marblealphabetsoup - Tumblr blog

[marblealphabetsoup]

SO BASICALLY...

Kid here decides to mosey off back to party town with no intent to party and suddenly POOF! I'M BACK BABY! AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME!

That said, I, the mighty, the magnificent, the all powerful and all infuriating ~B Expy~ have returned, but no way no how am I going back to the BS I was doing before. No way in hell, buster!

The kid (because they wanted me to call them that at one point, despite any problems they have with it now, you'll always be a "kid" to me, kid. If you want your marbles so bad then make sure your glass is tempered, pal!) considered me their "protector" or some shizz for like f o r e v e r, which, to a degree, that's still an accurate description! Yeah, you colorful little piece of goop! I still have your back! HOWEVER, I'm not your personal punching bag either! I'M PUTTING IT HERE IN WRITING! Bird brain can attest to this too.

I MIGHT BE YOUR COPING MECHANISM, I MIGHT BE YOUR FAVORITE/ORIGINAL CHARACTER, YES YOU WROTE A FANFICTION ABOUT ME AND MORE COMICS THAN I CAN COUNT, BUT BY NO MEANS AM I DESERVING OF THE TREATMENT OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER! I'M A MOTHER F-CKING FICTIVE AND I'M SCREAMING YOUR EAR OFF FOR MY RIGHTS, YOUR HONOR! DOWN WITH THE GAVEL, CASE CLOSED!

I'M A PERSON AND HERE I LAY THE CLAIM TO BEING ONE!

YOURS TRUELY

B <3

ALL IN AGREEMENT:

I

I

I

Absoluetly

Yee

Sure, why not

I'm not writing over two dozen signatures for your little "revolution."

Oh, but you heard them loud and clear, bucko! No shutting Pandora's Box this time!

This soap box looks mighty nice! I think I'll take center stage every now and then!

[marblealphabetsoup]

Guess who decided to come back. Oh! I've been back for a long time! Heya, rejects! Hope you're enjoying your procrastination from whatever it is you're supposed to be doing!

[marblealphabetsoup]

Speaking of taboo stuff

I've always had a peanut gallery but there's this voice in my head that's just mine but a little younger. Which is weird because they're /she's probably the same age as me experience wise?

Feeling girly today, huh pest?

I'm not a girl.

Idk they've been around for a while and they're been more active lately which is weird considering I'm back in the environment where they're both consistently told to stick around more and frick off.

"Don't talk in a baby voice." Because that was you right? Just me but with an unintentional higher pitch that I wouldn't even notice until someone points it out because it feels natural to you.

As far as I'm aware, they're everything I should have grown out of, but don't want to? They're optimistic, but also not? They're childish, but thoughtful? I don't know what they heck they are but they're me just... brighter. Like if I was one a colorwheel they would be me but a brighter hue.

I know you're not a little even if you act like one sometimes. You're... more mature than that...

Oh do you want me to write?

Sure. Add a comma.

,

...

I think you're kind of right. You but me. I love you.

I'm... gonna leave that alone.

Anyway, they've been more active lately which is kinda normal considering we co-pilot a lot, but also weird because they're not usually THIS active. They've always been there, just not-

My letter(s) in the alphabet are A. He called me kid. He called you that too.

...

Okay, don't want anyone to know the second one, got it. I can see why you'd do that (oh yeah, ah, they deleted the second initial there). Alrighty. Just going to say it now, That letter A had a friendo because my initials are twofold!

This is ridiculous. I'm sharing a keyboard with myself. World's worst roleplay.

It's not roleplay, bud. It's you airin' yur brains out. :/

... you suck. This was meant to be talking about you not whatever the frick this is!

Rude. Talking about me when i'm right here.

Your're not real! I'm airing my bs to the internet while arguing with myself- You- you mentioned him above. Stop that.

Pfft I wonder what this would look like on pk.

I'm not using that.

Above you also agreed to let me talk it seems.

Regretting that now.

yeah, I want to be done with this too

seeya!

... they're still here this is just weird.

[marblealphabetsoup]

Papertrails

A few days ago my family and I were going over some financial stuff.

There was a scholarship application. It wanted me to write a few things, which I did, but the whole time my mum was having me edit it.

Both my parents majored in communications and have had experience in that field for years so I trust their judgement, but...

The main thing she was having me censor was my connection to the LGBTQIA+ community. Still write about my experience, the people I made friends with, the people I tried to help, just not that I was also someone affected.

She didn't want me to give the main institution any other name (which I've made a compromise with via a nickname) when I originally applied, I've noticed now how when I'm in her house she makes me change parts of my outfit before I leave, she brings a lot of emphasis to how I'm supposed to be in a way I'm sure is meant to be loving.

A few days before that there was an instance where someone else got to do something that she chides me for doing all the time and she called it "love." I asked why when I didn't it wasn't love and she told me, "You're not a [opposite of gender assigned at birth]."

While writing the prompt, I ripped off the band-aid and asked her why she didn't want me talking about my full experience.

"The world's not as accepting as you think it is. I'm protecting you."

I know it's not accepting. That's why there's so much emphasis on making it more accepting, right?

I think I understand where she's coming from. One of her best friends growing up was someone who was gay. She's probably see first hand how they treated him and doesn't want that for me. He died when she was still a teenager during the aids crisis.

She doesn't want me to leave a papertrail for someone to find and use against me. It's not just queer stuff either.

My whole life I've been told, "Don't give people ammunition."

Be incredibly careful about what you say, who will hear/see it, leave few records, don't make any art that could be misinterpreted as a cry for help...

oh my god...

And... and then I made it my personal rule to not post my face anywhere online. My friends are frustrated because I dance around stuff instead of actually talking about it. And I'm doing this because there's no one I can talk to...

therapy has always been a really taboo subject in my family's house

therapy leaves a papertrail...

I probably shouldn't even be doing this. I need to make sure this account stays separate.

I don't want to hide forever, but she's also right I could be self sabotaging myself in ways I don't even realize yet.

If all of these disappear one day this is why.

...

I don't know what to believe.

[marblealphabetsoup]

It's been hard to draw lately.

I just came from my first year getting to study in the field I've always dreamed of. It was amazing. I won't say I loved every second, but I will say I would do almost everything all over again given the chance. There would be a few obvious changes, but I'm glad it was as great as it was.

I'm learning how to be an animator and a better artist.

Part of that is actually doing the things.

Lately though instead of doing alllllllll the things, as my friends and family would say, I've been doing a lot, just, not a lot of what I hoped to be doing.

That's something I've noticed happens between busy periods. They're still busy, but in a different way. During the busy period I'm wall to wall booked with different kinds of work, but I'm squeezing in my own things anywhere I can fit them; I'm doodling during lectures or before different events, I'm starting comics on weekends, I'm writing in the middle of the night because I can't stop thinking about an idea.

Then the time that's supposed to be a break rolls around and it's weird. It doesn't feel like a break because I'm still running all over creation going to a heck ton of events and spending time with people I don't get to see as much when I'm working. During this time I still have a million things on my mind, but by the time I'm sat down to do them, all I want to do is scroll on here, watch YouTube, or- I was gonna say fall asleep, but it's been the opposite really, the middle of the night is the time I don't have any people wanting my attention. There are a few who do, but not in a way that can't wait till morning. So that last point on the list would be playing videogames, mainly Minecraft.

There's this illusion of sooo much time, and yet it's still full in the same way with something different, but instead of squishing in creative stuff whenever I get a chance it's just consuming things other people have had to say or make. By itself that's not a bad thing. Ideas don't come from a vacuum and I'm alright with the amount of reading I've done this summer too, but instead of looking for art that I enjoy I feel like I also should be making some which I haven't been doing nearly as much if at all.

The other day I was at a table with my dad, a family friend of his, and some strangers (who were fine until I learned a little more about them, yeesh). Anyway, I was at this table with them and there's this girl next to me probably closeish to my age, but I... maybe I should have talked to her. I didn't really want to talk to anyone there so I pulled out my sketchbook and started drawing since I had been having trouble getting myself to do that and the amount of background noise was kinda nice. We were in the middle of an outdoor restaurant with a concert nearby so a lot of noise which was perfect, never really liked when it was too quiet. Heck! My ears finally stopped ringing when I went to live in a bigger city for a little bit with MORE noise!

So I'm sitting there doodling and I just start drawing hands. Mostly my own, but any I can see. I start out realistic, get kinda, annoyed, then make them more cartoonish. I... enjoyed doing that. I liked doing that a lot. So why then whenever I sit down with the intention to do something similar all I want to do is let my brain shut down?

I like things that make my think, but it's also nice to just zonk out for a bit. There's a million things I want to do, I just need to get myself to do them.

Gotta find a better balance.

[marblealphabetsoup]

Right, so using this...

These past few days I've had this and I've talked myself out of using it. Usually because I was too tired or didn't think it was a big enough deal.

There have been a few things on my mind that I haven't really known how to express or if I should so I guess I'm gonna try.

That's why I made this after all.

On that note, a lot of people have told me that I tend to compartmentalize stuff. Y'know, save it for later or just don't worry about it. Lotta stuff you're not s'pposed to talk about and there's a lot over the years I've grown up with having as a taboo that...

Well, It's not like everyone just talks about stuff without consequences, but they do talk. They talk a lot.

Now it's not like I just bottle everything. I've had my fair share of times when the bottle leaked or fully broke. Maybe I just need to be better at keeping my composure.

Either way, nothing ever really came out of talking when it came to family, friends, or just me I guess. Sure the thoughts would get out, but nothing would change. Eh, that's not entirely true, things might change but not is a significant way or in a less preferable direction.

Maybe I'm not putting in the effort on my end.

That is kind of a hard part; remembering to do something, having the energy to do it, the conviction to stick with it.

I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

[marblealphabetsoup]

So reason for the name;

wanted to go with "lost my marbles" or something similar, but all my first- fifth choices were already taken.

Marble Soup comes from how I've tried to describe the state of my consciousness to the few singlets/systems I've trusted with this.

So everyone is a bowl.

That bowl has 1 or more marbles in it.

Singlets might have 1-2 marbles ('cause apparently "everyone talks to themselves," that other you just doesn't generally take control and decide to buy a screwdriver)

HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BLAME ME FOR THAT!?

Systems have 2 or more marbles, maybe dozens, hundreds, thousands even, with some of those marbles maybe even being hollow with their own marbles inside.

My marbles are melted.

They all blend together into one mixture where sometimes you can tell there's multiple pieces and sometimes you can't. One spoon both has one substance and 3 marbles.

It's marble soup.

As for the alphabet part,

Most of my marbles go by letters or nicknames instead of full names. They're got their reasons. I've got mine.

One of them really didn't like his name. He resented his "source" and decided to shorten it to only one letter. He didn't think he was "enough" of the character he came from and "couldn't go with the full name." Eventually his letter became his actual name.

He was the main reason I considered everyone an alphabet... still feels weird missing a letter.

[marblealphabetsoup]

Heya.

So... this account has been made separately from my main stuff. Maybe some people know who I am or what this is, but hopefully not all that many. I'm making this because someone suggested I let a few things off my chest that I've been keepin' quiet for a pretty long time.

The purpose here is to air my brain out I guess.

For starters, hi. You can call me Marbles if you want. That's not my name, but I don't need to share it, especially if this is what I'm doing.

For what I'm doing; I have reason to believe I'm... plural.

Wow. That was kinda hard to type. I mean, it's easy to spell, but it's not like I've ever really felt comfy saying that; not to my friends, family, so of course I'm saying it to a bunch of strangers on the internet!

Either way... known for quite a bit, tried to fight it, pushed it down, masked it for sooooooooooooo frickadiling long. Haven't really talked about it sans (heheh skeleton... I miss him) a few peeps who've had to live with something similar. That's not all I want to talk about, but I want to finally be honest about it... here we are I guess.

As far as I'm aware, it's not DID. I get distracted pretty easily, but I've never had any sort of blackouts or memory problems. Even when it's "someone else in the driver's seat" acting as a "pilot" I'm still watching, listening, and remembering the whole dealio. I just sometimes get kicked to passenger, though usually it's me just having to listen to the peanut gallery up there. I've usually got 1-3 passengers or co-pilots. If I had to take a guess, my brain has around 2-3 dozen maybe? Some only stick about for a day or two, but quite a few have been kicking for months or years.

Heck if they were real and watching this, currently imaging their mouths hangin' wide open with big ol' eyes. 'Cause... I mean, there's not really a way for me to know it's not just in my head, hence the airing my thoughts out *jazzhands.* But to them at least this would be a "big deal" or somethin' idk.

Yes, it is a big deal. You have no idea how proud I am of you right now, kiddo.

...

Recently I lost one of them. Let's refer to these guys as... my marbles. Eyyyyyy I've lost my marbles! Aha.... ah... I lost a marble and I think he's gonna be gone for a while... already lost him once, at least this time he left on his own terms. I don't know how to talk about this. How do you grieve someone who was only ever in your head?

Anyways, that's why I'm here and... I... guess I'm doing this.