messedupinfjthoughts

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#the storm

The storm

Anxious: Why do you drift when I reach for your hand? Why is the silence your steadfast command? I call, but your echoes grow hollow, unsure, And yet, I return—how much must I endure?

Avoidant: You pull too tightly; it’s hard to breathe. Your fears are a web I long to leave. I stand at the edge, my freedom my shield— Why must my distance be seen as concealed?

Anxious: Because your distance is a knife in disguise, Cutting the cord as you avert your eyes. You vanish and leave my questions unspoken, And every absence leaves something broken.

Avoidant: I never promised what you crave so deep. Your storm of need wakes what I’d rather keep— A calm, a stillness, a world meant for me, Not a tempest demanding I anchor your sea.

Anxious: But I don’t ask for the world, only you, A space where I’m seen, where friendship feels true. Instead, you retreat; my fears are unmasked— Do you even care enough to be asked?

Avoidant: It’s not about care but about self-preserve, Each question of yours, a curve after curve. I push not to harm but to claim my air, And yet, your clinging becomes my snare.

Anxious: Do you see how you sever what could have been whole? Do you see how your fleeing erodes my soul? You say you’re caught, but it’s me in the trap— An endless pursuit, your friendship’s just a gap.

Avoidant: Perhaps this was doomed from the very start. Your need for safety and my guarded heart. I didn’t mean harm, but perhaps you’re right— Our bond was a shadow, not built for the light.

Anxious: And now you retreat, the ending you crave, Blaming the fears, you never tried to save. I stand here broken, a friend you evade, While you walk away, your silence - my blade.

Avoidant: This silence, you see, is my quiet goodbye, A way to escape without asking why. You call it avoidance, I call it release— Two mismatched hearts finding fractured peace.

Anxious: Peace, you say, as you leave me in storm, While I ache for the warmth you called that a norm. But maybe the truth is this bond was a thread, Unravelling faster than words ever said.

_____________________________

We met like fire and water, bound to collide, Each seeking shelter, the other denied. Some ties aren’t woven to last through the fray— So we part as we must, and go our own way.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# no room for me

No Room for Me

You guard yourself with walls of stone, A shield that leaves you all alone. Your pain, the only truth you see, A fortress built—no room for me.

Each day you speak of wounds so deep, Of sleepless nights and tears you weep. Yet when my voice would seek reprieve, It met your silence—no room for me.

You never asked of memories bright, Of concerts echoing through the night. Taylor’s song, the tears I set free, Ignored, unnoticed—no room for me.

The battles fought beneath sterile light, The silent fears, the lonely fight. Months passed by, your gaze would flee, Unmoved, unknowing—no room for me.

You craved the warmth of others’ care, But gave no sign that you’d be there. An empty hand, a lost decree, Always taking—and no room for me.

A flicker of trust, a moment small, Would send you back behind your wall. Afraid to open, afraid to see, You pulled away—no room for me.

Your world, a canvas marked with scars, Kept others distant, kept friends afar. Your heart, a locked and guarded sea, No harbour left—no room for me.

You claimed your pain, a tale profound, Yet left my stories lost, unfound. In your mirror, it’s only thee, Reflected always—no room for me.

So here I stand, outside your gate, A weary soul, resigned to fate. Where friendship was meant, now shadows be, Your heart’s confines—no room for me.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# deserve

deserve

I wanted us to be good for our hearts, Instead, we only became fuel for fractured arts. Why, I wonder, was it not worth it to you— The chance for something honest, something true?

For every reason you chose to let go, There were a million reasons to stay, you know. You convinced me to leave, and I begged you to hold, We are not the same—your silence grew cold.

This is it; now I must part, To guard my once unguarded heart.

Why did you try to cover my sight, With shallow truths that dimmed the light?

You said you gave all, you did your best, But hidden behind, you never confessed.

I gave you time, and space to find peace, But your words came back as a twisted release. Now, I see through the mask you wore, Your facade cracked, the truth at the core. So, tell me why you tried to spin A tale that placed the blame within?

I’ll hold my worth, unmeasured, whole

A quiet strength, a sheltered soul. I’ll raise my guard, let my standards rise, A fortress built where hope still lies. To shield myself from the weight of your words, And heal from wounds that cut like swords.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# this was me trying

This was me trying

I cursed at you, yes, I know, But my regret, I tried to show. Loneliness broke me down inside, But I thought you’d still be by my side.

I told you often, "I care so much," Wishing that we’d stay in touch. Now you claim you felt the pain, From the start, and it was all in vain.

I tried to learn, to right the wrongs, But you ignored me all along. You never chose me as your friend, You just asked, “Should this end?”

Every time.

Please hold on.

Every time.

You don’t hold on.

Every Time.

Please, don’t make me do this.

Forgiveness isn't what you’ll give, And in your silence, I can’t live. You chose your pride over us, And left me broken in distrust.

So, paint me as the villain, fine, But I’m done watering this dead vine.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#apologies

Apologies

An apology, not just words in air, But a bridge rebuilt with honest care. Not, “This was months ago, why bring it up now?”— A phrase that breaks, not mends the vow.

Nor, “I’m sorry that you felt that way,” A hollow phrase, a debt’s delay. Instead, speak truth, say what you mean, Let empathy guide where pride has been.

Say, “I’m sorry for what I did to you, For the hurt it caused, the trust it threw.” Look in their eyes, not at your feet, Let the sorrow make your voice complete.

Not, “It’s just how I am, you know,” Or an excuse to let guilt go. But, “I see now where I went wrong, I’ll do my best, I’ll stay strong.”

Hold space for silence, don’t rush through, Show them their pain is known to you. A real apology bends the knee, And hopes to heal, to set them free.

Not, “I was just joking, why so tense?” A phrase that smothers good intent. But, “I realize now, my words fell flat, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry for that.”

Learn to sit with the awkward truth, It stings like nettles, sheds old youth. But the heart grows wiser, softer, kind, In the space where “I’m sorry” is well-defined.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# I dont want it

I don't want it

If it’s not like in the movies, where our pain is shared, not tucked away, then I don’t want it— if all we have are hollow words, and smiles that vanish by the end of the day.

And if it’s not like in those games we play, where loyalty means we stay, come what may, then I don’t want it—I'll walk away.

If it’s not like Sailor Moon and her crew, standing together through trials they knew— from moonlight battles to laughter’s embrace, each friend’s a light, filling the dark space.

Or like Inuyasha’s unwavering band, fighting demons, together they stand, Kagome and friends, through every plight, proving loyalty shines brightest at night.

If it’s not like Dragon Age bonds so deep, where allies and heroes secrets keep— for strength is born where hearts align, and friendships form the strongest line.

Or like Ash and Pikachu in their quest, forging a bond through every test, If it’s not like that, through thick and thin, then I don’t want it, and that's not a sin.

If it’s not like these tales so bold, where friendship’s warmth chases out the cold, then I don’t want it— for in those bonds that cross every fear, I know there’s hope and joy sincere.

Those tales that told of stories old, All fiction, yet in millions sold. Not real but close, and touched the heart— Unlike our bond, that fell apart.

Your sweet nothings kept me blind, And left no trace, nor warmth behind.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# sweet nothing

Sweet nothing

Why all the poison, when you held me close? Said I mattered yet vanished like a ghost. Words spilled easy, thick and sweet, But when I needed proof, you’d retreat.

I gave my trust, but the ground felt thin, Unsteady steps, never sure where to begin. Fragile threads, tangled and thin— I thought we were more than we’d been.

Empty words left wounds untold, A friend in name, but never bold.

A friendship built on words alone Falls apart, like seeds unsown.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# tired

She is tired of words that carry no weight, Of promises broken, arriving too late. She’s tired of trying, left all on her own,

Compromising peace, she’s barely known

Pushed to the wall, nowhere to flee, Hoping for safety that won’t be. And in the end, she’ll just be replaced, A fleeting shadow, easily erased.

She is tired of waiting for change that won’t start, Tired of feeling alone in her part. Tired of trust that’s constantly frayed, Tired of excuses, where she’s left betrayed.

— a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# what was lost

What was lost

I was so afraid of losing you, but what I lost was far more true: my peace, my time, my faith in us, a fragile bond turned into dust.

I felt so shaken, caught in your frame, you painted me with colours of blame. I tried to prove you wrong, but still, all you saw was a picture of your will.

You liked the hues that clung to me, while I lost trust, so easily. I should have run the very first time, when doubts arose, and trust turned to crime.

Now I mourn what’s lost, it’s clear, my goodwill, our future, and patience here. In this tangled mess, I find my way, searching for peace where shadows play.

 — a poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#blame

Criticize me

Paint my wings black, and I will still fly.

Twist my words until they die.

Vilify me

Make me the villain in your story

Make me repeat to say I’m sorry.

Demonize me

Your therapists echoed she’s bad (she’s bad) (she’s bad)

To stay in this friendship would be utterly mad.

Antagonize me

You used my trauma as your weapon

While saying you have to protect yourself, I reckon.

Pacify me

Claim your words, were in good spirit.

Stabbing my wounds the next minute.

Come crucify me.

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# heart of glass

Heart of glass

If your words flash across the screen, They touch my eyes, crawl deep within. They crush my heart and bruise my soul, Breaking apart what once was whole.

And if I can’t make it right.

If I’ll only drag you through the night.

Into my darkened, endless sea.

let the end begin.

Then shatter me.

There’s a crack that starts to show,

From my fingertips to my throat below.

If I can't make amends tonight, and all I do is to steal your light, If my existence weights too much,

Then shatter me, with just a touch.

If you can’t hear the frequency of my voice

Because for you it’s just some noise. If the meaning in my words can’t break through, There’s nothing left for me to do. If the silence stretches endlessly, Then go ahead and shatter me.

Poem by me

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# crashlanding

Crashlanding

I crash at my best friend's place, 

like a paper plane, fallen from grace. 

Told her everything we’ve been through, 

Shared the past, our moments too. 

This is what she said:

“Honey, not all who wander are lost, 

But she is, and that’s the cost. 

Sorry, you’re no Alice, dear.

You can't follow her through the fear.

Into her storm, she won't look back, 

You’re both free, but on separate tracks. 

When winter calls, you'll need a home, 

Bless her mess but let her roam.”

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#advice

It took me By surprise, Your advice,

It was bitter.

I should stop, To assume, All consumed, By the thoughts of

How and why.

I should ask, But you too, Did the same,

Through and through.

In defense, You just say You reflect Me that way.

Are you kidding me?

Here’s some advice, Now for you: Don’t offer words Unasked, untrue.

Don’t help out, If deep down, Your good deeds Wear a frown.

And don’t push your Own desires When mine are lost In quiet fires.

[messedupinfjthoughts]

# let it die

Let it die. It's hard to keep this alive. Want some pats on your shoulder, for making me cry? I forgot that your own pain, is the only pain matters. You just try to survive. I know it's a battle.

Let it die. As it should. 'Cause nobody cares. Except me, funny.

Let it die. You are loyal. But you're not loyal to me. Okay, I set you free.

You can be clingy with friends. Guess, I was not one of them. And I won't condem. I am just tired to hold on, you dont hold on to me. Won't sell my heart to your casual cruelty.

I am so sick of what happened. Been to war, with 'whatever'. A stranger, forever. I know I deserve better. Than being gifted ignorance. I know you have your friends. Let this die.

I know we will be fine. On my own, at your side. It's okay, let it die.

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#

dragonfly,

you don't know how to stay.

keep saying "I'll love you" then you fly away.

I hope we never cross our ways again.

'cause I've raised a storm inside.

cloud

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#

My "family" never felt responsible for the things they do to me.

They don't apologize for not being there for me...

They just expect me to never have needs or someone to rely on.

If I need help, I am a burden.

If I make appointments with them it's okay to just cancel it every time.

So, when my fiancè told me that our educator had told her to keep me away from my family, I was just glad she did.

And still, I did not stop looking for people who could f*ck with my mental health just like those who share my blood type just to feel a sense of what it is like...to have a family.

[messedupinfjthoughts]

#

Don't trust people who claim they are loyal like a dog. (In Hindsight: They are not.)

Thank me later.