mindofmellilla

[mindofmellilla]

navy ivy

i often think of lady liberty,

was she told that she’d

be holding a torch

for eternity?

that her shine would fade, and

she would turn green with envy

of the choice she never had? or

was she aware and still chose

a life of immortality

and image because she

felt she would be heard?

instead, she is only seen.

it’s been a minute, hope u enjoyed this poem ive had sitting in my notes app, xo mellilla

[mindofmellilla]

back

text me back

text me back

text me back

hru?

please tell me everything about myself.

whens ur flight?

i just want to hear you talk.

text me back

text me back

text me back

oh?

i’m so sorry, i know i fucked this up.

delivered.

do you hate me?

text me back

text me back

text me back

there is a melody of self

deprecation, i feel far too

much, perhaps i simply

like to fight, you hush

every fear,

can i lie to you?

can i fall next to you?

can i breathe in you?

and would you still

be in my head if i did,

like a dream i never had

and have never known

to miss,

or would you disappear,

like every other who never

bothered to ask me why

i was.

is this simple or have i deluded

myself into diluting the complexity

of who you are into a picture that

i will never get tired of watching?

have you done the same with me?

text me back

text me back

text me back

actually,

please don’t.

i can’t think of what

you would even say

or what i would say in response.

return to your embers and i’ll

return to my cove. i feel that i

know too much of you and you

know me too well. i’ve said to much

i’ll regret this all, the way i’ve walked,

and dressed, and withered before you

is enough. it is too much. i am too much.

don’t text me back. please don’t.

it’s easier for us both.

trust me, being around me would only

hurt you. and i would never wish to inflict

pain upon you.

thank you for reading this senseless poem, i’m currently still waiting on a text back, xo mellilla

[mindofmellilla]

devour

maybe it was the way he was so straightforward with me. or the way he would stare at me only when he was sure i wasn't looking. or the second i started to zone out he like noticed immediately. maybe it was how he instantly realized that i'd been on the listening side of the conversation and switched gears. or the way he insisted i try his drink after i said id never had it before, and asked if he could try mine, and we eagerly swapped. or the laugh he let out any time i made a witty statement. maybe it was the curl of his hair, or the twinkle in his eye, or the fact that he was right in front of me but definitely out of reach.

i knew i couldn't have him. i knew it from the very first second we started texting. i knew it from the way i lied to him later and said i don't remember much from our first date. i knew it when it had been 6 months since we'd first started talking and we still hadn't kissed. i knew it from the way we referred to each other as friends but we both wanted much more than that. i knew it when he told me he was going to be leaving as soon as september came along. and i knew it the most when i realized that as much as i wanted him and wanted him to want me, if he had asked me if i would be his i would have said no.

i want to let him love me, more than anything i want him to love me. but how could i let him love me? who was i to be loved by someone who was so genuine and honest towards me? isn't it beautiful to have someone be genuine and honest and intimate with you and you know that you are capable of reciprocating that? i didn't know if i could reciprocate.

for so long i had hidden my feelings within my shell like a true cancerian. ask me to party it up, or to argue with someone and i was your girl, i had no issue putting myself out there especially for those whom i loved. but my own feelings? my own emotions? i did not want anyone to know or see, and when i slipped and fell and landed in my own tears, i was embarrassed. because while i understand what i feel, i do not want to feel it. i had never been put in the situation where i could just be myself and by who i am so quickly with another person and it scared me. was i supposed to tell him how i felt? my friends certainly thought so. but when i went to open up to him, he told me that if i didn't want to, i shouldn't. he told me that i can be the only person that knows when i can open the door to myself and how much i could open that door. he told me i didn't have to let him in if i didn't want to, and that he would still be happy to have known me.

i knew i couldn't have him because he accepted me and knew me so well that he knew when to speak with me, he let me set the pace and he reciprocated according to the terms that i had set. and when i didn't know how to set the pace or the terms he took the reigns. all of this was, of course, unspoken. he had made me feel safe and comfortable, but was i ecstatic? i always felt a sense of peace wash over me when we spoke or were within each other's presence, but was i happy?

he made me laugh that was for certain, but the incessant voice in the back of my head did not hush when i was around him. maybe i didn't like him, i don't really know. no i know. i definitely like him.

what other word could i possibly use to label the way i felt? normally i hated being touched in anyway, but my mind yearned for him to brush my hair back. i yearned to know what he felt like, what did sitting next to him feel like? what would his arm on my shoulder feel like? what would the curve of his hand feel like against the curve of my back? would it be soft and gentle and reassuring or would it be strong and firm and kind? i wanted to know. i wanted to open him up in the same way i opened up my dolls when i was younger. what did his mind sound like? what did his eyes see? i wanted know everything.

the intensity of the intimacy i wanted to experience with him was one that i had never wanted to share with anyone else. i did not love him, and he did not love me. but if i were asked, i would undoubtedly let him devour me.

thank you for reading, i hope you are having the loveliest day. xo mellilla

[mindofmellilla]

alone at brunch

i’m sitting at this cafe i love when this family walks in and they sit at the table next to me. the mother sits on the bench with her youngest son and her daughter on either side of her. the older son takes the chair in front of them and the father glances over at my table and graciously asks if he could please have the empty chair across from me and i agree. i sit there reading my book while sipping my green concoction of ice and matcha as this family interacts and converses. the youngest son, also the one seated closest to me, fiddles with his shoe laces as the daughter asks her mother if she could tell her about her latest discovery about the planets. the father is trying to figure out that qr code menu while the older son decides to dump the sugar packets from their container onto the table and arrange them like some sugar packet castle. as i glance over to them before looking out the giant window near them i can’t help but think about my own family, about my mother and father and my sister and brother, about how i was with them just a few days ago. about how we were laughing together and debating acting performances in a film we had just seen. and i can’t help but smile, i miss them it’s been barely three days but i miss them terribly. i think about calling my mom right now, but i decide not to, she’s probably at work anyways. i could message my dad but he’s got lots to do. my sister maybe, but what would i even say? would i ask her about her search for colleges or if she’d finally decided what major she’d apply to? no, that would only annoy her, i don’t want to be a grievance. i could message my brother, send him a quick text, but he’s 12 and i don’t really know what to say to him, talking to him is always weird because he’s quite mature but acts like a 3 year old and i never knew how to talk to him when he was 3. besides his phone is probably out of charge. i usually love being in my own company. i usually love eating by myself. but right now with this family right next to me with eldest son having completed his castle of sugar, and the mother taking a picture of her daughter as she bites into a strawberry, and the youngest son licking his spoon clean of chocolate syrup, i see just how alone i am. ‘i love being alone,’ i remind myself, ‘i love being alone.’ yes. i love being alone; i hate being lonely.

i hope you enjoyed this little entry, writing it was somewhat cathartic. xo mellilla

[mindofmellilla]

blue

"you're so pretty," he

says as though i haven't

heard that before.

he doesn't notice the tiny

scar above my eyebrow

or the ring of black

around my iris. he doesn't

see the streaks of lighter

brown in my hair or the

blue ribbon i tie to the

handle of my bag. he

hasn't noticed how my

laugh changes depending

on who i'm with.

he doesn't see that

underneath my skin is

flesh and blood that has

been boiling in anger

since i was a child.

he doesn't see the blue of

my soul and he doesn't

even bother trying to.

i know i'm pretty.

i know.

this is an original poem i wrote on the 26th of february 2023. if you like it feel free to reblog (i first posted it on my tiktok account). xo mellilla

[mindofmellilla]

It's beautiful how this deep normality settles down over me I'm not bored or unhappy, I'm still so strange and wild

You're in the wind, I'm in the water Nobody's son, nobody's daughter

[mindofmellilla]

"i'm not sure"

i think i like him. but i'm not sure. i think i might want to be a photographer. but i'm not sure. if i was a photographer i could take pictures of anything: my world, my love, myself, my room. my pictures would be my own personal haven. they wouldn't be perfect or cool or clean because life isn't like that. i think i want to fall in love. but i'm not sure. i think i want to feel happy. but i'm not sure. the reputation happiness has reeks of mythology, what is to be happy? is it simply contentment and everyone is in on it? what would my world look like if it weren't tinted blue? what would my pictures look like if i saw them with the eyes of a happy person? would they lose all meaning? would it still be my world, or something so grotesque it is normal? if i were a happy person would i still like him? i'm not sure. would i still want to fall in love? i'm not sure.

this is my first entry! i'm not sure if anyone will ever see these but if anyone does, i hope this slice of my mind gives you a sense of peace, as though you are seen and understood. xo mellilla