mattheo1

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I hate school. I absolutely despise it.

I almost have no friends to hangout with, plus the girl I want to call my best friend has changed schools.

I can’t even walk into this godforsaken building without feeling the need to cry or slice the shit out of my arm.

I’m In school rn and I have the worst classes imaginable,I’m in the bathroom rn skipping the first period because I cannot be bothered to sit down for an hour or two and listen to her talk I can’t do it and I would probably have no where to sit either because my classroom is shaped weird and we have theses weird ahh lookin tables.

And the girl who I thought were my friends never save me a seat or anything like that idk why they would but whatever,i often end up sitting in the back with no table just my bag and a chair.

I hate it here I want to go home,I tried to tell my mom before I went to school why I didn’t wanna go and we had a talk about it and then she forced me to go anyway, she’s no fucking help at all (I know this may sound cliche but) she doesn’t understand me like at all.

I just want to lay in bed and not have to do anything I don’t want to live I don’t want to be a person anymore, I don’t want to be me.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I think this has been the worst week ever.

My best friend has officially changed schools. And my other best friend won’t even talk to me unless I talk to to her first and she hangs out with girls in our class and other classes so when we do talk we always get interrupted by them and it also kinda awkward and I don’t know what to talk about with her.

Things are just going awful.

I’m pretty sure I’m failing school. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I haven’t hung out with my friends in a while and I’ve barely talked to my gf or I don’t know if I should call them gf since he just came out to me as gender fluid and I don’t know if I like her anymore I’m losing interest in everything and everyone.

I am trying my best to hold it together but I don’t think I can last much more longer.

Everything is just hopeless rn.

I think about killing myself every fucking day I can’t do this anymore.

I just want to say sorry to everyone who may care about me In case I just spontaneously commit su1c1de.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I just finished school so I’m walking home rn,I need to do my English homework and homework for another class.

Today in my last class we were working on presentations and there were various topics you could choose and I chose Norse mythology because I’m a nerd for that stuff.

Oh yea I almost forgot about this morning when my mom and dad didn’t want to drive me to school because I was tired and didn’t get out of bed until like 7:40 or something like that so I had to walk because if I took the bus I would have been even more late then I already had was.

Anyways I’m determined to relapse today because It will help and I will try to eat as little as possible today because I’m fat.

I still want to kms

[mattheo1]

Depression blog

It’s been getting worse,I know I say that a lot but it just keeps getting worse and worse and the urge to kms is getting stronger every day.

So a bit has happened since I last blogged, my best friend (or atleast I think) was at her new school almost all week, kind of testing it out I think so she wasn’t at school and I tried hanging out with the other girl in our trio but she was distant or I don’t know if it was me but she just didn’t really talk to me but I hung out with this other really nice girl in another class, so it wasn’t good but it wasnt exactly bad either more bad thne good tho.

I’ve actually been so depressed I haven’t had the energy to relapse 😭. I’ve thought about it every day since like last week til now.

Everything is just going wrong. My grades are probably dropping I’m not really sure but depression has just taken over my life since the school year started so I haven’t really done any school work or homework.

I think I’m starting to lose friends, I usually feel more confident when I’m around my best friend (maybe) so the other girls in my grade kinda “hung out” with us, but when she’s gone I don’t really feel confident so I don’t really have the courage to talk kinda? Idrk how to explain.

I don’t know what to do anymore my life is falling apart infront of my eyes my social life is almost none existent, I’m fat so no one really wants to be around me which is understandable, I’m failing at school and I probably won’t make it past my 15th birthday.

I just want to stop living I can’t do this anymore

[mattheo1]

Idk why but I've been obsessed with this kind of thinspo lately.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I got this week off from school bc of some holiday I don't remember what it was called but whatever. I've been extremely depressed suprise suprise, and I still hate everything and everyone and I also still hate my life and would rather be dead then live this shitty fucked up life.

I'm going to try a diet to lose a shit ton of weight because I'm literally an ugly obese monster and I can't be pretty when I look like this.

I've actually been so depressed that I haven't had the energy to cut myself but I did yesterday after an intense mental breakdown my eyes got really red it was a but scary so I tried to calm down and cutting worked so hurray!.

Oh and my back is starting to hurt,I don't know exactly why or how it hurts but my parents say it's bc I I exercise enough and I don't want to believe it but it's probably true I haven't been active all week but normally I go to sports 4 times a week.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh I want to kms I hate my life

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

Today I felt tired, ugly, fat and I still want to kms.

Can't believe I have to wait half a year to get myself help I wish my parents would just die.

[mattheo1]

I'm at school rn and me and two of my other friends are like a trio kinda, we hang out a lot but one of my friends aren't at school today and so its just me and my other friend and like after our first class was over someone from the other class came over to my friend and asked them if they wanted to go yo buy something and they said yes but something happened we got separated and then my friend went looking for the person from the other class and I was just following them bc idk I had nothing else do to but then they said something that really hit me they said "don't you have any other friends to follow around?" And I got a bit upset bc I'm just a sensitive bitch about everything and now I'm thinking maybe I don't have many friends and. I'm panicking bc I don't want to be alone

But there was a person from the other class to who was friends with this person and they were also just following them around and then just before they went out they said they to "go on a side quest" I know that was bullshit and they just didn't want us around but me and the other person from the other class went and bought something at the store nearby our school and it wasn't all bad but I still feel like shit and I'm getting anxiety.

I'm worried now that I don't have many friends and I'm just counting how many ppl I know over and over again.

I'm debating whether or not I should relapse or not not that it would matter because I'm only like probably 12 hours clean or something 😭

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I'm so tired, of everything, I feel ugly and thinking about all of the stuff I'm eating isn't helping.

I'm so done with everything,I hate my life,I hate my body,I hate my face, I hate everything about me and most importantly I hate the world for fucking me over and giving me this shitfy life.

No one is going to love me, not when I'm like this, an obese depressed suicidal ugly teenager.

I hate my life so fucking much.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I've reached the bottom.

I have almost no will to live. Like 1% I hate my life I hate myself I hate how I act I hate everything about myself.

I hate everything in general.

Yesterday was a pain in the ass I relapsed hard and both of my thighs and left arm were covered in scars and it hurt like a bitch every time my clothes lightly grazed them. I didn't quite hate it it made me feel validated. I felt like I was properly mentally ill.

I haven't hung out with my friends as often. I haven't been hanging out with my gf.

It just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and no one notices. I think my friends do but they don't say anything because they know probably know it's pointless. And to no surprise my parents don't care or don't notice.

I refuse to ask for help. I don't want to. For once I want to be forced to get help not ask for it.

#

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

So this week at school we have been doing this project about country's, everyone gets a country and then we have to write about it and make a small presentation about it on Friday. It's been going ok until now, I'm in a group with my two friends and we've just been at each other's throats and ita been getting on my nerves it's really annoying, they keep ganging up on me and when I try to defend myself they keep yelling at me and tell me I'm just sensitive or something like that idk I hope those goes away or something. Hopefully next week will be better.

I got a random wave of sadness and vented on a server I'm on and someone replied to it and said something unhelpful and I snapped and told them to stfu and then some ppl got mad or something and I just left the server I can imagine that they're laughing at me rn😭.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog

I've been trying to lose weight because I'm really fucking fat and I hate my body.

But now I'm eating regularly and I hate it,whenever I feel full I feel fat, I hate it why did I give up.

I've become more su1c1dal now and it's getting worse, I'm a bit scared that one day I'll attempt again, my last attempt was 2 years ago I think probably 3.

I've just been so fucking miserable lately, I can't wear t-shirts anymore, but oh well.

[mattheo1]

I don't know what to do I've eaten almost over 1000kcals I'm panicking I don't know if I should brun it off or throw it up.

I messed up fuck fuck fuck fuck fucm fuck fuck fuck.

#

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I'm getting worse.

And I've decided to try and stay this way. Atleast I'll eat less and finally be skinny and pretty in other people's eyes. I relapsed and frankly I don't mind it much. I would gladly do it again.

I'm going to try and not wallow in my sadness but instead have fun with it. I'll smoke and drink with my friends and just try to have fun and then end up in an extremely depressive episode. But I'm going to try and ignore the depressive thoughs as long as possible to prevent the episode.

It's a wonder how no one's noticed yet. I'm not trying to hide it and I'm not going to. If they see they see.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I hate my life.

I hate it.

I hate myself. I hate my parents. I hate my sisters. I hate everyone.

I'm so fucking miserable and everyone who swears they love me won't even help me.

I want to die but I still want to have a future.

I hate how I am. I hate being transgender. I fucking hate everything.

Why am I like this.

I'm so fucking angry. I'm so fucking angry at myself. I'm angry at my parents for everything they've ever done and everything they haven't done.

I hate myself for being like this. I hate that I'm like this.

I hate every adult who said they could trust me. I hate those adults they're lying manipulative assholes.

I hate this.

I want to kms. I want to die. I don't want to live. I don't want this life. I'd rather be a fucking insect than live this pathetic excuse for a life.

I'll be change. I'll never get help. I'll be like this forever. And there's no one who can help. There's no one who wants to help. I need to accept that this is it and I'll probably die before I graduate from school.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog.

I am fucked.my teacher told me today that next Thursday is parent teacher conference night,and just a few days ago my mom told me she brags to the other moms in my class about how well I act in class,how my teachers love me and that i get good grades but I've been skipping a lot of my classes and I haven't been go PE since the school year started because I fucking hate pe and it makes me want to kms but anyways now she'll be all disappointed and I'll probably just jump if a bridge or something because I've never done something like this before and she'll probably want to talk about it but I hate talking to her about anything and my dad will probably fucking yell at me until I cry.

I haven't been able to concentrate in school it just drains me so fucking bad that I have no energy to do my homework or even do the work my teachers give me in school.

Well this is what I wanted i guess,my parents will definitely pay attention to me now.

[mattheo1]

Depression blog

I'm starting to get over my hair.

I keep getting dizzy spells and wanting to throw up all the time.

Nothing really new to add,haven't really been that depressed for a few days which probably means I'll go ham on my arm in a couple days and that reminds me,I'm 4 days clean or 5 I don't really remember.

I'll maybe add something new tmr.