may7th1969

[may7th1969]

A month later

It has now been a month since my father’s passing, and I’ve had a significant amount of time to focus on myself and get through this difficulty.

I’ve put a lot of energy into being a better person, like I said I would be. I’m still not exactly where I would like to be, but I can say I’ve improved. Little things that I used to let bother me cannot come close to touching me anymore. I try to see the best side in all people I come across and look at complete strangers as if they are all beautiful beings that should understand their worth and capability of love. I try to appreciate little things I experience. And most importantly, I have tried to follow the lessons my dad taught me best... to love unconditionally and help others in need. So I’ve been volunteering. Once a week if not more, I attend events hosted by Second Harvest Japan that help combat food waste by giving food to those in need. It’s not much, but it’s something to honor him. When I return home, I will try and put a lot more effort into being more selfless, just like he was. 

There is also something so humbling and freeing about this experience. This was my worst fear, my worst nightmare, something I have been scared about happening for months upon months. And it’s finally happened, and it sucks more than anything...but, from another angle, I’m glad the worst of the worst has happened to me. Because I can look at this and say to myself “hey, I’m surviving this, I’m living through this.” and knowing that if I can do that, then absolutely NOTHING can touch me anymore. I have no fear left in me. Life can bring on whatever it wants--nothing it throws my way could top this. 

And looking back at the past month, I can confidently say that I have learned a lot from the experience. Things like continuing to move forward with life, no matter how much you want to stop. The day after I learned about his death, I booked a flight and hostel for Osaka. I know my dad wouldn’t have wanted me to drop everything and give up; he would’ve wanted me to go forward. So even after that Osaka trip, I made the effort to hang out with my friends, meet new people, explore Tokyo and its surrounding areas. I’ve been having a good time, and I don’t regret it. (This isn’t to say that when I did these things I didn’t feel guilty, because man, I felt guilty for even being able to laugh or be happy at a time like this). But I consistently reminded myself that my dad would have wanted me to keep going and have a kick-ass time while I’m abroad, and most importantly, be HAPPY. Because that is all he ever wanted of me was my happiness and I will live that happiness out for him.

I love you dad, and I miss you more than ever. I hope you are vicariously living through me and seeing all the cool shit I’m seeing. I wish you were here.

[may7th1969]

April 28

Three days ago, on April 25, 2018 my father passed away. This is the first ever death of a loved one I have experienced, and I will say that it is excruciating. It is truly pain I would not wish on anyone. I want to scream, I want to punch a wall, I want to cry hysterically. But three days in, I have decided that I am not going to let this destroy me. My dad wouldn’t want that... all he wanted was my happiness. And god damn it, I’m going to find this happiness if it’s the last thing I do. This experience will help me grow and learn and be stronger than ever before.

I’ve been spending many mornings and train commutes listening to spiritual podcasts and interviews from Roberta Grimes. If you have not yet heard of her, I highly recommend you give her a listen. She has completely shifted my view on death, the afterlife, and existence through a few short sound bytes. Sounds pretty unlikely, I know, but in the span of 48 hours my mood has significantly changed. Don’t get me wrong, I am still in an immeasurable amount of pain. But it is how I choose to deal with this pain that matters. 

To get into that point, this experience has made me fully understand the ancient concept of human suffering. Pain and suffering are separate entities. This is something I had read time and time again in Buddhist texts, and while I thought I understood it, I truly didn’t until this horrible event happened to me. I have mental pain from this experience. Who wouldn’t? It’s one of the most difficult experiences anyone ever has to go through. But I can either take that pain and let it break me down, hold me back from doing the things that I love, and weigh on my conscience, or, I can view this experience as a learning opportunity, a chance to better my spiritual self. So as of today, I am not going to suffer because of this experience. I will allow myself to feel this pain whenever it comes and I will not suppress it, but I also will not allow it to make me suffer. 

Another thing I have learned, particularly through Roberta’s teachings, is that this life is the most simplistic form of existence. Our beings come to this existential realm in order to learn and grow. So all the pain we endure, the sickness we face, the traumatic events we withstand... these are all events chosen for us to experience so that we can grow in the right ways. In this way, I know my father has passed away for a purpose, so my spiritual being can advance. I miss him dearly, but I am grateful for the lessons his passing has and will teach me. I also truly believe that my father has succeeded in ascending the spiritual ladder... I am sure he is an advanced being now, in an existence where the only emotions felt are love and happiness and there is no suffering. This brings me peace to know he is no longer in pain and he can experience infinite love and light and happiness. I look forward to seeing him again.

I have decided that because of my father’s passing, I am going to try to be the most loving and forgiving and accepting person I can possibly be. Just like my father was, truly. I want to let go of pointless anger and annoyance, I want to let go of fear, I want to let go of any negative energy that could possibly live within me. So, I will do it. I will train my mind to do all of these things. Roberta says training your mind to act with such unbinding love is like rearranging rocks around in a river... the water will adapt and flow around it, just as your mind will adapt. I will learn to sort out what truly matters from what does not. I want nothing but to feel happiness and love towards everything and everyone around me. 

So thank you, dad, for giving me this experience. I will make you so proud and I will be so happy. I promise on it.

So much love,

Carlie