lovv-ash

[lovv-ash]

VB. THE REASON I QUIT.

The girls I played volleyball with

They didn’t like me

They didn’t treat me as a teammate

I was just the girl on the side

Waiting for a ball to pass to her so she can show them she’s good

She just wanted to be treated like one of them

She just wanted their validation

She just wanted them to like her

It was the game point.

20-20

I was the one who decided who was going to win

I had the last ball

I wanted to show them I was good

I tried it hit it for the first time in a game

I wasn’t very good because in practice they’d never pass me the ball

And I failed.

I messed up in front of everyone

And I felt such sorrow

I couldn’t take it

That I made us lose.

[lovv-ash]

I WISH I DIDN’T (MIND OF A EX CONTINUE)

I texted you

You replied

Talking to you after months of no interaction

Felt like heaven

You’ve told me you’ve changed

From whom you were

I trust you again

You glued my heart together

But the cracks still remain

The memories of your actions

Always stick in my mind

I just don’t think I can love you like I used to this time

I thought I loved him again

But that was just me being delusional

Talking with you reminded me of why I left in the first place

I say just a friend

But you still try

Try and make me feel bad

Just like those times ago

You haven’t changed

Your cousin tells me your trying not to cry

Because I just wanted to be friends

Next day when we call you say you were bawling your eyes out yesterday

Because I wanted to be friends

I hate to be selfish

But for my sake I must

[lovv-ash]

MY FATHER.

Keeping me in line

Like a bad kid

Keeping me in check

Like I’m some sort of person that only obeys

Feeling like I’m caged

Trapped by my fathers layer of protection

I’m not a little girl anymore

I just want to be free

He says he’ll do anything for me

But is that anything really isolation?

[lovv-ash]

THE MIND OF A EX

I texted you

You replied

Talking to you after months of no interaction

Felt like heaven

You’ve told me you’ve changed

From whom you were

I trust you again

You glued my heart together

But the cracks still remain

The memories of your actions

Always stick in my mind

I just don’t think I can love you like I used to this time

[lovv-ash]

I want to go back to when I was a kid

[lovv-ash]

I only miss you when it’s night

When it’s dark and I’m alone.

[lovv-ash]

THE HEART

I don’t know how to be happy anymore

Sadness floods my body

Straight into my core

My heart

It’s a wave the tides can’t pull back

An ember sparking with fires that aren’t controllable

A landslide that demolishes anything in its path

It’s a feeling once brought upon me I cannot erase

I can’t handle it anymore

And I don’t know how to make it stop ether

[lovv-ash]

YOUR MIND IS EVERYTHING

My mind messes with me

Telling me I’m not loved

I don’t feel loved

Telling me that my friends hate me

I thought they did

Telling me everything I do will make them hate me

I really thought it did

I get asked if I’m okay

I’m not

I say I am so they don’t know the battle I have with myself

My mind

[lovv-ash]

I’M JUST HERE

I lay in my room

Rotting away

He won’t let me go out

Because of a day

When I felt too weak to go

So laying in my room

I isolate myself

In my dark room

Only with my thoughts

I wish this could be different

But

One you start

You can’t stop

[lovv-ash]

SILENT

I feel like

No matter how much I talk

I’m never heard

I try to hold myself together

Then break

Everything I bottled up spills out

And it doesn’t stop

And I don’t talk

Only silent tears

[lovv-ash]

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

New years

People get together

Party for the new year

People write their resolutions

What they want to get better

What they don’t wanna do

What the want to change.

For me, I’ll just be the same

I just don’t have it in me right now

It’s all just dumb.

I can hear the fireworks.

[lovv-ash]

JUST ONE

I hate how I am

I hate the feeling of overthinking

Overthinking it all

One wrong look and I think I’m annoying

One wrong look and I’m thinking they don’t like me

Just one look.

[lovv-ash]

WINTER

Soft tears

The sky cries

Freezing temperatures

The rain glistens

Unique patterns fall from the sky

None are identical

It brings me a bit of peace

So many of them fall and all I feel is relaxed

Winter can bring peace but agony too.

[lovv-ash]

DECEMBER 4TH

My birthday, a milestone

The day people tell me to have a good day and a good birthday

My day goes well

I’m happy, real happiness for once.

I felt alive but dead at the same time

Happy but there’s a hole in my chest

So many people around me but there’s always a feeling of loneliness

A feeling I’m included but also I’m just there

Disconnected

But on this day

I can feel connected again for a bit.

[lovv-ash]

All these bottled up emotions

I can’t hold onto them any longer

They just pour out

Like water

[lovv-ash]

DEPRESSION

It blurs everything together

Days are blurred

Hours into minutes when you weren’t even doing anything

Feels like all I do is sleep wake up and go back into the cycle.

[lovv-ash]

ONE WORD

“Chubby”

It’s the first time I’ve ever been called that

I didn’t expect it to come from him

He says he loves it but now when I look at myself that’s all I think

That one word that’s affected the way i see myself

Looking at older photos of me when I was skinny

The sickness I had slowing floods back into my life

The urge to cut all of this useless extra skin off

I just want to see my body like I used to.