mamatschi

[mamatschi]

merciless

Someone told me;

         “If time was a person, I’d beg them

         to slow down for a bit.

         I’d hold their hands, I’d tell them

         beautiful stories

         thousands of possibilities that could’ve happen

         if only they have some mercy”

But isn’t that the essence

of life?

 If time happens to have

even just a little bit

of mercy,

 maybe then you would realize;

life has lost its meaning

 to love and to appreciate.

[mamatschi]

To Love Both Life and Death: A Letter to Dazai Osamu

Sometimes my heart feels in doubt too. The thought of life itself confuses me, sometimes. Some said we are spirits living a life of human beings. Are we really lost spirits in an endless journey?

Through every single word that you put, countless time you stress that you can’t find the meaning in life. The purpose of life itself. It touches a dark realm in my heart; a part that always questions the meaning behind this tiring, endless journey of life. 

Life. A journey where time won’t even stop for a bit when your feet are sore, when you are physically and mentally tired; when you’re bleeding and feel like there’s no hope; time won’t stop even for a bit. 

The infinity scares me. 

While you seem to have no fear for the ending line of this journey, I fear everything. I fear what I might find later throughout this life, and I fear what I might encounter by the time I reached the end line. I fear both the battlefield and the ending line.

All this time I was living in a fantasy world I build on my own. To shield me from the harsh reality of this life. Until one day someone tapped my shoulder and through words shook me: I think I’m going nowhere. I’m walking in circles, I still haven’t find my purpose. I am walking along with the cruel time but I realized I haven’t find out where I’m going, yet. 

I don’t want to remember you the way you picture your life through your works.

I want to remember you as a friend who talked to me during my darkest time. Someone who tells me to keep on living even when I have to walk through fire. A friend who makes me come to a realization; I will never know where I’m going unless I keep on walking.

I want to remember you as a friend. 

And maybe, I want to let you know that you were never alone in this journey. We all wander and as confused as you, too. You were never alone.

Somewhere in this scary, infinite universe, I want to believe you finally find the happiness you’ve been longing every second of your life.

“Everything passes. 

That is the one and only thing I have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.

Everything passes.” -Dazai, “No Longer Human”

I hope you know you left behind something beautiful. Something that I will treasure my whole life. Something that I will always remember whenever I feel like I’m walking all alone and have nowhere to go.

I know I’m never alone.

I want to quote from one of my favorite poet, Rabindranath Tagore; a line that now will forever reminds me of you:

…Even so, in death the same unknown will appear as ever known to me. And because I love this life, I know I shall love death as well. 

You left behind a beautiful flower road for me to walk along. And I hope you know you meant something to many hearts that have the chance to encounter with you through your works.

And because of that, I want to remember you as a friend.

Somewhere in this scary, infinite universe, I want to believe you finally find the happiness you’ve been longing every second of your life.

Happy 111th birthday, Dazai Osamu!

[mamatschi]

...Even so, in death the same unknown will appear as ever known to me. And because I love this life, I know I shall love death as well.

Rabindranath Tagore, Collected Poems and Plays of Rabindranath Tagore

[mamatschi]

Part ways or together,  I believe the red string that ties us will never be cut off. Just the way we were born as who we are today to know the people that we know today, Friends that crossed paths with us, everyone that you said hello and goodbye to, As long as you're still walking here on Earth, Then it's safe for you to say that we're tied by faith And it will stay like that until then; until the universe itself pull us away to the infinite unknown.

A Goodbye Lullaby to Calm The Man; sd 2020

[mamatschi]

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” - Lao Tzu

[mamatschi]

If one day I came back in a new body, in another lifetime, I will look for you again. Repeat the history, again. Get hurt, fall down, and be crazy in love again. Be ready to lose you again. If one day I came back in a new body, in another lifetime, I'd repeat history with you, and find a way to keep you, a little longer than before.

If One Day... (mamatschi)

[mamatschi]

sometimes i just want to go back to the past. and tell myself to stop being such a soft person to everyone, even to the ones who hurt me. sometimes i just want to go back to the past, and tell myself that it's okay to think about myself first.

i wish i was braver.

[mamatschi]

I hate that I always give everything for people that mean a lot to me, but never get that back.

[mamatschi]

I guess even how gentle you broke someone’s heart, it leaves scars. And even you give everything to someone you love, it will never be enough.

We always end up broken hearted, yet somehow we still believed that there’s someone out there, that can heal all the pain of our pasts.

[mamatschi]

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters (via books-n-quotes)

[mamatschi]

Books are not made to be believed, but to be subjected to inquiry. When we consider a book, we mustn’t ask ourselves what it says but what it means…

Umberto Eco, The Name of the Rose (via books-n-quotes)

[mamatschi]

…… Maybe we all are shooting stars falling to fulfill someones wish …….

[mamatschi]

Please never forget me. One day we'll meet at the train station, again, but with no deep feelings at all. Only joy, happiness. One day we'll go again with the same train we used to go with together, sitting on that one spot on the left corner of the train, beside the window. Our eyes will wander again trying to see through the stormy rain. One day we'll meet again, even though we're not together anymore. One day I want to meet you again as a friend. One day I want to talk to you again as a good friend. And on the day we meet again, I wish we both have the happiness we deserve. One day. One day.

One Day In The Future, s.d.

[mamatschi]

Pluck flower, pluck, Does he love me, Does he love me not, Petals fall down Place love in fate’s hands.

Petals || calg

[mamatschi]

No, you’re not a bad person…and I’m not a bad person. We’re just people, and people sometimes do stupid things.

Francesca Zappia, Made You Up (via books-n-quotes)

[mamatschi]

Sometimes I feel awfully tired. Sometimes I want to drop myself from extreme heights Sometimes I want everyone to notice, I'm not that strong Sometimes I imagine my own funeral where people probably faking cry and told people how close they were with me Sometimes I wonder what will  the world be when I'm gone Sometimes now turns to every millisecond of my life. Because every second I wasted living I imagined bad things that would've happen to me. (come in if you dare, come walk straight to the darkest hole you'll find me on my knees praying to God to take away my pain come in, even if it's only for me to see you walk away because the moment you find me i am your worst nightmare)

Sometimes | (sd;10/10/18)

[mamatschi]

As all edelweiss started to rise when the sun comes up you look back at me you smiled "Come," as you pull me up and up as we were walking towards the sun to the mountain top The moment we stepped on the mountain top Both of us paralyzed Staring down below "The world is under our feet," I whispered as I hold your hands tighter You smiled at me And as the sun is fully rose You said: "This is how aspire to be in your eyes," you look at me -"Mesmerizing, paralyzing," you stopped for a moment. "and unforgettable."

Never Forget Me Wherever You Are; sd - 0:08