lunamoonprincessss

[lunamoonprincessss]

i wanted you happy

and if your happy is without me

please

don't feel bad for my cramping chest

never mind my anxiety feeling more like cardiac arrest

it hurts and bruises my soul

my soul that was orange

your love that was green

it would always take over me

but in some weird way our silly little colors would sometimes make gold

[lunamoonprincessss]

but i am empty as a black hole

colder than outer space

and sadder than i've ever been

[lunamoonprincessss]

loving you like this

it’s like taking poison in increments

it won’t kill you but it will make you wish you were dead

[lunamoonprincessss]

i just feel really bad about this all

toothache in my chest kind of thing

the kind when you lie and you hide from me

why do i deserve anything?

i just wanted a happy family

you keep breaking the dream

that i keep trying to build

i just want to be happy with you

hand in hand

lucky and obsessed with each other

and just so incredibly grateful

and so incredibly thankful

that we finally made it out

on the days when we are more like a tan

like our skin

i love this color on him

he has the softest eyes in the world if you let him love you

i miss those eyes

all of the time

[lunamoonprincessss]

and i was the beta test

for a beautiful love that could never be

but still you swirled my feelings

and toyed with my heart

you poked and prodded at my venerable parts

you liked me broken

and at the time

i thought it meant i was your art

that you would put me back together with bandaids and tape

that you had no problem with hearing all of my silly impulse mistakes

that you liked the way my mind would run

and that you enjoyed to chase

you couldn't control me

or pin me down

maybe that scared you

that i was not practical enough

just honestly, too much

that you would see a whole universe in me

and then next

be sitting in the dark

with stones covering your hardened heart

to me this was simple

to me i would gladly pick them apart

i would go searching for the love you gave and then suddenly snatched away

like a child in the dark

looking for someone that is just out of reach

or suddenly going invisible to everyone

i was beta test 11-01.

[lunamoonprincessss]

he doesn’t read my poetry

nobody does nowadays

i feel lost in time

like i am easy to erase and replace

i pray that you truly are happy with her

because i would have broken my bones just to be her

she’s so lucky

i hope she knows

i hope you both know

that love is something green from you

and if you find someone sweet like tangerine

you may make gold someday

[lunamoonprincessss]

They told me to stop listening to that song.

and i will. hopefully.

it’s my birthday today. not that it actually means anything, but to me it does. two words i don’t like hearing. all these people start crawling from the woodworks. like they care. at least they care enough to say something. i used to care enough to say something when i was drowning. i’m losing that habit. nobody will read this. so why does it feel like I should brush over what i actually want to say. i lose someone important every year of my life since 2018. that’s what it’s been like. some years i lose the same person twice over…i just love ‘‘em that much. or it’s just the ptsd thing. this year was no different. in fact i lost a few people. i don’t like birthdays. i cried all morning. i wished they would all come back like some sick prank and say, “it’s going to actually be happy birthday.” no mourning. no waiting. no anxious. no pain. no loneliness. oh you don’t even know what lonely is. i isolate myself all the time…even now. alone. the person i “love” sucks. i deserve better. i think. better has found it’s way to dodge me since my first love and him and hymn after. it’s all blur…but that girl i wrote about years ago? yeah, still love her…just way differently. we dated. it wasn’t good. ended. and she came back to me. friends.

yeah my life is pretty miserable huh?

did you see the shit I wrote for her? how could i ever see her a friend?

is what i think. it’s better that way. regardless of how i see her. I think it’s beautiful that if at any moment we somehow shifted back to the way we were before that my heart would open and heal itself. and i’d love her like a page had never been skipped in our long sad story. I’d love her like before. but with SO much context. i’d love her better. maybe. maybe not.

i’m happy she’s happy and that’s the truth?

Friendship killed me once or twice. Everyone I’ve ever loved had the same silly suggestion after ripping my heart to pieces. I started to put my foot down. Cut those people out of my life not because I hated them no…because I love them. Presently. If I just randomly drop you…I did it for a reason. Reason being I love you, or you hate me. It’s one of the two. At least the other one is up to them.

I caved for her friendship because I thought she was the only friend I really did miss.

I was wrong about that, but I am okay with it. Losing her hurt more.

Losing him hurts more is what I’m learning.

Yeah, there’s a guy. Im tired of thinking about it though. No choice. He’s always around lingering somewhere in my mind. He was. That’s it, he just was. Like everyone before and after him. They all end up in my memory. Because for some losing me is easier.

And they wonder why I have ptsd.

I really wish someone never wanted to lose me.

I really wish I could hear that from someone.

I wished on my cake candles for something along those lines.

But.

I really should stop listening to this song. On repeat. I think of him. And I’m safe somehow. Safe in the memory.

It’s almost embarrassing yet beautiful how I still love people who don’t love me.

[lunamoonprincessss]

I believe that she is full of love.

that love is just not for me. she’s meant to be passionate about any and everything else but me. i am okay with that. i am the same way. i love almost everything, so forcing myself not to love her is just foolish and so unlike me. i will not force anything. i will just live. i love loving things. it’s in my nature. i admire everything, just differently. she reminds me of nature and it’s unspoken beauty. her unpredicatable yet consistent love for things unnoticed is astounding. like a river. she’s like nature, i’ve said.

[lunamoonprincessss]

she’s not simple.

i hope she never will be. she is complicated, confusing, and a bit secretive. that’s okay. i don’t like boring people. she’s special because usually when im with my friends i always need to be doing something with them so we don’t get bored. when we talk talk we don’t go anywhere but the same place. we sit in my car parked at the same spot where we first kissed at the lake. we talk about everything and nothing all at once.

sometimes we are in our school parking lot, or in her driveway, or just-anywhere. the world disappears when we’re together, i love that. it’s a feeling ive never felt. i don’t want to do anything when im with her, i just want to be, to come as i am, and relax.

she does too. that’s why we never do anything else. and it never gets old.

[lunamoonprincessss]

She smiles, and I feel good again.

i know i have to learn how to live without her in my life someday. she’s probably the only person I’ll miss when i leave. she’s so fun, i’ll forget everyone else. it’s not even that she’s exciting or cool-that’s a given.

when we talk it’s just to best thing ever. i feel so calm. most of my anxieties revolve around assuming what she feels. does she hate me? are we friends?

when we talk i have all of the answers. she clears my head.

sometimes it feels like we’re both dead-and we are lucky to have one day a week to meet and talk. we don’t ever do anything but talk and listen to good music.

her problems and mine mush together in this big beautiful mess. we try to make sense of things, but we never have enough time to solve our problems.

time is always moving so quickly when we’re together. i think if we had the choice we would talk for hours at a time still wanting more.

she’s in love with someone else, but i am still caught in th wavelengths of her mind. i want her poetry. i want her words-always.

so we are strangers during the day, and when the night comes we either stay silent and dead-or we talk till midnight.

it’s just what we do.

we are so strange.

we miss each other when we had just talked the day before.

what is it about her that is so addictive?

what is it about me that keeps her intrigued?

why can’t she just leave me after all that has happened?

isn’t that what she’s supposed to do?

isn’t that how cheating works?

you realize you fucked up and you never see the other woman again. you bask in complete happiness and show your lover you need them.

but instead, we can’t keep away from each other. and she said i wasn’t the mistake, even though i know i had to be. if im a conscious reminder of her mistakes how can she want to be stay here with me? why does she still insist on seeing me just to talk for what seems like seconds, when it’s so many hours.

why do we write these things for each other?

i am not the only one writing long paragraphs.

she has them too.

what does this mean?

shouldn’t she be writing about someone she loves, and not someone who she decided not to?

why are we like this?

tell me vo.

[lunamoonprincessss]

she doesn’t love me back.

that doesn’t hurt me anymore.

she is so amazing.

i think that maybe i can be amazing to someone else too.

i just have to find them.

im tired of looking though.

i was so close, that im afraid that the same thing will happen again with someone new.

she gave me so much false hope.

i felt so used.

but now, we are just..

friends.

tell me,

when is it okay to be in love with a friend?

and if you could please,

how do you stop?

[lunamoonprincessss]

she is breathtaking.

most of the time when people love someone they can describe everything about that person.

her scent is what i can’t describe. she smells like herself. she dresses like herself. she smiles...oh, when she smiles.

it is just, it is just everything. it’s so cute-god, im gushing and really shouldn’t be. i should be getting ready to leave the house. ill be seeing her soon actually. but her girlfriend will be there too. we don’t really know how to exist when other people are around. it’s best when we’re alone. i love that about us. we could be together for hours and it will seem like time hasn’t even moved a second. it feels like we have forever. when we are together the world feels like it belongs to us. everytime we hangout i feel like im seizing every adventure that ive ever wanted with my partner in crime. she is the fucking coolest person ever-wow, and she will never know! she will always just think so little of herself no matter what she reads that ive written for her.

she doesn’t see how much love she deserves, and that’s okay i guess-she’s youngish. im youngish too. that’s why ive got no time to waste.

so i do tell her when i think she’s beautiful, but i write it down first so it comes out exactly as i intended.

[lunamoonprincessss]

she is so funny.

we share simmlilarities in humor. She gets my lame jokes, I thank her endlessly for listening to them.

her jokes are always more funny to me, probably because i laugh and smile about anything she says. she’s the coolest i swear. she just doesn’t know that i think that about her.

i would tell her, but friends don’t say things like:

hey ______, did you know that you are the cutest, coolest, most funny girl i know? when you laugh, it’s like broken up music, I only get bits and pieces of your symphony when i make you laugh. and if I’m lucky, someday ill make you laugh hysterically-and i’ll close my eyes, and listen to your sweet music unharmed, untouched, and unbothered. on that day, i think i would be yours.

but ill never hear the whole piece. she will forget about me in soon time. i won’t be able to see her everyday like i do now. i already miss her, but she will never miss me. she has someone to love, and i am still left yearning for a song i cannot listen to.

i wish she wanted to hear my symphonies.

[lunamoonprincessss]

she is so cute when she’s sleepy.

I don’t watch her, that’d be weird. I just noticed when she was getting tired in my bed, her laugh gets more raspy, and her eyes fall and flutter effortlessly. she smiles when she starts to fall, everything i say seems to be the funniest joke she’s ever heard.

she breathes heavy-always, but it’s so strange to see her breathing steady itself, and her shoulders relax, she’s always so tense. her body stills, but she’s in constant motion always. it’s such a foreign experience to see sleep take over. she is so beautiful when her eyes shut, even if it’s just for a moment when we listen to perfect songs, or when she takes a deep breath. when sleep takes over my vo, she is so peaceful. but when she’s awake she is always stressed, tense, and moving so quickly. i like to see her when she’s relaxed, she never really is since she thinks so critically of herself.

but when she falls, her head is in peace. that makes me smile, and my heart stutter in its beat, i think that maybe, even awake- i fall too.

[lunamoonprincessss]

i hope that she is honest with me.

I will never be sure.

my vo is genuine, I hope.

she told me that she was, but for some reason i can’t believe her. even still.

everytime i see her in public it feels like i have to pretend like we never met.

i hate that.

when we’re alone, it’s like we are catching up and there is never enough time for us to be together. it sucks. i just wish that she didn’t ignore me, even if she doesn’t mean to.

we do it to each other and i hate it-i hate this.

it’s like we’re not real people when we’re around other people.

when we’re alone, i take off my mask. i am honest, and true. i think that maybe she is too, but i can’t be too sure.

i am always guessing with her. i hate that. but what is love without heartache? the melancholy she has caused me almost feels permanent. it’s okay for her to hurt me though.

her pain is too addictive to let go.

[lunamoonprincessss]

i call her vo, even though her name is not vo.

why?

because she reminds me of a song named vocalise by rachmaninoff. i played this song in orchestra the year before she arrived.

that song meant nothing to me before i met her. I started to play it again when she came, the notes felt different when I played them. I loved the sound, they were deeper to me-they meant more than just notes.

the sounds brought back memories, and i realized i liked her through a song. i wrote my first poem about her on paper that day. then i sat in orchestra drawn to vocalise.

so I played, vibrating on the strings on my violin like my life depended on it. i played so intensely that the bell rang and i hadn’t even noticed.

she was like that. there could be a million things happening to me and my mind would cast them aside the moment our eyes would meet. she was so intriguing and important that when we were together i couldn’t make sense of anything.

my vo, is not my vo at all though. that’s what makes her vo in the first place. she’s mine but she never will be-just like the song. i am not it’s composer-im not her girlfriend either. i am not, but i wished i could have been.

now i only wish to be free, i still love her, my vocalise.

I remember holding her in my arms drunk as hell and stroking her curly hair through my fingers telling her, “You’re my vo, even if you don’t know it, even if you don’t want to be. You’re just vo.” I was crying too, she held onto me. why did she want to be so close to me? she knew that she could never love me and she chose to hurt me instead. the way she held onto me, laying on my chest i felt myself lose every problem, every worry, every bad thought about anything.

it felt like we were alone, drifting in a universe of our own.

we were so unbothered by everything.

i miss that feeling consciously. i had never felt like that before. even now, i miss her, and i see her everyday. that is the worst feeling to have for the best kind of girl.

her name?

it means everything.

but in my head, when i am fond of her, she is vo. but in reality, when i see her anyday, anytime, she is just-

her.

[lunamoonprincessss]

she sits in the passenger side of my car.

we listen to Jaden Smith songs on repeat.

she reminds me of the color blue, not just because her hair is blue.

she just is blue.

she’s beautiful, like an ocean, but her beauty can drown me, sometimes-it kills me.

she murdered a piece of me the day she kissed me.

oh and don’t ask me what it felt like, because i have written in detail what it feels like to share a kiss with a girl like her.

it was my first kiss too. not because im young or anything- just because I wanted to find that perfect person.

she was, and always will be the perfect person to withhold my first kiss. my first love, my first heartbreak, my first.

she was my first. and i fear that she will be my last.

she had ruined me so well that i am petrified of falling in love ever again. im afraid because her love truly is like narcotics or dopamine itself and i feel like i need her-

but she doesn’t need me, no.

i forgot to say...

she has a girlfriend.

that is why my feelings are forbidden, and everything we’ve ever had was a mistake.

i tear myself up about it sometimes.

i don’t wish i didn’t tell her though.

i had been hiding it from her for months, and one night it just spilled all out of me like fucking marbels scattering across the floor.

she listened, she wept, i held her.

she tried to kiss me, and i would not let her.

she tempted me with everything i had ever wanted and i still had the self-control to tell her “no, you love someone else.”

eventually, she took that self-control away. and we kissed to that song by frank ocean.

we kissed, and she killed me. i died by the sunset, and she thrived on my foolishness.

how could i love someone like that?