mind-in-turmoil

[mind-in-turmoil]

The absoloute worst kind of dreams are not the nightmares, not the horror that rips you from sleep sweating and crying.

The dreams that really kill are the rare ones where a miracle happens, you get what you've been longing for, and it feels so good and like everything you ever wanted and imagined. And then, despite your best efforts, you have to wake up to reality and have your heart broken.

[mind-in-turmoil]

I think the thing that drives me the most batshit about the medical fatphobia conversation is that the burden of proof feels so exactly backwards. Just from an obvious best practices standpoint???

Things like intentional malnourishment, intentionally incapacitating vital organs through surgery, denial of potentially lifesaving medical care until those things are done, etc.

Those are all pretty extreme. The kinds of things it feels like a “first do no harm” system should have a lot of solid evidence for before recommending or implementing them.

But they’re so bog standard and accepted and everyone from doctors to your own family will look at you like you’re a flat-earther when you suggest maybe we shouldn’t be defaulting to that.

[mind-in-turmoil]

What if what I've longed for happens, but I wasn't prepared so have been doing all the wrong things.

How terrible it would be if it happens, then gets taken away because of my own actions.

I don't think I'd cope. It was bad enough when the loss happened before, if it was my fault though it would break me.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Mood

Honestly this hit hard.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Big mood.

Reminder to myself and to others. Trying my best.

[mind-in-turmoil]

The pain with each period feels like punishment for failure to get pregnant. Like I deserve this torture for not fulfilling my part of the pact.

All the punishment is mine, and it is only my fault.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Some days it's really hard holding on to hope.

[mind-in-turmoil]

This

[mind-in-turmoil]

I like the quiet hours.

When everyone is asleep, and the only sounds breaking through the silence is the tick of a clock, or the slight snuffle of someone mid-dream.

Thoughts are free to roam in the anonymity of night, and for once they are not unkind.

I would rather be asleep, but this thoughtful insomnia isn't so bad. Not right now.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Needs

It's so hard to help someone who is struggling with mental health. I've struggled to put what I need into words for so long, and not sure I've done it justice.

I need you to have faith in me, because I don't have any in myself.

I need you to remind me that life is worth living, so at least for a while I keep going.

I need you to be patient with me, because I'm already in a pit of my own frustration.

I need you to love me more then I hate myself, and more then that I need to know that love isn't conditional. I need to know you will still love me if I fail again.

[mind-in-turmoil]

All of this...

But also I notice similar with OCD presentation. Usually in the media you see the neat freaks, or people with comedy germophobia. It can be so much more then that and really debilitating.

Ya know, its 2am and maybe I'm just rambling nonsense but one thing i really hate is how little variation there is in how fiction portrays depression and suicidal ideation. Its always the same things.

And while its great that it's getting any visibility, I just feel like we need better, more nuanced portrayals. Especially for those of us who don't experience those things in the "normal" or "stereotypical" way. Because like all mental health, its an extremely individual experience and I just wish that actually shined through a bit more in media portrayals

[mind-in-turmoil]

Breathing

Air goes in

Air goes out

This should be easy and automatic

Air goes in

Air goes out

Am I over thinking this?

Air goes in

Air goes out

Why is this such hard work?

Air goes in

Air goes out

This is too hard

Air goes in

Air goes out

Wouldn't it be easier to just stop?

[mind-in-turmoil]

I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm someone else when I am alone, when the mask comes off. Someone spiralling in despair.

I feel like such a fraud.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Doom feelings

Been fine and level for months, and out of nowhere today a feeling of impending doom that I just can't shift.

Like a premonition that something very very bad is about to happen to me or someone I care about.

I don't believe in premonitions, but I know my belief in something doesn't define if it's real or not.

I just can't shake the feeling of death or serious injury.

[mind-in-turmoil]

This struck a chord with me.

The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.

[mind-in-turmoil]

Bottled Feelings

Last night I had a dream about my dog. It was a happy dream but I woke up crying because the dog in question was put to sleep due to I'll health and age earlier in the year.

All day I've been having moments where I'll be overcome with grief and feel almost like I will drown in the feelings.

Initially I thought maybe it was because I bottled up and suppressed all the emotion when it happened because I didn't feel strong enough to go through it... but then I realised that's not the only thing I've been suppressing feeling a for. I've been doing it with everything that's been hard over the last year or more.

I'm not just crying for a beloved pet, I'm also crying for his brother who was put to sleep the same year.

I'm crying for the two uncle's taken from our family.

I'm crying for my mum's I'll health which has been diagnosed as a stroke after months of suffering.

I'm crying for the fact that my brother told me the other day he wants me to have nothing to do with his soon to be born son.

I'm crying for the fact that we have been trying for a baby for over 4 years with no joy.

I thought I was having a moment of weakness with the tears but actually, it's just everything I've been bottling all spilling out because there is no more room.

I guess that's the trouble with suppressing this stuff... it's fine in the short term... but will eventually spill over. You can't escape the feelings, and they will just hit harder when they come.

[mind-in-turmoil]

I'm tying myself in knots trying to make my Mother happy.

Trying and so very clearly failing.

I need to keep reminding myself that this failing isn't my fault... I'm not a bad daughter (Or a bad person). You simply can't fix someone who was damaged before you were even born.