maybenotquiteuneuphoric - Tumblr blog

[maybenotquiteuneuphoric]

my friends are genuinely so fucking annoying I’ve spent all goddamn day nodding and smiling while they ramble about stupid shit I don’t care about like I’m not completely overwhelmed overstimulated and ready to fucking scream

like literally schoolwork is more relaxing than being around them. im. so. fucking. tired.

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constantly torn between “im the most selfish piece of shit alive” and “i fucking hate everybody in my life and i want them to fuck off because all they do is take from me”

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God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers (pinterest keeps showing me pretty skinny cis boys and i cant decide whether to put them in my gender envy board or my thinspo board)

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see I’d love to starve myself and be a cute skinny twink. you think i dont wanna be someones pretty trans femboy bf? yes i want someone to coddle me and talk down to me and infantilize me its better than having to enter every conversation with my parents fully equipped with an in depth understanding of biology psychology gender identity and all that shit. ooooh im a boy born as a girl >_< omg…. whatever idc just be nice to me please i wanna be tiny and cute like fawn over me please please please

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love to doomscroll on here and go down rabbit holes of things i would have never imagined in my entire life. fuck you mean you write ftm rape fantasies dawg

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oh hey man good to see you

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lowkey kinda cringe uh. euphoric re-invention hour

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shirley

had it been God’s will i’d live in your apartment

had it been God’s will i would have been my father

God’s will

had He wanted it i would know what that means

had He wanted it i would hold your father’s fiddle in my hands

had you wanted it

had you found it

had you lacked that ache in your bones

that thing that seeps into your soul

in your eyes

that thing that comes with age

and time

and tradition

had God wanted it i would wear dresses and bows and never cut my hair

had you wanted

had God

had God wanted

had God willed it i would be sick as could be

always rotting inside and never knowing why

had God willed it i would have prayed every night of my life

“dear God please fix me

fix this broken part of me

give me the strength to let this pass me by

give me the strength to understand

why you’ve done this to your daughter

your daughter sickened by that word alone”

your son

had you willed it

your son would drag me to church

your son would pray for my purity

had he told you

you would pray for my purity

lord have mercy

on your son’s lost child

God have mercy

on the body that rejects you

and Him

and will

and submission

and all that God made with His own two hands

two hands like mine

had i willed it

i would know God’s will

had i willed it

i would know a God who could love me

a God who willed for my will

a God who knows nothing of sickness

a God

like me

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i need to do mind altering substances i need to drive myself crazy because if i can dig DEEP into my PSYCHE maybe i can figure out what went WRONG!!!!

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maybe i should beg my sister for drugs

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i started listening to ethel cain she seems pretty neat on an unrelated note i think im gonna like die. man sun bleached flies is a cool song. i cant believe in god because i cant believe in someone who could truly love me knowing everything i was i cant believe in someone who would forgive me

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maybe i should sexualize myself for attention and validation on the internet. hmm or maybe i should have a snack and calm down

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being trans mlm is soooooo fun its like i wish i was cis. i wish cis boys would like me as a boy. i wish cis boys even saw me as a boy. i wish i wasnt a fetish. holy shit im horny

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i wanna be pretty the way boys are

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why wasnt i born a boy

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cant stop making ocs with absolutely no direction in life who firmly believe they should not have been. born. for secret reasons

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good news: i have the motivation to not lay in bed and cope by jacking off and binge eating

bad news: i have three late assignments and i am doing origami