marilele39

[marilele39]

(7) 1.19.22

i think i’m a bad person

i was listening to i hope by gabby barrett ft charlie puth and it reminded me about how shitty i am. i’ve never cheated on a man before but i have been the girl guys have cheated with. three times that i can think of actually.

first james. i mentioned james awhile ago. james gave me the emotional trauma. i was in love with him for years. in the beginning he was actually dating my friend and we became friends (they were never serious but thats still shitty). we had a thing and its a long story. but whats relevant to this post is at one point he was dating this girl and he cheated on her emotionally and physically with me several times. but, i saw forever in his eyes and i didn’t care.

then my sophomore year of college, it was more of a rape situation but i still felt shitty. he was a baseball player at my school.

finally, my most recent and probably shittiest endeavor was with a guy we’ll call carlos. i was sleeping with him from january till july. he def had a girlfriend and it was a complicated situation. at least that was what i was told. he never directly talked about his girlfirend but we had mutual friends. we were friends with benefits. i never liked him. i just wanted to feel good. and i did in the moment. but we stopped talking because he moved in with his girlfriend. and i just feel shitty because she will never know the love of her life was unfaithful and i played a part in that.

i feel like cassie from euphoria. in every sense. i just want to be loved. even if it’s not real. it’s not an excuse. or even a good reason. but i get her somehow. even tho she’s wrong. i get it.

anyways, i’m gonna go back to feeling shitty about myself

lani

[marilele39]

(6) 1.15.22

tired

i’m so tired. i really am so alone. i feel like when i am not needed, i am not wanted. i feel sad and tired and tired of being sad.

i’m trying tinder but honestly men are creepy and scary even if they’re not doing anything wrong, i just feel so uneasy. i just want to meet someone that makes me safe and at home. i want someone that makes me laugh and excited to start the day because that’s another day i have with them in my life. i want love songs to make sense again. 

i’m sad because i feel like i’m always going to feel like this. i’m also on my period right now lol.

i’m gonna get high and play sims now

xoxo

lani

[marilele39]

A little bit of green has a great effect on happiness.

ig: thenovelacademy.

[marilele39]

[marilele39]

versailles

[marilele39]

(5) 1.11.22

oh well

so it’s been awhile. i know my ass has been obsessed with enzo. but recently he did something that made me have the ultimate ick. i don’t want to go into detail because some of the things he did are extremely illegal and the slightest possibility of him ever being identified and caught it unfathomable to me.

long story short he is a terrible decision maker and i will absolutely never be able to look at him the same. it’s like the rose colored glasses fell off and i see the reality of who he is.

i think the idea of me ever being with him is actually pathetic, he’s pathetic haha. i’m still his friend tho, i will always be his friend.

i finally get paid tomorrow so i get a new pen and i get to shhhmooooke. 

classes are starting again so shit is about to get difficult again.

i’m watching euphoria which might not be so good for my constant desire to smoke and be high.

[marilele39]

(4) 1.6.22

i was unfortunately right

it was a girl. he told me about her today and i had to catch my breath as he talked about her over the phone. enzo told me about how he’s so ready to make her his girlfriend. he called me to tell me. to tell me that he’s willing to do distance with her. he’s willing to take the risk for her.

in that moment my heart shattered. in that moment i realized that everything i’ve been building up in my head about our future was just that. in my head. a romance delusion. 

i’m trying to act normal. i did cry for hours and saw spider man by myself, but he will never know that.

sad thing is, he will never know how much that broke my heart.

oh well.

love,

lani

[marilele39]

(3) 1.5.22

HE POSTED A FUCKING GIRL

do i know if this is a love interest? no. but do i feel it in my fucking bones? yes. because he mentioned a girl to me a few days ago. i think this is it. this is the day my enzo fantasy dies. he doesn’t care about me unless i’m helping him with assignments for school. he reels me in just enough to keep me around. to use me.

fuck this. fuck him.

i feel absolutely bat shit crazy. i feel like i’m angry for no reason. i feel like i’m overreacting. i hate him for making me feel like this because this is exactly how i felt about james (*fictional name of my very real ex situationship.. maybe ill talk about that later.

enzo is starting to make me feel bad about myself in a way i haven’t felt since james. 

but knowing me i’ll be back, enchanted once more.

tried to do a self care thing today. not sure it worked but i got to pick up a shift so i’m not home all day again.

i also ate three meals today, so exciting! 

[marilele39]

Jean-Paul Sartre, The Selected Essays

[marilele39]

(2) 1.3.22

we are not having a good start

there are two things I know to be true. i am a bitch and i am alone. i am a lonely bitch. when i try to actually go to someone and tell them i need a friend, they say the wrong thing and i instantly lash out.

i have a friend i am going to refer to as chanel. chanel is bat shit crazy. she doesn’t think. she’s too much. she’s hypersexual. she doesn’t know how to have a calm night. she thinks she knows everything but she really knows nothing. she’s controlling. she cheats on good partners. she does not know how to be alone. she’s annoying. her voice is irritating. she’s smothering. she does not deserve the good shit she has.

i know i am a terrible person for judging and being mean. she’s my friend and she’s gone through a lot. but this blog is about being honest. and these are my honest thoughts that no one will ever truly know.

all this to say, i am always there for chanel. even when she’s in the wrong, which is often. you might ask, “lani, if you hate her, why are you her friend?  why are you always nice?” because i feel like i need to be and i don’t know why.

today is not a good day. i’m short on rent. i feel lonely. i feel like a burden. the whole enzo situation is still fucking with me. i texted him this morning what time i was planning to see the movie like he asked me to and he has yet to respond. that was five hours ago. i said i would go around 6pm. it’s 3:30. no response. but he did post on his instagram story. UGHH this is not about him yet i manage to bring him up. 

ANYWAYS, long story short i feel overwhelmed and sad because i don’t have a best friend or a boyfriend or anyone i can go to. i decide to go to chanel to just ask for support from afar and let someone know i am not okay. she gives me some glass half full bullshit. saying i just got off vacay and i should be grateful not sad. i don’t like being told how to feel so i made that known. i didn’t say anything uncalled for or wrong, i didn’t want to pretend like it was helpful not harmful. but i know i hurt her feelings. i don’t really care but whatever.

but i am a bitch. and this was a good reminder that i shouldn’t go to anyone. no one cares. no one understands. this is why i have this blog. so i can say what i need to say. not filter.

sorry for rambling. 

love,

lani

[marilele39]

Cinema Paradiso, 1988

_ Giuseppe Tornatore

[marilele39]

Sadness feels both constant, and chaotic

And that’s what makes it so beautifully addicting.

(J)

[marilele39]

(1) 1.2.22

welcome to my blog.

hello, my name is lani. well actually it isn’t. you see, i’m making a blog. a painfully truthful account of my life and everything in my head. in order to be honest, i have to be anonymous. i have to protect my identity and the identity of those around me. no one’s name is real, but everything else is very much real.

i don’t know why i am doing this and i don’t think anyone will really follow, but i feel as though it will be therapeutic as i do not really have a best friend or anyone i can tell anything and everything to. i have no one to talk to everyday. so why not talk to myself?

let’s start this blog with a bang. I am in love with my best friend. his *fake* name is enzo. anytime i talk about enzo, i will always refer to him (you get what i’m doing here?). i keep telling myself i don’t like him but lets be honest, i think about him all the time. i talk about him all the time. every scenario in my day dreams have to do with him. i feel safe around him. i feel infatuated by him. i feel at home with him. but i have a feeling deep inside he does not feel the same way. lets talk about all the reasons i like him.

he makes me feel safe

he’s hot

we have similar beliefs

he changed my windshield wipers

we go out to eat all the time

he says he loves me

he gives good hugs’

he smells good GREAT

he makes me nervous

he makes me feel soft

he gives me forehead kisses

he calls to say he misses me

he choked me once and it felt good

he drove to my job just to say goodbye before break started, gave me a hug, forehead kiss, and bought me a coffee

those are just to name a few. but i think he’s just comfortable. if he really wanted me he wouldn't bring up other girls. if he really wanted me he would have already pursed me. i’m not pretty enough, i am not good enough for him, and that is why he will never want me.

proof? he suggested we should watch a movie together when he got back from his trip. when i brought it up he told me already watched it. that was so mean. i was so excited to watch it together. HE was the one who suggested it and bailed on me. i literally CRIED i was so upset. he doesn’t think of me.

anyways, i am a major stoner. love smoking.

i’m dreading school to start back up.

i’m horny.

i need a real fat blunt.

i’m sad.

i want enzo.