maddithinks

[maddithinks]

it’s really important to me that i’m able to fall in love and wake up early and make myself breakfast and think about my future.

everything has changed since i was 14

[maddithinks]

something i wrote; 9/16/22

I reread it today and fear I may not make anything truer

‘You say you hate me and all that i did to you, all the manipulation and all the crying and not allowing you in my future or my present nonetheless leaving you in my past and i tell you it was foolish to put all your eggs in one basket especially when that basket was nothing more than a weaving of thorns and leaves and knives a crown suit for a king who’s only goal is tyranny and you think it’s because he’s only out to hurt you and i tell you it’s because he wants to save you and you spit in my face and i kiss you on the mouth and a month later think you should go fuck yourself and i think all these mean and horrendous thoughts but he’s going to save me he’ll save all of us and i’m sorry for not being your linen basket and i’m sorry i was never meant to be a nest and i’m sorry i’m nothing but a crown upon his head made of thorns drawing blood his hair left on me and i take it and i treasure it and i know i wouldn’t do that for you.

i swear i would never do that for you.’

[maddithinks]

I sat with my mother

I sat with my mother

I sat with my mother as she drew

She sat on my bed as she replicated a photo

As she rediscovered art

Rediscovered a part of her I knew I took

I sat with my mother

I sat with my mother as I asked what was on her mind

She sat on my bed and told me to stop worrying about her

I looked at her eyes, distant and somewhere else

I told her I could never do that

I sat with my mother

I sat with my mother as I felt something in me heal

Something I thought was broken long ago

I sat with my mother

I sat with my mother as she told me about the wrong in my head

She sat on my bed as she told me how she blamed her mother for hers

I felt it break again

I didn’t tell her I did the same

[maddithinks]

folklore month everyone who wants to be my secret romance that inevitably ends in hurt 😇

[maddithinks]

A dream

Let my eyes

Feel your hands

Let your hands

See my hips

Let your lips

Meet mine

And hold me tighter

Before I wake from the bliss

[maddithinks]

Muse

let me be your muse

a doodle on your paper

a sketch in your notebook

i wish to know how you see me

i need to know if you see me at all

your soft hair

your smile

your witty remarks

your horrible sleep schedule 

sleepless nights leading to afternoon mornings

while i’ve spent the dawn daydreaming of you

and the way your hands hold that pencil

the way you should hold me

it all sets you in my mind

in my writing 

you are my muse

[maddithinks]

I think the lack of hugging in my life is a serious problem and i need to be held in someone's arms asap

[maddithinks]

“Self love is hard to fake and even harder to do. I just wanna keep letting mean words out of me. So maybe I’ll listen to them and change.”

7/28/22

[maddithinks]

“To make a human connection is to trust and be trusted. Am I capable of that? Or worse, am I even deserving?”

7/27/22

[maddithinks]

“But I’m drowned in raw emotion from him. I can’t help but imagine absolute domestic bliss and a life with him.

Something tells me I need it.

Something else says I can’t have it.

Why do I allow my heart to be so cruel to itself? Why do I allow myself to imagine his hands around my waist and indulge in the guilty pleasure of a kiss as he pulls away?”

7/26/22

[maddithinks]

“I would speak into each trench inside our vast oceans and every star in our night sky and simply ask,

‘Do you love him?’

And the trenches would grow a little deeper while the stars shone a little brighter and both of these things respond with,

‘As much as the sun loves each flower, and the moon loves the earth. As humanity loves discovery and the poet loves the pen. Yes, I love him.’

And I would hear the echo loud and clear.”

7/25/22

[maddithinks]

“I am willing to work for my happiness & self love & whatever helps future me. Because I love her. I don’t have to love me today, but I know when the sun rises again I’ll be okay, and I can at least start liking her.”

7/24/22

[maddithinks]

“I want to feel deserving of the love I receive. And I want to be less stingy with the love I give.”

7/23/22

[maddithinks]

“Being loved hurts more than loving. Being crucified with kind words & loving looks is the worst death.”

7/22/22