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Self Reflection #3

I’ve been working for at my current job for about three and a half months, and I’m pretty happy there at the moment. I get paid good, it’s not completely exhausting and draining, and I play with animals for the majority of the day! I can see myself staying with this company for years. There is room for growth and it’s a cool environment for the most part. I also absolutely love a lot of my coworkers, they’re a fun group! And everyone’s so different, it’s spectacular. 

I was seeing someone for a couple weeks, but I eventually cut things off before it got too serious. God knows I’m not in the right place to have a boyfriend. I really do wish I was ready, though. it’s been such a long time since I was loved properly. I wish someone would love me, being desired and not loved get’s boring. I miss the comfort of knowing I’m being loved for the human I am and not desired for being a woman. He was ready to love me, I think. I don’t know. But I just didn’t feel like he was the one. I wonder when I’ll meet him. Hopefully soon. 

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Self Reflection #2

I’ve been unemployed for three weeks. And I am struggling to say the least. I feel so beyond useless right now. I can’t pay my bills. I used all my savings to pay for bills for the first two weeks but I clearly didn’t have enough. I imagined I would have a job by now. I’m too embarrassed to ask my parents for money. I know they would give me money but I don’t want to have to ask them. I’m 20. I should be able to pay my bills, but I’ve already missed one payment and I have two more coming up. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve applied to thousands of places (probably more around 100) and I haven’t gotten any calls back. I got a call for an interview, which went good and resulted in a second interview. They asked me to fill out paperwork and I went in for a “test day” where they wanted to see how I worked. It went good too and I set up an appointment, which is ultimately the end goal. The dude said I did good and he would call me back, but I don’t have a great feeling about it. I don’t even know if I want that job anymore. Anyways, I’m trying to stay positive and keep busy but I am constantly exhausted. Like my body feels so tired, I don’t wanna move. I feel like it’s because I’ve been so inactive and I’ve been eating pretty horribly lately. I need to do better. I feel so sluggish. 

Anyways. on a positive note, I met someone. He makes me very happy. He lives out of state, which sucks, but he’s already come to visit me and he’s coming back in three weeks. I’m really excited to see him. He makes me happy and he encourages me to get my shit together - at my own pace. He’s a kind person and I hope our relationship will continue to flourish. 

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Self Reflection #1

I often wonder what my life would be like if I’d made one decision differently. Or if my family was upper or lower class. It's so strange thinking of how one decision could’ve butterfly affected my whole fucking life. Like one thing could change everything. That’s wild. It drives me crazy knowing how a decision I could’ve made at a younger age would benefit me now. Had I studied harder in school, I would probably still be at WSU. Had I taken action and taken better care of my body when I was younger, I would be skinnier and healthier now. But it’s also great thinking about it now. Because I’m realizing that it’s not too late! I’m only 20! I got a whole fucking life ahead of me! (I'm literally just realizing this as I write) I can work harder, eat healthier, and take care of myself so much better. I don’t want to be where I am now in five years. I really don’t. I want to take care of myself now and reap the benefits later on. If I’m financially stable, I could buy my home, start my family. That’s what I really want. My own little family. That would be so amazing. To have my own beautiful home, beautiful kids, a loving husband. But in order to take care of them, I need to be able to care for myself. Which I very clearly haven’t been doing. I really do need to do this for myself first and foremost. I can’t rely on someone else to motivate me. Lately, I’ve just been a fucking potato. I go to work, eat shit food, and lay down. My job is so exhausting, though. I need to do better though because this whole doing nothing routine is fucking ridiculous. I gross myself out. Before I was able to look at my extra weight and think, “I still feel good and healthy and look good,” but lately that’s not true anymore. I don’t feel good or healthy or sexy. I feel tired and out of breath and unappealing. I will get my shit together. 

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update

So I created my YouTube channel AND I created my banner. Progress right? Anyways let's see how long it takes me to create some content. I feel like I need to get an Instagram following before I start YouTube, or is it the other way around? 

I only have two followers, but it’s still fun writing these as if I’d amassed a huge following. One day. 

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Friday, Dec 28

Today was very uneventful and my need for more was stronger than usual. I really want to do something with my life, but I don’t even know where to start? I know that I want to be a public figure, walk people through my life, like a lifestyle vlogger. But I don’t think I have enough personality and charisma to do something like that. 

My parents got me a GoPro SIlver 7 because they knew I wanted a vlogging camera. So I have the necessary equipment, but I can’t push myself to say “fuck it” and actually post a video. Today, one of my favorite YouTubers did a live video where she was explaining why she hadn’t and wouldn’t be posting on her vlog channel for a while because she was getting so much hate. I don’t think I would be able to handle any type of negativity, no matter how small. I don’t think I could grow a huge following or anything but I still think it would be something nice to do. 

One of my biggest secret dreams is to be travel and fashion vlogger. I absolutely love traveling and visiting new places, and it would be awesome to make a career or job out of it. And I feel like I do have a nice fashion sense, but there are already soooo many plus-size models and YouTubers, it would be kind of impossible to be recognized? It just makes it more difficult to to push myself to do something where I wouldn’t succeed. But I know I have to take the jump or else I’d never know and I’d regret holding myself back. 

If I do decide to something like this, I feel like I have to do it NOW, while I’m young and relatable. I’m Latina and plus-size which could be a part of my thing. I love my culture and my body - I could talk about both for days. 

I need to decide what I want to do with myself.