mediocrityprinciple

[mediocrityprinciple]

[mediocrityprinciple]

03/31/2024

CW // implied suicide, transphobia/homophobia, pet death mention

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Today is a hard day for me.

As a queer, trans person, TDOV should be a day of celebration. However, every TDOV is a stark reminder of one of the worst experiences in my life - one that continues to affect me to this day.

Add to that my fundamentalist christian upbringing and the religious trauma that accompanies it - well. Today is /particularly/ hard.

On March 31st, 2015, I was 18 years old and finally (or so I thought) coming to terms with my identity as an agender/nonbinary/genderqueer sapphic person. I posted on my (since deleted) tumblr with a couple selfies to celebrate TDOV, something I NEVER did on tumblr - and a mistake I will likely never repeat. My anxiety about sharing photos of myself online on particular accounts has never really gone away but it's something that I've grown more comfortable with over the years. Two days after posting, I was met with horrible vitrol from the person that was my best friend, the person I was head over heels in love with (without realizing it) and the person who I admired and respected and cared about more than anything. (Honestly, looking back, I think it was more of an unhealthy romanticization/obsession than anything but that is something I am still coming to terms with - it was a classic sapphic high school experience tbh.) At some point she had found my tumblr account and been keeping tabs on it - apparently this was her breaking point. [Note: I would share screenshots but I deleted them years ago after reading and re-reading the things that were said to me and frankly I have no desire to try to dig them up from my old files]

This broke me. Her hatred towards me broke me.

The only reason I survived those first couple days was for my pet rabbit (who passed less than a week later and whose death I still blame on myself.)

It's been nearly nine years since that day and I have learned and grown and matured as a person - including getting away from some of the incredibly unhealthy delusions I had at the time (I was DEEPLY involved in otherkin + OSDD/DID tumblr and was dissociating heavily at this period of my life. I want to be clear, I was not "faking" I was severely mentally ill and frankly, the messages from my "best friend" helped me re-examine some of my delusions and eventually heal from them).

Regardless of the passage of time, there is still a Wound surrounding TDOV that I cannot separate from the day. What should be a day of joy and celebration always reminds me of what I lost and the nightmares that plagued me for years (and on occasion still do).

Ironically, She reached out to me back in 2018 and we had reconciled for a time. But as of today it's been three years since she's responded to my messages. The last time I texted her was to wish her happy birthday (a date that also falls this week).

In 2018 I thought I had healed from the experience. I had accepted what had happened and when she contacted me to apologize I welcomed the chance to be friends again. I don't regret this, but I do feel like a fool for reopening that wound. I opened myself up to the hope of rekindling our friendship only to be hurt all over again (albeit in a different way.) She does not owe me friendship, but neither do I owe her forgiveness.

The nightmares have started again and this week and this day is a reminder of the trauma that I experienced losing a friend, losing a pet, and losing my identity (for a time.)

I look forward to the day that I can celebrate Trans Day of Visibility with pride. I look forward to the day that it doesn't remind me of her. I look forward to the day that I can - once again - accept what happened is part of the reason I am who I am and acknowledge that forgiveness is a virtue. I took a chance and it backfired. I was hurt all over again. And the worst part? If she texted me right now? I would probably respond. Because I still care about her in some way and I still have hope that we could be friends.

But she won't. And I won't. Because while forgiveness is a virtue, I am not willing to let her hurt me again. I'm done.

Maybe in another 9 years I can be proud to celebrate this day untainted by bad memories. But until then, I am happy to see trans joy on my timeline. Trans people exist. We exist in many forms with many experiences from many walks of life. We are here to stay no matter what the world throws at us. I'm so glad to still be here. And even though today is hard for me now, it won't always be.

Happy Trans Day of Visibility. Keep spreading your joy, one day I will join you. <3

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the fact that tumblr is now blatently allowing AI scraping (of old and new data) is so despicable...the fact that deleting the content years ago wasn't enough to prevent this is actually horrifying

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i keep thinking of this

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painting plan that never worked out !! but its okay :-) i like the sketch too

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The Evening Sun (Iphigenia)

1860

by Oscar Gustave Rejlander

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masking isnt enough anymore i need a powerful amulet

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'CURSES OF THE HEART" 🩸

Art By: @xis.lanyx

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Man, the flesh sucks. I'm gonna abandon it for the machine.

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pyre of patroclus

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pro-AI in the sense of "they taught a bread scanning computer to recognize cancer cells" etc etc

against AI in the sense of "we stole artwork from hundreds to thousands of artists, didn't credit them and didn't financially compensate them"

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Water Serpents II by Gustav Klimt (1907)

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⚔️🌿 swords 🌿⚔️

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i am at a point in my life.

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'Dragon'. Witold Pruszkowski. 1896.