mentforme-blog1

[mentforme-blog1]

Memoiry 1

He mused to himself as he wrote “he mused himself” man that’s a bullshit line, you guys think im gonna write a fucking memoir like that? I’m not even someone who’s done anything to warrant writing a memoir, but how else i gonna fucking pass time while I’m thinking thoughts that really encapsulate who i am as a person at 4:35 AM. fuck. It’s 4:35 AM. 5 minutes ago i was thinking about sarah conrad at 4. 30. A. M. Like fuck. It’s not like romantic by the way, im not like thinking about her voice or some shit (although i was thinking that about Person 2 shortly before hand). I just have a lot of respect for Person 1 including our disagreements. I was half thinking about texting her to see if she wanted to grab coffee at some point tomorrow but I can’t exactly text her that early bc then she gonna think a) im out of my goddamn mind (which i am rn to be fair, in literally every sense of the phrase) and b) that im tryna fuck her or something which aint the case chief. Like let’s be real, im not not trying to fuck anyone. Im lonely as hell right now. I.... just lost my train of thought. I just passed by the library (where i think with about 50% certainty that Person 2 works) and just overthought about whether or not i should take a shit in there. Half of me was like yo i should go do that because maybe she is in there, the other half thought yo I shouldn’t because she might be and the two other combinations of that. I guess i should mildly explain the Person 2 thing in some simple terms (in the danger of worsening the situation or lack thereof). So basically i have some forms of attachment issues and i super fell in love with Person 2 and then we weren’t gonna see each other till after winter break and I wanted to see or talk to her before then and it was super unclear whether or not she actually liked or cared about me or anything. So being on a rampage of a romantic notion that I wasn’t going to regret not trying to talk to or see her i kept bugging her until she said yeah we done with anything chief. Then over that break we talked for a couple days and then didn’t talk for like a week (?) she had some surgery at some point. But then i had a panic attack that i was going to lose her as a friend or as anything and started crying and messaged her saying that i was just pissed that she wasn’t trying to be friends and was super unfair and brought up the shit with how i felt she treated Person 3 unfairly and something in that mess of texts pissed her off (obviously) and she responded harshly and i half apologized but stood my ground (mainly on the Person 3 thing if i recall) and then we didn’t speak for a while and i tried retaining normalcy by sending her instagram shit like i always did in the hopes that maybe i could smooth things over like that and then i apologized and she was like yeah that’s fine but don’t try texting me as much and i was like oh okay that means intermittent texting which was fine with me, and i tried what was intermittent texting (to me) and she just sent like “ok.” sorta shit and then i eventually got the message (she blocked me on instagram at some point) and then over the next couple months i was drunk near her at model un functions and just tried sincere apologies (I don’t drunk text i just think the things i want to say i should because of regrets and shit) (p.s. I’m basically a romantic drunk but that sucks because people think I’m just saying shit i don’t mean but it’s literally no different to how I’m thinking right now, i just have more initiative) but after those (legitimately sincere) attempts at apologies i deleted her number and sort of got angry at her at myself interchangeably until i stopped blaming her at all. Anyway now she’s in charge of me with Event 1 (which is bs bc she doesn’t really “get” Event 1 and i have a much better grasp on it than her) but anyway now I’m getting annoyed that I don’t think she’s taking her job as seriously as she should (or as I would) and I’m just feeling so conflicted. Like on the one hand I’m angry because i know how she thinks (i know how a lot of people think tbh even though they usually try and say I don’t and when they force me to explain don’t talk to me for a month bc people don’t like feeling like somebody knows them better (or as well) as they do. But on the other hand i really care about her because i know her and because i want Event 1 to succeed and i want Club 1 to generally succeed. Like i love her to death (both platonically and romantically if I’m being honest) but I can’t let her get in her own way or in the way of Event 1 (and therefore in the way of Event 2 and Club 1) but i know she will never let me talk to her on a real level unless something crazy happens and this aint a fucking movie. Anyway i thought all of that in about 2 minutes of this walk and have spent about half an hour typing it all out, which is half of my fucking problem. I just think of too many things simultaneously, like I’m not smarter than anybody and i just am so pissed off when someone genuinely thinks that i am smarter than themselves or other people and doesn’t understand that I’m so much more wasteful and stuck than anybody else. Like my gpa is shit, it’s an actual reflection of my intelligence, like i say I don’t care bc it’s not causal to intelligence or anything important but that’s applicable to everyone else. For me there’s a very accurate correlation there like I’m not dumb and i know intuitively and factually the things that i know but none of it matters. God it’s shit like this that makes me think about killing myself some times but that’d be stupid bc I’ve been such a dick to so many people and been wrong about blaming them for arguments between us (although if ppl did follow my thinking there would gen(erally/uinely) be less conflict between people) that they would take my death as some sort of sign that “oh maybe he was right” even though my death means fuck all in reality that those ppl would likely blow it up disproportionately. Man if only all of the people who I’ve ever chosen to let in hadn’t been either super kind and/or broken on some level, suicide would totally be on the table. Anyway i might put this on tumblr anonymously to see if anyone has anything interesting to say or relates or some shit.