makida

[makida]

2023 recap

My 2023 was a year full of plot twists

Jan: my last trip with my (then) bf to Bali, rejoined my previous company

Feb: my 1st photoshoot campaign as project lead 

Mar: unexpectedly fun family trip to Singapore

Apr: I went to 4 doctors (specialists) to discover that I have PCOS, dermatitis atopic, & was a suspect with BPD (I am in great shape now)

May: planned the Japan trip with my (then) bf

Jun: 1st time tried laser for my hopeless acne journey

Jul: last time celebrate my (then) bf's birthday (I'm glad I gave my best for the last time as I had always done)

Aug: well this is gonna be long because it's where the plot twist began......

I turned 30. Yay! Welcome to Dirty Thirty 2 weeks later, I broke up from an (almost) 8-year relationship Cried myself to sleep every night until... on the 12th day (closure) I told myself to stop crying and move on (which I did) & never cried anymore ever since 

Sept: where my endless lucks started coming (& still do) I started getting things I had been manifesting I finally got a chance to join the Barbie run Moved on from my ex (wow that was fast) & had an impromptu (the shortest yet the best) trip to Bali to meet Ty for only 2 days but he managed to speak 5 love languages

Oct: 1st time I gave the worst 1st impression to a nice guy I just met for the 1st time.

Nov: 1st time both solo traveling & traveling to Japan I still got all the luck. Left me with dozens of lovely stories Turned out I was so love with solo travel & did promise myself to do it regularly

Dec: had the worst skin condition ever, not give up. Still love me much for who I am. Made it to the end of 2023 being the strongest version of me surrounded by the best support systems

[makida]

you are so ironic for being platonic

M

[makida]

-

I thought I was great at loving someone. Oh I was wrong.

Your mouth can say yes even when your heart says the other way around.

I thought my love was huge enough to make the person I love happy and feel enough loved. Again I was wrong.

You can hide your feelings by putting your biggest smile in your face, but it is your eyes that cannot lie. 

I thought by loving someone so much would make his love remain mutual. Again and again I was wrong.

//

I often wonder...

Is it my love that is not big enough, or yours that starts fading?

Is it me who love you more, or you who love me less?

Tell me cause I’m no mind reader. 

I have been so afraid of losing you, now I end up losing myself. 

[makida]

an open letter to my partner

dear kekasihku,

let’s take a look at a minor throwback where Christmas season came on 2015 and I kept playing, singing and meaning “Santa Tell Me” song by Ariana Grande.

Santa tell me if you’re really there.. don’t make me fall in love again if he won’t be here next year.

Santa tell me if he really cares.. cause I can’t give it all away if he won’t be here next year.

and I couldn’t thank God more I found the missing piece to complete my heart on December 16th, 2015. you were my Christmas present and I have been really grateful ever since. 

it still amazes me how we never spend a day without talking to each other since the very first day you entered my life.. you had me at hello. you really did. you show me that love at the first sight does exist. you clicked my heart. like no one else did.

even before you and I became “Us”..  without you knowing, there were times I doubted myself either I had to keep chasing after you, or walk away and give a chance to another person. but there was always a gravity that pulled me back to you. 

day after day, month after month.

2 years passed by. well, here you still are.

it has been 2 exciting years with someone whose love language is different with me.. I never thought I’d love someone as not romantic as you, like you never thought you’d date someone as bitter as me. good news is universe conspires for our souls to be together. I thank you for the teamwork of not giving up on each other when we have dozens reasons to.

like Rihanna said, “Must be love on the brain..”

ups and downs, fights and laughters, doubts and trusts, mistakes and forgivenesses.. I am confident enough to guarantee that no girl can love you the way I do.

well, enough for the sugarcoated talks, let’s move to another issue.

besides me being what I’ve said above, I am a hopeless romantic with massive insecurity. I overthink and I’m dealing with anxiety.

I do care about what people think about our relationship. I care about what your circle think about me. I make up my own scenarios inside my head about the ‘what-if’s. I’ve been wondering and seeking for something that can possibly convince me that you love me.

it affects my mood. I require a huge amount of attention on daily basis. I demand much from you. I am an idealist for love.

sad truth, every time I confess, I am looking for the feedback from you. but all I get is nothing. you don’t say much, not even enough to answer my least wonder. you may not like drama, but I like certainty. I need reassurance. yes, reassurance; the actions of removing my doubts and fears.

I need to know that I am not the one who wants this relationship to work.

I need to know that I am not the one who wants to fight for us.

I need to know that I am not the one who wants a further assurance.

....

[makida]

confession

“which one is worse? to be broken or to break someone’s heart?”

I’ve experienced both. being broken and breaking someone’s heart.

I never felt this horrible as a human being until what I did to the one whom I love the most. yes, I broke his heart and trust.

“how could you break his heart if you loved him so much?”

I am too hypocritical. I wrote an article about there is no excuse for cheating in relationship. but I did cheat on my partner, and worse, I cheated with my past lover. and second worse thing is now I’m trying to giving excuses to defend myself. 

I am sorry. I really am, darling. this is not the kind of sorry because I got caught.

instead, this is the kind of sorry because I regret what I did. I never thought I could do such a thing to someone whom I’ve been crazy in love with.

“why you did what you did?”

my partner had me at hello. I’ve been in love with him ever since.

it’s turning 2 years on December. no love is perfect. no relationship is perfect.

temptations don’t stop coming. what makes it difference is, either we give them access to get in or close it tightly.

I’m the kind of girl who craves for validations every now and then.

someone else gave it to me, and I accepted it. there was the war began.

the war between lust and trust. 

sometimes I miss the idea of someone, and just because I miss the idea of them, doesn’t mean I really miss the person. 

“trust is like paper, once it’s crumbled, it will never be perfect again”

I know words won’t give his trust back, but time will, even it won’t be the same.

but I prefer to analogise his trust as an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller for every mistake I make, but it won’t get smaller if I do no mistake. 

I do really love my partner. those feelings I put in words about him were real.

he is the only person I give my all to, without him asking.

he is one of a kind.

he is the one I finally don’t wanna live without.

-

sayang, despite the times I doubt your love towards me, you are the best partner I was lucky to find.

[makida]

"you are something"

my phone was ringing, it's my ex calling.

----

x: how are you? I miss you so much.

*classic*

m: not so good but I am fine, or.. I'll be fine.

x: can we meet? I miss you so much that I just wanna spend some time with you.

*classic 2.0*

m: geez. why? I am seeing someone. plus you're having girlfriend already.

x: yea I know, but you are something, you know. you're not like the others. you are something.

m: aw...bullshit. still. I can't

---

I get more insecure of my boyfriend.

what if he's just like the others.

who keep coming back to their ex.

or even treating other girls.

[makida]

A Letter for My Lover

Dear A.Z,

I never wanted anyone so much until I got to know you

I never loved anyone so much until your skin touched mine

I never needed anyone so much until you said 'I love you'

Even....

I hate how you remain lovable with your ridiculous gestures

I hate how acceptable you are for not being romantic at all

I hate how I couldn't stop giving kisses you always avoid

After all...

I never thought love was this real until I got a chance to love you

I never thought love mattered this much until being with you became a need

I never thought love hurt this bad until you put me under certain circumstances

...

I wrote this for you

Without exaggeration

...

This evening was like a realization of how insecure I have been

for being afraid of competing with other women getting your attention and affection.

for demanding too much from you every now and then to become my idea of lover.

for never being ready of losing you since I want your hugs and kisses on daily basis.

But...

I love the way you throw jokes even when I don't feel like laughing

I love the feeling of waking up next to you sensing your presence

I love the idea of being happy doesn't need flowers and fancy dress

...

This letter is both my gratitude and apologize for such a girl I've become for the past one year.

Ps: I miss you 

Love,

M

February 12th, 2017

[makida]

I have listened to I try by Macy Gray for so long..

but there was one day when I listened to this song and the lyrics really hit me in the heart.

I was having crush on someone, I really really really liked him.

and there were times I wanted to stop chasing on him.

but there was always something that made me stay as well.

that someone is my current significant other. I still love him. 

I never love him less anyway.

this song has been my favorite song ever since.

[makida]

change

“I don’t want to. he’s appealing to both my eyes and heart in the first place and I fell in love with his personality ever since.” I answered.

he’s my person, my favorite person.

the kind of guy I never get tired looking at

the kind of guy I never get sick thinking of

the kind of guy I never get bored talking to

he’s still my person, my favorite person.

both my kryptonite and spell

both my night and day

both my yin and yang

he really is my person, my favorite person.

despite the shrinking laughter

despite the undefined silence

despite the insignificant anger

“you seem love me less” I told him.

and I notice...

he stops doing what he used to do.

he starts being what he never was.

“I’ve never been this insecure” I let him know.

and I realize, I want it too much while he doesn’t want it enough.

one way or another, this is what’s gonna destroy me in the end.

[makida]

It's relieving but it's weighing. Such a paradox. And one way or another he's gonna come to reach again. I gotta be prepared, all the time.

[makida]

why

why am I so in love?

why am I so in love with his mind, body and soul?

why do I feel safe?

why do I feel safe just by sensing his presence even when he’s not around?

why am I so in love?

why am I so in love with his words both sweet and morbid?

why do I feel safe?

why do I feel safe just by hearing his breath even when he’s sleeping?

[makida]

I still am

M: so here's the guy I used to love *introducing X to H*

H: why did you guys break up?

X: long distance relationship

M: really??!

X: I went back to SG. Don't you remember you came with me to the airport?

M: lol I showed up in front of your house without even knowing your address to surprise you

X: yash! That's you, loving someone so much and do such things the sake of theirs. And you're still you.

[makida]

//

Love comes in many forms

sometimes you just don’t get the hint

people won’t always tell you what they feel, they show you.

simply pay attention.

-

“man has always been your kryptonite” she said

“I’ve never liked someone way this much before” I replied

no. it’s neither a bullshit nor a hypothetical statement.

a person feels. feeling is something we have not something we are.

-

the person,

not the kind of guy who likes to romanticize things

not the kind of guy whose spoken words are sweet

but

he’s the kind of guy I never get bored talking to

he’s the kind of guy I never get tired looking at

the way he throws a jokes and becomes sarcastic

the way he frankly says things and knows everything

he’s not a prince charming, he’s a masterpiece instead

he’s not a toxic, he’s a remedy instead

being with him is addictive

falling for him is inevitable

-

“you always fall for someone who is confident and only values himself.” she said

I froze, that was the moment I realized she was dead right and has been noticing.

“you know what you’re doing? worship his existence to the ground” she added

-

it feels utterly good being with someone whose feelings are mutual

someone who’s willing to fight for each other.

balance is needed.

I used to think we had it.

oh I was wrong.

-

being with the right person matters most

you cannot define it in words yet the feeling itself tells a lot.

I used to think he felt so.

ah I was wrong again.

-

I want it too much but he doesn’t want it enough.

[makida]

[makida]

you always give your all to the person you love. you’ve always been. that’s not how it’s played, babe. what you’re doing, is good for the person but not good for you.

past lover // April 18, 2016

[makida]