materialistteacher

[materialistteacher]

A student used the words “rizzler” “sigma” and “skibidi” in the same sentence today. I responded by reciting their address.

Student A: “Please don’t hurt me.”

Me: “Oh we’re way past that buddy.”

Student B: “Yeah Mr. [celestial body] is like if Santa Claus was a character from Silent Hill.”

[materialistteacher]

Breaking News (from my D&D campaign)

Scientist trapped in foreign nation desires to return home only to be HARASSED by OPEN AND AVOWED TERRORISTS!! The scientist has repeatedly offered parley and mutual cooperation (he just wants to go home) but the TERRORISTS REFUSE to allow him to go HOME to his FAMILY!!!! The TERRORISTS have also ATTACKED HIM and DESTROYED his HIGHLY TECHNICAL EQUIPMENT to PREVENT his departure!!!!

Let the man go home!!! His family misses him!!!

[materialistteacher]

https://web.viu.ca/davies/H320/Franklin.advice.mistress.htm

Cowards indeed.

I know this is the sexualize old men website but where the granny fuckers at

[materialistteacher]

Yeah and Old Bailey’s just a pleasant old man who never had a sour interaction in his life.

Karren: has never killed anyone ever in his life and is appalled at the thought of doing so

Karren: tries to knock a dude over to break his concentration, non-lethally

Karren: ends up accidentally killing the guy, who was keeping most of the town alive bc they were all undead, so most of the town is now dead

Karren: vomits bc oh gods he just killed someone oh fuck oh gods oh gods

Karren: may have the biggest body count in the campaign so far and it was an accident

Karren: not sleeping at night

[materialistteacher]

Yeah aiming magic at the head tends lean lethal tho. Karren also has a psycho streak, embrace it.

Karren: has never killed anyone ever in his life and is appalled at the thought of doing so

Karren: tries to knock a dude over to break his concentration, non-lethally

Karren: ends up accidentally killing the guy, who was keeping most of the town alive bc they were all undead, so most of the town is now dead

Karren: vomits bc oh gods he just killed someone oh fuck oh gods oh gods

Karren: may have the biggest body count in the campaign so far and it was an accident

Karren: not sleeping at night

[materialistteacher]

Oh yes.

“Sorry I killed your friend, old chap, but who knew that people die when their heads explode? Learn something new every day eh?”

Karren: has never killed anyone ever in his life and is appalled at the thought of doing so

Karren: tries to knock a dude over to break his concentration, non-lethally

Karren: ends up accidentally killing the guy, who was keeping most of the town alive bc they were all undead, so most of the town is now dead

Karren: vomits bc oh gods he just killed someone oh fuck oh gods oh gods

Karren: may have the biggest body count in the campaign so far and it was an accident

Karren: not sleeping at night

[materialistteacher]

Karren also exploded a guy’s head with fire magic as a 90 year old Civil War veteran was suggesting they talk to these boys.

Karren: has never killed anyone ever in his life and is appalled at the thought of doing so

Karren: tries to knock a dude over to break his concentration, non-lethally

Karren: ends up accidentally killing the guy, who was keeping most of the town alive bc they were all undead, so most of the town is now dead

Karren: vomits bc oh gods he just killed someone oh fuck oh gods oh gods

Karren: may have the biggest body count in the campaign so far and it was an accident

Karren: not sleeping at night

[materialistteacher]

Why is it everybody calls you a hero and thanks you for your service and praises you one minute, but the second you torture a racist ex-Confederate traitor to death and cut out his heart or tie up and maim a train robber (to death) they think you’re some kind of evil, psychotic, sociopathic killer?

Like my guy I’m a good person. Maybe you just need to expand your definition of “good” to include the hardcore do-gooders who’ve been around 90 years and don’t play games anymore.

[materialistteacher]

My players are convinced that next session will be the TPK they’ve been fearing since we started because one of them mildly killed their best hope for survival, intentionally and with all the vim and vigor of the person who made New Coke back in the 80’s.

How do I give them the confidence to fight their hearts out while knowing that they’re all painfully aware of how fucked they are?

[materialistteacher]

False pro-Israeli arguments that will cause me to literally laugh in your face:

“Well they started it on Oct. 7th”

It started in the 1930s and intensified in 1948 as Israel launched their first Nakba (ethnic cleansing campaign). Israel has continued killing Palestinians and stealing their homes for the past 76 years.

“Hamas could just release the hostages”

Hamas offered to release all civilian hostages on October 9th, 2023, in exchange for Israel halting their invasion. Israel refused, and has continued to refuse the same deal multiple times.

“Being anti-Zionist is anti-Semitic”

Opposing fascism is not anti-Semitic. The current campus protests are literally being lead by Jewish student groups.

“Israelis were there 2,000 years ago, so it’s their land.”

Egypt was there 6,000 years ago, so by that logic it’s their land.

“God promised that land to Israel”

God promised me your savings account. I swear, he hit me up last night about it. Please transfer the money now or you’re going to hell. This argument is equally valid.

[materialistteacher]

A friend's student's father recently passed and they need help funding the cremation, if anyone is able to help.

[materialistteacher]

Yos

Just used the Copper King against my players! It was so funny! I laughed, you’d have laughed too! Two almost died!

This fills me with joy. :) I looked forward to hearing about it from @worldsneverfilled POV!

[materialistteacher]

Working in a school be like, hey guess what’s going to happen today before lunch on the Friday before Prom:

An affair between two teachers will be uncovered and revealed to be the real reason behind their respective divorces (ruined one teacher’s life, but neither is giving up the relationship)

Two students will be caught having sex on the bathroom floor (everyone focusing on them being gay and not the fact that bathroom floors are disgusting)

A (different) English teacher will be outed for ogling teenage girls (on administrative leave till the end of the school year, will not be returning)

A pregnant student will start undergoing contractions (false alarm)

Three students will come to school with bad spray tans and two will be crying about them

A student will have a full blown psychotic break and try to stab another student with a pair of scissors for pouring water on her hair (it took her four hours to get it right for tomorrow)

A student will have an Eric Cartman-esque meltdown due to their victim complex and their abuses toward another student finally getting them a clap back (can dish it out but cannot take it)

Progress Reports will have gone home yesterday so the number of kids able to go to prom appears to have been cut by a significant number (third quarter slump hit some harder than others, many parents are pissed about their kids’ drop in grades).

School’s power couple will implode due to the boy cheating with the girl’s best friend (and was secretly going to take them both to prom and only have the girl’s best friend know this detail)

God the drama bombs. I sup from the source and have gorged myself. Now I’m feeling sick from it.

[materialistteacher]

You, my friend, are a veritable font of fun toys with which I can play to my little psychotic heart’s content, and for that I am eternally grateful.

My party, on the other hand, will likely curse your house and line, but take that as a compliment!

Inspired, designed and created by our artist Eotia, the Soul Chain Arrow is one you want to keep handy for a rainy day. Take the time to prep, make sure your target has disadvantage on rolls and pray they don't have a way back from the Hells. Or use it on that annoying Shopkeeper, we're not your DM.

Soul Chain Arrow

Weapon (arrow), very rare

“This arrow is constructed with an obsidian arrowhead etched with a blood-red banishment rune. The shaft is formed from infernal iron and bears the name of the circle of Hell in which it can send a soul. When this arrow hits its mark, the target is enveloped in fiery chains as the ritual to send it to Hell begins.”

You have a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic arrow.

On hit, this magic arrow deals an additional 1d8 psychic damage and restrains the target in magical chains. At the end of the target's turn, it must make a DC 19 Wisdom saving throw or take 2d8 psychic damage. On a successful save, the target is freed from the chains. If the target remains restrained for 1 minute, or is reduced to 0 hit points while restrained their soul is banished to one of the nine circles of Hell.

This magic arrow loses its magical properties whether it hits or misses.

Join us on Twitch every Mon\Wed\Fri to create new Homebrews and check out our Patreon for 524+ magic items, tokens, maps, and more.

[materialistteacher]

Villain: The Knights of St. Kazvarin

There's pious and selfless devotion, and then there's whatever these weirdos have going on

Riding forth from their brooding fortress-abbey to do the will of a long dead holy man, these inscrutable warriors have long been the subject of rumour and suspicion. It's not an undeserved reputation, as apart from looting tombs for ancient relics or ominously observing the goings on of the common folk these forboding knights are most often acting as the hired muscle for unscrupulous nobles who have no regard for the legality or virtue of the orders they enforce.

Far more than mercenaries with a patina of piousness, the Knights use these contracts to fund a secret and sinister endeavour that they have undertaken for centuries.

Adventure Hooks:

While delving through a dungeon the party follow a trail of slain monsters to a gravely injured knight and his thoroughly overwhelmed young squire. The boy will introduce them as Tilaen and Ser Darrik respectively and ask for their aid in tending to his master's injuries, before the dour Knight chides him for speaking on his behalf and tells the party to be about their way. Ser Darrik wants no help from "the faithless" and is willing to use the last of his strength to get violent about it. If cooler heads prevail, the party will learn that the two were after a rare manuscript hidden somewhere within the dungeon, and the offer of collaboration might be explored. If the party don't help, they'll find the squire waiting for them at the dungeon's entrance, requesting their help to bury his master and guide him back to their order's abbey. It's only after a few days of travelling together will realize that Squire Tilaen is muchabused by his sect, and that steering the boy away or outright adopting him might be the real kindness.

Acting as a stern and imposing shadow to whatever asshole noble or callous merchant the party have recently pissed off, the towering and always helmed Ser Gelceiras has "Bossfight" written all over him. However when the adventure's final confrontation looms the party find him cleaning off his massive axe, his employer's head in a bloodsoaked bag waiting to be delivered to them. "We got what we wanted from him" he rumbles as he exits, " you can have what's left. no hard feelings."

Just a new threat encroaches on the settlement, a mace wielding bruiser in burnished armour rides up and pledges to fight alongside the party in its defence. Ser Portia's skill as a fighter is sorely needed, perhaps enough to overlook whatever agenda it is that drew her to the settlement in the first place. Shortly after the final battle is fought and the dust clears, the party will realize Portia is nowhere to be seen... having escaped sometime during the aftermath after inexplicably kidnapping one of the locals.

Background: Before he was a sacred corpse, Saint Kazvarin was a necromancer of great talent, having dedicated his life to the study of thanatology and the many loopholes around death. This earned him great renown and wealth in his day, amazing the masses with seances while charging the powerful dearly for cut-rate resurrections. He amassed generous patrons and fanatical followers, only to have it all fall apart when the Raven Queen took an interest.

Kazvarin had and constructed his own bootleg afterlife, a place where his most loyal followers would rest forever in glory before being called back in time of greatest need. Atleast that was the sales pitch, in reality the "saint" had stopped just short of lichdom delving into the shadow to create a demiplane where his own soul would reside undeminished after death, sustained by the faith of his followers as the realm hollowed them out.

Such villainy inevitably created it's own downfall in the form of a young woman who's family were taken in and exploited by Kazvarin's cult. Though her name was not recorded by history, she was marked by the Duskmaven for greatness when she swore to tear down the saint who would conquer death, years later succeeding along with some allies in not only killing the necromancer but cursing him with a most ironic fate. Denying him the afterlife he had so meticulously constructed, the raven queen cursed Kazvarin with reincarnation, forcing his soul to live out a new life where it would forget all he knew and be remade.

It would have been a perfect punishment had the Saint's followers not been so fanatical. Though their organization had been shattered by their "benevolent" leader's apparent assassination, the most loyal of his inner circle poured through his research, finding the spells nessisary to seek out his soul in its new vessel. Thereafter they engaged in a grim hunt, crossing the realms to ritually sacrifice the youth their leader had grown into and pulling free his undigested soul. This is the cycle Kazvarin's followers have been following for generations, spending decades hunting for signs of their leader's return before using murder and necromancy to forcibly deincarnate him. Thereafter Kazvarin has a few months or years to act freely before he is swallowed back up by the tide of souls and the hunt begins again

Future Adventures:

Though they begin as a comparatively minor oddity, the knights become a true threat to the campaign as soon as they figure out who Kazvarin's current incarnation is and manage to wrest his soul out. Ideally this should be someone the party knows, to make it all the more tragic that they were sacrificed to bring about the villain's return.

Though it is much deminished, Kazvarin's demiplane (called the Howling Basilica) still traps the souls of those who have sworn their lives to him, acting as a vault from which he can pull rank upon rank of shadow-maddened spirits to his bidding. His most loyal retainers are allowed to keep their skills and individuality while being deprived of their will, meaning he has a backlog of highly skilled Knights just waiting for new bodies to possess no matter how many times the party defeat them on the field. What's worse is that the saint still remembers how to manipulate people with the offer of offbrand immortality, and will likely begin reaching out to powerful individuals shorty after his return.

Art 1

Art 2

[materialistteacher]

Ask and ye shall receive

Ask not, and ye shall receive, but with chaotic laughter

A very powerful item, but at the level you should be getting this, enemies will have more than enough ways to come back to thank you for the impromptu vacation!

Bow of Banishment

Weapon (bow), legendary (requires attunement)

“This legendary bow was created using various materials gathered from around the inner and outer planes. Infernal iron from the Hells, magical pearls from Elysium, a Kraken’s tooth, plumes of an Ember Roc, the breath of a cloud serpent, and flawless gems from the Plane of Earth. ”

You have a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

Planar Banishment. When you deal damage to a creature with this magic weapon, you can choose to attempt to banish it to another plane. You can roll 1d6 to determine the plane at random or choose between Elysium, the Nine Hells, or the Plane of Fire, Water, Air, or Earth. If you choose a plane at random, the target takes an additional 2d6 damage each time they fail their saving throw. At the end of the target's next turn, it must make a DC 20 Wisdom saving throw. On a successful save, they resist the banishment. If the target fails the saving throw five times, they are banished. The banishment effect ends if you are reduced to 0 hit points, or you can choose to end it as a free action. Once you use this property you cannot use it again until you finish a long rest.

1d6 - Realm - Damage Type

1 - Elysium - Radiant

2 - Nine Hells - Necrotic

3 - Plane of Fire - Fire

4 - Plane of Water - Cold

5 - Plane of Air - Thunder

6 - Plane of Earth - Force Join us on Twitch every Mon\Wed\Fri to create new Homebrews and check out our Patreon for 482+ magic items, tokens, maps, and more.

[materialistteacher]

Watching Rebel Moon for the first time with my wife and realized almost immediately

It’s Warhammer 40K Presents: A Bug’s Life on Planet Skyrim.

I will not be taking questions on this.