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[medandana]

this show is just what i need really in this junction of my life sigh. i can't get over how empowering it is, and it also fuels my dream of living in new york (or somewhere in the east coast) one day.

anyway, for a little background, i started watching this show over christmas break last year, but got busy once school started and had to put it on hold. now, i’m hopping back on the train, since it’s such an iconic show. what surprises me is how i relate so much to the main character, carrie bradshaw, and her struggle to disentangle herself from a man who couldn’t commit emotionally but still manages to keep her tethered for his own selfish reasons. my situation isn’t exactly the same, but i can't deny that it’s strikingly similar.

now, i don’t wish to cast my ex in a bad light, as i still carry so much love for him and it's just distasteful, in general, talking shit about your ex. but then, watching carrie make a fool of herself is so painful because i see so much of myself in her. she clung to mr. big’s potential and promises that never hold weight. i don’t even think it was a case of obsession over him. it felt more like she was desperately trying to fill a void, pushing far beyond her limits just to maintain the illusion of a relationship.

the first time i watched this, i couldn’t believe how foolish carrie seemed. her choices, her blind devotion made me so frustrated at the end of each episode. but now, after everything i’ve been through, i find myself understanding her in a way i couldn’t before. while i still think she made really dumb decisions, i now see the pain behind them, and instead of annoyance, i feel pity for her. she genuinely loved mr. big and, because of that, endured so much suffering. though watching it unfold, knowing this pattern stretches across six seasons, makes me want to shake her and scream, "wake up!" but of course, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. so, i guess i’ll have to cringe alongside her for four more seasons.

carrie and i are a lot alike. no matter how many people we date or sleep with, no matter how many choices we seem to have, at the core of it, we both want the same thing—to find that one person we can truly settle down with. dating these days can be exhausting, and even though this show was set in the early 2000s, it seems like nothing has really changed.

perhaps it’s time i fully embrace my singlehood, to swear off men—at least on an emotional level—and invest in myself. if the right person comes along, then so be it, but for now, i want to live with no expectations, to simply enjoy life. after all, it’s far too short to spend it weighed down by sorrow over things i can’t control.

SATC is a show every girl in her early 20s should watch 🎀 things we could learn from it ..

being single is just as fabulous as being taken or married

your friends are ur soulmates

its okay to make mistakes, no matter how old you are

talking about love is okay. however it shouldn’t be the only thing you talk about. we didn’t grow up to just talk about love interests.

theres nothing wrong with wanting to purchase cute heels

you can be the most perfect girl and still not be the first choice, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you

mixed signals isn’t a sign of interest. the right one is going to make sure you know they want you

there is nothing wrong with having standards

who you do is nobodys business but yours

ones beauty isn’t an absence of another

being a stay at home mom is fine, just like being a successful business woman. neither should be shamed

we all have our version of big. take it as a learning lesson. it’s normal dw

[medandana]

been binge watching satc lately, and i gotta say, i think samantha is my new spirit animal

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

samantha jones icons

[medandana]

I PASSED MY COMPREHENSIVE EXAMS

the universe really likes to surprise me. it was around 1:30 pm when the results came out. they posted our student numbers, instead of our names, on the bulletin boards for privacy. as i was sizing up the list, it was clear that less than half of us made it—probably around 40% at best. nervously, i began tracing my fingers down the list, focusing on the last five digits of my student number, since the first six were identical for everyone. i told myself that whatever happens, i could always retake it next semester, though deep down, i really didn’t want that. not after all the countless hours studying, the sleepless nights, the energy, and the money (especially on coffee) i had invested.

for a bit of context, the comprehensive exams covered all subjects from first to second year. i had sacrificed my saturdays and sundays for the entire month of august to take those exams, leaving little time for me to focus on my third-year topics. on top of that, i hadn’t done much prep over the summer because it was just a blur of personal struggles, so i wasn’t in the best condition, both emotionally and mentally, when i took those exams. in fact, it felt less like an exam and more like a marathon, one that stretched on for weeks.

anyway, when i got to the second row, i found my student number. my whole world froze. i reread it again and again—five more times, just to make sure i wasn’t imagining it. i had passed. as soon as it sank in, i hurriedly slipped out of the library and called my mom, who was with my dad. they were both ecstatic. my dad even joked, “you’re better than me,” which made me laugh because i know he was a stellar medical student back in the day. i had a 3 pm neurology class but decided to skip it and asked my mom to pick me up. i wanted to share this victory with my parents. when she arrived, i hugged her in the car, and we went straight to the grocery store to buy ingredients for pasta—a celebratory dinner for tonight.

while walking through the aisles, i gave my mom a tight side-hug and told her how much i missed her and how happy i was to be shopping with her. she kissed me on the cheek, and in that moment, everything felt right.

now i’m back home, and we’re resting a bit before starting on dinner. just when i thought the world had ended yesterday and last week, the universe had my back when i least expected it. i’m trying not to get ahead of myself, to revel too much in this one success, but maybe, just maybe, i should allow myself to feel this happy. all i can say is that i know i’ll survive whatever it is i'm weathering right now. i know i’ll survive it, just like i always do. i’ll bounce back—i always have.

[medandana]

"my last act of love is leaving you alone"

god, what a ride. i’m sitting here in the corner of a library, trying so hard to hold back my tears as i write this. i don’t even know where to begin. you had such a beautiful soul, and i consider myself incredibly fortunate to have known someone as kind, brilliant, and real as you, my love. you’ve heard it a million times, but these past six months didn’t feel like six months at all. honestly, it feels like i’ve known you for years. i know certain things would have surfaced with time, but i really believe this is the end of the road. i’m so grateful for you. i’ve shared my past with you, how jaded i had become about love, but meeting you changed all of that. i’m beyond lucky to have been loved by someone like you. thank you for allowing me the space to love you in return, even though we didn’t start on the best of terms.

i truly believed we would have forever. all the plans we made, the little dreams we built. and, of course, the joke about “rocking chair sex.” i held on as long as i could, hoping we’d reach the light at the end of the tunnel, where we could be free, just the two of us, without a care in the world. but somewhere along the way, i started losing myself. i was lying, not just to everyone around me, but to myself. i became someone i didn’t recognize because i loved you so deeply. i didn't know love could be so wonderful and painful at the same time. i let love consume me, and in doing so, i drifted further and further away from who i was. and though i’ll continue loving you until my last breath, love alone isn’t enough. god, how i wanted it to be. i overlooked the cracks in our relationship, turned a blind eye, and in the end, i had to choose myself. i had to walk away while most of me was still intact. it was one of the hardest choices i’ve ever made because knowing this kind of certainty with someone is so rare. it's like a once-in-a-lifetime thing. maybe i’ll regret it for the rest of my life, knowing i let this slip away, but i had to do it. for the both of us.

about a month ago, resentment began to simmer inside me. i tried my best to ignore it, to bury it deep within, but knowing myself, it was impossible. i think that’s why we always had that push-and-pull between us. i know i was largely to blame, and for that, i’m deeply sorry. it still astonishes me that you stood by me through it all. as much as i wanted to just stay, i reached my breaking point. there were too many sacrifices, too many uncertainties—more than i had bargained for. there’s no excuse for what i did, but desperation pushed me to extreme measures. do i regret it? absolutely. though you’ve forgiven me, if i could turn back time, i’d stop myself from ever going down that road. i’m so sorry for all the pain i caused you. i don’t deserve your forgiveness, if we’re being honest.

there’s so much more i want to say, but i’m overcome with emotion right now. when we spoke on the phone two days ago, i felt so hardened. i debated whether or not to give you the closure you wanted because i feared that it would reopen old wounds. but the moment i heard your voice, i caved. hearing your distress, your pain broke me— and i wanted to ease as much of it in any way i could. during that five-hour conversation, all the memories came flooding back in, and i remembered why i fell for you in the first place. it was so difficult, but i treasured every second of that call. i was talking to you as my best friend that night. you always have been, and losing someone like you feels unbearable, and breaks my heart in ways words cannot express.

i’ve grown and learned so much from our time together. it changed me, deeply. when we met, i was still piecing myself together, but still yearning for love and warmth. and though our situation wasn’t ideal, something beautiful came from it. you taught me how to love myself, something i’ve always struggled with. it's funny, isn't it? i could see the good in everyone but myself, and yet you were patient enough to help me see what i couldn't. for that, i’ll be forever grateful. i only wish i had been more vocal about how amazing you are. i know i’m still young, but i’ve lived enough to understand that what we had was rare, precious. it was nothing like i've ever experienced, and it's also something that many humans on this earth are still hoping and wishing to experience. it wasn’t just about love or intimacy; it was profound and, even, educational. we could talk for hours, about anything, even the smallest things, and i loved every moment of it. just being with someone as intelligent and kind as you made me happy.

as much as i want us to remain friends, i know it’s not possible. not now, at least. we still love each other too much, and things would escalate. we’re too intense for that kind of relationship. falling in love defies logic, and our love was so pure, so mysterious. the best thing for us now is to focus on ourselves. there’s so much life ahead of us, so many more experiences and people to meet. you’ve already accomplished so much, and i want to see you soar even higher. i’ll always be cheering for you, even from afar. as for me, i’ll probably take a break from dating, focus on myself, and not settle for less than i deserve. i need to make sure that when i love again, i do so from a place of strength. i still have so much growing to do. life will work out the way it’s meant to. we grow through pain, and we have no choice but to keep moving forward, full steam ahead. i want you to find love and happiness in its purest form, whether that’s with me or someone else. i carry no anger or bitterness in my heart anymore, only a hope that you live your life authentically and fully.

i’m not sure if i should say this, because even leaving the door slightly ajar might keep us clinging to hope. but after thinking long and hard, i’ve decided not to bolt the door shut. i’ll let fate decide. part of letting go is surrendering to whatever is meant to be.

so, if fate is kind, until we meet again, my love. as for now, my last act of love is leaving you alone, and letting you find your peace. take care. i’ll love you forever and ever.

[medandana]

thank god for the gift of friends. (tbc…)

[medandana]

La Chimera (2023) dir. Alice Rohrwacher

[medandana]

last week, when we were still in touch, i found myself just staring at my computer, unable to get any work done, weighed down by a strange inertia. you were with me in my room, keeping me company. i think you sensed my restlessness, that i was feeling stuck, unable to be productive. you asked if i was okay and if there was anything i wanted to do. i said i didn’t know. we sat in silence for a while, until you finally said, "let's go for a walk outside." i agreed.

it had rained earlier, so the streets were damp, and the air felt thick and cold. we walked side by side mostly in silence. i knew you were careful not to impose yourself on me, but you wanted to be there. as we came across an empty street, you asked if i wanted to slow dance. i was caught off guard, but deeply touched. not by the question itself, but by the tenderness those words carried. i stared at you for a moment, then nodded.

you pulled out your phone and played "margaret" by lana del rey. i smiled because that’s my name—a sweet, personal touch. you towered over me, so i had to stand on my tiptoes a little to wrap my arms around your neck. your arms found their place at my waist. it was a short song, but in those five minutes, time felt weird. i wished that moment could go on forever. in that brief stretch of time, nothing else mattered. the weight of everything else disappeared, and all that remained were the quiet rhythm of our feet and the soft sway of our bodies. it had been so long since i felt this safe, as though for once, i was being cared for instead of carrying the weight myself. it felt like you were my protector that night.

you twirled me a few times, and i couldn’t help but laugh out loud. when the song ended, a familiar heaviness returned, a wave of sadness washing over me. i found myself silently staring at the ground, unwilling to let the moment slip away so easily. sensing this, you then pulled me close and gave me the tightest hug. i wrapped my arms around you again, not expecting you to lift me off the ground and spin me around. i let out a little, startled squeal.

after gently setting me down, you told me we should head back so i could get some proper rest. on the way home, i couldn’t stop smiling. my heart felt lighter. we didn’t say much, but your presence alone kept my intrusive thoughts at bay. i tucked my hands into the pockets of my jacket, resisting the urge to reach out and hold one of your big, rough hands in mine.

[medandana]

"true love will always find you in the end"

i remember lying in bed with my friend a couple of days ago, passing his vape back and forth. it felt like the occasion called for it. we were both staring at the ceiling in the dark, the room softly lit only by the streetlights and the moon outside. it was an evening for reflection. i had just finished all my tasks for that night. we were sifting through our life experiences, almost like flipping through the pages of a photo album. i was mostly coming to terms with the weight of some recent events. he told me that, for someone as young as i was, i had "already lived a lot of life." i replied that this was the worst thing i had ever experienced. he corrected me, saying, "the worst thing you’ve experienced so far." we both laughed. just the absurdity of it all hung in the air between us.

he shared a memorable analogy with me, saying we are all just empty vessels, wandering through life searching for meaning in the currents. he reminded me that nothing is permanent and that everything happens for a reason. i let his words sink slowly in me. maybe i needed to stop bargaining with myself for things i couldn’t control and instead go where life takes me. i quietly told him that, for once, i just wanted a healthy, lasting relationship with someone. he turned to me and said, "who doesn’t want that? but remember, you don’t ever look for love—true love will always find you in the end." it's those words. they hurt like a stealthy knife to the ribs rather than a sizeable punch to the face. it's the ambiguity and, i guess, uncertainty of it that keeps haunting my mind to this day. in that moment, i couldn’t hold back my tears. he pulled me close, stroking my hair as i cried.

in the tightness of that embrace, i felt a distinct pulse, and it caught my breath. it was one of those rare moments where i could reflect on the unfolding of my life. maybe it was time to relinquish control and let life play out as it should. maybe i needed to walk away from what i wanted in order to receive what i truly deserved. in that subtle moment, i felt something profoundly human being revealed. i realized we often make life unnecessarily complicated. growing up, i had always longed for big conclusions, finding comfort in finality. i’ve always harbored this relentless desire to have my future neatly mapped out. whenever something didn’t go as planned, i would force myself to try to fit a square peg into a round hole, as if sheer will could bend reality to my design. maybe what’s truly standing between me and what i need is none other than myself. maybe i could trace it back to my upbringing—this unyielding need for control and naturally, power—where every detail must align perfectly, not a single thread out of place.

but that night, in that instant, i realized it was already enough to simply exist in that fleeting sliver of time. thinking about the endearing simplicity of that moment calmed me. the quiet atmosphere, the soft stillness, and the raw connection of two people sharing a space brought me a strange sense of peace. my thoughts were still half-baked, but i decided to just let go and let sleep carry us away.

[medandana]

Nobody talks about how having an Ed saves so much money

[medandana]

Eat only when you really need it, when you feel weak or painfully hungry, NEVER force yourself to eat if you are not hungry

Why to eat? When food is just going to get you farther from your goal. There’s no need, it might suck in the present but in the future you will be happy when you see the results <3

[medandana]

I should have known there'd be trouble

When you and I had to part

But it ain't my fault that you're still in my heart

I should have realized no matter what you do

That I'd go on feeling just the same

I come running whenever you call my name

You know I let you play me for a fool

I'd do anything that you say

I wait so long

But I just can't stand another day

I never wanted to love someone this way

But if you want me to

I'll carry on playing your game

I come running whenever you call my name

Find me weak

Find me strong

I get all messed up whenever you call my name

god dammit i’m a fucking idiot. i swear to god. why can’t i just love myself more and find the courage to completely walk away? this is just fucking grade-A clownery right here.

[medandana]

Fiona Apple

[medandana]

Fiona Apple photo by Joshua Kessler, 1997

[medandana]

Fiona Apple by Spiros Politis (1997)

[medandana]

Fiona Apple live in Amsterdam, 1996

[medandana]

[medandana]