late and I would have had to drive an hour home. We had a big falling out so I wasn't with running when he wanted me! The next day he invited me out and I end up leaving him hanging. He was mad because I "stood him up twice" but I felt like he was setting me up if I drove an hour to see him. Today I wrote him but he said I fucked up our relationship a long time ago. With him saying that I was really proud that I did not go out of my way to see him! He said he'd never forgive me so I have no choice but to respect that. He taught me that I come first and to not jump just because someone wants me to!

S. Sometimes I miss him and wish I had given him a fair chance. [F brought my communication issues to my attention.] I feel like if I had better communicated how he made me feel we could have made it somewhere. He taught me to just let things flow and that I can be appreciated.

I. So yesterday I congratulated a friend on her new love. She told me they had dated back in the day but he was too clingy so she cut him off but somehow they ended up back together! I told her about 'I' and how he was clingy and still writes me to this day even though he gets no response. Said I should give him a fair shot. I would but like I tell anyone I don't feel like he is educated enough and it's a huge turn off. He has shown me how it feels to be treated by a man. I've learned that it's okay to walk away where we feel we don't fit!

Next there is F. Things had been going well until a line was crossed. We came back then feel apart when I learned of his extracurricular activities. I'm not sure how I got mad when I was doing the same thing but I didnt. Fucking double standards. It's only been a couple days since then and they have been rocky. Yesterday I had invited him out to celebrate with me and it did not turn out as expected. Let's just say that we are coming to an end very soon. This has taught me that I can in fact hold out, not to lower my expectations, to believe that a person is who they show you, to not try and change a person, and that potential and words only go but so far.

C. Taken exactly what it is for. He has helped me look at the male species in another light. Although doing wrong I can understand. He still has a high level of respect and I can't do anything but admire it and respect it. I was comfortable talking to him about my life this morning and he opened up to me about his upbringing, loss of his mother, and his trust issues. He has shown me how I want to feel when I am with someone. He has brought out a side of me I want to share with the man that God has on earth for me. His nickname will be SM because that's how it felt this morning.

[mindunfollowed]

Suppression or regression?

I look at myself & I see change. I think about how I have changed and I admire myself and the strength I have after what I've been through. Sometimes I feel like I am regressing allowing things I said I no longer would. But it's like I know the ropes now and how to handle myself in the situations so I go with it although it may not always be what's best. I'm not always happy about my decisions and I often make myself mad but when I remember my growth and that I'm in charge of my feelings it helps me get through. I feel like I've mastered the art of suppression. I block out my feelings and certain thoughts. Sometimes I even feel like I am emotionless. I guess always giving my heart to the wrong people and getting it broke time after time you develop a certain demeanor to it all. Even if I regress I still make progress because there is also a lesson to be learned.

[mindunfollowed]

2 different

Feel like I'm living two different lives now. Giving half of me to one and the other half to another when one wants both parts of me.

[mindunfollowed]

Feelings

Sometimes I feel like I'm cold hearted. It's like I'm out of touch with the way I feel for other people. I care but only to a certain extent. I feel it holds me back. As much as I want love i fight it. Scared to let myself fall and be hurt all over again.

[mindunfollowed]

Failing him

Ever feel like someone is testing you? Feel like you always fail? I don't know what's wrong with me but I just cannot seem to get it right. He has sent me some great men but I just fucked them all up. I say I want to be happy but when I am given the chance I just fuck it up.

There was "R". Military background, family oriented, we got along great. Somewhere down the line things changed after I couldn't understand how he felt about a situation.

Then there was "S". Hard working, good father, family oriented, goals, ambitious, one woman man. He was just too all about me and I thought I didn't want that.

Next it was "I". Hard working and fun. He too was all about me. He was just extra clingy and always wanted me. He never had much to talk about and the way he text turned me off. I don't think he was very educated.

Last but not least "F". Uniformed background, family oriented, hard working, overall good dude. He said I changed over time.

I had 2 men that were willing to be all about me like I now say I want but at the time it turned me away. There's one that I told I don't mind him doing him but then it comes back on me because I feel like I'm in competition. The other I felt like there was competition but when I think back he practically was always on the Phone with me and he never had to click over for a beeping line. I just feel like a fucking failure sometimes.

Will I ever get it right?

[mindunfollowed]

it is important to remember that how I feel now isn’t permanent. I felt great two days ago. I will feel great again

[mindunfollowed]

Single & Dating

Sometimes I don't understand this dating game. They say you should date multiple people but on one hand I feel like you can't truely get to know someone if your time & attention is elsewhere. Then on the other hand it's like if you date multiple people at once you can possibly weed out the fake & you won't get too caught up in one person especially if they aren't exclusively dating you. This all ties in to what they call 'putting all your eggs in one basket.' Am I that type? More times than not. My thing is I don't have time to entertain multiple people. I can! But I'm not about to rack my brain wondering about different people when I have enough people in my life to worry about. I'm just like if I'm making this time for you see that I'm interested & show me the same effort. When you date multiple person they don't all get the same time, attention, & effort. Don't get me wrong. There may be some experienced people who has this down to a science. I'm just not one nor do I want one of those. I am at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down & be with my one person. Am I rushing? No! And maybe that turns people off that I'm not ready & willing to do the things that they want. That gives them the open door to have an egg. Can I be mad? Yes! But do I have right to be? No! THEY ARE SINGLE!