millimillenarie

[millimillenarie]

Isaac Roberts - Photograph of minor planet ’Sappho’. White circle shows its position, 14-06-1887

[millimillenarie]

in my head i read in the color of your voice: kind, sure, slow.

[millimillenarie]

Bursting into tears as I saw my mother post in her Facebook story a tarpaulin sign that is a reminder for drivers to slow down and watch out for animals crossing the street. BEEP & BRAKE for ANIMALS (DRIVE SAFFELY). And then the faces of two puppies and two kittens. Innocent faces. Their families are waiting too. I do not know if it is that I'm reminded of the same innocence of my mother when I see her being so kind with animals. But I think it is really that my heart twists and turns with the thought that my mother has resorted to animals in dealing with love both well reserved in her as much as neglected from her. Perhaps the latter taking on a greater degree. And so this pain and this bursting into tears only 8 hours and 30 minutes into this day, October 18th. What of the full moon last night? What was it telling me? Atomic Number? Island of Stability? Heavymetals? The Uncertainty Principle? The molar-molecular? A roommate from four years ago who was yesterday right in front of me? Being told I'm talented? Being described as experimental? Associated with censorship and tension and disorientation? What is it inside? What of it being push and pulled? Was I really ever near the brink? Have I instead fallen off the cliff, broke a piece of my spine, now forever misnagivating because no more coordinated?

[millimillenarie]

my fiction prof alw looks mataray when i see her. but then when she smiles at you, how that sternness crumbles into charm. maybe it’s her dimples? maybe it’s her aura? idk

[millimillenarie]

syempre, kailangan ko lagi ng mahahawakan. hindi ko dapat ito ituring na kahinaan, kundi lohikal na kinahahantungan lang ng pagiging tali ko sa iba, pagiging tali ko sa lahat.

isa nga sa mga salita ngayon na fixated akong sambitin sa everyday conversations sa sarili ko man sa mga kaibigan ay grip

[millimillenarie]

perilune

paglilista ng mga pumapagitan. in succession (?)

lente ng aking salamin sa mata. ilaw ng kwarto. ilaw ng laptop. mesh screen ng aking bintana. tunog ng electric fan. mga pahigang linya ng nakabukas kong jalousie. (mahina ngayong) boses ng kapitbahay. ere. ulap na ngayo'y sumaklob na sa kabilugan ng buwan. kita ko nang magmuli. lahat ay habang lahat ay gumagalaw. ang paglapag sa iyo ay pag-iisa kaya hindi ko kailanman ninais.

[millimillenarie]

puting bilog sa kalangitan na hindi pa, halos puno. dati'y sa bintana ko lamang sa tanauan ako nagmumukmok pero pwede rin pala ito dito sa lungsod. sumisilip na ang mga kulot na dulo ng aking buhok sa pagitan ng aking bewang at braso. oo, narito na nga ako. ang noo'y wala pa, malayo.

[millimillenarie]

It is morning. I keep prolonging my writing on this one reflection paper concerning patriarchy. For one, much has been said, by me, on our weekly journals for each reading on the unit. Going back to past semesters, too, I've thought and written much about these things. I'm not saying there isn't any more to be thought. I'm saying, I think I can better write about more specific circumstances. All had been understood, if that's what the requirement safekeeps. Anyway, I am writing this after thinking, just now that I am eating breakfast, that it would probably be good advice to not choose an elective you've already plunged into deep enough. I imagine taking up a pedestrian course on physics or astronomy, how I think I would have said a lot and out of innocent curiosity. A safe distance away from something keeps one, you guess it, safe from jadedness, cynicism, losing hope. For much hasn't been said. Yet. Oh well. There are endless things to be curious about, so therein lies the relief. And I guess in my longing for something unwavering despite these perpetual shifting, that role is taken up by inquisitive me.

[millimillenarie]

That night the blue of the inside of the jeepney looked so vivid to my eyes. i wanted to take a photograph but i got shy. the blue just…glows and reaks towards the outisde of the jeep. vivid, too, then, in my eyes were the warm glow of the vehicle and establishment and street lights that night… i got shy. and i thought i'd forget to write about it but here i am now.

and why i thought about that now: right now my room is (playing right now: A1 - It's just a burning memory by The Caretaker) lit up blue and green. i have to. because beside me, 45 degrees of my window is the window of a man we suspect schizophrenic who has been having major episodes for days now. the first month i moved in here i was already listening to him rant and rant and rant. anyway. i am reading on my laptop screen and i just set my nightlight settings to maximum. now, it is yellow. contrasting the blue green lighting of my room. why i remembered that night that we were on our way to the airport. you left for your airplane. to thailand. and i got back home alone. at home i was obssesively tracking your flight. how many feet above me you were. how many miles you are away from me. how many more minutes left until the plane's declared arrival.

Naaalala ko. Asul na asul noon ang loob ng dyip. Naisip kong kuhanan ito ng litrato ngunit nahiya ako sa iyo. Alam kong tagos sa mga bintana ng dyip ang liwanag nito, kumokontra sa mainit na liwanag ng mga nagdaraang sasakyan, street lights, at ilaw ng mga establisyemento. Nahiya ako. Akala ko nga ay malilimutan ko nang magsulat pa tungkol sa tanawing iyon pero ito ako ngayon, asul na asul din ang ilaw sa kwarto. Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na umaayon madalas ang kalagayan ng estranghero kong kapitbahay sa kalagayan ko. (Noo'y ilang araw siyang ngawa nang ngawa habang nang magsimula naman siyang tumahimik ay siyang naging panahon din ng tuluyang pagpapalaya ko sa sarili.) Ngayong gabi ay itinodo ko ang nightlight setting ng aking laptop screen. Dilaw na dilaw.

Noong gabi na nahiya akong kunan ng litrato ang asul na asul na loob ng dyip, umuwi ako nang mag-isa mula sa paliparan. Binagtas ko ang kasagsagan ng Tramo, alas dose ng hatinggabi. Pag-uwi, parang baliw kong sinusubaybayan ang landas ng inyong eroplano, ung gaano kayo ka-taas mula rito sa ikalawang palapa. Nahiya ako. Rinig ko ang paggalaw ng tubig sa tangke sa kabilang panig nitong pader ng palikuran at ang naalala ko ay ang hikbi ng aking pusa bago nito isuka ang sariling balahibo mula sa paglilinis ng katawan at sabik na pagnguya at pagkain ng damo. Mahigit dalawang libong kilometro ang layo mo ngayon sa akin, 460 nautical miles kada oras, labing-siyam na minuto bago ang paglapag.

Umuulan nanaman ngayong walay kayo pero kaysa sa patak ng ulan ay halos marinig ko na ang abiso ng airlines para sa inyong landing.

Naisuka na kaya ng pusa ko ang kumpol ng balahibo?

Simula nang matahimik, nabigyan na kaya ang aking kapitbahay ng karampatang tugon?

Kailan kaya aayon ang nilalakbay ng aking utak sa kung san ako nakatapak?

[millimillenarie]

Lump in my throat as I realize I’ve really hurt someone… Damaged someone. Ruined someone.

This was what I wanted. For you to think of me….. Motions in your stomach…. Itch in the back of your head…. On random moments you’re reminded of me.

Ever in my throat, I guess, is this lump to swallow. A wanting machine…. This bottomless pit…. The anger even from back then is in part in fact due to me…….. No, I won’t owe you, anyone any apology

[millimillenarie]

Ever since i finally threw a glass across the room out of anger, every time i see and hold a glass i think of smashing it to pieces

[millimillenarie]

If only I could think and feel along Over seven paths at once I'd never let you down ... If only you and I began again Instead of reliving old sins I'd never let you down ... If only you and I could ask the dust What it's ever done for us I'd never let you down

I always feel as though I'm lacking something

[millimillenarie]

I've resorted to make up and caffeine and cleaning my space for a sense of control. Writing my Chapter 1 wouldn't have been this stressful if I just did it step by step across a span of weeks. Not crammed. I always get to this realization but I never change. Maybe there are really far better things that I enjoy more than academic work.

[millimillenarie]

i am supposed to be doing my long due short paper for a theory class but here i am listening to bjork's pagan poetry. reading up about it and apparently it's about the contradiction between bjork's sexual desires and emotional desires. the former demanding her sexual freedom while the latter requiring faithfulness, monogamy. i do not know if this is true, as i read it only via genius. but it resonates with me. right now as i am writing this bjork sings, i love him i love him i love him i love him she loves him she loves him she loves him she loves him.

how do you reconcile the tension between sexual and emotional desire, fulfillment? like bjork, i love him. but then they split, eventually. rumors say her guy cheated on him.

there is that possibility.

but what do i do with this love that i am very much certain--i've long questioned and scrutinized and got back to--i've cultivated and am ready to give to him?

it's hard to ignore the fact that verspertine was released on my birth year. 15 days short of my birth date. the beginning of their relationship. my birth. my awakening.

what is the right thing to do? i do not seem to be the type of person to discard all this love i have in me. i have it in me, yes. but there's also this love that only goes to him…. fleabag knows it. anne carson wrote of it. where do i put it? where does it all go? if i am

[millimillenarie]

Larry Levis writes: Somedays, it takes two hours of careful talk before I’m me again.

So then take me out to dinner. To the pub. Ask the right questions. Listen to me intently. Remind me.

I guess that’s poetry for me. And I hate the kind of lines you move your head and body to but that ain’t your fault. That you haven’t been raised to be careful. That you have not the chance to be careful. Cared for.

I’d have to reword all these. Make you understand. But that ain’t my role. For now. Or anymore.

[millimillenarie]

I fear leaving. I fear being alone. I fear changes.

It is another day and I feel like crying.

I could drink myself to death and not cry about it.

I could listen to a happy song while basking in the morning sun and cry about it.

[millimillenarie]

Pag maliit ka andami mo ring hindi nakikita (store signages, Aurora)

I have time

Waffles @ burger king

“Get real abt life and sort out who you really are”

I guess life feels like that first time playing pokemon sapphire, just rawdogginh stuff, no cheat codes or anything, just pure curiosity and GRINDING. The 2nd time around it didnt feel exciting anymore!!!! Maybe that says something about living only one life.