mattandtimdoablog

[mattandtimdoablog]

Night of the Living Dead

Welcome back, Internet. Today's episode of Matt and Tim at the Movies brings me and Tim to one of the greatest horror films of all time, George Romero's Night of the Living Dead. Watch us say witty/cutting/horrendously fucked up remarks about a groundbreaking landmark in the history of cinema. All while Tim slowly turns into a zombie.

Seriously.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Voyage to the Prehistoric Bullshit

Hey there folks. You still with me? Hangin' in there? Well here comes our second foray into the public domain. A Russian Cosmonaut-filled romp beyond the bounds of plausibility and scientific competence. Watch Russian Michael Ironside befriend a giant fake robot, only to face its inevitable betrayal when he rips open his helmet on Venus and tries to throw two men into Lava. Yeah, there's Lava. There's also like 5 seconds of a dinosaur and some shitty power-rangers esque lizard people. Where can you go wrong?

Many, many places. Actually with this movie it's pretty easy to go wrong. Give it a watch, I think we did pretty okay. And we've yet to be hunted down by KGB agents posing as neighborhood parents so that's always good.

I imagine that's like what 90% of that show "Americans" is about. If I'm close- someone please tell me. 

[mattandtimdoablog]

Hey folks! I'll be posting all the original episodes of Matt and Tim at the movies on this here tumblr every night to prepare for the final episode! My film-assaulting partner in crime Tim McGullam is moving on down to Texas so it's an all out Matt and Tim Blow out! If you've never seen our show, for the love of fuck watch it now. Because even though we'll be ending soon, to quote Neil Young and The Kergen from Highlander, "It's better to burn out than fade away".

So here's Hercules Against the Moon Men! Wanna watch us riff on a dude with a porno actor name beat on some guys in monkey suits? You bet your rock hard cock you do. 

...Sorry that went too far.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 6: Godzilla vs Monster Zero

I told you Ghidrah was a cunt. Where does this asshole get off shoving his way into another movie immediately following his first appearance? What a fucking camera hog. And Monster Zero? I thought you were Ghidrah? And when did you change the spelling of your name? And add the fucking surname of "King"? You weren't King of shit. Everyone's gettin' real tired of you shit Ghidrah, just saying.

This was on TNT's Monstervision Marathon of Godzilla when I saw it for the first time. I didn't like it much then, either. But it's a step up from the last flick in that this one makes a fucking molecule of sense. But it's very straightforward, very blah, and somewhat infuriating- so forgive me if I'm curt about it.

So there's this Planet X (never heard of it?) that appeared and we follow two astronauts on their journey to it (one of them an actual American speaking actual english. That must've been a fun shoot.) We soon find out it's run by sexually repressed aliens that all dress the same. And they have a problem. And it's a giant floppy cunt named Ghidrah.

So they ask if they can "borrow some monsters" to take care of the problem. So they legit do just that, they fucking "borrow" Godzilla and Rodan (Mothra is left out this go around, presumably because she's pretty worthless) and they promptly hand Ghidrah's ass to him. Then Godzilla dances about it.

                                      But in a surprising twist the Planet X-ians are total douche holes, and they sick our own monsters on us. And blow us the fuck up too.

                                                          Leading the cunning American and nerdy sidekick to break control over the monsters and provide us with a final battle that's... okay I guess. That's it. Just okay. 

I'm sorry I can't help calling Ghidrah a cunt again. and again and again and again. Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt. Go cunt on over to cuntsville because honestly you're just too cunty. The air's to cunty when you're around. Eat a dick.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 5: Ghidrah the Three-Headed Monster

Ghidrah is a cunt. 

How's that for not burying the lead? He's a big old squeaky-voiced cunt who doesn't have the good sense to know when he's outgunned. Where the fuck do you get the nerve to take on our friend Godzilla while he's backed with Rodan and Mothra's useless offspring? You came to the wrong neighborhood motherfucker.

So this one involves some assassination attempt on a princess by aliens. At least that's what I took away from it. The fucker just ended and I'm still not entirely sure what the fuck just happened- it went deeper than Inception. You'll find that unless it's completely ridiculous and warrants expanding on it, I like to pretend the human-based parts of these films don't fucking exist.

Anyway the aliens bust out their monster, Ghidrah. (It's Ghidorah, but just pretend a guido read the name out loud). 3 heads, 2 tails, wings, lightning bolt breath, and a  high-pitched squeal that makes you question your own god damned sanity. This is the arch-nemesis of the G-Universe. And he's a bit of an overzealous douchebag.

This is our first introduction of Rodan into a Godzilla movie. Rodan rocked his own flick a few years prior (so did Mothra but again, fuck fucking useless Mothra.)

So this is like the Planeteers vs That guy that looks exactly like Captain Planet only he pollutes shit. What was his name? If it was Captain Pollution, that's so lame I might open a couple of veins in my bath tub this evening.

Pressing on, a Royal Rumble of sorts occurs that goes pretty much exactly as you'd expect. But Rodan and Godzilla have to sort out all their personal shit first before they take on Ghidrah together. It's like the last 10 minutes of an episode of Jersey Shore when they're all fighting after getting home from a club. Remember that one? You should, because that could be any of them. 

                           So the good guys win, but don't worry Ghidrah will be back more times than you'd ever need or want him to be. Seriously, fuck that guy.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 4: Godzilla vs Mothra

Remember Cloverfield? Remember when everyone went apeshit over an untitled trailer? Remember when the notion of the monster movie came back and somehow JJ Abrams used his magic producer powers to keep every detail under lock and key? Remember how genuinely scary and interesting it was to see that monster for the first time?

Now pretend it was a moth.

How long until you go crazy Chris Brown style and rip off your shirt in a mindless rage? The answer is not that fucking long.

Even before we get started, calling this shit “Godzilla vs The Thing”, or anything other than “Godzilla vs Mothra/a giant fucking moth” is borderline criminal behavior. That poster has to be slander or libel or whatever the fuck. In 1964 America fell victim to the first example of Toho false advertising. There’s not a single fucking tentacle in this movie. And that warning under the censored sign is the icing on a cake made of turds and vomit. This is often considered a favorite of most G fans, but I’ll never get past the flat out lying to get my attention. Perhaps you’re saying it’s insane to hold a grudge against a movie, and perhaps you can go fuck yourself.

So there’s this big fucking egg. Everyone’s going crazy over this big fucking egg. And personally? I wouldn’t be that entertained, it’s an egg. But these tiny twin bitches come along and speak in unison in a manor so annoying it’s almost as if the film is daring you to turn it off.

Shut the fuck up. I would love to have these twins inserted in the anus of whatever producer dreamt up this speaking in unison shit.

So thank fucking god, the big man shows up.

And the egg’s Mama shows up- revealing itself to be the epitome of lameness, a motherfucking moth. Are you offended? Because you should be. AND can you fucking believe we’re supposed to root for this asshole? Godzilla performs embarrassingly in this entry.

Then by the grace of god, he kills the moth by luring it into the fridge and smacking it with a paper towel. Oh wait, sorry, that’s how i’d kill mothra. Godzilla just burns the ever loving shit out of it. Good. Movie over, right? NOPE. Then the shitty egg hatches.

Tell me Godzilla doesn’t get taken out by caterpillars.

Fuck this shit I’m gonna eat a sandwich.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Coming Soon

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[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 3: King Kong vs Godzilla

King Kong wasn't doing much after his first flick. Sleeping in gutters and struggling desperately with his methadone addiction- he walked the borderline of oblivion. And he was desperate for work. It was then that he got the phone call that would change everything.  It was Godzilla. An up and coming fighter on Toho's monster circuit. And he made him an offer that would get him back in the public eye once again.

Okay none of that shit happens. But you'd fucking watch that wouldn't you? Of course  you would. That's a level of depth none of these movies will ever even fucking touch. Anyway, King Kong vs Godzilla.

This poster hurts my fucking eyes. Anyone?

So Godzilla busts out of his polyfoam "icy" prison and proceeds to fuck shit up. All of this however, is intercut with exceptionally boring pseudo-newsreel footage. It figures the American contribution to this flick is the part that's about as exciting as a back alley colonic. 

Anyway, these dudes go to skull island or whatever looking for these berries or some shit. I don't know, but there's definitely berries. So yeah, then this Giant Squid shows up and Kong fucks its day up mercilessly.

I hope somehow it laid eggs in him and he's going to become some sort of Ape-Squid. (Note to self: "Ape-Squid" is an awesome comic idea)

So long story short, they decide to bring Kong back on a giant raft, he gets loose, the two big guys meet up and the showdown begins. Look at some of these fucking effects.

Brilliance.

I'll put that shit up against Avatar any fucking day of the week.

So they introduce a new concept out of nowhere that says King Kong gains strength from electricity. And if I may fucking geek all over your face for a second I can explain why. See after King Kong came out the director was looking to make a sequel where King Kong would fight a monster made by Dr. Frankenstein, seeing as all the Universal flicks had hit it big. Years later, we take that script, swap the Frankenstein monster for a way more profitable Godzilla, and we keep in all that shit about electricity making him stronger because we are fucking Toho and we fucking said so that's why.

My favorite moment of the entire flick? This shit.

You're not gonna see that in your later flicks.

So Kong wins. The long standing rumor with this one is that there's an alternate ending out there somewhere where Godzilla wins. And those who confirm said rumors are liars and horrible people and aren't worth your time or friendship. Seriously, if someone told you about this alternate ending shit, pick up the phone, dial their number, and when they answer:

"Hel--"

"Fuck You."

Then Hang up and never speak to them again. You don't need their company if they're going to fill your beautiful head with lies.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 2: Godzilla Raids Again

Okay! One down. We're fucking cruising on this thing aren't we? Well this one's sort of a clumsy landmark in the series as it introduces the whole format of Godzilla and another monster pummeling the living fuck out of each other mercilessly. However, being the first time they tried it- it shows. Now we're gonna deconstruct this puppy, so let's start with the poster:

Before you say I found the wrong poster, kindly take the longest, rustiest, cylindrical metal pipe at our disposal, and shove it deep into the darkest crevices of your ass. To stir up some shit (no pun intended), the advertising campaign for this flick tries to rename our titular hero, but to my memory they all fucking call him Godzilla anyway. That's like calling King Kong "Chim Chim the retarded circus chimp".

Anyhow, let's try to make this as abridged as possible. The Godzilla from the last film has still been axed by the giant bomb that looked like a smarties package. Two pilots find an island where two giant fucking monsters are kicking the shit out of each other. One of them is a spiky backed, whiney, emo dickrag of a monster called Angilas, the other- a svelte, younger looking Godzilla (presumed to be a second cousin or some shit). 

                                           So we go back to Japan. We warn everyone that shit's going down. When suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, shit goes down. 

Things get vaguely sexual.

Godzilla and Angilas start a poorly choreographed dance around Osaka. Until Godzilla roasts the asshole. God, this motherfucking douche of a monster has the 2nd most annoying roar in Godzilla history. We'll get to the first when we hit the 70's. 

So Godzilla's running around all clubber lang like "I'm the man! Imma get chu sucka!" until we lure his ass to an iceberg and pummel his ass with planes/missiles and bury his ungrateful ass beneath enough ice to last until the next sequel.

                                                     Overall? This is strictly "meh" as far as Godzilla movies go. But even the "meh-est" of Godzilla movies is fucking epic in comparison to most shit on television. Watch it. You're not fucking doing anything. What kind've person are you?

Sorry that was uncalled for.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Day 1: Godzilla- King of the Monsters

Ahh the original. Every time I watch this movie I wonder what it would've been like to witness it's release. I'm sure many people would see the ad and just say "Well that looks about as entertaining as the dumpster behind an abortion clinic" and walk on. But if there was a little Matt running around unattended in the streets of tokyo, escaping my overbearing militant parents who insist I become a doctor at age 8, I like to think after he saw this poster and he cleaned the poop out of his pants, he went in and sat through this motherfucker like 5 or 6 times.

So Toho introduced this big gray bastard in 1954 (he's gray. not green. this is a sticking point that I get very heated about) with this dark, somber, disaster movie known as Gojira. We anglicized the shit out of that and that's where we get Godzilla. (Picture a guido seeing/reading the poster for Gojira the first time). The Japanese flick is all about the monster's attack and the creation of a nuclear-based bomb to eliminate him- the oxygen destroyer.

To me, this looks like a fucking super advanced package of smarties. But apparently it's shit you don't wanna mess with because you'll be swept away in a massive jump cut and turned into a skeleton.Overall- this flick's great, but dreary, and lacking some action.

That's where Steve Martin comes in. No, unfortunately not the friendly white haired guy you know from Saturday Night Live, Father of the Bride, and Cheaper by the Dozen 2. This guy:

                  This is Raymond Burr. If your parents had a dull sense of excitement when they were younger, they probably watched this old tool on Perry Mason. See, in America, we don't like to read, and we don't like things with a message. So we took out most of the chilling anti-nuclear sentiment, shot scenes with people lying in fake rubble, and shot scenes with Raymond Burr reacting to nothing.

The result, introduced Godzilla to America, and thereby- me to Godzilla. So I guess I should thank him, but yeah. Fuck him.

So no matter how much destruction there is in this movie, or cheesy overacting or ridiculous dubbing, it also faces the scrutiny of being in black and white. So if you're easily bored, this fucker is pretty close to unwatchable. But if you're among those of us with attention spans, the flick's not bad. You will believe a giant irradiated lizard can attack an overpopulated Japanese city. Or at least that a dude in a dinosaur suit with little to no mobility can do the same motherfucking thing.

This ain't exactly a snoozefest, but Where's all the other monsters? 

We'll tackle that shit tomorrow.

[mattandtimdoablog]

The Godzilla Marathon

I will be watching and reviewing all 29 known Godzilla incarnations (including that bullshit Matthew Broderick one) Because I am so fucking pumped about this remake that I'm going to shit confetti. Which in itself, is a lovely image.

Let's watch guys in suits destroy some shit.

[mattandtimdoablog]

Phantasm- by Matt

Okay. I've got one motherfucker of a mindfuck here for you on this, our inaugural foray into the written world. What I'm about to explain is like trying to describe what a fart looks like. At least, for the later entries in this series. But be prepared, because your mind is going to get raped so hard your mind pussy is going to look like an origami flower made out of raw bacon. Yes, I went there.

Okay. I just watched all 4 of these things. I'm not sure if I was trying to prove a point to myself or if I'm a glutton for punishment, but here we are... So let's start with one basic common link in these motherfuckers, and they rightfully call him "The Tall Man".

Look at this asshole. Imagine you go to brush your teeth, you open the medicine cabinet, take out the toothpaste, you close it, and this pile of scary fuck is standing behind you. Unsettling? Yes. Creepy? Yes. Scary? Well, I mean unless you're fucking stupid or really really tall, yeah.

So let's see if I can attempt to explain each of these things. The first Phantasm is about this guy and his brother who, after the death of a friend of theirs (and a number of deaths in town) begin to suspect the local mortician is behind all of them. Good thinking, that guy's face screams transgender murder (See opening 5 minutes of the movie to understand joke)

So leading our crusade against the ultimate evil is this awkward Screech from Saved by the Bell looking motherfucker. Goes by the name of Mike.

Stellar casting decision. This kid probably can't fend off the jocks that beat him mercilessly in school and draw sharpie weiners all over his face. But you certainly buy that he's nothing more than a useless kid.

So our "hero" goes to check things out at the mortuary, when he starts getting chased by (The Janitor? Who the fuck is this guy?) and then this happens:

Okay so apparently the Tall Man upgraded his security system to that new Sloman's "Floating Silver Brain-Drilling Balls of Death" system. Honestly? I watched 3 more movies about this shit and I only have the absolute most primitive understanding of these things. I'll get into this shit later.

So naturally freaked out, the kid tries to leave, ends up getting chased by the Tall Man himself, and after a semi-daring escape, begins to decide this guy might not be entirely human.

So enlisting the help of his brother, and local Ice-Cream man Reggie (Oh man. What a walking beacon of manliness we've got here.) They go to hunt down the Tall bastard on his own turf. It's here we "discover" the Tall Man's true plan- prepare your mind-pussy, his plan is:

Turn dead people into Jawa-like Dwarf slaves.

Yeah, you read that right. If you think you're confused, imagine finding out that this is the major plot twist an hour and ten minutes into the movie. Confusing is an understatement. Cool as shit, yes. But I have literally no idea what the fuck is happening.

So they lure the Tall Man into a mineshaft or some shit, and trap him inside. Only to pull the true traditional surrealist bullshit move of "making everything a dream". Turns out the little kid's brother has been dead for months (from a "car accident") and he's been living with the creepy bald Ice Cream dude ever since- who has adopted him as his weird pseudo-son. They decide to go on a road trip but the Tall Man appears in the kid's bedroom and a Jawa pulls him through the mirror. Credits.

Wow.

Now as cool as that movie was, It only worked because of our young leading man, and a fresh original concept. So How could the sequels possibly be bad? Well, repeat all the same steps, and make the only dude that's been the hero in all of them, this guy:

Do you know how hard it is to root for a balding, middle-aged, part time Ice Cream man? Even if his shotgun has 4 barrels, that shit's not easy to deal with. And this is your main hero. I'm not kidding. And it's not like he ages gracefully either.

Phantasm 2: nixes the geeky Screech kid for a hunky jock-type as Reggie and  Mike go on a [gay] road trip together to hunt down the tall man. We meet some hot psychic girl as the main dude's love interest (even Reggie gets some ass. Women, where are your standards!?) Better effects, pretty decent story, worthy sequel, cryptic cliffhanger ending (get used to that shit). Still- what the fuck are those silver ball thingys? Explanation: none. 

Phantasm 3: Brings back the screech looking motherfucker, and the brother character that supposedly died in the first one? (He's like fucking Obi-Wan now I'm guessing). Our leading lady gets her face eaten by a Dwarf in the first 5 minutes, the Tall Man kidnaps ugly-mike, mike's bro is now a black floating sphere thingy (just go with it) and now the movie follows Reggie (What is this shit? A movie within a movie?) as he meets up with an annoying kid (who kills 3 people upon us first meeting him) and a butch Black lady (whom Reggie has sex with...I'd say "how?" but for some reason, I buy this one). They rescue Mike, Mike finds out that the Tall Man takes the brains of the Jawa creatures he makes from dead people, and puts them in floating sphere thingies. For what purpose? You got me. But for some reason he also implants a GOLD sphere thingy in Mike's head. Then he runs off into the night, the butch black lady packs up her nun-chucks (she had nun-chucks) and sets off as well. Reggie and the kid go to find the Tall Man who sicks all his balls on Reggie at once (this gets funnier the more I say it), and the kid dies- good.

Phantasm 4 is less a movie, than it is an excuse to use about 40 minutes of unused footage from the original Phantasm. Reggie's back doing his bald, aging hero thing. Mike somehow looks even uglier than his previous on-screen appearances, his brother shows up again (looks equally as old) and tries to kill him (never really explained) and the highlight of this flick is amid all of the flashbacks to the first movie, for some reason they felt the need to shoot new footage of "The younger versions of themselves" and attempted to make 3 middle-aged men look 20 years younger with the use of hats (and an atrocious set of hair extensions for Reggie's dome). The movie doesn't end so much as it just... stops. 

So that's why there's so many people asking for Phantasm 5. But If that shit gets made, I'm gonna have to require that it actually ends.