mentallymelting123

[mentallymelting123]

Can’t wait to go no contact with my family. I fucking can’t do this anymore. And yet I ducking have to or I’ll be sleeping in a ditch.

[mentallymelting123]

Nothing feels worth it anymore. I did the things. I got into the best school. The loan fell through. The school is charging me extra for bullshit that was suppose to be included. The supporting staff are assholes. The education has been wonderful but the fucking teachers aren’t getting paid enough. What’s the point? I just had to take a shower in my sink because maintenance ignored my email. I finally saw a doctor. She refilled my meds but there’s now a fucking shortage! So no meds for me. My computer was spilled on and broke because of it. I didn’t even fucking do it. Someone else broke it and I had to pay it. I have no money. I fought so hard for something better but I don’t think it exists. I don’t want this anymore. I want a home where I can sit alone with my dog and read a book and listen to a fucking record and drink my fucking tea and smoke my fucking weed. But instead I now have a sty covering my left eye because I cried earlier and wiped away my tears. This city is dirty and loud. I fucking hate it all. I don’t want to off myself but god I wouldn’t have a single regret if I just slipped into the darkness tonight. I have no more to give. As above so below doesn’t apply here. I’ve given everything to be given nothing back but debt, racism, classism directed at me and the clear perspective I do not belong in an environment mean to create pieces for the Rich to launder their money through. I can’t do this. I want to just be left alone. I want connection so bad but we are in such rotten times. I don’t want to be here anymore. And now my booster is making me nauseous. 🖕

[mentallymelting123]

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm! Don’t self harm!

[mentallymelting123]

Pt2

I slept terrible. I had dreams my teeth fell out. They were decayed, breaking, bloody, worn to almost nothing. Then there where awful boils on my face. And finally spiders pounds and pounds of spiders. He was there in all three dreams.

I wasn’t sleeping well. I kept waking up. He also was awake sometimes. Sometimes he was staring at me. He left the bedroom at one point. Went into the living room and was in his phone. And when he came back I woke up to him inches from my face he was standing. Staring right at me. I don’t remember what he said. I think it was something about wanting to know if I was sleeping.

I got up early and went to the store. I made us omelettes when I got back. I tried to give it to him in bed but he said no he’d come out there. Normally he sleeps in until 1 or 2. We spend our mornings intertwined. Usually ending in sex. But instead he was up. And was ready to leave the house at 11. He offered to drive. Meaning he had the power when we left. But when we got to his car it had been broken into. Both his film cameras were gone. He stayed composed tho. After we dealt with the police forms we went to a beach an hour away. We didn’t have a plan. We didn’t pack food or drinks or anything. It was hot. And not fun. He didn’t hold my hand. He kissed me twice. And we only stayed two hours max. When we headed back into town we decided to go to the place we had our first date for dinner. We got lost. When we got there he brought up how we could get dinner and maybe a drink and then go back to my place and finish watching the mighty ducks. I said that all sounded great. I meant it. And said how I liked how this felt like a full circle. It was nice coming back here. We checked out an art studio. And went to dinner. When we sat down I told him I was excited to kick his butt in pool. Then he said he didn’t wanna do that anymore. If he drank he’d have to wait 45minutes to drive back and then the movie would be at least an hour and then the drive home would be long. By the end of dinner he said he didn’t wanna watch the movie. We ended up having to go to apple to pick up my computer. And eventually we arrived at my house. He pulled up and then decided he would stay to finish the movie. We went in and he checked fb market place and there was one of his cameras. So we did the whole police thing again. Figured out what he needed to do. And then we watched the movie. When it was over he got his stuff and left. I told him to let me know if I could help with the camera stuff and that I hope it worked out ok and he asked me why. I stumbled and said because I felt bad and was sorry it happened while he was at my place. He left. With just two passionless kisses. He texted when he got home. I’m just gonna attach the texts so I don’t have a to type anymore. I ended up apologizing tho because this entire two days has just been fucking weird. He didn’t respond. I don’t know how to feel or what to do.

I feel used I think. I feel detached. Like the idea that he could be my friend is now lost. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed.

[mentallymelting123]

Pt1

Well our last weekend has come and passed. I asked him to stay all weekend and his response was “let’s play it by ear” when we met up Friday he told me it would be too much to spend the whole weekend together. He’d get too tired. To worn down. So I had to pick what day I could see him. I said Friday, Saturday. I didn’t tell him it was in part because as of Sunday we can’t be intimate anymore because I’m getting a biopsy on my cervix and it won’t be healed before I leave.

So we went to a roof top bar. We had a drink and we talk talked. I mentioned three months didn’t feel long enough. I would’ve liked to keep seeing where this could go. He brushed it off. We talked about past partners. What we need and what in future relationships, partnerships.

He asked me if I thought she was a factor. I said no. He said yes that we were in different stages in life than one another I said I agreed but was wondering if she mattered beside that point. He said no but then was a bit deflective. He put it back on me saying that the age gap had been a problem for me in the past. I said that was because I was a kid. Depressed and anorexic. Which is the truth. We moved on from that conversation. It was very clear after that talk he’s not ready for a partner. Not a real one. I must have been so ideal for him. Someone to do cute shit with but with a time limit so perfect.

Since it was our last night together I bought lingerie. We showered together and things got steamy so when we got out I went and changed into it. When I came out in my robe. I told him the truth. I’ve never worn lingerie before. I took off the robe. He laughed. From there things get fuzzy to be honest. I felt shattered. I know I got a little defensive and said that I tried but these things are made for women with a different body time than mine. I hie stay don’t know what was said after that. He asked if he could use the bathroom and I said sure. But before he went he said “sorry I guess I’m suppose to ask differently. I’m suppose to grab you and through you on the bed right. And then he grabbed my arm. I pulled away and said no but he kept pulling so I let him pull me into the bed and he kissed me but then he got up. He went to the bathroom. I want to the kitchen and got water. When he came out I tried to act casual about it. He started talking about watching a movie. Like I wasn’t in fucking lingerie. I went into the bathroom and took out my contacts. I felt so defeated. Disgusting. And unworthy of anyone. I was blushing. I’ve never blushed before. So I thought on pivot. We had once talked about how I didn’t think I could blush cause I’m not white. So I said. Turns out I can blush. He said what. So I repeated it and then just said never mind. When I came back out I didn’t know what to even do. I sat on the bed. He walked into the other room to drink water. I just got under the covers but was still showing some of it. Like I was hoping maybe he might want me. When he came back he started talking about how he wanted to watch a cheesy old Disney live action. So we turned on the mighty ducks. And started to watch it. It was so uncomfortable. Us under the blankets. Watching a kids movie while I’m in a lace skin tight dress and knees high socks. He said he was too tired to watch the movie 15minutes in. We turned it off he started to touch me. Not in a sexual way at first but eventually he did. It wasn’t the same as it was before. It felt forced. I didn’t move much because I was trying not to cry. He asked me if I wanted to just snuggle and go to bed or.. I said I’m fine with whatever. So he started to finger me. Not gently. Not sweetly. Not in a way a lover does. It was rough. Then he ate me out. Again aggressively. It was a lot. It hurt and felt good because this was the man I wanted to like so much and have one more fucking good night with. He eventually stopped and laid back expecting me to reciprocate so I did. He went and grabbed a condom and fucked me hard. Just in one position. We “cuddled after that” not in an intimate way. A robotic way. He said sorry and that his Lobito wasn’t very high when he was this tired. I then felt like I forced him. I told him I didn’t mean to pressure him. He said he didn’t feel like I did and that he wanted to send me off right. He put his cloths back on. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually he alluded we should go to bed. I said ok but let me get out of this I feel uncomfortable this stupid thing. I slept naked. He didn’t hold me. He just rolled away.

[mentallymelting123]

I don’t want to keep doing the self help books.

I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m inadequate.

Know your place, know you’re place. Because I fully believe I am below everyone. I’m not worth a second glance.

Not even my art is worth shit.

I was meant to die at 16 when I took all those pills. Why I’m still here, I’ll never know. I mean I know. I got the dose wrong ha.

But this life feels so heavy. I want to rest but there’s no opportunity or time for it. My rest will be eternal.

No art archived or remembered. I’m just meant to be nothing. Nothing to anybody. Not friends, not family. I’m alone.

And one day I’ll wake up and decide I don’t wanna try anymore.

That day doesn’t feel soon but it’s inevitable. I just hope I can have a couple more shallow moments of connection. Doesn’t have to b like this one. These connections aren’t shallow for me after all. They run so deep because it’s the only kindness I know. There my only happy moments. Even if they all ended and I’m forgotten. Anytime I feel solid is a good moment right?

I should keep doing the self help books. They allow me to understand a little better about just how differently I see things than others.

If I learn to talk the talk. I can at least have people in my life for a little longer. Until I get too tired and stop texting or calling them.

I think about building out a personality all the time to suite my surroundings. And I do so often.

I want more moments where I’m just me. It’s ok if those moments are short and are always with strangers but what else can I ask for. Either I build a persona that suites others and eventually get so depressed I can’t do it anymore or I just have these short connections. Where I feel a piece of me. No matter how small. Feels seen.

[mentallymelting123]

The idea of trying to be remembered exhausts me. Human connection is so important. Community is so important. But it’s not appreciated in these times. So a person like myself who wants those things struggles so much for them. But if it weren’t for my effort I’d just be forgotten.

And right now I’m not feeling a lot of energy to try and be remembered.

I tried for so long to not have an impact and now that I want to have one it’s even harder.

I just don’t think I’ll find a proper community and well the idea that I could actually be myself around anyone is laughable. Either the anxiety will make me mask. Eventually ruining the relationship. Or they see me as me and walk away.

I’m a believer we get back what we put out but what I have to offer I don’t think will ever be reciprocated. So shallow connections that only last up to a year are all I can hope for I guess.

It’s good I’m moving. He’d hate me eventually if he doesn’t already. I wonder how long he’ll text me for after I leave. My guess is he won’t. I’ll have to put in that energy until I can’t balance it anymore and I’ll lose my first connection I wasn’t afraid the entire time in.

I guess that’s not true though. I was scared. When he touched me. For a long time. I had to fight every nerve in my body not to flinch. And even now I notice how numb I get when we’re together. I thought maybe it’s the adhd but it’s not.

I tried to just fully get absorbed into this. Have a proper lover. Temporary or not. I wanted true connection and intimacy. But I think I’m just too messed up for it.

I accept my loneliness. I know my chances of finding someone are next to zero. But I can’t help but get caught up in the happy emotions a person gives me. I want connection so bad. I want someone to be sweet to me. I got a little of that. I just have to keep focusing on that positive. Or the illusion falls apart. I’ll remember him. Even if he doesn’t remember me. The first man I let touch me so much. The first man to tell me I gave him butterflies. I don’t know if it’s all just acting but I’m going to choose to believe it. I want romance after all. And at least for a little while I felt wanted. Kind of. He’s a mind fuck that boy. A beautiful mind fuck.

[mentallymelting123]

I’ll move and be completely forgotten.

[mentallymelting123]

I’m tired of having to tell myself to “know my place.” I’m tired of feeling alone and wanting to extend my hand out and make genuine connection. Just to have people treat me the way they do. I know I can’t choose how a person loves me or likes me or whatever the fuck but I don’t want to always have to hold back. I’m constantly feeling like I have to shrink myself to be acceptable and I don’t wanna do it anymore. But masking is necessary if I want people in my life I guess. Every time I want to express myself I hear that voice “know your place” and I just shut the fuck up. When will I feel human? When will I stop feeling less than everyone!? I just want acceptance and genuine connection. I don’t wanna be alone. I’d like to set roots. Settle down. Or maybe just die. Cause let’s be real I’m too neurodivergent to be loved. This society does not value me. And it never will. I don’t want to know my place. I want to just be me.

[mentallymelting123]

Situationships suck.

I’ve been “seeing” a guy for three months now. We agreed to see each other up until I left. I got accepted to my dream school across the country so I’m moving. I leave in two weeks.

I like this guy. He’s also a little cold though. Especially during the week when I don’t see him. But on the weekends he’s so warm and attentive. I feel safe with him. Physically. Emotionally.. he kinda puts me through a roller coaster.

I desperately need more attention during the week but I get it. He works until 7 and needs time to decompress.

He’s also compartmentalized the fuck out of our relationship though. To the point where I’ve never been to his place or met his friends. And it got to a point last month I ended up having to tell him I didn’t even think he liked me anymore. He made an effort after that to text me more during the week.

I still feel like his chippy in the city sometimes though. (He lives in the next city over. But the cities are close enough. About a 30 minute drive but there’s also a toll to get from his city to mine so it makes sense I haven’t gone over there.. kinda).

I bought lingerie a while ago. I was excited to wear it for him but haven’t gotten the chance to because I’ve been having issues with my reproductive system.

So this weekend is our last chance for a weekend of passion and fun.

Next week I have to get a biopsy on my cervix and by the time I heal I’ll be flying out so it’s our last chance for intimacy.

I asked him if he’d stay over all weekend. He said “let’s play it by ear”

It’s all so silly. I wanted to tell him the window is open. If you feel like relocating and having some fun traveling and living in a larger city. Well he knows where I’ll be. I wanted to put it more elegantly than that but my point was I was going to tell him three months isn’t enough. And I won’t ask you to uproot or do long distance with me. But the window is open.

Now I don’t feel safe to. I might physically feel safe with this man but emotionally not even a little.

This might sound like a foolish girl with a school girl crush on a guy who’s using her for sex but there’s a lot of other elements here. For one I’m queer. I’m pan more specifically so the idea of uhauling isn’t so crazy to me. It could be for him though.

That is true.

But he is adventurous or was.. when he was I think about 19-23ish he lived abroad. First for school and then for work. He lives far from his family. He moved to this state for his job.

We’re 6 years apart. Thats just enough when we talk about our childhoods we can see the differences. But besides that we are a good pair.

But I don’t think any of that matters.

I view the world too differently than him I think. I want to just enjoy life. God knows the past couple years have been shitty. At this point I just want to experience life before its too late.

I didn’t want a partner or to start seeing someone. I actually blew off his messages on the dating app alot. I just didn’t have the capacity for it. But he still wanted to keep talking and eventually we met up.

And I opened up to him.

For the first time I just was me on a date.

And well he told me I gave him butterflies. A feeling he hadn’t felt since he was a teenager. And 3 weeks or 3 months he wanted to be with me. So we have been.

And we didn’t rush into that intimacy. Not for me anyways. For him it could have been a little. He isn’t a person who hooks up or just jumps into bed.

So he says.

And we did hang out quite a few times.

We got the feel of each other before sleeping together.. he felt so real.

But It can all be looked at through so many different perspectives.

I may just be a chippy. Or he could really like me or maybe he’s indifferent but too nice to part ways with me.

I can’t figure him out like most people. And I like that. But in this situation it’s just a little tiring.

I didn’t want to like him so damn much!

But I just do. I dont want to regret not saying anything to him.

But really is there a point. A straight man, who loves his stability, who recently bought a home. We are just in different chapters in our lives

[mentallymelting123]

I’m just gonna let this be my toxic venting account.

[mentallymelting123]

TW: Eating Disorders are so dumb. I feel so freaking anxious after eating and I feel so much pride when I don’t eat. Like bitch you’re straight up denying yourself vital nutrients to function properly. And my ED is like bet.

Anyways, I fasted 24hrs on “accident” yesterday and then had a severe panic attack after I ate. Is this a relapse? Idk but lately it’s getting harder and harder to eat and I’ve been lying to my therapist about it. And I’m in complete denial or maybe it’s an excuse because I don’t want to go back to treatment unless I’m under weight.