milobehindthescenes

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boy, blowjobs sure are a mouthful

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how I tire of this morning melancholy.

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Vent S/A TRIGGER WARNING

watching this sweet, wholesome ass tiktok of a father demonstrating for new parents how to hold/support a baby w his 3 month old. Then he shows his baby safely tucked in between his arm, on his leg while he's bouncing it and suddenly feeling violently ill in my stomach because when I was about that little when my father was doing other things while he was bouncing me on his leg and now my night is ruined lol

I will never be able to have a normal/comfortable relationship with any of my male family members because of him. And I feel guilty about it every time because I should be able to hug my uncles or my older brother without my skin crawling or feeling claustrophobic but I can't. Anyway, in conclusion parents that s*xually ab*se their children or literally anybody should recieve castration & a death sentence thanks.

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ope ope January 2024 vibes how we feelin what we doin

Uhhhhhhhhhh

We are currently witnessing two mass genocides going on and it feels like no matter how hard people are fighting to bring an end to it,, there just isn't enough of an impact and it feels Hopeless. And I know that's bad to think and I have to keep raising my voice with everyone else because giving up would truly make shit Hopeless but God it is exhausting and I'm privileged to even be able to set my phone down at the end of the day and not have to deal with that nightmare myself in my daily life.

My relationship has hit a standpoint and I am stuck feeling like everything up until this point has possibly been one big fat lie and I don't even know how to begin communicating that with them. Feels like it's all gonna end painfully one way or another and I wanna just keep sitting here and pretending it's fine because God do I love them. I wanted to have a home with this person. I want to marry this person. But after what happened, I'm questioning everything and at some point I am going to have to ask questions and I'm fucking terrified of those answers. So feels like this good, sweet, warm, happy little thing that I've been holding onto so tight is beginning to crumble out of my hands and I don't know how m gonna handle that in the long run 🤷‍♂️ I really just want to be overthinking this all. I've never wanted so badly to be wrong in my life. Let me be wrong. Fuck. let me be wrong.

Also my past keeps coming back to haunt me and the level in which I basically obsess over the people that hurt me in my childhood is so fucking unhealthy and its!! Embarrassing. Just. Embarrassing. Man I should've been over all this by now but it feels like,, every time I fall and scrape my knees, like metaphorically, the wolves (my past, lol, v original I know) get a whiff of blood and come running and I just start spiraling all over again. Every time I think I'm finally breaking the cycle something brings me back and it's hard not to feel defeated over it.

And I'm constantly missing a friend that I haven't talked to in years who at this point, does not know me, and I do not know him, but I am always thinking about what my current life would be like if we were still friends. Which is also embarrasing because i know how obsessive and unhealthy it is. That bridge burnt a long fucking time ago. I'm sorry k 😅

I outgrew all of my clothes and I'm not even going to dive into my body dysmorphia & gender dysphoria because that's more than anyone has the time to read about.but I feel real bad about my physical being right now and it sucks that the only time I felt great about my body was when I was incredibly underweight for 2 years 😅 that's definitely something I need to work on but that means I have to change up my life style a bit which my current work schedule doesn't allow nearly enough wiggle room for.

Other than that I'm in the profession that I worked (hesistantly) very hard to get into so that's something cool to celebrate.

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Why do peoples voices piss me off so easily. Like, my social battery is so limited most of the time and at a certain point, even talking to someone I love being around, their voice starts grating on my ears if I don't get like,, little breaks.

It makes me feel guilty I guess. I know it's overstimulation. And I can't help it. But,, bleh.

Its so much worse because I live with my brother and he plays his video games in the living room. But he gets so loud and angry while he's playing and it makes me wanna throw a brick though the TV screen sometimes. There's nothing more irritating. All I can do is leave the room and hole myself up in my room whenever he's playing, even though this is supposed to be a shared space. Ugh

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even the most "innocent" child abuse victim inherently condemns society by their very existence & this is why there is such a strong effort to sideline or discredit victims of child abuse. like genuinely if you were to tackle the full reality of child abuse you would have to confront that our society is founded upon child abuse, and that would require us to break society at its very root. an abused child is a condemnation of the nuclear family model, of the education system, of the notion that children do not deserve rights, of almost every system that exists and that is why their existence is rarely examined in the mainstream. easier to not believe how widespread child abuse is. easier to pick apart individual victims. and ultimately it's easier to believe their abusers were isolated aberrations rather than individuals given insane power over their victims by the system and chose to wield it in ways that are largely condoned by that system.

and that societal sidelining largely happens even FOR victims who appear to fit the most unproblematic model of a child abuse victim. god help you if you aren't palatable or easily "reintegrated" into the existing structure after leaving your abuser lmao

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Help why do I sound like a fuckign guinea pig when I get excited (in private)

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Sir,,, put the weapon down. SIR. Put the weapon d- SIR PUT THE VIBRATOR DOWN!!!

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Bitches playing peekaboo w/ the inner contents of their refrigerator like if you open and close it enough times, eventually, there will be new food inside that you'll want to eat

it's me

i'm bitches

And now I am sitting on the kitchen floor just chillin. I'm hungry as fcuk tho I'm ngl

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hey did you guys know that putting whipping cream through a frother turns it into Whipped Cream???

Cause,,,, I didn't. But it makes a whole lot more sense now that i'm looking (sadly) into this cup that is far too thick of a consistency (and flavorless) to top my coffee off with :(

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ayo i just discovered what a moka pot is and it is so shaped and lovely

oh wow oh boy this one is a nice soft mint color it looks like it would feel nice in my hands- oh snap it comes in pink TOO?

AYO THIS ONE COMES IN THE COLORSCHEME OF A SMOOTH CLOWN

cutecutecutecuteneedneedneedneed

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ayo i just discovered what a moka pot is and it is so shaped and lovely

oh wow oh boy this one is a nice soft mint color it looks like it would feel nice in my hands- oh snap it comes in pink TOO?

AYO THIS ONE COMES IN THE COLORSCHEME OF A SMOOTH CLOWN

cutecutecutecuteneedneedneedneed

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I keep having dreams about you. It's weird. Because you are the only person I have had such consistent dreams about, and I haven't seen your face or talked to you in at least 3 years. You look a little different in all of them, but it's always the same general concept.

We bump into eachother unexpectedly, you're a different person, I'm a different person. and we just talk. Simple conversations between two old friends turned strangers. And yet even though we no longer know eachother, the conversations are so familiar.

And comforting. almost like we never really stopped talking.

I wonder if you've forgotten me by now or if maybe you have dreams too. I doubt it, but, the thought is kind of nice.

I hope youre doing alright, wherever you are.

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you ever think of the graveyards of accounts that have been untouched for years upon years til they inevitably deactivate, old internet friends you haven't heard from or seen active since you were 13, and wonder if they're doing okay? Or if they're even alive?

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what is the neurodivergant experience (asked no neurological ever) aha, well I'm so glad you (didn't) ask,

Im was the bathroom singing "whatchu lookin for, we got whatchu lookin for" over and over and over and over while cleaning & changing my piercings when I SHOULD be packing so I can eat food and get to bed so I can wake up at 3:30am to go and get on a 5am bus to go to a place 2+ hours away

And then I took everything I meant to put away to my room and left everything I meant to bring back to my room in the bathroom. Had to stop, think, and reroute path because whoopsies I'm doing this the other way around

And now I'm sitting in my bed taking 20 minutes to type this because it feels important

All my dillies are being dallied. I'm starving rn. I gotta finish packing.

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Ah, I know what I'm going to do tonight.

I'm going to get toasted, enjoy some chips and hummus (interrupting my own broadcastr; oh y god johnny cash started playing oh my god its personal jesus oh my g), and try to get my cosplan sorted :)

*proceeds to get bakedt & violently dissociates between random spurts of hyperfixating and takes two hours just window shopping for a pair of pants*

Container of Hummus: *in fridge, untouched* :'(

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