mindthebreakingwaves - Tumblr blog

[mindthebreakingwaves]

Just a stupid blog article about what 2017 brought me.

I've been wanting to write for a year now. But everything happens so quickly, and time flies, and with it goes the will, the logic, the reason to write again.

I dont really know what I come here to say. I guess it's a hearbreak bringing me here. And how it made me confront all my issues once again. And its the end of the year, so I guess its time for some soul searching, to evaluate what ive accomplished this past year, what walls ive punched through, and which new ones ive build.

First the good. The travels, the adventures, the never ending journey to see beautiful places, to realise my dreams. Ive been almost everywhere I wanted to. And obvisouly the list grew longer. With every dream landscape I checked out of my list, i added a new one, cause i never want this feeling to stop. Cause travelling is a drug. Cause the day you can sit and stare at the Grand Canyon, or swim in the transparent water of the Bahamas, or tan at the Varadero Beach, this day you're so high you never wanna get down again. Cause walking through the streets of New Orleans brought me so much joy and peace I'll spend the rest of my life looking for that feeling. Cause the laughs, the cries, the insecurities, everything just blends together in something so strong, so beautiful when you get to sit in four states at once. And it feels like I cant even remember everything ive seen or experienced, and I'm already planning what's coming next. I need a new fix.

But thats not all that was good this year. I found myself capable of being reliable, of working hard, of liking working hard. I dont know how i could have thought i was lazy cause im not. Im the opposite, work is an escape, work obliterates every stupid thoughts, every sad, every anxious idea. Ive wanted to drown myself into work, and the second I dont I just break a little bit again. I know I can do it, the best that I can. Ive done more in a year than ever before.

But I guess thats when the bad comes in, between work and my adventures. And is it really bad ? Ive done things i never thought i could do. Ive lied to myself and to others, ive been a mistress, ive been a heartbeaker, ive used people to numb the pain and the guilt. But ive also fulfilled some of my darkest and most secret fantasies. Ive confronted a part of me i was afraid of. And now im not afraid of it anymore, I now know what I would like, what I could do, if I only met someone who got me.

And I loved. More than ever before. Because I always stopped myself, I always stayed in my bubble, Ive always pushed people away. But at the beginning of the year, A. was opening up something in me, and some sort of hope just got into the cracks. Some hope and some bravery I guess. Something really stupid and overrated, cause ive hurt so much this year, its like all the years i was hiding just came back at me at once. And ive loved so many friends, thats the silver lining in all this. Meeting people i would never have met otherwise. Trusting people with who you are, completely. Being wrong sometimes, but getting it right so many other times. Cause you can give your trust, and some people will be there to catch you when you fall, and you'd want to be there for them too. Its unconditionnal. And although its friendship, and we cant know what will happen once the program is over, its real and strong now. And its just beautiful that way.

But there were heartbreaks. Thats what brought me here I said. It started with a crush who played me, and just chose my best friend at the time, without ever apologizing. Hurt like a bitch. You know, how my emotions are always all over the place, how my BPD is always throwing me against the walls ive build. But that was the beginning, of me falling for everthing that can be wrong in someone. For a guy that could never give me anything, expect what I truly wanted without knowing it. Falling for that kind of person you never thought would ever exist for you. Someone who doesnt love you, but someone who changed everything you were. I dont think ive ever wanted someone that much. But lust isnt love. I never fooled myself. I maybe tried to fool him, while he was trying to fool me. Cause yes I wanted more, but never the more he thought. And I guess thats the only regret, that I had to stop playing a rigged game before i could open that door inside of me totally. I think if he came back, now that ive lost the one that i really want, i would start playing again. But this is a story for next year.

Cause theres the real and stupid heartbreak that brought me here in the middle of the night. The reason ive been crying at every breakup songs for the past week, even before the actual breakup. The one ive got attached to so quickly i have to blame my BPD to understand my feelings. The one who made me feel so safe I had forgotten I could even be actually happy with someone. But i dont wanna talk too much about him. Cause theres no point anymore. Cause i miss him so much it hurts. Cause he's been nothing but perfect to me. And because ill be ok next year.

Everything will be ok next year. Cause im someone different, stronger and weaker at the same time. And this year has been the best and the worst. You know how cliché it is to say «  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times » ? Well it was. And i have a few more month to go, to get my fix, to get in line with myself, and to find the next step, the next thing ill wanna write about, in a year or so.

To be honest, im not even making any resolutions for this new year. And i dont even really know all the extend of what the past year has taught me. But I wanted to keep some record of it, somehow, like a summary, of all the good and bad. And thats what all this stupid tumblr article is all about.

[mindthebreakingwaves]

My ongoing fight with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Here I am again. I thought I was ok, I thought all the work had payed off. But hey, I knew from the start there was no cure, only work and work and work, for ever.

The first time I thought about killing myself I was 6. I don't remember why, I just remember everything hurt so much I just wanted to jump from my room's window.

And since then I've thought about ending it all so many times I can't even remember them all. It's just always there, the ultimate exit stategy, the comforting idea that if I can't take it, there's a way out.

My way of coping, my way of not going through with those suicidal thoughts, was always to think next year was going to be better. New classmates, new school, new city, new major, different weather, new friends, new whatever really. I was always running away from where I was, cause I didnt belong, cause it always ended up in me hurting so much I couldnt breathe.

But then, a week after my 24th birthday, I couldnt take it anymore. I didnt have a plan for next year. I was done with college, with no will whatsoever to work in the field I had my degree in. I was stuck. So i used my last card, and I went and asked for help. I thought, that if no one saved me, it was over, for real this time. I didnt eat anymore, just slept and cry all the time, I just wanted it to end.

And thats when I was lucky. I crumbled into tears in front of the college nurse. And she and the doctor were so worried I actually spent a few days in a hospital.

After that I had therapy twice a week for months. And on december 22, 2015, they told me I had been suffering from Borderline Personnality Disorder.

And it felt like the best Christmas gift ever. I wasnt crazy, I wasnt inventing all my suffering, it was all real, and I'm not the only one.

Sadly there's no cure, no magic pill to make all the pain and insecurities go away. Just therapy, forever and always, to help me identify my triggers and react appropriatly.

And I thought I was better. And in a way I probably am. I stopped worrying so much about the future, I'm not planning everything ten years in advance, I don't put pressure on myself that much anymore.

I try to be aware of all the good things I have in my life, and all the things I accomplished. My degree in law, my acceptance to the Disney representative program, my capacity of overcoming all the bad times. And all the friends I have, in the south of France, in Norway, anywhere really. I'm not that alone. When I feel the darkness come, i try to tell mysel 'I'm good enough, I have friends, I am capable of accompling things'.

Therapy helped me a lot really. But here I am, writing again, cause I haven't changed, and though I know my triggers I cant stop my feelings.

So, how does it feel most of the time ? How does it feel before I actually wanna kill myself ? How does a day go by with BPD ?

I actually don't do much of my day and don't interact with that many people. Cause everytime I do, I have to fight the feeling I'm not good enough and they're gonna leave me.

That's it, feeling of rejection, fear of being abandoned, feeling I'm never good enough. I just feel everything so deeply it always hurt. Even when I'm happy it hurts, cause i just know it won't last.

I remember last year, sitting in a car with friends, after an awesome two weeks in Norway, just fighting the will to cry, cause I was so happy, so grateful, to be with people I truly love, and so frightened that this moment would eventually end.

But thats the happy part. And it doesnt happen that often actually.

No. The thing is, when I let you in my life it means I care about you deeply, thats just how it is. I can't handle having too many people in my life for that very reason. Cause if I care about you I could do anything for you, but you don't realize that, and it's normal, you don't have BPD.

You don't know that if you take too long to answer a text I will be so scared I said something wrong and you don't like me anymore cause you realized I'm not worth it. You don't know that when you answer I have a big smile on my face cause I'm relieved you haven't left me.

You don't know that when you cancel some plans we had, I will spend the night crying, thinking you're finally tired of me. You don't know that if you invite me to some event, I'll feel so happy I could cry, and so scared cause that's one more opportunity for you to see through me, to see how broken I am.

Thats how it feels. And now that I know what's wrong, I actually try to tell myself I'm not being rational, I'm overthinking everything. But that's just how my brain works that's all.

BPD affects all relationships. Since I feel abandonned at the slightest change in someone's voice, it gets pretty hard to get close. I think that's why it's easier for me to have friends I can't see that much. Cause when I see them it's intense, always a good time, and I don't really have to deal with any real bad days, any real doubt. Me leaving is always hard though. But I just have good memories that way.

I would just do anything for the people in my life, really.

I know now that BPD is part of what distroyed my relationship with my dad. Cause, even though he was really being an asshole putting hif gf before my brother and I, I took everything way harder than my brother ever did. I was more mad, more sad, more hurt, I felt useless, not even capable to be someone that mattered to my own dad.

It's better now, we started seeing each other after 5 years, but I know I had to protect myself from all the ways he could possibly hurt me again. So I don't really know if we'll ever had a normal and open relationship.

I know now that BPD is probably why I fucked up the two most important relationships I had. The first one cause he never showed me I was enough for him, or maybe he did and it was just not enough for me, I will never really know. The second one, cause after a perfect year, things were just normal, and normal wasnt enough for me, cause him leaving me all the time and not sharing his feelings was just too much to handle.

I know now that BPD is what makes me wanna belong so much. I try so hard to be what people want me to be. I spent years hanging out with girls I didnt even like cause I wanted them to accept me. And of course, I was not pretty enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, not normal enough. The truth is, they were just not my kind of people, but back then, not being like them hurt so much all the time, it was just the most important thing in my life.

And I realize now that all this is way too personal, and that some people are just going to be freaked out and scared away. Others will judge me. Some will even think this is attention seeking.

Like people used to think when i was cutting myself in highschool. Instead of trying to help me, they just assumed I was an attention seeker. Sure.

Writing this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Well, actually, publishing it is the hardest. Cause I'm not sure people will understand anything at all really.

But what I've understood the past year, is that I'm not alone, and so many people are suffering from mental illnesses. So many people have to fight every single day to do basic things. So many people have anxiety, and depression, and all the thousand other mental illenesses there is.

And I'm not talking about those that havent been diagnosed. I, myself, would never have written anything without my diagnosis. I was sometimes praying I would have some awful, tangible disease, so people would see how it hurts.

I'm writing this, so people know they're not alone, and they should seek help. Maybe you don't have a mental illess, but therapy can still help when you feel down. And if you do, trust me, being diagnosed will be the best thing that ever happened to you and you close ones.

And maybe the first therapist wont be the one, but dont give up, please. If it hurts too much, don't stay alone in this.

I force myself everyday to be open about BPD, about my feelings, and it's the hardest thing, but it's also what makes me believe I can actually get better and have a normal life.

PS : English is not my first langage, which is why it's easier to express all that in english. I'll probably write it in french one day. But I'm just doing things one step at the time.

[mindthebreakingwaves]

I still cant believe it. I sang, I laughed, i cried. That was one of the greatest moment of my life. Thank you taylorswift for that.

[mindthebreakingwaves]

I still cant believe I saw @taylorswift today. She was so great, beautiful and most of all inspiring. I never thought for a second she could make me cry, and yet she did, touching everyone where it needs to be touched, where we need reassuring. I wish I started to listen to her when I was younger, because she gives the love and the hopes I needed desperatly back in those times. I love her, and well, the haters gonna hate. Thank you again @taylorswift for everything you do and everything you are. #britishsummertime #bst #hydepark #london #taylorswift #1989 #wearethenewromantics #blankspace #love #hope #happiness #lifeisawesome #british #summer #time @gracewelburnx (à Hyde Park)

[mindthebreakingwaves]

On s’est aimés comme on se quitte, tout simplement sans penser à demain. A demain qui vient toujours un peu trop vite, aux adieux qui quelques fois se passent un peu trop bien.

Ça y est. Je réussi. Et je ne sais pas quoi faire. Plus quoi faire. Partir. Rester. Tenter. Arrêter. Mentir. Se mentir. Je ne sais plus.

Je ne sais plus parce que je n’ai jamais prévu arriver là. Les rêves me portaient plus loin, ou ne me portaient pas du tout, mais ce moment précis n’était pas dans mes prédictions. Et donc, donc je dois décider de ce qui est le plus important pour moi. Établir un plan de guerre, de guerre contre moi même, contre le monde, contre l’avenir. Et je ne veux pas de ça, je veux être importante, et utile, et n’avoir plus jamais peur. 

Je ne peux plus avoir peur, plus maintenant que je suis une adulte, ou sur le point de sauter dans le vide et d’en devenir une. Je ne peux plus être terrifiée à l’idée d’être seule, à l’idée même d’être terrifiée. Je ne veux plus embrasser de garçon qui ne m’embrasse pas en retour, ou qui ne me veut que pour une nuit. Je ne veux plus espérer des chimères. Je veux pouvoir déceler ces chimères sur mon chemin, et les enfermer, comme Daenerys avec ses dragons. Peut être n’est-ce pas leur place, mais peut être est-ce la seule solution, la seule chose responsable à faire. 

Je veux savoir ce que je veux, et en être sûre. Je veux me laisser surprendre par l’amour, par des sentiments oubliés. Je veux prendre une décision toute seule. Je veux, je veux, je veux. Je veux arrêter de trembler constamment. Devenir cette adulte. Avoir l’accent du sud, et sortir avec un musicien (et pas un percussionniste, nah!). 

Non. Je ne sais pas, et c’est bien ça le problème. Je ne sais pas écrire, je ne sais plus. Je ne veux plus. Je ne veux plus avoir cette mélodie à moitié oubliée au fond de ma tête. Je ne veux plus être terrifiée. 

Et c’est parce que tout est parfait que j’ai peur, parce que je ne sais pas comment gérer la réussite, parce que la réussite n’est pas assez. Parce que j’attends toujours le Yazaki de ma vie, alors que je devrais enterrer Reiko. Arrêter d’être une actrice. Je devrais juste ouvrir cette porte en face de moi, me laisser embarquer par juste l’un de ces charmants qui m’apprécient pour une obscure raison. Et arrêter d’être terrifiée.

Arrêter d’être une actrice. Parce que je ne veux pas me retrouver seule devant des verres pleins et des chaises vides. Même si Reiko est gravée en moi, ça n’arrivera pas. Pour une simple raison, ce n’est que le commencement.

Parce que ça y est. Je réussi. 

[mindthebreakingwaves]

“Nothing is forever, exept us.”

“If I was not myself, and you were someone else, I’d say so much to you, and I would tell the truth.”

It’s kinda weird how things move quickly sometimes. And how they stay still for so long some other times. I wanna talk about so many things, and yet I’m starting over, I dont remember how to open myself, how to talk, how to write. I’m not even sure I should do it. But, the only thing I know is that they were the perfect couple, the perfect relationship. But now it’s all destroyed, and I cant yet figure out why. 

Maybe she’s too strong for him, maybe she doesnt want to be his perfect shadow anymore. 

Or maybe, just maybe, love isn’t enough.

[mindthebreakingwaves]

Il est de ces amours qu'on ne peut pas expliquer. Qui touchent sans aucune raison, qui ne nous abandonnent jamais. Peut être résonnent ils avec quelque chose d'enfoui, que l'on croyait disparu, dont on ne soupçonne peut être même pas l'existence. Qu'importe. L'important c'est de savoir qu'il n'était pas juste entrain de se faire une frayeur.