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malwake2 · 6 years ago

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Now that I have graduated, I think that I am finally able to reflect on my past two years. I have told everybody several times the wonderful experiences I have had but I never really have had the opportunity to tell about the things that have really bothered me and never was able to address without sounding like a whiny bitch. So I’m about to do that right now. Warning: This is a long post. I will have a too long; didn’t read at the bottom but that kinda undermines a bit.

PEER MENTOR RANT:

Coming into the Honors College has been rough for me, not only because of the transition into college and the rigor of the Honors Program, but because of the negative externalities I was facing. I get depressed easily whenever I feel alone. And coming into this program, I really felt like I was alone. Now that wouldn’t be too much of an issue, but I didn’t have a helping hand like my fellow cohort members did.

We all had Peer Mentors who were supposed to be there and help us throughout our first year. Me with my luck, managed to get the short end of the stick. My mentor gave up on me within two weeks because our schedules conflicted and I got a new one who just met once and never maintained contact with me again. Again, wouldn’t be too much of an issue but it hurt so much seeing how my peers were developing meaningful relationships with their mentors and I wasn’t able to at all.

I never got any help with my essays during English 1301. I never had someone help me make important decisions regarding my courses. I never had anyone to talk to about personal dilemmas. I never had anyone who would help integrate me into the Honors Community. I never had anyone to provide me motivational support whenever I was feeling low. I never had anyone surprise me with a gift during the holiday season (that one really hurt btw. I avoided the honors lounge during finals week of December because I really did envy the lack of a mutual relationship with a mentor and giving gifts :’( ). I NEVER HAD ANYONE TO SUPPORT ME.

Sure my “friends” (more like acquaintances at the time) were there, but I lacked the intimate support that everyone else got and just feeling the lack of it in comparison really did negatively affect me. I felt so alone during my first semester.

SOCIAL GATHERINGS RANT:

I did have trouble integrating with the Honors Community because I didn’t have a mentor to guide me in, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try to become more integrated either. After a research conference during my first semester (GCIC), almost all the honors peeps from North Harris went to Coco Crepes. BUT, I did not receive a single invite or was told about it. I helped moderate the conference, so I had to stay late, so I didn’t leave early. I actually went and asked some people what they were going to do afterwards but they didn’t know at the time. Well, at one point, all of the people from North Harris disappeared and I was left alone with my other friends from the University Park campus. I wondered where the NH people went off to but my UP friends told me they went to go eat somewhere. I didn’t find out till later when I saw a group photo posted that they all went to Coco Crepes. I heard stories about that night later about how much fun it was for the people that went. But no one thought about inviting me at all. Nobody. Not even the people I asked earlier. I was honestly hurt so much.

But that wasn’t the only time that happened to me. During our annual system cultural event, a Panto Play, all of the people from North Harris left half way to go do an escape room together. They planned the escape room thing in advance and I wasn’t even thought about once again. I was left behind with my University Park friends (who also happened to be my high school friends) who also saw how messed up it was that they left me behind. I was literally the only one left behind from NH and it hurt so bad.

But again, there were several of these moments throughout my first year in the Honors College. No one ever thought about inviting me even though I made an effort to try to integrate myself into the community. Every single time something like this happened, it felt like a bit spit in my face and all of the “progress” I thought I was making felt invalidated.

I was always forgotten and wasn’t really anyone’s first choice when it came to these things.

OTHER THINGS (I don’t know how to categorize):

I don’t know why, but I am always constantly looking to be accepted by people. It’s just how I have been since I was young. And after being along for a while, I begin to get sad for no apparent reason. That’s why I enjoy being out with others and interacting because it makes me feel better and that I belong to something.

For my most recent birthday back in September of 2017, I just wanted to go out with friends so I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t want the center of attention, I just wanted to be out with my friends so I wouldn’t become depressed about having another lonely birthday like all the other birthdays of my life. Well we did have a dinner but it felt so forced and almost didn’t happen. That day honestly was stressful and didn’t even feel natural because of how forced it was at the end. I appreciate my friends that did end up going but I honestly felt that I wasn’t important enough to other people :(

Also.... Several people did end up completely forgetting about my birthday so there’s that.

TL;DR

-I didn’t have a peer mentor and was affected negatively by just seeing how much my peers were beneffiting from their mentors with help, support, friendship, etc.

-I was never invited or thought about at all when ever social gatherings took place during my first year in the Honors College.

-My birthdays have always sucked

Seriously. I was never though about that much during the first year. I was the odd one out and it hurt so much.

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malwake2 · 7 years ago

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Growth

I literally almost teared up yesterday. It is truly something else when people start cheering for you. I still do not know exactly why they cheered but it just shows how I much I feel like I have grown in these past few years.

Ever since elementary school, I have always stayed quiet and never talked to anyone. I would just focus on schoolwork, homework, and spending time with my family. Sure, people have talked to me, but I never really belonged to a friend group. I literally never went out of my way to talk to anyone. It wasn’t until 10th grade where I became part of a “friend group” but even then I was kind of taken in by the people rather than me choosing myself. Eventually I started to look and create a friend group that I could actually call close friends. It wasn’t until the missing piece arrived in 12th grade when that close friend group formed.

The reason I am mentioning all of these past experiences is to just show how I have been socially-inept for my entire life. I was just never exposed to how much friends really do matter. And I literally did not start considering girls as friends until my first semester in college because I have had no prior experience talking with them before, like ever (That’s partially why I am still really awkward to talk to btw. I am still learning to this day).

But these last two years have been really influential for me because I feel like I belong to a group that I can trust. There have been times I feel that I am still alone, but that goes away whenever I see my friends. That is the reason why I stay at school for the entirety of the day. I tend to get sad when I get alone, which is kind of surprising considering that I have never had friends for the majority of my life and it never bothered me back then. In some ways, I have become a bit emotionally unstable but I would much rather it be this way than me being like a robot before.

And yeah, there are times where I honestly do question if I am really a part of this bigger group of friends because I do feel forgotten sometimes but I understand that not every single thing can accomodate everyone and that is the mindset I am sticking with. But yesterday was great because I honestly feel that I have socially grown and mean something to people rather than just being that “one smart quiet kid.”

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