madness-of-foxes-blog

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

All I want to do is sleep. I work, come home, try to find pleasure in activities I used to thrive on. I quickly give up, and sleep until I have to go to work again in the morning.

Thinking about greatly restricting my diet, because I'm mysteriously gaining weight. I want to go back to counting my ribs, but I don't want to lose my ass.

Been browsing thinspo on Tumblr.

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

Entry 5: Two weeks later... Or three?

August 10, the past two weeks have been mostly positive. Depression has been down dramatically, anxiety and OCD, however, have been high, and I’ve been haunted by the looming feeling of impending doom. I dread, hate, going to work more and more every day, and if I weren’t under contract, I’d deuce out without a two weeks notice. Fuck those petty mother fuckers! They disappoint me more and more every day, they should carry themselves with more respect, should show more leadership values. Their values are pathetic.

The scariest part of having any sort of a happy period, is not knowing when it’ll crash. And it crashed. Hard. Tuesday my anxiety hit a high, so I got some Taco Bell (my ultimate comfort/depression food!), and decided to go home and go straight to bed. But every time I rolled over and tried to sleep, I was haunted by thoughts of my Dad, and traumatic childhood memories of domestic abuse. So instead, I sat up playing with my phone, even reading wasn’t enough to keep my mind drawn.

This struggle continued for six hours or so. I had balled up the blankets and hidden my face away, which sent all the memories of me waking up in bed with my Mom clutching me, while my Dad yelled and screamed at her about whatever he was mad at (usually she didn’t suck his dick enough, she was too fat, she treated him like a “nigger”, something something something I’d rather not remember), and I was left to hide my face and covering my ears trying to cry myself back to sleep. Upon seeing this, my Dad would scream at me to uncover my ears and listen to it because I guess he felt like I needed to listen to all the ways he felt my mother had done him wrong? Or maybe it was his revenge on my Mom?

Luckily, my boyfriend returned home (I was crashing at his place in my emotionally weakened state), shortly after and calmed me down until I fell asleep.

Now I’m just kind of here, waiting out the week... Trying to cling to shreds of joy and positivity, and remember the point of life.

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

13th Doctor

I am a feminist, and I’m glad the 13th Doctor will be a female because...

It has nothing to do with feminism, equality, or empowering women, there are a plethora of strong, female leads popping up in nerd culture, there’s just no reason the Doctor shouldn’t, at some point, have an interstellar vagina!

Let the petty little children suck it up.

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

20 July, 2017: I already forgot what number it was- 4?

After my Tuesday entry, I took my girls to the dog park and let them run wild in the dark while I meditated, and it really put me where I needed to be, mentally. So I did better yesterday. Still, I was up too late, and slept all day after work.

Today, Wednesday, did a nutrition class, which made me realize why I’ve probably started gaining weight so rapidly suddenly. I eat a PB&J for breakfast, and once or twice a week a get fast food for dinner. And that’s it. Weekends, I eat out with the boyfriend. Living alone with depression makes you forget to feed yourself (roommate works a different shift, husband is working abroad right now).

Got a sit down at work because my mental status has reflected on my behavior at work, but I told my supervisor I’d clean myself up. Was told to stop wearing PJs to work before putting on my uniform, because no one knows the difference between harem pants and PJs, because no one has any style, okay?!

But I’m doing okay. I turn 27 tomorrow. Woo!

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

Entry 3: So much for daily entries *eye roll*

*S = boyfriend, *Ph = female friend

As predicted, the weekend was explosive anyway. Saturday was mild overall, but I had to have *S escort me for grocery shopping, and it was still a nerve-racking experience. The moment we stepped through the doors, it all sunk in. The shuffling of feet, the muttering of voices around us, beeping of registers, shifting of products, wailing of infants, children pleading, “mama, I wanna go play my neen-teen-do”. What’s a girl to do but take it out on her 6′6″ boyfriend as he, for the third time in the trip, makes the joke about not being able to reach the top shelf?

Naps, a homemade lunch, and snuggles made everything better. Went out later to visit with  *Ph, only to find out she, also in a depression, wanted to get donuts. So off we went on a 30 minute adventure. Despite our disappointment to find the joint was closed for the day, we had a fun outing, the fun, carefree spontaneity of it soothed some of the aching in me.

Sunday was a girls day that I wanted to bail on so, so badly. But I kept to it as part of my “stop being a fucking flake” initiative, and did my best to keep in the moment. It was a challenge perhaps I wasn’t ready for, because at the end of the day, after we all parted ways, I broke down in an angry depression, determined that everyone involved with me hated me. And I knew in every second of it I sounded just like my dad, and I hated myself even more for that. I cried, and felt sick for it all through Monday.

Monday was a haze. I slept immediately after work. Woke up to spend time with my roomie watching Moana and painting, probably the only thing that truly soothes me deep down.

Today, Tuesday I did... Okay. Anxiety. Bleh. Improvement. Trying not to feed my OCD. I talked to one of my docs today. He says I won’t be my dad, he says that’s impossible. I’m not sure I believe him. I did tell him at the end of the session about the tokophobia and OCD returning. He seemed interested in discussing that more next time. He thinks we can nail something down. Put me on a non-controlled sleep-aid because I mentioned trouble sleeping since going off of Prozac, I dunno if it’s worth mentioning. Don’t remember what it is, don’t feel like fetching the bottle.

He also wants me to think about Zoloft, which made me cry. It makes me cry, because I feel so pathetic, and so trapped. Why can’t I just be like everyone else that functions without these medications? I don’t want to be on more medications, but I’m tired of feel so disastrous.

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

Entry 2: July 14, 2017

Friday Anxiety spikes all over the place. All I wanted to do during my pre-work gym group was contemplate the futility of life. It all leads to the same end result, guys! Bleh. Made pancakes for the guys at work, to do something nice for them, and try to pick myself up. Dunno if it help.

More of the outbursts in my head, but they’re becoming more varied and more externally vocalized when I’m alone.

“No one likes you.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re annoying.”

“Fuck up.”

Practiced my usual methods of controlling anxiety spikes; walking around, counting random numbers (39, 58, 72, 66, 13- requires more thought than counting to 10), snapping my fingers, mild hand twitch.

Afraid that this downward trend will continue for the weekend- and I had a girl’s day and a D&D session planned! *Cry*

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

Entry 1: July 13, 2017

*S = boyfriend, *bro = brother, *sis = brother’s wife, *C = best (childhood) friend

Saturday and Sunday were rough. I stayed home alone, having depressed and angry mood swings. Roomie was at her boyfriend’s, Sunday evening S* came over and did his best to keep me calm. I felt awful that he was exposed to that, but he didn’t walk out, and I made sure he knew how much I appreciated that.

Monday started a dramatic upswing. Suddenly happy, bubbly, excited. Spent all afternoon after playing Blackwake with bro, sis, and  C*.

Tuesday was a lust for constant movement and activity, including speed on the road, though I was careful not to go more than 10 over. Can’t afford a ticket, don’t want anyone to get hurt. It’s almost frightening. The excessive activity in my head makes it hard to keep up, which stirs my OCD. “Did I do that? Did I forgot to do that? When the actual hell did that get there?” With so much going on in my head, my anxiety pops up a lot more often as well.

By Wednesday I can sense a slowdown, a perfect level. Why can’t every day be so?~

This is all I can recap, I’m bad at remembering days, which is why I’m going to start writing daily. It’s easier to tell the docs what’s going on with me if I can actually remember the last two weeks. Why I decided to keep a journal in the first place.

Thursday, today. I’m groggy, I’ve been restless lately, and it’s catching up. Dunno if it’s the up mood, or change in meds that’s caused my turbulent relationship with my bed- we used to be great lovers. I don’t want to look at any of these people’s ugly mugs at work, but it goes well.

I notice more problematic symptoms of my OCD popping up. Checked my stove three times, my door lock only twice. Those aren’t too troublesome. The problems come when I hit a small pothole, and almost hit a car while trying to make sure it’s not a kitten, even though it didn’t look like a bloody kitten to begin with, you twat.

But I don’t want to go back on a medication to control my OCD, because my OCD is what keeps my finances in check. Piddling about in the store for an extra thirty seconds to three minutes per item, weighing whether or not I actually need it pays off, my debt before and after prozac proves that much...

I’ve started repeating that shitastic phrase in my head again, “nobody likes you”, which I know is untrue. It bursts out of no where, it’s not something I mean to say internally to myself, or that I can stop from coming since I don’t foresee it. It goes to other phrases when I drift into depression, but comes out into the same manner. My doc has asked if I hear voices, but I’m fairly certain that’s not what he’s referring to since I don’t recognize it as foreign, but rather my own internal monologue, so I’ve not brought it up.

Sometimes I randomly burst out with words or short phrases like that, usually alone, but when depressed it might happen in front of others. I don’t find it concerning, I know it’s nothing like tourettes since, to my knowledge, it’s triggered by a reaction to a physical convulsion. When extremely stressed or anxious they come out as absurd noises rather, like mews or chicken squawks.

Gawd, I hate the HCTZ. It makes me pee constantly. And I’m still getting headaches.

[madness-of-foxes-blog]

Myself and purpose

Hello, to Tumblr, to the public, and to my personal journal. We’re about to take a journey into my personal adventure in dealing with mental illness. I’ve chosen to make this public to help bring awareness to mental illness.

Long story short, since 2015 I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, persistent depression, and bipolar disorder. Now, I’ve had several different doctors, each pinning me with a different type of bipolar disorder, the most recent has actually decided it’s not bipolar, but cyclothymia. But maybe I’ve not been completely honest with them because of my current occupation. But I’ll be quitting in a few months and returning home, so I can open up more then.

I’ve been on Prozac for treatment of OCD since 2015, but recently stopped taking it without consulting my doctor because I thought OCD was probably something that I could control since it was out of my system, right? I’m seeing old symptoms reappear, though not to the old extreme. We’ll see if it continues to get worse.

Now I’m on Topamax for cyclothymia (or whatever my next doctor will determine it is). I’m also on HCTZ because my new doc said it’d help with the mood swings I’ve been having, but he’s been pushing it for the past few months to help with the lady pains I told him I don’t have. I finally got tired of having to say no. *insert eye roll*

Oh, and I’m a recovering tocophobe. Fear of childbirth. Fear of becoming pregnant. This used to cause me to starve myself, daily panic attacks. It took years to get to the point that I am with it. It’s all still pretty cringeworthy. I’ve had some relapses recently. Can’t stand the sight of someone’s bulged stomach.

-Who am I?

As I said, I’ll change occupations in a few months. For now, I’ll remain relatively annoymous. But I want to create a positive face for mental health, and show people what it actually looks like. So I’ll come out with who I actually am then. Sometimes my illnesses do define me- and I’m not afraid of that.

Name- Fox, Age- 27

I paint, read, practice all around nerdism- yes, I have a 20-sided die, and I know how to use it. I wear a fursuit to anime cons, and dance at the raves. I’m going to move home with my brother in a year, be his drummer, and take a few months off to travel the glove (or at least Europe), snapping photos to kick off a travel blog.

I grew up on a beach, homeschooled by old hippies, suffered the trauma of an alcoholic father that I still can’t help but love, because he’s my dad. I’ve swam in the Atlantic at night, and rafted the Nantahala River. I’ve worked retail, kitchens, and I’ve turned wrenches, pumped hydraulic fluid, and replaced landing gear on commercial-sized aircraft. I’ve made poor relationship choices, and turned down all the right guys because I was scared, or hung up on the wrong guy because he was hot.

Now I’m married happily, polyamorous as well, dating a fantastic guy. Yes, my husband knows. Yes, we all have breakfast or dinner together on occasion, it’s nice.

I’m opinionated, an independent thinker, feminist, vegan, and believe strongly in free love.