mind-of-mud

[mind-of-mud]

during the summer time i see people earn for the return of gloomy skies and rainy days. for a long time i had the same bitterness about me. though now, i look up at the piercing blue sky and i feel the blistering heat on my skin. it is pure.

our tempers must not be so reliant on the forces of nature, but on the preconceptions we carry close to our hearts.

abandon your gloomy aesthetics, if they exist as mere facades. live. i implore you — live!

for when we die, we will not remember whether the skies were gloomy or bright. we will remember the love we experienced in the embrace of this earth and this time.

[mind-of-mud]

Calls to "remain/be human" resemble the "have some empathy" rhetoric a little too much.

[mind-of-mud]

sometimes i like to think about the person i might be if the adults looking down at me in 2000-something were kinder

[mind-of-mud]

my heart aches at the thought that my mother is a person too

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[mind-of-mud]

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[mind-of-mud]

our cat (dr. hannibal lecter) having just a small sleep

[mind-of-mud]

average girlblogger

[mind-of-mud]

i left my toothbrush downstairs five days ago. my mouth aches. a filling of maggots crawling down my throat. i feel ill, and my teeth are loose, and i don’t know what to do with myself anymore. so i drink up the mouthwash and it burns my skin as it runs down my chin. and i’m disappointed with the person i have become.

[mind-of-mud]

i want everybody to be like me

Lately I've been feeling like a shotgun shell to the temple might be a good idea. Lately I’ve been feeling like I can’t quite move. Like my muscles are slowly giving out on me. It’s debilitating.

I look out onto all the things I’ve done and everything I continue to do. And I feel disconnected. I feel disappointed. Disheartened. Dislocated.

My life moves quickly. Each episode in a string of achievements that I convince myself will “fix me”. But nothing ever works. And I am not fixed. And I feel like I’ve failed, because I have.

I wish that there was a moment. One precise second it all went wrong. One event I could blame it all on. But there isn’t a moment. And there isn’t an event. It’s just me. And it’s always been me. Just like it’s always been an attempt at salvation.

What the fuck does this mean?

[mind-of-mud]

Godmother loves taking me to church. She says she has a lot of other godchildren to light candles for. I don’t like when she reminds me of this because it makes me believe that she will eventually leave me to take care of somebody else. I don’t want godmother to leave me, who will light candles for me then?

Mind Of Mud: A Journal Collection

[mind-of-mud]

RIP

[mind-of-mud]

As a human, I have done many terrible things. As a human, I have cried myself to sleep over the things that I can't take back. As a human, I picked myself up and hummed myself a lullaby as I took my broken pieces to allow them to grow into something new and whole again. As a human, I know I will never be perfect. As a human, I will embrace and love every part of me, because it's okay to try and be better than who I was once.

I am human. I have hurt.

But I am also healing, and the lullabies I sing to myself are no longer broken in melody, but something soft and vulnerable and sweet. And when I have that, I can be beautiful, and I can be love.

[mind-of-mud]

The feminine urge to not be like your mother

[mind-of-mud]

the barbie movie has slowly made me realize that maybe i never hated being a girl. maybe i just hated the way i was treated for it.

[mind-of-mud]