medandana

[medandana]

i kind of just want to go.

i’ve been feeling this strange, numb pain in my chest all day. similar to the weight of unshed tears. i want to cry so bad, but i think i'm all cried out. i don’t know if things will ever get better from here. even music, my sweetest escape, hasn’t been able to make me feel better. the gray skies outside mirror the heaviness in me perfectly. i’ve just been staring at them for the last 30 minutes, my mind completely blank. the mere act of thinking hurts. i just want this pain to stop. i don’t know. i kind of just want to go.

[medandana]

that ship has finally fucking sailed.

i finally closed a chapter that i should've ended a long fucking time ago. it was during lunch time when i decided that being harsh was the only way to kill all hope. i had to be. once it was done, i didn't feel sad anymore, just pure relief and a strange burst of energy. i put on my earphones, listened to the catchiest part of "they both reached for the gun," and matched my steps to the beat, walking straight to the next class like i owned the motherfucking moment. FUCK, i felt so good. i'm so proud i finally did right by myself for once. that chapter is finally fucking over, and i have nothing more to say about it. now, it’s all about moving forward, head held high.

here's to new beginnings. holy fucking fuck.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for

Let me hear it!

The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun Oh yes, they both reached for the gun For the gun

A little louder!

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for (Oh yeah) The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun Oh yes, they both reached for the gun For the gun (Now you've got it!) Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun Oh yes, they both reached for the gun For the gun Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both Oh yes, they both, oh yes, they both reached for The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun

Both reached for the Gun (The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun) (The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun) (The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun) (The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun) (Both reached for the gun!)

[medandana]

i want to dedicate this post to my best friend.

i meant to pen this a week ago when i had just come out of a breakup with my ex, but i got really tired and haven't really willed myself to start on it until now. on the night of the breakup, my best friend was the first person i reached for, as there was no one else who truly understood my situation. it took a couple of rings before he finally picked up. from his groggy voice, i could tell my call had been a rude awakening for him. i asked, “did you just wake up?” and he replied, “no shit, sherlock, but it’s alright, i’m all ears.” that’s what i always loved about him; he never made me feel like a burden. that unwavering support was one of the many reasons why i cherished him. he was always there during the worst times in my life. i told him what happened, and his voice still laced with sleep, he said, “i’m so proud of you, dude. i’ll be honest, breaking up with him was the easiest part. now you have to stick to your decision and not look back.” he was right, of course. asserting my choice was a different battle altogether. my best friend knows my personality well; he always says i change my mind like flipping a coin. that’s why he tells me after every decision, “sleep on it first, and let me know tomorrow morning.”

our dynamic has always been comical. there was never a dull moment. during our first year of medical school, we both confessed we liked each other romantically, but we decided right from the start that it wouldn’t work out due to the “religion factor.” i think i didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it was hard interacting with him for a full year after that. just the thought of having access to someone every day but not being able to have him in the way i wanted was somewhat painful. what helped was that we ripped the bandaid off from the very beginning, making it easier to maintain our friendship over the years. if i’m honest, i still secretly hoped during that year that we would eventually end up together someday. he was everything i was looking for in a partner.

i loved him. truly. i’ve never met someone with such a pure heart and a steadfast moral compass who wouldn’t take any bullshit from anyone. i needed him in my life, especially for someone as ethically and morally bankrupt as i am. if there’s one thing that has remained constant for the past two years, it’s him. his presence has been my anchor. i’ve learned a lot from our friendship over the years. from him, i learned the value of grace, the importance of holding my head high during shameful moments, and the necessity of self-control when life just spirals.

just like me, he’s a notorious sleepyhead. whenever we had a quiz or exam, he would always call me 30 minutes to an hour beforehand to check if i was awake. there were times i didn’t even have to ask him to do this for me. it was honestly these types of gestures that reveal the depth of his kindness. even when he’s clearly done with my antics, he still manages to have my back every single time without fail. i’m so lucky to have a friend like him. when i first dropped the bomb on my ex and came running to my best friend in the rain, i told him to go home since i knew he had responsibilities with his family. i said i’d call another friend to be with me that night. he replied, “you sure? wait for me to be back in 30 minutes. i don’t think you have anyone else tonight, dude. plus, i’m always here, okay?”

he was also aware of my financial situation last year. even before he met my dad, he already held a deep respect for him. i always spoke highly of my dad—how he had been more than just a parent, but a role model, mentor, and close friend, someone i could bicker with and rely on in equal measure. he constantly sought to ease my financial burden in whatever way he could. i believe, in his own way, it was also his way of helping my dad. he understood that my dad, well into his 70s and long overdue for retirement, carried more than his share of the weight. whenever we went out to study or eat, he’d always ask if i wanted anything. i would decline every single time, not wanting to exploit his generosity. but there was one occasion when we were both nearly penniless, but needed caffeine to keep going. without a word, he stood up, bought a can of mountain dew, and split it between us. that simple act moved me deeply, and it has since become a cherished inside joke whenever we need an extra boost of caffeine.

one thing i’ll never forget is how he stood by my side after my ex sexually assaulted me last november. in the aftermath, my ex flipped the story on its head and started spreading lies about me. he had many friends across the batches and convinced a considerable number of people that his version was the truth. i feared my best friend might start believing him, but it was the complete opposite. it’s extremely difficult to make my best friend angry, but i’ve never seen him so filled with rage when my ex visited his house trying to get him on his side. he almost beat him up. he didn’t have to go to such lengths for me. it even got to a point where i didn’t feel safe going to the bathroom alone, and he insisted that i let him know whenever i needed to go, and he’d wait outside. not once did i feel an ounce of annoyance from him. without his support during that time, i honestly wouldn’t be here today.

naturally, given the weight of the events, i found myself opening up to him about my history of r*pe. i could see the shock in his eyes, yet he remained composed, listening intently. it was a difficult revelation for him; knowing his conservative nature, i feared he might judge me or feel disgusted. when i finally finished, he said, “promise me you’ll never put yourself in that kind of situation again.” and that marked the end of our conversation. i imagine that a typical person might have been triggered by such words, especially in today’s culture that strives to avoid victim shaming. yet, strangely, his statement resonated deeply within me. my recklessness had indeed exposed me to danger. it’s not to say that the blame rested entirely on my shoulders, but perhaps i’m merely reflecting on statistics. what's frustrating is that i have let him down—not because the same thing happened again, but because i found myself in even more trouble this time. he once told me, “i don’t know if you’re looking for trouble or if trouble just finds you.” i don’t have an answer for that either.

anyway, going back to the night of the breakup, after we ended the call, which was pretty short, he sent me a song called “static” by steve lacy. during the first few seconds, i thought, “what the heck, isn’t this a meme song?” but i decided to keep listening anyway. i let the lyrics slowly sink in. it was his way of sending me a metaphorical hug when he couldn’t be there physically. my eyes started to well up, and i cried that night with that song on repeat until i fell asleep. the next morning, i wanted to message him an “i love you,” but i was worried it might scare him off. however, it wasn’t the romantic kind of love anymore; it had transcended beyond that a long time ago.

Static by Steve Lacy

Baby, you got somethin' in your nose Sniffin' that K, did you feel the hole? Hope you find peace for yourself New boyfriend ain't gon' fill the void Do you even really like this track? Take away the drugs, would you feel the noise? More and more you try to run away You fucking yourself, do you feel the toy? Uh, lookin' for a bitch 'cause I'm over boys Would you be my girlfriend, baby? Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Somethin' turned me off Smoking made me 'Cause I'm longing For somethin' secure If you had to (if you) stunt your shining (oh, nah-nah-nah-nah-nah) For your lover, dump that fucker Shoo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Shoo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Shoo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Shoo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, no

i remember almost two weeks ago, we were studying at a convenience store for our exams, and during one of our breaks, i opened up to him about my strained relationship with my siblings. i mentioned how my brother used to physically hurt me and my sister growing up. he told me, “i’m so sorry this happened to you, dude. while i still value family, i hope i can be the brother you never got.” i was left momentarily speechless when he said that. i wanted to hug him, but we’re just not affectionate that way. in fact, our expressions of love are often encapsulated by saying “fuck you", giving each other occasional jabs, and the classic middle finger. so instead, i gave him a tight-lipped smile and told him i appreciated it. deep inside, though, i was a cauldron of emotions. i thought "wow, this guy is really one of a kind." he truly was like a big brother, always looking out for me—my guardian angel.

sometimes, i find myself pondering whether i hold him in higher regard than he truly deserves. it’s certainly a possibility. he obviously isn't perfect. i understand that goodness wears many faces and comes in various forms, yet he has repeatedly shown me that goodness still exists in this world—that there are souls like his. i simply need to learn where to seek such connections. he often remarks that i "wear my heart on my sleeve." while he admires my capacity to love freely, he always cautions me that not everyone is deserving of that love. therefore, from now on, i need to exercise better discernment in choosing who i let into my life.

he was one of the first friends i made in medical school, and we were classmates from first to second year. although that changed in third year, our bond has only strengthened. it feels unspoken, but it’s nearly a crime to study outside without telling each other. this is why i’m looking forward to our fourth year; we’ll be in the same section, and the whole batch will be rearranged alphabetically. i can’t get enough of our shenanigans together and look forward to many more years of them. he often jokes, “i wonder what shit is in store for you this semester?” it makes me laugh, but my insides also twinge with guilt for putting him through so much. there are times when i ask him why he remains by my side, and more often than not, i just get a simple shrug.

i recognize the beauty of his kind soul, yet i know better than to take it for granted. everyone eventually reaches their breaking point. this time, i’ll do my best not to get into any more trouble. i need to get my act together and tread more carefully. this is for his sake, too. i’m aware that this blog post doesn’t do our friendship justice over the years—it doesn’t even come close. but i just wanted to express my gratitude for him in some way. if i’m being honest, i don’t deserve a friend as selfless as him.

[medandana]

when i was in college, i lived by a simple mantra: "when in doubt, read." i miss those days when the only thing on my mind was when i'd get to dive back into a book. days when the world beyond the page held little sway over me. now, i don’t mean to sound like a pretentious fuck, but i was a bookworm through and through, especially during the pandemic. mornings and nights blurred together as i curled up on my dad's lazy boy reading. he didn’t mind at all; in fact, he loved the sight of me so absorbed in a book. i was practically glued to that seat. my mom, on the other hand, wasn’t as thrilled—she'd give a me hefty scolding for abandoning my chores.

just today, while scrolling through tumblr earlier, i stumbled upon a poem that stopped me in my tracks. it reminded me of how powerful words can be and made me realize how much i’ve missed the magic of reading. that poem was like balm to a broken soul. i haven't had time to read for pleasure lately, since medical school has been a jealous lover—but maybe what i need is step out of my room, sit down in a café or anywhere really, and lose myself in a book again. that might be just what i've been missing.

Danez Smith, Don't Call Us Dead

[medandana]

this show is just what i need really in this junction of my life sigh. i can't get over how empowering it is, and it also fuels my dream of living in new york (or somewhere in the east coast) one day.

anyway, for a little background, i started watching this show over christmas break last year, but got busy once school started and had to put it on hold. now, i’m hopping back on the train, since it’s such an iconic show. what surprises me is how i relate so much to the main character, carrie bradshaw, and her struggle to disentangle herself from a man who couldn’t commit emotionally but still manages to keep her tethered for his own selfish reasons. my situation isn’t exactly the same, but i can't deny that it’s strikingly similar.

now, i don’t wish to cast my ex in a bad light, as i still carry so much love for him and it's just distasteful, in general, talking shit about your ex. but then, watching carrie make a fool of herself is so painful because i see so much of myself in her. she clung to mr. big’s potential and promises that never hold weight. i don’t even think it was a case of obsession over him. it felt more like she was desperately trying to fill a void, pushing far beyond her limits just to maintain the illusion of a relationship.

the first time i watched this, i couldn’t believe how foolish carrie seemed. her choices, her blind devotion made me so frustrated at the end of each episode. but now, after everything i’ve been through, i find myself understanding her in a way i couldn’t before. while i still think she made really dumb decisions, i now see the pain behind them, and instead of annoyance, i feel pity for her. she genuinely loved mr. big and, because of that, endured so much suffering. though watching it unfold, knowing this pattern stretches across six seasons, makes me want to shake her and scream, "wake up!" but of course, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. so, i guess i’ll have to cringe alongside her for four more seasons.

carrie and i are a lot alike. no matter how many people we date or sleep with, no matter how many choices we seem to have, at the core of it, we both want the same thing—to find that one person we can truly settle down with. dating these days can be exhausting, and even though this show was set in the early 2000s, it seems like nothing has really changed.

perhaps it’s time i fully embrace my singlehood, to swear off men—at least on an emotional level—and invest in myself. if the right person comes along, then so be it, but for now, i want to live with no expectations, to simply enjoy life. after all, it’s far too short to spend it weighed down by sorrow over things i can’t control.

SATC is a show every girl in her early 20s should watch 🎀 things we could learn from it ..

being single is just as fabulous as being taken or married

your friends are ur soulmates

its okay to make mistakes, no matter how old you are

talking about love is okay. however it shouldn’t be the only thing you talk about. we didn’t grow up to just talk about love interests.

theres nothing wrong with wanting to purchase cute heels

you can be the most perfect girl and still not be the first choice, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you

mixed signals isn’t a sign of interest. the right one is going to make sure you know they want you

there is nothing wrong with having standards

who you do is nobodys business but yours

ones beauty isn’t an absence of another

being a stay at home mom is fine, just like being a successful business woman. neither should be shamed

we all have our version of big. take it as a learning lesson. it’s normal dw

[medandana]

been binge watching satc lately, and i gotta say, i think samantha is my new spirit animal

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

samantha jones icons

[medandana]

I PASSED MY COMPREHENSIVE EXAMS

the universe really likes to surprise me. it was around 1:30 pm when the results came out. they posted our student numbers, instead of our names, on the bulletin boards for privacy. as i was sizing up the list, it was clear that less than half of us made it—probably around 40% at best. nervously, i began tracing my fingers down the list, focusing on the last five digits of my student number, since the first six were identical for everyone. i told myself that whatever happens, i could always retake it next semester, though deep down, i really didn’t want that. not after all the countless hours studying, the sleepless nights, the energy, and the money (especially on coffee) i had invested.

for a bit of context, the comprehensive exams covered all subjects from first to second year. i had sacrificed my saturdays and sundays for the entire month of august to take those exams, leaving little time for me to focus on my third-year topics. on top of that, i hadn’t done much prep over the summer because it was just a blur of personal struggles, so i wasn’t in the best condition, both emotionally and mentally, when i took those exams. in fact, it felt less like an exam and more like a marathon, one that stretched on for weeks.

anyway, when i got to the second row, i found my student number. my whole world froze. i reread it again and again—five more times, just to make sure i wasn’t imagining it. i had passed. as soon as it sank in, i hurriedly slipped out of the library and called my mom, who was with my dad. they were both ecstatic. my dad even joked, “you’re better than me,” which made me laugh because i know he was a stellar medical student back in the day. i had a 3 pm neurology class but decided to skip it and asked my mom to pick me up. i wanted to share this victory with my parents. when she arrived, i hugged her in the car, and we went straight to the grocery store to buy ingredients for pasta—a celebratory dinner for tonight.

while walking through the aisles, i gave my mom a tight side-hug and told her how much i missed her and how happy i was to be shopping with her. she kissed me on the cheek, and in that moment, everything felt right.

now i’m back home, and we’re resting a bit before starting on dinner. just when i thought the world had ended yesterday and last week, the universe had my back when i least expected it. i’m trying not to get ahead of myself, to revel too much in this one success, but maybe, just maybe, i should allow myself to feel this happy. all i can say is that i know i’ll survive whatever it is i'm weathering right now. i know i’ll survive it, just like i always do. i’ll bounce back—i always have.

[medandana]

"my last act of love is leaving you alone"

god, what a ride. i’m sitting here in the corner of a library, trying so hard to hold back my tears as i write this. i don’t even know where to begin. you had such a beautiful soul, and i consider myself incredibly fortunate to have known someone as kind, brilliant, and real as you, my love. you’ve heard it a million times, but these past six months didn’t feel like six months at all. honestly, it feels like i’ve known you for years. i know certain things would have surfaced with time, but i really believe this is the end of the road. i’m so grateful for you. i’ve shared my past with you, how jaded i had become about love, but meeting you changed all of that. i’m beyond lucky to have been loved by someone like you. thank you for allowing me the space to love you in return, even though we didn’t start on the best of terms.

i truly believed we would have forever. all the plans we made, the little dreams we built. and, of course, the joke about “rocking chair sex.” i held on as long as i could, hoping we’d reach the light at the end of the tunnel, where we could be free, just the two of us, without a care in the world. but somewhere along the way, i started losing myself. i was lying, not just to everyone around me, but to myself. i became someone i didn’t recognize because i loved you so deeply. i didn't know love could be so wonderful and painful at the same time. i let love consume me, and in doing so, i drifted further and further away from who i was. and though i’ll continue loving you until my last breath, love alone isn’t enough. god, how i wanted it to be. i overlooked the cracks in our relationship, turned a blind eye, and in the end, i had to choose myself. i had to walk away while most of me was still intact. it was one of the hardest choices i’ve ever made because knowing this kind of certainty with someone is so rare. it's like a once-in-a-lifetime thing. maybe i’ll regret it for the rest of my life, knowing i let this slip away, but i had to do it. for the both of us.

about a month ago, resentment began to simmer inside me. i tried my best to ignore it, to bury it deep within, but knowing myself, it was impossible. i think that’s why we always had that push-and-pull between us. i know i was largely to blame, and for that, i’m deeply sorry. it still astonishes me that you stood by me through it all. as much as i wanted to just stay, i reached my breaking point. there were too many sacrifices, too many uncertainties—more than i had bargained for. there’s no excuse for what i did, but desperation pushed me to extreme measures. do i regret it? absolutely. though you’ve forgiven me, if i could turn back time, i’d stop myself from ever going down that road. i’m so sorry for all the pain i caused you. i don’t deserve your forgiveness, if we’re being honest.

there’s so much more i want to say, but i’m overcome with emotion right now. when we spoke on the phone two days ago, i felt so hardened. i debated whether or not to give you the closure you wanted because i feared that it would reopen old wounds. but the moment i heard your voice, i caved. hearing your distress, your pain broke me— and i wanted to ease as much of it in any way i could. during that five-hour conversation, all the memories came flooding back in, and i remembered why i fell for you in the first place. it was so difficult, but i treasured every second of that call. i was talking to you as my best friend that night. you always have been, and losing someone like you feels unbearable, and breaks my heart in ways words cannot express.

i’ve grown and learned so much from our time together. it changed me, deeply. when we met, i was still piecing myself together, but still yearning for love and warmth. and though our situation wasn’t ideal, something beautiful came from it. you taught me how to love myself, something i’ve always struggled with. it's funny, isn't it? i could see the good in everyone but myself, and yet you were patient enough to help me see what i couldn't. for that, i’ll be forever grateful. i only wish i had been more vocal about how amazing you are. i know i’m still young, but i’ve lived enough to understand that what we had was rare, precious. it was nothing like i've ever experienced, and it's also something that many humans on this earth are still hoping and wishing to experience. it wasn’t just about love or intimacy; it was profound and, even, educational. we could talk for hours, about anything, even the smallest things, and i loved every moment of it. just being with someone as intelligent and kind as you made me happy.

as much as i want us to remain friends, i know it’s not possible. not now, at least. we still love each other too much, and things would escalate. we’re too intense for that kind of relationship. falling in love defies logic, and our love was so pure, so mysterious. the best thing for us now is to focus on ourselves. there’s so much life ahead of us, so many more experiences and people to meet. you’ve already accomplished so much, and i want to see you soar even higher. i’ll always be cheering for you, even from afar. as for me, i’ll probably take a break from dating, focus on myself, and not settle for less than i deserve. i need to make sure that when i love again, i do so from a place of strength. i still have so much growing to do. life will work out the way it’s meant to. we grow through pain, and we have no choice but to keep moving forward, full steam ahead. i want you to find love and happiness in its purest form, whether that’s with me or someone else. i carry no anger or bitterness in my heart anymore, only a hope that you live your life authentically and fully.

i’m not sure if i should say this, because even leaving the door slightly ajar might keep us clinging to hope. but after thinking long and hard, i’ve decided not to bolt the door shut. i’ll let fate decide. part of letting go is surrendering to whatever is meant to be.

so, if fate is kind, until we meet again, my love. as for now, my last act of love is leaving you alone, and letting you find your peace. take care. i’ll love you forever and ever.

[medandana]

thank god for the gift of friends. (tbc…)

[medandana]

La Chimera (2023) dir. Alice Rohrwacher

[medandana]

last week, when we were still in touch, i found myself just staring at my computer, unable to get any work done, weighed down by a strange inertia. you were with me in my room, keeping me company. i think you sensed my restlessness, that i was feeling stuck, unable to be productive. you asked if i was okay and if there was anything i wanted to do. i said i didn’t know. we sat in silence for a while, until you finally said, "let's go for a walk outside." i agreed.

it had rained earlier, so the streets were damp, and the air felt thick and cold. we walked side by side mostly in silence. i knew you were careful not to impose yourself on me, but you wanted to be there. as we came across an empty street, you asked if i wanted to slow dance. i was caught off guard, but deeply touched. not by the question itself, but by the tenderness those words carried. i stared at you for a moment, then nodded.

you pulled out your phone and played "margaret" by lana del rey. i smiled because that’s my name—a sweet, personal touch. you towered over me, so i had to stand on my tiptoes a little to wrap my arms around your neck. your arms found their place at my waist. it was a short song, but in those five minutes, time felt weird. i wished that moment could go on forever. in that brief stretch of time, nothing else mattered. the weight of everything else disappeared, and all that remained were the quiet rhythm of our feet and the soft sway of our bodies. it had been so long since i felt this safe, as though for once, i was being cared for instead of carrying the weight myself. it felt like you were my protector that night.

you twirled me a few times, and i couldn’t help but laugh out loud. when the song ended, a familiar heaviness returned, a wave of sadness washing over me. i found myself silently staring at the ground, unwilling to let the moment slip away so easily. sensing this, you then pulled me close and gave me the tightest hug. i wrapped my arms around you again, not expecting you to lift me off the ground and spin me around. i let out a little, startled squeal.

after gently setting me down, you told me we should head back so i could get some proper rest. on the way home, i couldn’t stop smiling. my heart felt lighter. we didn’t say much, but your presence alone kept my intrusive thoughts at bay. i tucked my hands into the pockets of my jacket, resisting the urge to reach out and hold one of your big, rough hands in mine.

[medandana]

"true love will always find you in the end"

i remember lying in bed with my friend a couple of days ago, passing his vape back and forth. it felt like the occasion called for it. we were both staring at the ceiling in the dark, the room softly lit only by the streetlights and the moon outside. it was an evening for reflection. i had just finished all my tasks for that night. we were sifting through our life experiences, almost like flipping through the pages of a photo album. i was mostly coming to terms with the weight of some recent events. he told me that, for someone as young as i was, i had "already lived a lot of life." i replied that this was the worst thing i had ever experienced. he corrected me, saying, "the worst thing you’ve experienced so far." we both laughed. just the absurdity of it all hung in the air between us.

he shared a memorable analogy with me, saying we are all just empty vessels, wandering through life searching for meaning in the currents. he reminded me that nothing is permanent and that everything happens for a reason. i let his words sink slowly in me. maybe i needed to stop bargaining with myself for things i couldn’t control and instead go where life takes me. i quietly told him that, for once, i just wanted a healthy, lasting relationship with someone. he turned to me and said, "who doesn’t want that? but remember, you don’t ever look for love—true love will always find you in the end." it's those words. they hurt like a stealthy knife to the ribs rather than a sizeable punch to the face. it's the ambiguity and, i guess, uncertainty of it that keeps haunting my mind to this day. in that moment, i couldn’t hold back my tears. he pulled me close, stroking my hair as i cried.

in the tightness of that embrace, i felt a distinct pulse, and it caught my breath. it was one of those rare moments where i could reflect on the unfolding of my life. maybe it was time to relinquish control and let life play out as it should. maybe i needed to walk away from what i wanted in order to receive what i truly deserved. in that subtle moment, i felt something profoundly human being revealed. i realized we often make life unnecessarily complicated. growing up, i had always longed for big conclusions, finding comfort in finality. i’ve always harbored this relentless desire to have my future neatly mapped out. whenever something didn’t go as planned, i would force myself to try to fit a square peg into a round hole, as if sheer will could bend reality to my design. maybe what’s truly standing between me and what i need is none other than myself. maybe i could trace it back to my upbringing—this unyielding need for control and naturally, power—where every detail must align perfectly, not a single thread out of place.

but that night, in that instant, i realized it was already enough to simply exist in that fleeting sliver of time. thinking about the endearing simplicity of that moment calmed me. the quiet atmosphere, the soft stillness, and the raw connection of two people sharing a space brought me a strange sense of peace. my thoughts were still half-baked, but i decided to just let go and let sleep carry us away.

[medandana]

Nobody talks about how having an Ed saves so much money

[medandana]

I should have known there'd be trouble

When you and I had to part

But it ain't my fault that you're still in my heart

I should have realized no matter what you do

That I'd go on feeling just the same

I come running whenever you call my name

You know I let you play me for a fool

I'd do anything that you say

I wait so long

But I just can't stand another day

I never wanted to love someone this way

But if you want me to

I'll carry on playing your game

I come running whenever you call my name

Find me weak

Find me strong

I get all messed up whenever you call my name

god dammit i’m a fucking idiot. i swear to god. why can’t i just love myself more and find the courage to completely walk away? this is just fucking grade-A clownery right here.

[medandana]

Fiona Apple

[medandana]

Fiona Apple photo by Joshua Kessler, 1997

[medandana]

Fiona Apple by Spiros Politis (1997)