marisauseda95 - Tumblr blog

[marisauseda95]

When my kids ask me about my first true love I want to be able to look at you from across the table and smile. I want to tell them about all the adventures we took and all the miles we survived. I want to tell them about all the experiences we had and how lucky I was to find my forever at just 18. But if it’s not you across from me when my kids ask about my first true love, I will still talk about you. I will still tell my daughter how you and I were a lot of bad timing and that although it didn’t last forever you and I had the greatest love story to ever exist. I will tell my son that if we had our forever his name would have been Alexander not Dallas and I will tell them how we tried to brave many miles and when my daughter asks why it’s not you sitting across the dinner table I will tell her that sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough to make someone stay and that’s okay. If you’re not the one sitting across from me at dinner it’s okay, we still had the greatest love story to ever exist.

To my first true love (via intoxicated365)

[marisauseda95]

I'm alone in the dark. It's when the house settles the lights go out and all the noise subsides that my mind can't find a distraction. I live in this constant pain. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I can't even pick just one. I can't even speak about it out loud. No one realizes how much I sacrifice every day. I'm not in control of my own life anymore. It scares me so much. I can't breath. It's like a heavy weight on my chest pressing down. I get a few breaths in but I'm suffocating. I want to know what the air feels like. I wanna sit in the tub at 2 am and let the hot water bring the nerves in my skin to life. I wanna walk outside and hold my daughters hand. I forgot the sky looked like that. I can't say these things out loud. My stomach aches and my throat Burns nearly every hour of the day. I can't remember what it was like to live a day where I wasn't in pain. I try not to cry or scream. I say It's nothing or that I'm just tired. Tired is an understatement of everything Im feeling. The thoughts running in my head could kill somebody. I refuse to be that somebody. I'm in a world where most hate me. I even got so unfortunate to get trapped in a body that seems to hate me as well. I can't say this to you out loud. I can't even think of what else to say. There's too many thoughts and they're going to fast for me to type them down. You wouldn't understand even if I said them all out loud but I can't. I can't even tell you I can't tell you out loud. I see the struggle in your life that my life has caused and I get how you must feel because I'm in this too. I'm suffocating in the silence of everything I can't say to you out loud. But I need you to hear me. I'm pushing but nothing's moving. I'm losing a fight I meant to win. The odds were never on my side. I swore I'd get through it that I could get use to the lifestyle I'd been thrown into. You'll never really get it. You couldn't even grasp it. That's why... That's why I can't say this to you out loud

[marisauseda95]

[marisauseda95]

the princess saves herself in this one ~

[marisauseda95]

I meant to tell you I loved you before the sun came up

[marisauseda95]

We started talking in the most unexpected way. I only knew of him because he was friends with a guy i was dating at the time. It was late one night and we'd never talked but somehow he'd gotten my number and called me. He said " you seem like a nice girl and i hate to be the one to tell you this but your boyfriend is cheating on you" . I got so defensive at first because well who the hell was he to say something like that to me. Only i found out after i let him explain that my "boyfriend" had cheated with Derricks girlfriend. The only thing Derrick knew about me was i was his friends girl. That was it. He stayed on the phone with me literally all night trying to calm me down and telling me i deserve better. It was the start of an odd friendship. Every day after that he either texted me or called for a good few months he never missed a day and yet we still hadn't met in person yet. We stopped talking for a few weeks in the summer i can't remember the exact reason why but we did. It was spring break of 2013 i came to lockhart to go to spend it with my best friend. I stopped at dairy queen before heading to her house and there he was . It's a moment that plays in my head a lot . He smiled so big. Derrick has the kind of smile you can't help but smile at. It was like the weeks we hadn't talked never happened. This was the first time we've seen each other in person . He walked up to me and grabbed me up in his arms and held on for what felt like forever. I thought he was so weird because he smelled my hair and kissed my head. There wasn't a minuet of awkwardness. I went to a party that night with my bestfriend and he was there. There was paint everywhere and the first thing he does is throw more at me. We spent the night painting each other. We got so wrapped up in each other i didn't notice everyone staring at us when he leaned in and kissed me. That's the night i realized Derrick was always gonna be a part of my life i just wasn't sure how or in what way. Over the next 2 years we had own lives. We'd still talk and if iever had a problem he'd be right there trying to fix it . If he ever had a problem he'd call and we'd talk for hours . Whenever i didn't answer he'd leave voicemails telling me he hoped i was alright and that he loved me. Derrick became my bestfriend. I could tell him anything i could rely on him for anything. I had my daughter in April pf 2014 and every day i was in the hospital he video called me just so i didn't have to be alone. It was a weird year for us. We were always with other people but knew we had feelings for each other. February 2015 i moved to lockhart after getting away from a bad relationship. Derrick called me he said " i don't want you to ever date anyone unless it's me , wait for me" i didn't hear from him for months after that. At first i thought he just didn't wanna talk to me until i found out he was in jail. Dumbass. That summer he got out maybe a month after he picked me and my daughter up from my dad's after a huge fight we had. We spent our first night together. I fell in face first. I was over my head in love with him. I moved back to Seguin but somehow he managed to get himself locked up ... again. So i waited ... again. We wrote each other i never missed a phone call i never missed a visitation. Him coming home made me so happy. Our relationship was great. Even after we lost our son we managed to get through it together. I was going through hell at my moms so in September i moved in with him at his moms. Our relationship was great but it wasn't perfect. We fought like crazy some days. I know there was days we couldn't stand to be near each other. But every time i felt too alone he'd remind me i have Ariel and we had him. " for the rest of our lives you'll nevr be alone again" i held onto to that in our harder times. Derrick knew me better than I knew myself at times. He could talk me out of whatever bad mood i was in. He made me laugh until i cried. He taught me how to be strong for myself. He opened my eyes to the world around me and helped me realize all the toxic people i had around and helped me let all that go. When i got sick then when i got worse he never looked at me different. He still swore i was beautiful to him and still the girl he fell in love with. When i had no one in my corner i had Derrick. We'd fight we'd leave each other but we are always there for each other especially when it mattered the most. He may not to be out here for me to tell him to his face how much i appreciate the things he's done for us or that no matter where life takes us I'll Always love him but i hope he knows it in his heart. He filled my life with enough happiness to last a lifetime. He's the love of my life and if things were different we could possibly make it work but there's never nor will be a moment that passes where i don't hold his love in my heart

[marisauseda95]

Hey Momma

We used to be really close. Growing up i thought you were all i had. When i was a child you told me stories about my dad i wish i never knew about. When he didn't show up i believed in the words you told me. I really really thought no but you could ever want me. It was clear for a long while before brother passed away that no matter what i did i could never be good enough to be your husbands daughter. Besides he already had one. Throughout the years he only made it more obvious he never wanted me around to begin with. I swear i thought all i had was you but a big part of me thought you needed me too. In family arguements if there was a side to choose I'd choose you. When you'd leave i remember packing so fast so i could leave with you. It got to the point where I had a bag of clothes and nesscities near my bed so when i heard the arguing and your car start i could just grab everything and run out before you could leave me behind. After everything you put me through after brother passed away with drinking and the drugs and cps and being ripped from you watching you do nothing to keep me i still always chose you. I came with my dad and maybe if i tried i could of actually liked it with him. But i kept recalling all the stories you'd tell me about him and all the times i cried and he never came but i never questioned why he didn't come or if you were ever lying . I just knew you were all i knew you were all i had. I was making good grades i was doing good i was doing things a 13 year old should be doing. But i still wanted you , so again i chose you and left. The first drink i ever had was because you let me drink a 6 pack by myself in the driveway. I got in trouble after trouble and you always stood by me instead of telling me something different. That probably wasn't all your fault I'd gotten to a point where i wouldn't listen to anyone. I was so depressed at 15 and i think it was then i started realizing you didn't need me or care about me as much as you did yourself at least. You used my problems and my pain for stories to tell your friends . It was so embarrassing. I was so lost inside my own head you never even noticed i had a boyfriend that was physiccally hurting me you didnt notice the marks on my arms or the missing pain pills from your husbands prescibtions. The only person that noticed was the girl i didn't quite know if i was gay for or not & yet most of the time yall couldn't stand her. You didn't notice when i took the last of the ibuprofen because i heard if you took so many you wouldn't wake up . You didn't notice when i started wearing thick bracelets. You didn't notice when i wouldn't eat for days. You didn't realize until i was thrown a box cutter and told to cut deeper. I remember the ems came and you just stood there asking me how could i do this ... how could I DO THIS.? You didn't go to the hospital. I sat in the ICU while they shoved charcoal down my throat to get the pills out of my stomach and they cleaned and wrapped my arm. You never came. You didn't call. You sent your husband, the one who threw me the box cutter. I guess you forgot that part huh ... you didn't have much to say to me but you had enough say to have me admitted to a hospital. I remember coming home after a few weeks . "DON'T CHANGE HER COMFORT ZONE" That's what they told you . But yall managed to rampage my room take everything but a pillow and a blanket on the floor. All that time i was there you had nothing to say. But when it came to telling the internet you weren't shy at all. Just another time you used to problems for a story for your friends . The entire student body stared at me when you left me at school after i begged you not to leave me. I just wanted to be with you . I remember after your husband left to work out of town Richard was just a baby so i didn't mind Watching him . He made me feel better. But you left first every other weekend then every weekend then every other day. I didn't just have Richard i had chrissy too. I was 15 maybe 16? Taking care of an infant and a preteen because you wanted to be out with your friends out at the bar. Not even then did i mind. I just wanted the thank you i never recived for taking care of the children you at one point said you didn't wanna raise. I remember coming back to my dad's then leaving and yet again making him hate me because i thought you could change . I thought you needed me i couldn't leave you when everyone else kept leaving you. I tried so hard to be there when no one else was. I hated seeing you hurt so much . I hated hearing you cry in the car while we drove around for hours.Can you remember all that time i had money but i didnt have a job ? I'll never tell you or a soul the things i went through to get it. I spent it on new outfits for you for gas in the car for food for the kids all i wanted out of it was some weed to keep my anxiety in check because there was no way i could have a break down when you yourself seemed so broken. It still didn't matter what i did or how i did it. You were never on my side of things no matter how much stuff i hid for her or all the times i lied for you. When me and your husband would fight you swore you stood up for me but in all honesty you never really did. Matterfact when it came to anybody new you forgot all about me. Just me. Not the other 2 kids. I was 17 and pregnant with your granddaughter and even then you left me all alone. I really needed you then. Where were you ? I mean i guess after i had her you took her home for me when i had to stay in the hospital. But you left me there too... you didn't even call. I noticed when you realized i had Jessica to lean on you threw your life on me again . It was back to the bars and the guys and your friends. I had your kids and my kid . I remember when you finally got caught cheating on your husband he blamed me because i knew the man and i kept it a secret. You moved out and left us all behind because you wanted a life you were done raising kids . I was already grown up but the other kids weren't. They needed their mom . Their dad was clueless and could barely stand to be a parent himself for longer than a few hours. All i did was try to keep you home when we finally got you here. You were so drunk you made my little brother fall you broke my sisters heart you fought my girlfriend and told me instead of my brother dying it should of been me. Even so after that i chose you over a relationship that had the possibility to make me really happy. Fast forward to when i started getting sick because there's too much more bullshit that happened in between. The FIRST question you asked was how much money you could get for taking care of me. Really? The guy i was with and his family were more concered and had more questions then you did. You say i chose derrick and his family over my own. But never questioned why i did that did you? I've never been close to my dad for our own reasons. All my life i was closest to you even after everything we'd been through. But i wasn't at home with you. Everything was my fault. You and damian made it clear i wasn't welcome there . He said all i ever did was make everyone's lives miserable and you didn't disagree with him. Being with Derrick and his family made me feel safe and I'd never felt that anywhere else. It was home and I could breath again. But again a part of me needed you still... but i could never get a hold of you . When I got sick to the point where i couldn't take care of myself i expected you to be around. But you weren't. My sister was. Derrick was. Not you. Again you'd rather live your life at the bar with your friends. Only this time my sisters older she can take care of me and Richard right ? I'd lost who i was and everything i wanted to be and you said i was over reacting , and throwing fits. Mind you im stuck in a body of sick person with a child i can't raise the way i want. So you shipped me off to my dad because my health was too much for you , you just can't do it. It was then i felt like less of person and more like property getting sent off . I've been here over a year Mom. I've seen you 5 times . I've spent more than 24 hours with you once. I call you don't answer. I ask to get picked up you never can. But i see on facebook you got drunk this weekend. I think you have a drinking problem mom... i know you're supposed to be engaged to marry yet another person who doesn't like me. I know she's a big part of the reason you don't come around. But that's not surprising you always choose your partners over me anyways. You were the only person i had at one point now i have all these other people here for me i can't for the life of me seem to connect with because i can't get over the fact that im sick and my own mother doesn't want me doesn't care enough to to take me to dr appointments or to even pick up the phone and talk to me. You and damian raised me and left me hanging when my life got to be to much for yall to handle . Now i have my dad and my step mom who do everything for me even take care of Ariel but i can't bond with them because my heart is filled with so much hate . All i ever think about is the day i get too sick will you show up then? I cry a lot and im angry but no one really knows why . Mostly because i see Ariel and i feel like i failed her because i wanted to give her the mother i never had partly because i want my independence back but also because even though you have showed me time after time you dont care about me i can't help but have faith that you'll come for us that you'll change but then you never do. Meanwhile i have another mom here who does what she can for me and treats me as her own and took me back in even after all the mistakes i made but again i can't make a connection... how am i supposed to expect other parents to give a damn when mine didn't? You keep letting me down. Im 21 years old dammit i shouldn't be crying because my mom won't be a mom. Yet here i am... i thought Jessica and Derrick broke my heart but in the end it was you . You broke my heart .

[marisauseda95]

This will make you feel better

[marisauseda95]

I needed you to love me the way you swore you did . I needed you not to be the man you promised me you'd never be towards me. I never believed in love at first sight but the moment i met you i knew right then i couldn't see a day without you in my life. Maybe it was the way you looked at me for the first time as if we were the only two in the room. Maybe it was when you hugged me and told me you'd see me later like it was something we'd done before. It was a long felt like home hug. It could of been the way you kissed me that night . Even high off the drugs and all the drinks I'd ingested when your hands held my face and your lips met mine I'd never felt more sober in my life . We never made anything after that night. But year after year you were there at the weirdest times . We wouldn't talk for weeks even months sometimes but we'd pick up like we talked everyday. We had intense conversations . We knew each others fears and dreams and goals . We were the people we wanted to be when we were around each other . I loved you even when we were just friends . I loved you when we were with other people. I was in love with you and i never realized it till we finally gave each other a chance to be together. It was our forst over night together and we went the motions as if we'd been together forever. It was after our first time that i cried on your nathroom floor and you ran after me and jeld me all night long. We spent our first night together camped out in your restroom because i was too afraid to face the morning and it would all be too good to be true. We had our moments in our relationship where we wanted to kill each other. We'd yell and leave and say things neither us really meant. At the end of every night you'd pick me up into your arms and tell me you loved me more than the life we had. You were it for me. I could never love anyone after you. I refuse to believe this is where we end. We loved each other when everyone was telling us not to. We're better together we make each other better people. I couldn't give up on you even if i wanted my heart would never allow it .

[marisauseda95]

My mental health is still a daily struggle, but I’m working on eliminating personal finance from the long list of things that trigger me. Of course, sometimes depression and anxiety are just there, unprompted, and they can’t be easily tamed or reined in with spreadsheets or wit. In those cases, I do the best I can.  But the more I learned and the more I budgeted, the better I felt, at least for this one facet of my life. Even though I can’t make my depression or anxiety go away, it’s given me a lot of comfort to realize I can try to give it less to work with.

Stephanie Ashe, “Budgeting My Depression” (via twloha)

[marisauseda95]

[marisauseda95]

It takes a man & I mean a really really good man to look at another man's child as his own. My child's never had her father. As many chances and opportunities were and are still being handed out the interest in being her father never follows through. Personally I know I've grown a lot since I was pregnant with Ariel. I no longer find the need to bash her biological father and I won't. This man here though, Derrick, he'll always be her dad. Like people say it takes more than just being blood to be a dad. Derrick taught her most of what she knows. How to walk, RUN lol he taught her how to say her first words he taught her simple words in Spanish. Not just that but he spent long sometimes even sleepless nights with her when she was sick or simply just throwing a tantrum. He woke up morning after morning and even though the man gagged at changing diapers he did it. He made her breakfast played with her, everything a parent is meant to do. When I got sick and couldn't do things on my own anymore it was him who picked up the slack and did what needed to be done. He worked full time , took care of me, and still managed to be the best damn dad he could be for our little girl. Without him I wouldn't know what to do. Now that he's gone we miss him more than ever and daddy's girl never stops asking for him. I hope he knows how much he means to us. We love you Derrick Riley Silguero till those gates open and bring you home, we'll be here waiting.

[marisauseda95]

Clear your mind here

[marisauseda95]

When I hold onto you baby I'm all tangled up in barbed wire I get burned, I don't learn I'll be back, give it time Yeah, I know it sounds crazy But guess I like playing with fire

Playing with fire - Thomas Rhett

[marisauseda95]

[marisauseda95]

[marisauseda95]

Make-up & filters are my bestfriends when it comes to my blotchy skin