maybaenk - Tumblr blog

maybaenk · 2 years ago

Text

Moth to a flame

Pairing: JJ Maybank x reader

Summary: She always goes back to him, no matter how much JJ hurts her. This time, however, is different and JJ slowly sees that.

Warnings: cursing, smut

Like a moth to a flame

I'll pull you in, I'll pull you back to what you need initially

It's just one call away

And you'll leave him, you're loyal to me

But this time I let you be

JJ had seen this before.

Y/N being sick of his shit. Tired of the way he’d constantly lead her on and then shutting her out completely. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, so she’d find someone else.

Someone sweeter, someone who’d want her. She’d find someone who’d give her all the attention she needed.

He watched them sitting on a log, the boy’s hand on her leg. She was smiling at him.

He thought about how she’d immediately go back to him if he called her right now. He imagined the way she would moan as his hands roamed her body, buried inside of her and the way the idiot she was looking at would be nowhere near the back of her mind. His hands hitched to grab his phone and make her leave the poor guy, but he knew it wasn’t right.

Y/N deserved something better, someone who wasn’t as messed up as him.

His jaw was tensed as he watched them, his eyes never leaving the pair. The guy was getting closer, his hand resting on Y/N’s thigh. Her eyes were happy, she was happy, but they didn’t sparkle like they did when she looked at him.

Suddenly, those same very eyes were looking right back at him. Her lips parted slightly, almost in surprise. He didn’t back down, continuing to stare at her.

Y/N knew that look. He was challenging her.

Go on.

He looked so good in his black tank and with his red cap on, she itched to get up and reach him. To touch him.

But then Y/N remembered their last encounter, the things he had said to her.

She was waiting for him, sitting in the porch at the Chateau. The old couch was comfortable and in her anxious state she almost wanted to lay down and let the sleep embrace her, but the nerves were eating her alive and she needed to talk to him.

It was eleven in the night when JJ got back, she heard his bike first. His footstep just minutes after and finally he was walking up the steps of the porch.

“Hey.” He said, surprised to see her, “What’s up?”

She couldn’t even look at him, “JJ.”

Her tone was low, disappointed, but always so sweet.

“What’s got you looking so down, baby?” He walked closer to her, raising a hand to touch her face but she turned it to the side.

“Someone told me about the girl from last night.” She spoke softly, “The blonde one?”

JJ took a step back, a sigh leaving his mouth. Y/N didn’t dare look at him, afraid she would cry.

“Who told you?” He sounded pissed off, and she found herself to be offended.

She finally looked up at him, “What does it matter, JJ?”

“It matters, okay? It’s none of their business, or yours for the matter.” He raised his voice.

Y/N looked taken aback and he almost apologized.

“I thought that— that-“

“What, Y/N?” He groaned, “What did you think? You know we��re not together, we’ve been over this.”

Her lips trembled, but she didn’t show him. She looked down, on the verge of crying. The sigh she let out was shaky.

“You didn’t want me to go out with Sean three weeks ago. I stayed with you. I’m such an idiot.” Y/N put her hands on her face.

JJ knew she was crying. It made his heart fall.

“Fucking doesn’t mean we’re together, Y/N.” He accused her.

“You know it’s not just that for me.” She finally looked at him, tears running down her cheeks, “You were my first time.”

Her voice was feeble, and JJ wanted to beat himself up.

“Why do you keep pushing me away?” She stood up.

He took another step back.

“It’s not like that for me and you know it.” His tone was stern now, “It’s not my fault you keep coming back to me, Y/N.”

JJ would never forget the look on her face.

“Right.” She nodded, head low as she surpassed him.

He watched the girl get on her car and leave, he could see her raise her hand to swipe the tears away before she was driving off.

That was the last time they’d seen each other, Y/N hadn’t been around the pogues since then.

She needed to remember the many times he had done this. He had broken her heart so many times she couldn’t let herself be a fool once again.

Y/N looked into his blue eyes one more time before shaking her head and turning away from him.

It caught him off guard. JJ expected her to shy away from the situation, to come back running to him.

This time was different.

'Cause he seems like he's good for you

And he makes you feel like you should

And all your friends say he's the one

His love for you is true

“It doesn’t bother you?” John B was speaking to him.

The blonde’s eyes were set on the couple sitting a few tables away from them at The Wreck.

The pogues had come in long after the two and found them already eating their food there. JJ didn’t expect Y/N to be still going out with the guy, so his heart missed a beat upon seeing his girl having a date with the idiot.

“He’s temporary.” He gave John B a smirk, although his friend could see the jealousy in his eyes.

“You’re so lame.” Kiara snorted, eyes on her food.

“Agreed.” Commented Pope.

“Just talk to her, bro.” The curly haired girl continued.

“About what?” JJ rolled his eyes.

The girl scoffed, not having the strength to put up with his act. She returned her attention to her food before Pope jokingly elbowed her and the blonde couldn’t help but wonder how good it must feel to be so effortlessly in love, without any problems and doubts in the way.

It didn’t help that Sarah and John B were also sitting in front of him, looking so in love it made him almost sick.

It wasn’t even ten minutes later that he heard a sweet voice by their table.

“Hey, guys.” Y/N was standing beside their table, a smile on her face as she tried avoiding JJ’s gaze. The douchebag was standing awkwardly behind her, waiting for the interaction to be over.

“Hey, Y/N/N.” Sarah grinned up at her, trying to fight off John B as he tried getting ketchup on her face.

The others greeted her too, everyone expect for JJ.

She had a disappointed look on her face as she listened to John B.

“We missed you today, think you’re gonna make it tonight?”

Y/N appreciated how the pogues didn’t mention the distance she had put between them and herself lately. They clearly knew about JJ and wanted to leave her be.

The blond was staring at the boy, so much that he was starting to be visibly uncomfortable. He scratched his neck under the scrutinizing gaze. Y/N noticed.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Me and Jake had planned this days ago.” She felt awkward, he could tell, “This is Jake, by the way.”

The others smiled at Jake, all but JJ, as expected. He just waved, a nervous smile on his face as he noticed.

“Jake, huh?” He finally spoke up, a slight smirk on his face, “Didn’t expect him to be your type, Y/N.” His eyes were finally on her as he blatantly ran them over her figure, especially focusing on the way the dress she was wearing accentuated her breasts.

“What do you mean?” Jake asked, an irritated expression on his face.

“She knows what I mean.” JJ’s eyes never looked away from Y/N’s.

Her cheeks brightened before she looked away.

She wanted to slap him. And then kiss him. But mostly slap that smirk off his face.

It wasn’t her fault he looked so handsome right now.

“Shut up, JJ.” She rolled her eyes, although he could see the way the pink lingered on her cheeks making her all flustered, “Bye, guys.”

She grabbed Jake’s arm and just like that they were gone.

He watched them leave before John B’s voice caught his attention.

“C’mon, man. You know I love you, but either you step up or leave her alone.”

“He seems like a good guy, JJ. I haven’t seen her so at peace for like, I don’t even know.” Kie scolded him, “You always do this, you don’t want her then you get all jealous and weird.”

JJ didn’t respond, instead their words about how Jake was making his girl feel resonating in his head. He thought about it; why was this thing lasting so long?

Was he really the guy for her? The good, well mannered wealthy guy?

But does he know you call me when he sleeps?

But does he know the pictures that you keep?

But does he know the reasons that you cry?

Or tell me, does he know where your heart lies?

Where it truly lies

It was one A.M. and JJ couldn’t sleep. He kept tossing around in his bed and the minute his eyes closed, visions and nightmares of his sweet girl moaning under another man clouded his mind.

What was happening to him? Why was he imagining her fucking the idiot?

He guessed it was his worst fear, her being taken away from him forever, someone else touching her.

He was just about to get up to get a glass of water when he heard his phone ring. He raised an eyebrow, wondering who the hell could it be this late at night.

He reached for the phone on his nightstand and he swore his heart missed a beat when her name flashed upon the screen.

“Y/N.” He answered, he couldn’t help but be worried about the reason she was calling this late when the two of them weren’t even on speaking terms. Had something happened?

“J.” She breathed, her voice a sweet whine.

Was she…?

“Y/N?” He repeated, a small sense of satisfaction beginning to grow in him. He could read her like an open book.

“I miss you,” She whispered, “I missed your voice.”

There she was. Coming back to him.

She always came back to him.

“Yeah?” He smirked, sitting up against the headboard.

“You know I miss you, come over?”

He felt his heart beat faster.

“You’re drunk, Y/N.” He answered.

He heard her sigh and shuffling around on the other side of the phone.

“I’ve just had a couple of drinks with the girls.” She sounded annoyed, her words slurred.

He was glad she was home safe.

“Don’t you miss me?” She countered, and JJ could hear her getting on the bed.

“You know I miss you, baby.” He gave her the truth, “But you’re drunk. You’re gonna regret this tomorrow. What about Jake?”

“As if you could care less about Jake.”

He chuckled, knowing it was the truth. He just wanted to speak some sense into her knowing she was drunk and not wanting to take advantage of her.

“You’re right, you know that?” He heard her humming in agreement, “But you’re still drunk. Are you tired, baby?”

“A bit.” She yawned, and he couldn’t help but feel his heart swell.

“Can you lay down and close your eyes for me?” He suggested, voice low and sweet and she was entranced by his voice.

“Hmm.”

“Did you close your eyes?”

“Yeah. I still wish you were here, though.” Y/N went on, her voice sleepy.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Yeah

You should be with him, I let you go from time

You should stay with him

Y/N had avoided the pogues like the plague. They hadn’t seen her in almost a week, Kie being especially disappointed in her best friend.

What she didn’t know was that she wasn’t avoiding them to be with some stupid boy, it was because she was embarrassed about her call to JJ.

But he knew this and, although he kept silent as not to expose her, the deep feeling of satisfaction was even bigger in him as he watched Y/N and Jake by his spot on a keg at the kegger.

Y/N had just arrived, she was on his arm but JJ could see she was nervous.

Her eyes were scanning the whole crowd, not sure how to approach her friends. She hoped the blonde hadn’t said anything to them but deep down she knew he hadn’t. She knew him.

She spotted Kiara having a conversation with some people she didn’t recognize and didn’t want to miss the opportunity. She wasn’t with the pogues and she had to talk to her.

She wanted to talk to Sarah too, but she guessed she was with John B where John B was, JJ was too.

“Hey, Jake.” She drew his attention, “I’m gonna head over there to say hi to Kiara. See you later, alright?”

He nodded, plastering a kiss on her cheek before the two parted and she was walking to her best friend.

“Hey.” She spoke up once she got there, “Can we talk?”

Kiara looked at her before a smile took over her face, “Look who decided to show her face.”

“Yeah, sorry.” She sheepishly countered, “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

The other girl nodded, saying her byes to the teens she had just been chatting with before grabbing her best friend’s hand and walking a few feet away from the group.

Then she stood, waiting for Y/N to speak up, “What’s up?”

Y/N looked around her to ensure none of the pogues were around. She had yet to see them.

“So…” She was so embarrassed, “I called JJ when we got back from the bar a week ago, I was drunk — but you know that, and asked him to come over.” She covered her face with her hands as she finished, not wanting to see the amused expression on Kie’s face.

She heard her laugh, “That’s why you’ve been avoiding us. You could’ve told me sooner.”

She removed her hands from her eyes, “I know but it was so embarrassing.”

Kiara chuckled, “God, Y/N, you’re such a simp.”

The girl’s cheek brightened, a laugh leaving her mouth. She knew it was true.

“What about Jake?” Her best friend asked.

Y/N just shrugged.

“Girl.” Kie deadpanned, ready to smack her friend.

“What am I supposed to do?” She sadly told her, “It’s not like JJ wants something to do with me. At least not anything serious. I love him but Jake is a good guy and he treats me well, don’t I deserve that?”

The curly haired girl sighed.

“Of course you do. But you may end up hurting him as long as JJ’s on your mind.”

Y/N knew she was right. She just wanted to forget about everything and not have to worry about anyone.

The two girls continued to chat and laugh while the night escalated.

JJ had watched a bit of the interaction just to be sure Kie wouldn’t lash out on Y/N. He knew she wouldn’t but the girl was unpredictable. He was glad when he saw them laughing together just a few minutes later and returned to his beer and his conversation with Pope and John B.

“Hey, guys, I’m gonna go get a refill.” JB announced after a while, his red cup empty in his hand.

“I’m coming too.” Pope got up with him.

“Be right back.” They told him.

He took a sip of his beer and just as his gaze was about to return on a certain girl, he heard a voice from beside him.

“Y/N told me about you two.”

It was Jake, and the blonde couldn’t help but chuckle. He had waited for him to be alone.

He was clearly intimidated by him and didn’t want him to have his friends as back up in case something had happened.

“That bothers you?” JJ looked up at him from his spot on the log, a small smirk on his face.

“Not at all.” His voice was tense, “I just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t get in the way.”

He was already beginning to piss him off and it was the second time he opened his mouth to talk to him. However, he tried maintaining his calm and laid his hands behind him on the log, gaze scrutinizing the other teen who was standing in front of him.

“Sounds to me like it does.” He just answered.

Jake’s jaw ticked.

“No offense, man, but how could it?” He looked JJ up and down, trying to take a dig at him.

JJ laughed humorlessly, it wasn’t certainly the money that made Y/N come back to him every single time.

“I don’t think that what she cares about.” JJ smiled up at the boy, a hint behind his eyes.

“What’s happening?” They heard a voice just as Jake was about to respond.

“Nothing.” He quickly spoke up.

“Just your boyfriend trying to make sure I won’t get in the way of your relationship.” JJ retorted, Y/N could hear the amusement in his voice, “Nothing I can guarantee though, big boy.”

Jake launched himself towards the boy, an angry expression on his face and hadn’t it been for Y/N, who promptly put herself between the two boys, he would’ve tackled JJ to the ground.

But she had, and now he stood up, a new found rage behind his eyes that intimidated even Y/N.

The girl knew about his anger issues, about all the times he’d been in fights. She knew about his dad and the way all JJ waited for was to unleash his anger in these kind of situations. He’d learned how to fight from the master himself; Jake didn’t stand a chance.

“You want to be the tough guy, yeah?” He smiled, it made chills go down the girl’s spine, “I’ll show you how though you are.”

“Stop. What the fuck, guys?” She exasperated, arms in the air.

“You tell your boyfriend to chill before I do it.” JJ snarled.

“Jake, are you out of your mind?” Y/N looked at the boy accusingly.

“Why are you taking his side?” He spit.

“Aren’t you the one who started this nonsense?” She raised an eyebrow.

The commotion was starting to draw attention, and JJ could soon spot Kie making her way over.

“Why are you taking his side?” Jake repeated, an offended look painting his angry features.

“It’s not about sides, Jake.” She crossed her arms, “It’s about you coming here and starting this shit. What the hell are you doing? He’s my friend.”

Jake scoffed, and even JJ was tempted to. But he stayed silent, glaring at the idiot from behind Y/N.

“Friend my ass.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, pushing a hand through her long locks.

“What’s going on?” Kie’s voice resonated in the air.

“Yeah, what’s going on?” John B and Pope were there too and Y/N just wanted to be home and away from everyone. Sarah, who’d been with some of her old friends from the kook academy until now, was there too now, her hand in John B’s.

“It’s me or him right now, Y/N.” Jake spoke up, completely ignoring the girl’s friends.

JJ chuckled, although he could feel the nerves starting to form. What if she left with him?

“Oh, so that’s what’s going on.” John B’s amused face was making Y/N want to smack him too.

“What?” There was an expression on disbelief on her face and JJ wondered how she didn’t see this coming. He was an idiot after all.

“You heard me.”

Y/N looked back and forth between the two of them, and she knew it was time she made a decision.

She knew where her heart laid. A golden boy with hair the color of the sun and eyes the color of the sky was who her heart would always belong to. She thought about his touch, his scent, his kisses. She thought about the way he would make her feel beautiful and loved. But then she thought about the way he would make her feel so worthless she had never felt so alone. She thought about the days she couldn’t get a hold of him, or the times he’d been with others and she’d wondered why he couldn’t love her.

It’s not like that for me and you know it. He’d said to her.

So she chose her mind. She chose the boy who’d been nice to her all along. He’d took her on dates and bought her flowers and although he didn’t make her heart beat faster she knew he was the one who made her warm and safe.

She made a step towards Jake and without ever looking back, she said her feeble byes to her friends and walked away.

JJ felt his heart shutter. He didn’t think it was possible up until then.

He looked at Jake and felt the rage swirling in his veins at the grin he was giving him. He thought about tackling him to the ground and beating him up but what would the point be? Y/N had made up her mind and she’d chosen him.

He watched them walk away before he turned around and stormed out of the beach.

He didn’t stop when his friends called out his name, nor when he heard Kie beg him to stop.

But what did he expect? He knew what he’d said to her that night. He knew.

As Y/N left the party in Jake’s car, all she could think about was how JJ hadn’t mentioned their call to the boy.

'Cause he seems like he's good for you

And he makes you feel like you should

And all your friends say he's the one

His love for you is true (hey)

Y/N felt suffocated in the tight dress she was wearing.

Smile and introduce yourself to everyone. Jake had told her and she did just that, wanting for this to be over.

It was Midsummer’s and he’d invited her to attend with him and his family. She guessed this would make things official.

She felt uncomfortable the whole time, this was not her habitat and everyone knew that.

Kie was there, too, forced by her parents, but Y/N didn’t find it in herself to find this of any comfort. That was how sad and lonely she felt these days.

It had been a week since the kegger and things weren’t great for her. She hated herself for this but she missed a certain blond and nothing could take him off her mind no matter what.

She’d seen Kie and Sarah two days ago but even her best friends hadn’t been able to cheer her up.

“I can’t fucking believe it.” She heard Jake growl from beside her.

“What?” She looked up.

She saw him looking at something in front of them and she followed his gaze and there, all the way across the room, was JJ, clad in a waiter’s uniform and serving drinks.

She couldn’t explain the way her heart reacted upon seeing him even if she wanted too. She felt alive for the first time in a week.

“Of course he’d be here too. The guy’s everywhere.”

“Stop.” She deadpanned, giving him a nasty look.

But when she returned her eyes to the boy, her heart made a leap when noticing those same eyes she’d been dreaming about all week, were looking right back at her. There was a strange emotion behind them, one she’d never seen before. She wanted to run over there and hug him and kiss him, but knew she couldn’t.

JJ, on the other hand, didn’t expect her to be there either. His heart felt like it was breaking even more upon seeing her there with him, but then he noticed her sad eyes and all he wanted to do was get to her and make everything that was hurting her go away.

The exchange of longing looks was quickly interrupted by Jake who hooked their arms and pulled her away to go meet yet another disgusting kook when his parents called him over.

She looked back at JJ while Jake dragged her away and her heart missed a beat when she noticed his eyes following her.

The night passed quickly, JJ couldn’t wait to get out of there and get wasted to forget the way she looked on his arm, with his family and dressed like one of them.

He guessed it was his own fault. He’d been the one to push her away, so why was he so angry? He’d seen the way Jake tended to Y/N all night, the way his attention was constantly on her. He behaved like a gentleman and he knew then why she’d chosen him.

He gave her everything he couldn’t.

Maybe it was for the best.

But does he know you call me when he sleeps? (No, no)

But does he know the pictures that you keep? (Oh)

But does he know the reasons that you cry?

Or tell me, does he know where your heart lies?

Where it truly lies

He didn’t know she’d be laying in her bed just hours laters, tears running down her cheeks. She felt so lonely, it was breaking her heart.

She had everything she wanted in a relationship so why was she feeling this way?

It was the pictures on her phone.

The one where JJ stood behind her, his arms around her frame and his head on hers.

The one where he kissed her cheek.

The one where they laid naked in bed, her arms around his neck.

The one where they smiled at the camera.

The one where they slept on the hammock entangled in each other that JB had taken.

Her favorite was one Kie had taken; it pictured them sitting on the couch, her legs thrown over JJ’s. She had stolen his cap and she was putting it on her head. The thing she loved was the adoring look he had on his face as she looked at her, a small smile on his lips.

There were so many she couldn’t even scroll through all of them because she felt her heart shutter at the thought of never having him this close again.

Right here with me, babe

Where it truly lies

My bed, babe

Where it truly lies

In my arms, babe

Where it truly lies

It was two days laters when Y/N decided she’d had enough. She’d been spending her days crying at home, avoiding Jake and never answering his massages nor his calls.

She missed her friends and wanted to bask in the comfort of their presence and this was the only thought in her mind when she showed up that night at the Chateau after meeting up with Jake to end things. He hadn’t taken it very well.

“Look who’s here!” John B had announced.

Seconds later she was engulfed by the comforting embrace of Sarah. She’d almost tackled her to the ground with her hug but Y/N didn’t mind, the familiar touch and perfume of the bubbly blonde almost enough to make her cry again.

She said hi to everyone before she sat down by the fire with them.

She couldn’t help but notice the absence of JJ, and although she was a little disappointed she thought it was better this way; she actually felt relieved.

She was grateful when none of her friends asked her invading questions. They just let her be and enjoyed her presence again, making her feel part of the group again immediately.

She tried keeping up with the conversations and jokes but her mind was very tired. She hadn’t slept in days and now that she felt this much comfort again she just wanted to lay down and rest.

“Hey, John B.” She called for his attention, her voice sweet as always, “Do you think— do you think JJ would mind if I used his bedroom just for a bit? I haven’t slept in days and I feel really tired.”

Sarah threw her a sympathetic look from beside JB, who answered immediately, “Yeah, go ahead. I haven’t seen him all day, I don’t think he’s gonna show up tonight.”

She felt content and at peace in the Chateau. The pogues were her family and she couldn’t love them more. She smell of JJ’s cheap cologne surrounded her and relaxed her whole being. It didn’t surprise when she felt sleep embrace her.

That was until she felt a familiar bike approaching the house before pulling up.

She felt panic rise in her chest as she sat up. Her heartbeat accelerated. What would she say to him?

Too late, the bike had already stopped and minutes later, she felt the door of the Chateau open. She guessed the others told him she was in there.

She scrambled to get up in time and made her way to the door, opening it.

There stood JJ, his hand raised to open it too.

She took a step back, redness exploding on her cheeks and she started stuttering.

“Uh, sorry— sorry J. JB told be you probably wouldn’t be here tonight and I was just trying to sleep but I heard your bike.” She rushed, “I’ll go.”

She tried making her way past him but he grabbed her arm. She shuddered under his familiar touch.

“It’s fine, you can stay. I’ll sleep on the couch.” His eyes never looked away from hers, making her all the more a blushing mess.

“Okay, thanks.” She agreed without even thinking.

What?

They stood there, looking at each other. So much was on their minds they wanted to say, but neither spoke up.

“Okay then, goodnight.” She ended the awkward moment.

Y/N tossed around the bed all night. The thought of his presence just mere meters from her made her heart go crazy. She craved his touch, his presence. But she couldn’t so instead she resoluted to turning around every now and then in hope of sleep engulfing her again.

At four A.M., she decided to get up and get something to drink. JJ would surely be asleep by now.

Her feet carried her to the kitchen lightly.

Her heart jumped to her stomach when she noticed the light of a phone where the couch was. JJ was awake and scrolling through his phone. His raised his eyes from the phone to look at her when he noticed her presence, a surprised look merely taking over his features.

“Oh.” She mumbled, “Sorry, just wanted a glass of water.”

He watched her as she opened the refrigerator and poured herself some water, then quickly drank it. It looked to him as if she wanted to be gone as soon as possible.

“C’mere, Y/N.” She suddenly heard his voice just as she was about to walk back to JJ’s room.

“What?” She whispered, heart thumping against her ribcage.

“Come here.”

She did. She didn’t know why, but she had stopped questioning herself around JJ. It was as if his mere presence made her drunk, her mind never properly working.

She stood in front of him, hands fidgeting at her sides.

JJ grabbed one of them, pulling her towards him. He dragged her down on him until she was straddling him, she gasped as her hands came up to his shoulders for support after the sudden movement.

“What are you doing, JJ?” She asked, panic in her voice.

“I miss us, Y/N.” He simply said, making her heart stop beating.

How could he say something like that so easily?

She wanted to slap him.

“We can’t.”

“I say we can.” He whispered as he got closer, lips millimeters from hers.

She lowered her hands, now pushing back against his chest. He sighed, sitting down against the couch and looking up at her. There was a longing look behind his eyes.

“I can’t.” She repeated, this time making herself very clear.

It was as if Y/N had just thrown a bucket of cold water on him, he looked as if he had sobered up.

“Jake’s an idiot.” He whispered, even the mention of his name irritating him.

“He’s not. He does everything a boyfriend is supposed to.”

He scoffed.

“That’s the only reason you like him for?”

She tried thinking of anything else, but she ended up lying to herself over and over again, for every reason she came up with. Was that really the only thing he liked him for?

Sure, he was a good looking guy, but that wasn’t a reason. He was nice, but a lot of people were. He treated her well. There we go again.

“I deserve to be happy, JJ.” She sadly said.

He knew she was referring to him, his hands itched to grab her, to comfort her.

“I know you do, Y/N/N.” He said.

“Then what is it that you want?” She angrily asked, her hands pushing him again.

Suddenly she was angry, not understanding why he couldn’t let her be. Why he couldn’t let her be happy.

She knew that if she really stopped to think about it, she would have realized what she was feeling now, with Jake, was far from happiness, but nonetheless she took out her anger on him.

And JJ, who couldn’t help but feel like an idiot, couldn’t really answer her question.

What do I want?

“Y/N I-“ She was already getting up to leave when he couldn’t even finish the sentence.

JJ didn’t let her leave this time.

He’d done that again and again, and every time he’d hurt himself and Y/N. He wouldn’t let her go this time.

He grabbed her hips and pulled her down again; she began pushing at him nonstop, fighting the willing to cry.

He could see her eyes getting watery, her lips trembling and she fought against him.

“I want us, Y/N.” He finally told her, grabbing her face with his hands.

Y/N stopped writhing, a few tears cascading down her cheeks. His hands were resting on each side of her face, a thumb wiping them away.

“Stop fooling around, J.”

But he could see the hopeful glint behind her emotional eyes, he could see the way she’d stopped breathing, waiting for him to go on.

He felt his heart hurt a little less knowing she was still waiting for him. Knowing she still wanted him.

“I’m not.” He promised, “I want you, Y/N.”

One of his hands left her face, coming down to rest on her hip. The other continued to caress her cheek as she subconsciously leaned into his comforting touch.

“I can’t do this again, J.” She brokenly whispered, afraid it would be like every other time.

“No, no.” He reassured her, “I mean it this time, baby. I’m serious about me. I’m yours, if you still want me.”

Y/N felt her heart beating so hard against her ribcage she feared he would hear it, too. It felt like some kind of dream.

She’d been in love with this boy for so many years, for so much time that she didn’t think it was possible for him to finally reciprocate her feelings for him.

What she didn’t know, was that he had all along. JJ was just— JJ. He was afraid, and these kind of things were never his forte. He was afraid she would leave like everyone else and he’d get his heart broken, had he ever let her in. So instead he just pushed her away. Time after time.

“What are you saying, J?” Her hands came up to his shoulders again, shaking slightly.

“I’m saying I’m ready, Y/N.” He pushed a strand of hair away from her beautiful face, “No more running away from my feelings, no more denying.”

She just stared at him, too entranced by the whole situation and his words. Her eyes held that adoring look that he loved, making him feel some type of way.

“What do you say?” He asked her.

“I don’t want this to be just because of Jake.” She told him.

He heard the sadness in her voice and saw the fear behind her eyes.

“It’s not that, baby.” He went on, “Seeing you with him just made me realize things. I know you feel nothing for him and I certainly know he doesn’t mean anything to you, alright? But it made realize I can’t stand here and let you go just because I’m so afraid of my feelings. I can’t imagine myself feeling these things for anyone else, Y/N. And I don’t want to push it away any longer.”

Her smile made his heartbeat stutter, and it suddenly felt happy again.

“I’m yours, JJ.”

And then he kissed her.

And it was something Y/N could never describe. She felt happiness again, she felt home.

His arms circled her waist bringing her closer to him. They kissed until the two of them couldn’t breathe, and then they kissed again. And again.

She moaned into his mouth when she felt him underneath her. She moved her hips against his and he groaned, suddenly standing up and carrying her to his bedroom.

She laughed, securing her arms around his neck. He continued kissing her neck until they were in the bedroom, kicking the door shut and gently throwing her in the bedroom.

Chuckling, she got ahold of his t-shirt and dragged him down with her. Her hands found his shorts in a matter of seconds, bringing them down his legs as he too undressed her.

“I missed this body.” He whispered against her skin, lips trailing down her stomach.

Y/N didn’t remember how they were suddenly naked, she could however remember the feeling of his lips gracing her, his fingers tracing her thighs.

“Tell me you didn’t let him touch you.”

“I didn’t.” She shook her head, eager for his touch, “I promise.”

It sounded like a beg, and Y/N didn’t miss the way he smirked before his fingers were inside her.

Her back arched, a moan leaving her own mouth as she squeezed the sheets between her fingers.

“J.” She whined when his tongue joined his fingers.

He worked like a God, and Y/N had missed him. She missed the way he could make her feel and although she didn’t have anyone else to compare him to, she knew he was the best she could ever have and the voices about him on the island confirmed it.

His touch was driving her crazy, moans escaping her as her hips bucked up to meet him.

“So sweet.” He mumbled against her.

He added another finger making her tremble, she was completely at his mercy.

And then, between the pleasure and his touch, Y/N had started to become needier.

She whined, coming up to rest on her elbows, “I need you, J.”

JJ thought he’d die right then and there.

He looked up at her, that smirk of him gracing his features. Her hand came down to meet his face as she encouraged him to come back up. He did, leaving a last kiss on her and making her shudder before meeting her lips again. She could taste herself on him.

“Please.”

It was all it took for JJ to stop teasing her.

She felt his member at her entrance, chills running down her spine as she arched her spine from that pleasure alone.

His hand was on her cheek as he pushed inside of her, his mouth immediately opening in pleasure and a groan leaving his lips. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Y/N closed her eyes as a gasp left her; they hadn’t been together for some time and she was having a bit of difficulty readjusting to his size, the slight burn hurting her. It was a good hurt.

“I know, baby.” He kissed her, “Haven’t been taking good care of you lately, have I?”

She raised her head slightly to kiss him again, needing the comfort. Her hands found his cheeks as the kiss deepened, his pace fastening causing whimpers to fall from her lips between the kisses.

“I know you can take it.” He prodded her.

She nodded, moaning when the pain slowly started to melt into pleasure.

“I can take it, J.” She gave in to him, her legs finding her way around his waist and bringing him closer.

His thrusts became faster and harder as time passed, sweet nothings whispered into each other’s ears.

It was the most intense feeling Y/N had ever experienced, being with JJ.

Again, she’d never been with guys before him, but she knew it couldn’t have been like this for everyone — sex with JJ felt like daydreaming. She couldn't put it into words. It wasn't just physical; it felt as if their whole beings, bodies and souls became one.

And this time felt so much more intimate, loving, and as thought the two of them were meant to be together. And Y/N was sure they were.

She moaned a bit too loudly when he hit a particular spot, pleasure exploding in her lower stomach as he repeatedly thrusted inside of her. Her nails left marks on his back, her arms now around his neck as she stifled the sounds she was making by biting down on his shoulder. JJ moaned, one of his hands coming down her back to lift her up against him as she arched her spine.

“I missed you.” He kissed her neck, “Mine.”

Then she was pushing her hands against his chest and made him sit down on the bed, coming up so straddle his waist. Her hand wrapped around his cock, giving it a few pumps before lining it up with her entrance and then sinking down on it.

She sat down completely on his member and JJ threw his head back in pleasure, his jaw tense as his hands found her waist, squeezing the flesh.

“You look like a Goddess.” He groaned out as she began moving up and down on him, hands on his shoulders.

Her pace fastened, hips coming down to meet his waist in hard motions. Y/N felt she was close.

“God, JJ.” She cried, her movements becoming sloppier as she came closer.

She loved the sounds he was making, loved the way his eyes were shut in pure bliss and his abs were tense in please.

“You take me so good, baby.” He told her, “I’m gonna cum.”

“I want it inside, J.” She whispered in his ear, “I want you to come inside of me.”

It was enough for JJ to cum, his high triggering her own.

She placed open mouthed kisses on his chest as she came down.

“Fuck.” She panted.

One of her hands came up to her face, her thumb caressing his skin as he brought her closer to him, eyes never leaving her.

“I love you, Y/N.”

And it was that night, their bodies tangled together in his sheets that JJ understood that no matter what happened, her heart would always lay with him.

Taglist: @soapiebear @70smaybank @maybankslover @myguiltypleasures21 @chaoticavrey

2K notes · View notes

maybaenk · 2 years ago

Text

Dirty Hot Pogue Masterlist

He’s a Pogue. You’re a Kook. What could go wrong?

Warnings: this includes mostly smut - protected and unprotected. Cheating. Jealousy. Insecurities. Drugs. Alcohol. Violence. Obsessive behavior. Mental health. Angst.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Mood board by the lovely and talented @haven247 💕

694 notes · View notes

maybaenk · 2 years ago

Text

OBX3 SPOILERS

the fact that JJ pushed Kie aways because he couldn’t believe someone loves him and that he deserves it is everything we ever dreamed of and wrote about and my heart is just exploding

#obx3 #jj maybank #jiara #kiara carrera

23 notes · View notes

maybaenk · 2 years ago

Text

fr tho why is everything smut😭😭 i wanna read angst that would ruin me, make me sick to my stomach and cry like there's no tomorrow bro i want a fanfic that is so devastating that i won't be able to function for the next few months

11K notes · View notes

maybaenk · 2 years ago

Text

Thank you for this.🤍

Aftermath

Summary: In which JJ is the only one who can ease the pain.

Pairing: JJ Maybank x reader

Warnings: SA, mentions of SA, mentions of ED, cursing

NA: this story is about the reader dealing with the aftermath of a SA so be careful before reading. Also if you’ve been through this, please speak up to your loved ones. My dm’s are always open if anyone needs to talk.

This is very personal to me, it hits home, so please do not judge. Just scroll.

————

JJ Maybank had never been one to be silent.

He would constantly be telling stories, cracking jokes and teasing people. His voice would often be loud and he would sweet talk his way into just about anything, his way of speaking just captivating. He was the kind of person to lighten up an entire room as soon as he’d walk in, everything about him enthralling.

That’s why, upon noticing him grow quiet one Friday afternoon at The Wreck, the pogues immediately knew something was off with him. They silently decided to let him be, although they quickly grew worried over what was happening to him. They brushed it off as him being mad at something his shitty father had done, that usually being the reason of his bad mood.

However, Kie had noticed the way his eyes would linger on you. You were sitting, quietly, in front of JJ. She observed from her spot next to him as his eyes would frequently flicker to your frame. You were playing around with your food, not really hungry it seemed, as your mind wandered to what seemed to be a world of your own.

She sighed, eyes softening upon seeing her best friend look so off. You’d been distancing yourself from them for the past days, and she remembered how JJ had told them he thought it was weird you’d suddenly grown sick the day after the kegger that took place five days ago. That’s what you’d told them, you’d been sick and would stay in bed until you’d be better. JJ had told them he was worried when the fifth day had passed and you still hadn’t reached out but didn’t want to invade your personal space.

This was the first day you’d shown up since then.

Kie asked herself how she couldn’t have understood immediately JJ was acting this weird because of you.

She sighed, returning to her conversation with the boys and thinking of ways of approaching you later to ask what was wrong.

JJ’s eyes, however, never strayed from you. He watched you pick at your food with your fork and he furrowed his eyebrows; you loved fries.

“Hey.” He softly spoke up.

You didn’t answer, didn’t even seem to have heard him. His leg nudged yours under the table.

Your eyes snapped to his, for the first time today, and he was taken aback by the void dullness in them.

“You okay, baby?”

If this had been any other time, you would have blushed at the nickname he’d often use for you. He was your best friend in the whole world, your golden boy, and yet you couldn’t deny your feelings for him. Sometimes you’d wonder if he felt the same.

But this wasn’t any other time. Something had happened to you, and you couldn’t let him find out. So you put on the best fake smile you could before answering.

“Yeah, sorry. Just tired.” You replied, eyes averting from his own in hope he wouldn’t see right through your lie. He always seemed to.

JJ saw the way your smile didn’t reach your eyes. His frown deepened when he saw the sad look you were trying to hide behind them and he shook it off. You were already starting to zone out again.

“You not hungry?” He inquired, choosing not to say anything about your evident lie.

You shook your head lazily, placing your chin on your hand as you returned your eyes to him, then to your plate.

“You never say no to fries.” He spoke, and before you could think of another lie as to why you weren’t hungry, he did again, “C’mon, bub, you have to eat some.”

Your heart swelled at his sweet tone, but you couldn’t bring yourself to smile. Nor to answer.

You looked at him when you heard him move and saw him pick up a single fry, holding it up for you to bite. He gave you the best puppy eyes he could, and your heart quickened at the look he was giving you, and you would do anything to make him happy.

“Just one.” He pleaded, smiling at you, “For me?”

You sighed, finally cracking a smile at how cute JJ Maybank was. You could never say no to him. His grin widened when he saw you smile for the first time today and he brought the fry closer to your mouth.

“Fine.”

You bit it, gently taking it from his hand. You chewed slowly, really, really not in the mood for eating.

“There you go.” He praised you once you were finished, “One more?”

————

Your friends took off to the Chateau, of course asking you if you’d be crashing there. They’d tried convincing you with the promise of a bonfire and a lot of beer.

Any other day, that would’ve done it. But this wasn’t any other day, so you’d gently reclined, telling them you were still feeling a little off. They’d eventually given up, telling you if you had changed your mind, that’s where you’d find them.

JJ had offered to walk you home, but you’d told him your mom was on your way to pick you up. A total lie, but he didn’t need to know. Of course, being the gentleman he was, he’d told you he’d wait for you but you’d insisted on him going with the others so he wouldn’t have had to lose his ride to the Chateau. He’d reluctantly agreed before taking off, too.

You’d walked the whole walk home in silence, trying to find peace within it.

The water now cascading on your skin did nothing to help you with the uneasy discomfort you felt in your whole body. This was the third shower of the day, and it was doing little to nothing to help you soothe that feeling. You scrubbed at your skin, too hard. You scrubbed every inch of your body, washing it again and again. Your skin became red when you scrubbed too hard in the places he’d touched the most.

You tried shaking the thought out of your mind.

Stop thinking about it.

You shuddered, a memory of the feeling of his hands grabbing your legs suddenly flashing through your mind.

It wasn’t long before you were sitting on the shower floor, knees brought to your chest with your arms around them.

You sobbed quietly, shaking, the hot water falling on you and burning your skin. You wanted to forget the feeling, you wanted to forget it all. The steamy water was nothing compared to it.

————

You’d ditched them again that night. This time you’d told them your mom needed your help with something.

You sure everything’s okay? JJ had texted you.

Please, God, don’t let him find out.

You hadn’t replied.

You were in your bed, knees to your chest as you laid on your side in one of JJ’s t-shirts he’d leave over when he’d sleep here.

You’d hoped JJ’s scent and the feeling of being in his shirt — it always comforted you, would make you forget about what had happened. About him.

You found yourself wishing to be with him right now, craving his touch.

You soon realized you needed to be in his arms, you needed nothing more than his comfort right now. The only comfort you could have.

You needed him now more than ever.

You grabbed your phone.

I need you

You hoped he would see the message, not feeling like calling him. You knew he’d leave his phone laying around the Chateau when crashing there.

You didn’t know JJ had kept his phone with him the whole time, hoping you’d answer his text or to have some news.

He answered just a minute later.

Are you home?

Yes

Leaving now

Twenty minutes later his last text you heard a knock on your window. He chose not to ring on your doorbell, assuming your mom would be home since you’d told them she’d needed your help, not knowing if you wanted her to know he’d be over.

A little startled, you looked up to see JJ standing there. You sighed in relief before getting up to open the window for him.

“You could’ve come in by the door.”

“Thought your mom was home. Didn’t know if you wanted her to know I was here.” He explained, climbing over the window edge.

You felt panic rise in your stomach, before you had to tell yourself he wouldn’t think much of it.

“She left a while ago.” You quietly told him, deciding to leave the window open, the summer breeze light on your skin, “And you know she doesn’t mind.”

JJ wanted to tell you about how he thought you didn’t want her to know because maybe, just maybe, you didn’t want her to know something was wrong with you. You didn’t usually go and talk to your mother about your problems, not wanting to burden the poor woman, already too much on her hands. JJ knew that.

But he decided to change the topic because you yet had to admit to him something was wrong. He was hoping you’d tell him tonight, given the fact you’d told him you needed him.

He got closer to you.

“What did you need me for, Y/N/N?” He gently asked you, his voice so sweet you thought this boy would be the death of you.

You shrugged, eyes tired. You grabbed his hand and pulled him to your bed.

“Just needed you here with me.” His eyes softened.

He couldn’t even be disappointed at you for not telling him the truth, you looked so tired and sad it was starting to pain him.

“Okay, baby.” He whispered, hand coming up to place a strand of hair behind your ear, then resting on your cheek, “Just let me change and then we can cuddle and watch a movie or something, yeah? How’s that sound?”

You smiled feebly, feeling the urge to burst out crying. You pushed your emotions back, nodding at him.

“Yeah? Okay, I’ll be a minute.”

JJ was quick to grab one of his sweat shorts from your closet, changing into that and removing his t-shirt. He placed it on your dresser before taking off his shoes and plopping down on the bed with you.

He adjusted himself on the pillows before tugging you to him. You laid down on your side, resting your head on his chest and your arm around his torso. His arms was around you as he pulled you closer.

“That’s better. Now, what do we wanna watch?” He asked, picking up the remote control on your nightstand.

You let him pick the movie, loving to hear him rent about the new sequel of an action movie he was dying to see once it came out. He settled for the first movie, telling you you just had to see it so you could watch the second one with him.

You smiled into his chest, comfortably nestling into his arms. You didn’t really care about movies right now, just his presence, but you loved listening to what he was saying. You always did.

You were the only one out of his friends who actually enjoyed listening to his bullshit. It made his heart warm.

The movie started playing, and it was a few minutes in that you spoke up.

“Thank you, J.” Your voice was low.

“For what?”

“For being here with me. I’m sorry if I forced you here, I know you’d have more fun at the bonfire.”

You felt him pulling you impossibly closer.

“Don’t say that, you know I’d rather be with you.” He replied, making butterflies flutter in your stomach.

You sighed, nuzzling further into him.

He was easing the pain.

You thought the conversation was over when you heard his voice again.

“I know something’s wrong. It’ okay, you don’t have to tell me right now. I’ll be waiting.” He whispered.

You didn’t know how you managed to keep the tears at bay this time. You held on to him tighter as you silently wished for it all to stop.

————

It had been a week and a half since that day. The Outer Banks’ summer breeze swept through your hair and gently caressed your skin as you sat on the HMS Pogue, silently looking out at the water.

This was the first time your friends had managed to convince you in coming with them on one of your ritual days on the Pogue. You relished in the feeling of comfort being here with them brought you, momentarily stranding your mind away from what tormented it. JJ had been by your side all this time, giving you your space but nonetheless providing you the comfort of his touch and presence whenever you needed him. He’d been so careful with you your love for the boy had become unbearable.

You flinched when you felt a hand on your thigh, quickly calming down when you turned your head to see JJ. He looked concerned at your sudden movement.

“Sorry.” You quietly said, your hand reaching down to touch his fingers on your skin.

A frown was on his face, but he didn’t let it sit there for long before he changed the subject.

“You wanna swim?” He asked, carefully.

You let your eyes roam around the boat, shamefully noticing it had been stopped at your usual spot and everyone had long dipped in. Your thoughts had distracted you from reality.

“Oh.” You let out, masking the surprised tone in your low voice, “I don’t really feel like it today. But you go ahead.”

JJ’s eyes stayed on you, eyes scanning your face. He gave you a small pout.

“Come on, a little dip.” He gave you that pleading look that always made you give in, “It’s really hot today, you’re gonna burn yourself.”

You sighed, already knowing putting up a fight wouldn’t be no use. With a little nod, you sighed softly before following him in standing up when he took your hand.

“Can’t have my princess all burned now, can I?” He grinned, happy you’d agreed.

He let your hand go when you needed to remove your clothes. You slipped out your shorts before removing your t-shirt.

JJ’s frown returned when he took in all the weight you’d lost. He took you in carefully, his eyes noting the way your ribs were starting to lightly show and the way your thighs did no longer touch each other.

“I’m ready.” You told him, averting your eyes from his scrutinizing gaze.

“Y/N…” He started, voice unsure.

He was worried now.

“Let’s go.” You interrupted him and pulled him away by his hand.

The water was cold against your skin, the refreshing sensation making you almost hum tu yourself.

With a little push from JJ, you timidly joined the others who were currently floating and joking around. Sarah and Kie were splashing each other when you swam towards them.

John B immediately lightened up at your presence, smiling softly at you.

You couldn’t help but feel disappointed when you felt your mind slowly begin to drift away as soon as they brought up a topic you didn’t really care about. Normally, you would have. You cared about everything your friends said.

The cold water was starting to make you shiver. You were starting to feel lightheaded, the contrast between the hot sun burning on your already hot skin and the water that minutes ago had seemed so refreshing was now starting to bother you. Your head felt hot and throbbing. You sighed as you started to feel dizziness fog up your mind.

“You okay, Y/N/N?” Kie’s voice brought you out of your daze and you looked up to see them all staring at you, worried looks painted on their faces.

“Yeah, you’re looking a bit pale right now.” Pope stated, eyebrows furrowed and a concerned expression on him.

JJ was immediately by your side, hands coming up to grab your hips and hold you against him.

In the suddenly confused state you were in, you remembered feeling relief just by his touch.

“Hey, hey, what’s happening, baby?” JJ rushed as your body slumped against his.

Black dots started to blurry your vision, and you shuddered against your best friend.

“I’m not-“ you started, “I think I’m going to faint.”

“Fuck, JB help me out here, man.” He frantically began, voice panicked as John B immediately swam to you.

They helped you back on the boat and you didn’t remember anything but the hot sun beating down on your skin, your head felt burning and your heart racing.

“Shit, don’t faint on me, baby. Come on.” All you heard in your semi-unconscious state was his voice.

They made you lay down on a towel messily laid on the floor where there was a bit of shade. Kiara grabbed the cooler and got you water as fast as she could, throwing the bottle to JJ.

“Lift her head up, JB.” He instructed briefly before helping you drink it.

You couldn’t really understand what was going on. Everything felt hazy, you tried waking up but you could feel sleep luring you into unconsciousness.

When you woke up a few moments later, a cold bottle of water was placed on your neck and JJ’s eyes were the first thing you saw.

“There she is.” His shuttered voice breathed out in relief.

You could hear the pogues muttering grateful words.

The concerned look in them, the desperation, almost made you cry and you wanted to apologize for making them worry but you couldn’t. You still felt a little dizzy.

“Come on, baby, let’s get you up so you can drink some more.” He placed a hand behind your back to help you up, then placed himself behind you so you could rest against his chest and between his legs.

“Feel any better, Y/N/N?” John B hopefully asked.

“A little.” Your voice felt hoarse, your head still a little dizzy.

You could fill the unspoken questions lingering in the air, the hesitant looks. They were debating whether or not to finally speak up, to finally demand to know what the hell had been going on, why you were suddenly so skinny and why you were acting so distant. You hoped they wouldn’t ask.

And they didn’t. Maybe they thought it was a conversation JJ should have had with you.

As the boat moved to shore, you became painfully aware of the swinging of the boat. You thought you’d be throwing up had you had food in your system. You were kind of grateful for that.

The rest of the ride home you didn’t remember very much. You still felt fuzzy, your mind fogged. You could hear the pogues worrying around you and offering water to you but the only thing that mattered was JJ’s touch on you. You were pressed up against his chest, safe in the protective embrace of his strong arms.

JJ carried you inside the Chateau as soon as the boat stopped at the dock, not even waiting to help. He placed you softly on his bed, the one in the guest room that was now practically his. You whined playfully at the loss of contact, reaching your arms out for him. He didn’t seem as amused.

“When is the last time you’ve eaten anything?” His blue gaze suddenly felt cold on you, he sounded angry.

You looked away, eyes immediately filling with tears. It wasn’t often that he was mad at you, and you hated it.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was low, trembling.

When you’d gathered the courage, your eyes found him again. His expression had softened, realizing he’d been approaching this the wrong way.

He sighed, hands coming up to cover his face.

“I’m gonna make you a sandwich or something, and you’re gonna eat it for me, okay?”

You relished in the familiar sound of his sweet tone, you couldn’t take him being mad at you.

Without even thinking, you nodded.

He disappeared, leaving you alone. Maybe it was time to open up. Maybe you had been hurting him and the rest of your friends for too long now. He deserved to know.

When he came back, you let him help you eat the sandwich. He sat beside you and encouraged every single bite, his voice honey as he helped you. You didn’t want to, you weren’t hungry; the bread felt disgusting in your mouth and you hadn’t eaten in so long you couldn’t even get past half of it.

But you did, because he was looking at you with this pleading look in his eyes and JJ Maybank was your weakness.

“There we go. All finished.” He happily praised you, a lingering kiss on your forehead.

You gave him a small smile, the best one you could master.

“I need to shower.” You told him.

You surprised yourself by not wanting to be left alone, by wishing he could come with you. Would it freak him out if you asked him to come with you?

“That’s fine.” He whispered.

When you got up to leave, he spoke again.

“I wish you’d tell me what’s going on with you.” His voice was strained, and when you turned back to look at him again where he was sitting on his bed, his head was in his hands.

You felt your heart shutter, pain immediately blossoming in your chest at the sight of the boy you loved pleading, begging you to just tell him why you had let yourself fall apart. To let him in. To let him help you.

It really was time to tell him.

You sighed, walking back to the bed.

When you sat down your hands began trembling. You didn’t look at him, you looked forward into nothingness. You could feel his gaze on you now.

How did one approach this? How did one get this kind of thing out? You spent what felt like minutes trying to get the courage to speak up, to say something.

And JJ waited. He sat silently, waiting for you to be ready.

It was only when his hesitant fingers touched your hand that you found the courage hand that you spoke up.

“It was that kegger.” You started, voice feeble, “It was like — like, two weeks ago.”

“What about the kegger?” You could hear the confusion in his voice.

“I don’t know if you remember that touron that flirted with me all night, the one I left with.”

A pause.

JJ was starting to get it, a terrible feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

“What did he do?” His voice was stoic, hard. You felt your hands tremble.

It wasn’t unusual for you or him or any other of the pogues to leave with someone, to hook up with someone met at a party. You’d always told him you’d never went further than making out. Just once had you went third base with a guy, someone you’d been seeing for a few months at the time. (Of course, being in love with him, you’d always hoped JJ would be your first time, and so you’d been waiting for him. Even if you knew he certainly wasn’t a virgin himself.)

So It wasn’t anything new for you to maybe leave with someone, but what had him dreading your next words was that he’d already started connecting the dots. You’d been miserable for weeks and it had something to do with this guy. JJ didn’t think of himself as smart, but he also didn’t think it would take a genius to figure it out.

“He—“ how could you go on? How could you shutter his heart? “JJ I can’t…”

You felt your eyes beginning to sting, the burning anticipation of tears. You exhaled deeply, trying to look at him. You weren’t strong enough.

His hands found your face, gently forcing you to look at him. His eyes were begging you, an angry and desperate storm simmering behind the blue ocean.

You let go then, completely crumbling beneath his touch, his hold. A broken sob left your lips as the tears cascaded in an endless flow on your cheeks.

JJ shut his eyes, looking like he was straining himself, like it physically pained him to see you like this. He took a deep breath, his gaze found yours once again and this time his eyes were watering.

“Did—“ he stuttered, his voice completely broken, “Did he touch you?”

You knew he meant raped, but he didn’t want to trigger you even more. You knew he knew now the boy had taken you against your will, had taken the very thing you’d saved for someone special in a brutal, scarring way you would never forget. You knew he’d ruined you forever.

You found the will to nod softly.

His hands suddenly left your face, the absence of his touch leaving you feeling cold and alone. You sobbed, again, as you watched him storm out of the room. You tried following him, calming him down, but how could you when you didn’t have enough strength for yourself?

You placed your hands on your ears when the yelling and shuttering of glass reached you. Despite this, you could still hear the rumbling of objects being thrown and the voices of the pogues now intervening. You could vaguely make out Kie’s voice trying to calm him down and John B screaming at him to tell him what happened.

You don’t know how you found yourself curled up in the corner of the room, knees to your chest and hands still covering your ears. Your eyes were shut as your chest heaved uncontrollably as you fought the panic attack you felt coming.

Then, silence.

A shattered sob. Someone crying.

JJ.

You didn’t know how much time had passed before you felt the touch of someone on your hands, prying them away.

“Hey, hey, it’s me.”

Kie crouched down before you, her eyes glossy and lips trembling as she reached her arms out to you.

She knew. Everyone knew now.

“I’m sorry.” She cried and you found yourself engulfed in her embrace, her arms around your body and your head buried in her neck.

You couldn’t breathe, you felt the anxiety and the panic swallowing you as you fought to stop the sobbing.

“JJ.” You hoarsely let out between broken cries.

“Okay, okay, babe, calm down.” She whispered to you, standing back to hold your face in her hands, “Try to breathe for me, he’ll be here in a minute, okay?”

She turned around quickly, and only then did you notice Sarah standing in doorway. Her hand was on her mouth as she silently cried, too shocked to do anything.

“Sarah, please get JJ here.” She pleaded, her voice as serious as ever.

The blonde was gone in mere seconds, disappearing in the hallway to supposedly retrieve her friend.

You needed him, and hoped he’d find the strength to be there for you. You hoped he’d be there to hold you.

“Breathe for me, okay?” Kiara’s eyes found yours and you felt your heart warm at the worry you saw in them.

Your friends cared for you so much, and yet here you were making them cry.

You nodded, just for her sake but really couldn’t.

“I love you.” You sobbed out and reached your hands out to hold her hands, still trying to breathe.

She inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to show you how to do it. Tears flowed down her cheeks at your sweet words, and Kiara had never felt so guilty in her whole seventeen years. How could she have been so blind? It was so clear something had been wrong with you, yet she’d never pushed it as not to overstep any boundaries you had put between yourself and the pogues lately. She just though you needed your time.

“I love you too, Y/N/N.” She sniffed, her hands finding their way around your shoulders again in a desperate attempt to hold you to her, to protect you. It was too late, she’d been a shitty friend, she felt it was her fault.

“Kiara.” Sarah’s worried voice sounded from behind her.

Kiara backed away to look at her blonde friend, her eyebrows furrowed at the concerned tone in her voice. Something was wrong.

“JJ’s gone.”

You don’t know how you recovered from the sinking feeling in your chest and the panic attack that sentence triggered, you don’t remember how long it took them to calm you down, how long they’d tried helping you breathe for. At one point, Sarah had been so scared she’d proposed calling an ambulance. But then you’d grown so tired, slumping against Kie’s chest as she softly ran a hand down your back, silently thanking God. You just remembered them laying you down on the bed, each of them on either side of you as they held you close in their familiar, comforting embrace. The last thing you remembered was the thought of JJ in your mind.

JJ.

Even in your sleep you could swear it was his scent that was engulfing you. You could vaguely sense his strong arms around you as you stirred awake.

You opened your eyes, and you could feel how swollen they were. They were probably red, too.

And there he was. You’d been right.

You don’t know when, but he’d moved you so you were laying on him. His arms were around you as he rested against the headboard, your face buried in his neck.

You moved your face away, slightly, just so you could look at his face.

You felt your breath hitch when you found him staring right back at you. An intensity in his eyes you’d never seen.

“JJ.” Your voice was hoarse, broken.

His eyes immediately softened. You could see the dark bags under them and your heart shuttered.

“I’m here.” His voice was soft, broken.

You sighed, falling back into his embrace.

You had a terrible feeling about his disappearance, a fear in the back of your mind about where you were almost sure he could have gone during the time he was gone. What he could have done.

You knew he remembered who the touron was, and knew for a fact he’d still be on the island for a whole month. The two things combined didn’t make for a good ending.

You didn’t want to ask, though, just wanting to be with JJ. You didn’t want to think about him, about what JJ could have done to him. The only thing that worried you was the consequences, but you knew your boy was smart, so you pushed the thoughts away for now and just enjoyed the way his presence subsided your pain.

“Don’t leave me again.” You whispered.

He inhaled, like it pained him to hear you say that.

“I won’t.”

You knew he wanted to say more, he was just trying to figure out the best way to do it. He’d never been one to talk, never good at expressing his feelings. You didn’t mind.

“Does it hurt?” He cut the silence, deciding on voicing his worries regarding the physical part first.

You frowned, tightening your grip on his shirt.

“Not anymore.” You let out.

You could hear his rage in the silence.

“What time is it?” You tried diverting his anger, suddenly wondering how long it had been.

“Four.” His hand found his way to your head, his fingers starting to play with your hair. He knew it calmed you.

You loved him so much, it hurt you. How you wished it was him instead. You’d always thought that maybe, somehow, he would be. That’s why you’d been waiting, saving your special moment for the person you loved most in the world.

Your mind started to wander. You imagined how it could’ve been, how sweet JJ would be with you. You imagined his lips on yours and his strong arms around you and his scent clouding your senses. You imagined his sweet words when it would hurt, and then your mind betrayed you and instead carried you to your pained cries and his threatens to stay still.

You opened your eyes, trying to forget about it.

In a daze, you let the words out.

“You know, I’d always hoped it’d be you.”

You felt surprised hearing yourself voicing your feelings for him after all this years.

You didn’t regret it, it was how you felt. And it was time he knew. You were kind of grateful of the numbness that brought you to confess yourself to him, or else he’d probably never known.

You felt his breath hitch, the movements of his hand stopped.

It took him some moments to speak up.

“What do you mean?” He tried, hesitant.

There was no use in trying to take it back, you wanted him to know.

“I’d always hoped you’d be my first time.” You admitted, being completely honest now, “For so long, I’ve rejected everyone because I was waiting for you.”

You didn’t want him to say he felt the same about you, that he loved you. You didn’t care if he reciprocated your feelings because you were just so glad you’d finally told him the truth that either way you’d be happy. You’d love him nonetheless.

Silence.

Obviously, though, all of your heart hoped he would.

You didn’t expect what happened next.

You didn’t expect the broken sob that left his mouth, you didn’t expect him to pull his hands away from you to cover his eyes with their back.

You knew your heart was already completely broken, so why did it feel like this was the most painful thing you’d ever gone through and that it was shuttering for real this time? You felt devastated at the thought of being the cause of this. What had you done?

You sat back, looking at him and you felt tears running down your cheeks before you knew it.

“JJ, I’m sorry.” You hurried, “You don’t have to say anything back. I swear, I don’t care if you don’t feel the same.”

He cried, his knees coming up to his chest and his hands staying on his face, shielding its view from you.

It took him so long for him to speak up, you’d already concluded he was feeling guilty about not feeling the same. You waited, tears cascading down your skin as you watched the boy you loved break down in front of you.

You didn’t know how long it passed when his voice cut the silence.

“Maybe-” he started, but had to breathe a few times in order to go on, “Maybe if you’d known — if I had told you I love you and I’d do anything for you, you would have never met that fucking sick-”

He stopped, now sobering up and realizing the mention of that guy could have triggered bad memories for you.

You stayed silent, refusing to believe this.

JJ actually felt the same about you?

You felt something, something for the first time in almost a month. You felt happiness swirl inside of you and you had to breathe out in relief at the feeling of something other than pain.

JJ removed his hands from his face.

“This is my fault.” His eyes were completely broken.

You could see behind them the guilt that would forever torment him. Suddenly you put your happiness aside and the realization hit you that he believed if he’d confessed himself to you, this could have been avoided.

“JJ, what are you saying?” You rushed to him, your hand coming up to meet his beautiful face, “Don’t ever believe that. This is none of your fault. It’s his. No one else’s.”

He shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. JJ looked away from you, a pained expression on his beautiful features.

“You don’t understand, Y/N.” His voice was strained, “I could have avoided all of this.”

You couldn’t believe he was blaming himself.

You shook your head, “No! JJ, you couldn’t have known. You couldn’t have know how I felt about you. Stop blaming yourself, please. You’re hurting me.”

He turned to look at you again, his gaze immediately finding yours.

Only then did something shift in his eyes. Another realization. This time, JJ felt extremely selfish. He looked into your eyes to see the pain behind them and could only think about how extremely selfish he was being in giving you another burden to carry. The worry of him feeling guilty.

“I’m sorry, angel.” It was all he said.

Exhausted, he slumped against the headboard again, laying down on the cushions. You were hesitant, not really knowing if he wanted your comfort. It was paining you, the absence of his touch. You needed him, but also knew he was fighting another battle in his head.

Then he extended his arm to grab you by your waist and pull you against him. You sighed in relief once in his arms again.

“I really want you to know that it had nothing to do with you. Nothing could have changed it.” You sniffled, your hand coming up to play with his hair.

JJ felt like shit. Here you were, trying to make him feel better when you were the one who’d gone through it.

He nodded for your sake, although in his mind he’d always think that if he’d just told you, maybe you two could have been together. Things could have gone differently for you.

It wasn’t about courage. In fact, JJ didn’t have a single amount of shame in him. It was just that he loved you so much and he was so sure you could never reciprocate his feelings that he preferred not to ruin your friendship. He always thought it was pretty clear he liked you, that the pet names and the constant physical contact gave it away. But apparently they didn’t. Not for you at least.

There wasn’t time for you to wonder about what was going to happen now, the distraction from this moment already subsiding to the pain you’d constantly felt all of this time. It was draining.

You’d love him no matter what, whether he wanted to be with you or not. That, you knew.

Now, you just wanted to feel the comfort he brought you and you just wanted to be with him. To have him so close to you. Because he was the only one who could ease this never ending pain.

His voice cut your thoughts off.

“I wish it could have been me, baby.”

You guessed with all of the tears you’d cried, it’d be physically impossible for you to have any more in you to spill. But apparently not.

“I know, now. That’s all that matters.” You spoke, “You’re all that matters, JJ.”

You felt his heartbeat quicken underneath your head.

“We’ll figure this out together, okay?” He asked.

You held him tighter. You nodded, grateful for his presence.

He spent the rest of the night whispering sweet nothings in your ear, wiping away your tears and caressing your hair. You’d barely speak, too drained from everything.

At some point, you felt sleep carrying you away. But not before a thought occurred to you.

“I love you, too, by the way.” You whispered softly.

5K notes · View notes