marianas-astoria

[marianas-astoria]

I'm going to go on a mini rant here because Tumblr feels like the only place I can say this.

I'm currently dealing with very conflicting thoughts here. I've spent over a month waiting to get my first prescription of testosterone filled because the pharmacy has been out, and I had to switch to a different pharmacy altogether. I have anticipated this day for years, yet I can't help but feel bad.

Over the years, I've experienced countless bullying and harassment. I'm used to it. But now, I get the feeling that wanting to exist as my true self is inherently bad simply because I'm a man. As time goes on, I'm being told I am being misogynistic, perpetuating patriarchal stereotypes, and that I am a "traitor" to women everywhere. And it hurts.

To want to exist without pain, with true freedom, should not be a crime. To want to be happy and comfortable in my own body, should not be a crime.

I have waited years and years to have the chance to be myself, and now that I finally have the chance, I can't help but worry it's going to change everything. Yes, my friends know I'm trans, but who actually views me that way?

I correct people all the time on pronouns and gendered phrases, yet it seems to still not get through people's heads. I am still told "when you become a guy" or "you want to be a guy" and not simply treated as one now. I am told that relationships will be hard and that sex will be harder because of who I am. My own mother thinks I shouldn't engage in any romance or sex until I've "fully transitioned." Upon explaining that I'd probably never get bottom surgery, I was then told I'd never be fully transitioned, and that I'd be wasting my time trying to be with anyone.

My entire closest friend group is all girls, and I worry that once my body starts changing, I won't be a part of their group anymore. Once I'm unable to take cute, quirky movie theater bathroom selfies with everyone, once my voice changes, once I grow facial hair. I'll be different to them. Maybe they'll finally see me as a man. Maybe they'll just see me as some sort of freak.

I watch Heartstopper, and I think "maybe my friends could accept me that easily," but then I remember that Heartstopper is simply TV, and I live in the real world, where being yourself can often lead to isolation and severed friendships.

I'm still me. I am the same art making, musical loving, fanfiction writing, DND nerd everyone knows and loves. I've been out for 8 years. Being on hormones won't change who I am, but simply my appearance. It's those things that I wish my friends and family would understand. Everyone is accepting and supporting until you take steps to be your true self. Then, it gets tricky and messy, and lonely. And it's not fun. And im a little tired.

I wish I had trans friends. I wish I had true support and love all around me. I wish I felt better. I wish this wasn't all so complicated.

[marianas-astoria]

High speed pets 4 my little head

[marianas-astoria]

today my bf and i were talking about visiting my home for the holidays and i was (sadly) wondering aloud if i should cut my hair and our kid was like "why would you cut your hair??? your hair is cool" and not knowing how to explain it to him i said "my family doesnt think boys should have long hair" to which he went silent, wordlessly pulled out his phone and then swiftly held it out with a picture of keeanu reeves on his phone

[marianas-astoria]

Charlie: Once I lost my ex at a party and found him hooking up with some random girl.

Charlie: Last night I lost Nick at a party and found him outside trying to befriend a stray cat.

Charlie: Upgrades.

[marianas-astoria]

heartstopper isn't cringe it's just sincere and you guys are weak as fuck

[marianas-astoria]

Heartstopper S2 + Text Posts

[marianas-astoria]

media will make u go Wow i wish i was 15 again and then u will think wow what the hell fuck am i even saying. for gods sake No i dont

[marianas-astoria]

I love how much Heartstopper emphasises queer COMMUNITY and how important it is to see other people like you. Nick finding the courage to hold hands with Charlie after seeing an older gay couple. The rainbow ocean reaching out to Ben at the queer art exhibition. Coach Singh telling Nick about her wife and promising to protect him from homophobes on the rugby team. Nick watching Tara and Darcy kissing on the dance floor and realising he can be both happy and queer. Elle meeting other trans people at the art school and feeling at home.

Heartstopper constantly shows that surviving as a queer person is a group effort and it’s not only accurate, but comforting to queer youth. It’s a plot point that only a queer person could have the conscience to write.

[marianas-astoria]

HEARTSTOPPER S2 + TUMBLR REACTIONS

[marianas-astoria]

Nick + Charlie + Parallels + Callbacks + Moments of Growth (Season 2)

[marianas-astoria]

NICK NELSON + THE CROSSED ARMS POSE

[marianas-astoria]

seen lots of articles and people saying that heartstopper was like "too clean" and that teenagers aren't that wholesome and they should be having sex and doing drugs and stuff and sure some teenagers definitely do have sex and party and do drugs but honestly a lot of teenagers DON'T and the idea in tv that all teenagers do that kind of thing can really fuck you up when you're like 16!!!! because you think you're behind your peers but mostly you AREN'T !!!!! we need boring teenager representation not everyone has a euphoria skins degrassi teenagehood some of us didn't drink or party or date some of us just did the kind of stuff they did in heartstopper like walk dogs and have sleepovers and skip prom to hang out at a friend's house and dance and have a good time and watch sitcoms!!! like heartstopper is good representation for people who just had regular uneventful teenage years!!!!

[marianas-astoria]

this has been annoying the absolute shit out of me, and people keeping talking about it, so lets talk about it: Nick Nelson reitirating that he is Bisexual is a necessity. It is literally him correcting people on HIS sexuality because others keep stating he is gay because he's in a relationship with someone of the same gender. It's not "cringe", it's not "stupid", its necessary. When you are part of the LGBTQ+ community you literally do not ever stop coming out. This is especially true in situations like Nick's - everyone automatically assumes that he is gay because he's with Charlie; he goes no, I'm Bi actually - because he is.

It'd be like someone assuming you were straight because you were with someone of the opposite gender, or gay/lesbian because you were with someone of the same gender.

He quite literally does not get to stop coming out, because other people are making assumptions and he is correcting those assumptions.

Say you're biphobic and fuck off.

[marianas-astoria]

Nick + Being The Best Boyfriend To Charlie (Season 2)

[marianas-astoria]

can we just talk about how amazing it is that heartstopper has a character that is completely comfortable in his heterosexuality and doesn’t worry that doing certain things will make him seem gay

like

tao is the only non lgbt person in the friend group and he’s totally chill about it. he never once worries if charlie will develop a crush on him. he never questions if liking a trans girl makes him not straight. he kisses charlie during truth or dare and it’s not a big deal because they’re friends. he doesn’t care if people think he gave charlie the hickey. he’s not afraid to be flamboyant.

like i know this should be the bare minimum but the reality is that it isnt. especially for teenage boys. and i just think tao is amazing <3

[marianas-astoria]

[marianas-astoria]

the lack of misogyny in heartstopper is so fucking refreshing. all of the girls in the show just LOVE each other. no jealousy. no cattiness. no competitiveness. elle, tara, darcy, imogen, and sahar are all just vibing together. in a world where literally every single tv show has women being pitted against each other, it makes me so happy to see full love, solidarity, and support amongst these leading ladies.