lovingconnie-blog

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God Winks, Part I

Sleep chaser. That's what I've been calling myself, privately- silently. The past few months my life has boiled down to attempting to get enough, and by enough I mean minimal needed for basic survival, sleep; helping Hubs to the bathroom and then cleaning up; fixing or, many times just warming up, our meals; physical therapy stretches and basic grooming. It's felt like a burning off of what's not important to bring into focus the sacredness of a simple life. My Course in Miracles teacher, who is also a caregiver to her husband, gave me some really powerful and deep advice. She said to treat every day as if it's the First Day of this caregiving journey. The repetitiveness can be exhausting and frustrating, if I allow my mind to go down that thought path. When I think about how much Love and resolve I had in those First Days of caregiving, I find that I'm more patient, centered, graceful with Hubs and with myself. I can experience and give love as a verb. It's been my deepest work the past couple months. Accepting and embracing this simple life, noticing that emotional triggers that are coming up, feeling the feelings, doing my best to manage my stress, and loving myself and Hubs through it. All this sleep chasing brought me to search out overnight respite care for Hubs. I didn't even know that overnight respite is a thing. I toured a few places and called many others. Most memory care centers require a minimum of a month which is too long and too expensive. However, I found 1 place that has no minimum overnights, affordable, well rated and has a good vibe. I know all the other stuff is really important, but if I don't sense good vibes it's a no go. That goes for pretty much everything in my life now. Deciding to explore overnight respite brought up lots of emotions and beliefs to work through, shift and heal. What I always come back to is this: taking the absolute best care of myself is crucial especially as a 24/7 caregiver. When I realized that I haven't been able to or even willing some days to give myself that level of care, I knew I needed more outside help. My mentor encouraged me to visualize and pray for droves of people to help and support me. I've been doing that every day for weeks. They are arriving and it's lusciously wonderful. God is winking. I decided a couple weeks ago to start the admittance process for Hubs at the memory care center with overnight respite.The Executive Director wanted to fax over the application to the VA PCP, but after a few days of trying to get the VA doc's office to give her, or me, their fax number I took the matter into my own hands. I went to the memory care place, way across town, and picked up the doc's packet so I could hand deliver it at our next VA appointment. I was supposed to go on a Tuesday, but it didn't work out. So I went on Wednesday. On my way there I ended up right behind a friend of mine that I rarely get to see at a red light. I called her and she was going someplace across the street from the memory care place. She said she would come over to hug me after her errand. God Wink. I got to the memory care center and there was a lady behind the front desk who I didn't recognize (though I'd only been there once before). She was talking with a potential client's caregiver when I came in. She was explaining that the dementia day care hours were flexible. The caregiver was listening intently, and expressed concerned that what the front desk lady was saying would be honored by the actual day care workers. The lady said that SHE is the owner so she knows. ha! Boom! She was so kind and patient... really loving energy. Then she talked to me and easily found the envelope I needed. But the owne, Mrs. A started a conversation. She asked what prompted me to start bringing Hubs in, and told her about how he stopped sleeping through the night a few months ago. She went through the usual suggestions and asked if I had asked his doctor for a sleeping aid pill. I told her that I've asked, begged, cried and asked again, but the VA psychiatrist who is in charge of his meds doesn't seem to fully grasp what's happening with Hubs and won't give him anything for sleep. She said, "that's criminal". And it hit me. It IS criminal. It IS ridiculous and insane that my requests for help from Hubs' VA doctors isn't being heard. And a fresh resolve bubbled up in me. My perspective of the care that Hubs has been getting at the VA shifted. I realized that he deserves better. I think I hadn't let myself come to this realization clearly, because I didn't know there alternatives. Mrs. A could easily stand for Angel. Then Mrs. A starts telling me about this wonderful doctor who comes to the memory care center. She raves about how much he cares about patients and how he's always available. She and her husband have the doc's personal number. She assures me that this doctor would help with sleeping at night, and probably more. I wrote down the doc's name. I chatted with Mrs. A for another couple minutes and felt so much compassion from her. Another God wink. I left and met my friend outside. She hugged me and we chatted a few minutes. I felt so cared for and supported in that moment. A simple hug from friend who showed up at the precise right moment, by no mistake was love as a verb to me. It meant so much that she was willing to take a few minutes out of her day to wait by my car to hug me. I have to say, too, that I honor myself for allowing myself to be hugged, cared for and loved. Instead of not wanting to bother my friend and telling her to just go on with her day, I accepted her offer with grace. Love expanded and God winked.

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PT Part II

After 5 pelvic physical therapy appointments, my body and mind are responding to the healing well. It’s as much as a mental journey for me, as a physical one. That’s been the case in nearly challenge life has gifted me. It might be because I’m Sagittarius in about 12 different aspects. My Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Neptune and True Node are all in Sag- and all in the First House. Ok, so that’s only 7. Or maybe I’m into mental journeys for other reasons. I have always like focusing on the big picture, though. I digress. Already. I’m having a lot of fun experiencing new, to me, healing modalities like cupping, ultrasound therapy, and electrical stimulation in PT. I’m adding a couple links to the end of this post if you’d like to learn more about any of these fascinating ways to support healing the body. Of course, do your own research too. My favorite so far has been cupping. My second appointment my therapist used cupping on my lower back and SI joint area. It felt a little pinch-y, but not painful. She used about 4 cups that she vacuumed sealed to my body and let them do their magic for a few minutes. My SI joint and left hip are getting a lot of focus as we continue to re-train my pelvic bowl to relax. The cupping helps to soften tight muscles and increase blood flow to the area that needs extra attention. I was pretty excited to see the cupping “bruises”, but they were mild and faded quickly. That’s not a bad thing, but the cupping marks felt like a badge of honor of some kind to me. The next time my therapist used cupping was in my last appointment, number 5. This time she slid the cup over the 3 big, and old, scars on my lower abdomen. The biggest and oldest is from my first ever surgery when I was 12 to remove an ovarian cyst. It’s over 30 years old! That cyst was the size of a basketball and weighed 8 pounds! I’m pretty sure that one of my cancer surgeries later in my life re-used that scar path. So, technically there are 4 big scars. Which only adds to my SI and hip challenges. The smallest scar is from a uterine fibroid removal surgery, that was only grapefruit sized. That one is just over 20 years old. The other 2 scars are from gyn cancers, and are almost 10 years old. That is a lot of old scar tissue that is crying out to be loved up, released and smoothed out. Cupping is a beautiful way to do it. My therapist used one smaller cup with a light vacuum seal and slid it over my scars in a smooth motion. I swear I could feel the tissue breaking up. I felt connected to my body in a deep and loving way. This body has been through so much pelvic trauma and has been crying out for love and healing. I’m grateful and joyous that my health insurance, which I didn’t think would be worth much, is offering me this opportunity to explore PT. My body is allowing this healing and feeling safe, it’s a new experience but one I’m welcoming. My therapist is a believer in manual therapy, which is a bit like massage. At the beginning of most of our sessions, she used manual therapy on my abdomen to break up scar tissue and help release the tightness. I’ve developed a lot of trust with her to allow her to touch and rub my stomach. It’s tempting to numb out and mentally take myself out of my body during these manual massages. My lower stomach holds a lot of trauma and it’s hard to be with it. Instead of numbing or tuning out, I take deep breaths and silently say calming healing things to myself. I remind myself that I’m safe, that breaking up this scar tissue is bringing my body into balance, that allowing myself to be touched in a kind (and professional) way is nourishing on many levels, and that my body is my friend that deserves loving acceptance. My stomach is a part of my body that I rarely touch, but that’s changing thanks to PT. During my home therapy stretches I touch my stomach a lot. I’m consciously doing it with acceptance, gratitude and love. I notice my self-judgements and replace those thoughts with neutral or positive ones. Are you wondering, what’s neutral body thought? It goes something like this- I have a human stomach. It’s not good or bad, it’s just a human stomach. I’m find it really helpful to use neutral body thoughts when I can’t quite get to an authentic positive body thought. More on choosing thoughts and who I learned it from, soon. This healing journey has so many layers. The excruciating pain I felt when I started PT is 95% gone now. It’s so amazing and free-ing to not live with that pain anymore. I have a lot more range of motion in my knees. I can get into a modified child’s pose now and I find it quite exciting. I have SI related numbness in my left leg sometimes, and my therapist continues to work on it. I don’t expect that healing my pelvic trauma, that has expanded outward in my body, to be healed so quickly. It’s a process and I’m grateful to be on the path. https://physicaltherapyweb.com/cupping-novel-method-soft-tissue-release/ https://www.verywellhealth.com/electrical-stimulation-2696122 https://physicaltherapyweb.com/therapeutic-ultrasound/

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I’ve been believing that in order to heal, be well and be the best caregiver to my husband that I need to be doing/acting/saying/eating in a long list of certain spiritual ways. I’ve been believing that doing those things, consistently, is the magic spiritual sauce that’s required for me to be Whole, Holy and Loving. I've been putting pressure on myself to follow the lists and berating myself when I haven't been able to look at the lists, much less follow them. It’s not true. I realized that it's not true, epiphany style, the other night as I lay on the floor after finishing my physical therapy stretches. This Knowing washed over me so powerfully and beautifully. I had been judging myself harshly for not doing most of the things on the list. A list that I created to help me love and care for myself. My thoughts and beliefs about this list was causing me stress. It was so ironic and messed up that it was hilarious. As a student of A Course in Miracles I believe that I am Divine Love, and Holy, just exactly as I am right now. I can’t get MORE Holy, or LESS. I forget this a lot, though. My work, or healing, is to accept and embody this Truth about who I am, to forgive myself and “brothers” and correct all thoughts or beliefs rooted in fear. It’s also to practice standing in a Light Beam of Love owning that I Am the Holy Home of God just as am I right now. Exhausted from caregiving with french fry grease on my fingers wearing cockeyed old glasses with my heart filled with gratitude. Any lists I write for myself to help bring me to Know these Truths are tools to use when I have the mental and emotional band width. When it feels uplifting and self-loving. Those lists are only to support me in returning to Love by forgiveness and correcting my wrong beliefs. It feels so freeing! A Course in Miracles says, “A sense of separation from God is the only lack you really need correct.” (VI.2.1) “You are the work of God, and His work is wholly lovable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.” (III.3-4) “I am God’s Son, complete and healed and whole, shining in the reflection of His Love. In me is His creation sanctified and guaranteed eternal life. In me is love perfected, fear impossible, and joy established without opposite. I am the holy home of God Himself. I am the Heaven where His Love resides. I am His holy Sinlessness Itself, for in my purity abides His Own.” ~Lesson 351 (“What Am I?”) Coming in my next blog will be all the juicy details of my pelvic floor healing with physical therapy.

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4.12  Q & P’s

A Few of my Current Favorite Quotes and Podcasts I’m also curious about what other people are into... Always hoping to make deeper connections with friends and family. I think the quotes that people share and the podcasts they choose can say a lot them. I’m flying my freak flag and sharing some of my faves. “I spent my life trying to destroy my suffering; healing invites me to meet it with compassion and offer it some tea instead.” ~ Somatic Wellness Yoga on InstaGram “When people say they want to lose weight, they often mean ‘I want to be respected. I want to be loved. I want to be seen. I want liberation from fear and self loathing.’ Weight loss culture will never give us those things because it’s founded on fear/hate based systems like sexism, racism, classism and ableism.” ~Virgie Tovar of Circles of Change “Breathe yourself slowly inward past all the sounds of insanity.” KC Miller (inspired by A Course in Miracles) “Be gentle. You are meeting parts of yourself you’ve been at war with.” CreatetheLove on IG “I was never addicted to one thing, I was addicted to filling a void within myself with things other than my own love.” Young Pueblo “The natural healing force within each of us is the greatest healing force in getting well.” Hippocrates “How do you know the healing is working? When you can breathe normally and think calming during moments that used to make you feel tension.” Young Pueblo “Your body is meant to be the safest place for you to live.” RisingWoman on IG “You who want peace can only find it by complete forgiveness.” A Course in Miracles VI.1 If I had to pick just 1 podcast to crown as my favorite it would be The Lively Show. I’ve learned so much from Jess and have resonated with her journey through her podcast. http://jesslively.com/livelyshow/ Favorite Episodes: This may be the Highest Vibe thing I’ve ever listened to. http://jesslively.com/georgiemorley/ This one had me crying almost the whole time, in a good way. It helped me grieve in a beautiful way. http://jesslively.com/kellynlaeser/ I don’t fully understand WHY I like J. Brown Yoga Talks Podcast so much; I just do. Maybe you will, too. https://www.jbrownyoga.com/yoga-talks-podcast Brooke Castillo always delivers a thought-provoking podcast about how to change your thinking and improve your life in The Life Coach School Podcast. https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcasts/ I got a lot from this episode: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/245/ Lastly, I just found a podcast about dementia and listened to a couple episodes. It’s great content delivered in an upbeat way. Still, it’s hard to listen to for me. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dementia-resilience-with-jill-lorentz/id1358703827 I’d love to know what quotes and podcasts are inspiring you lately. Please share! Next time I’ll write all about how my physical therapy is going, what it’s like, what I’ve learned and the darkness that it’s bringing up.

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4.9 Perfectly Aligned Puzzle Pieces

Every night about 2 AM my body is demanding sleep, and Hubs is waking up. His trembling gets very strong, he's extra confused and often terrified of things he can't put into words. Lewy Body Dementia with PTSD often brings sundowning. Every night at this time I cry. I'm so tired. I'm deeply saddened that he has to experience these diseases. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to make it gentler or easier on either of us. I want it to be over for him, and me... and I don’t want to lose him. Yet so much of him is already gone. Most nights that frustration spills over to him in words, or sighs or eye rolls. But not one night recently. That night, I asked my Angels to help me and prayed for kindness. Then I took a deep breath, fully confident that the Angels immediately surrounded us with love, and spoke kindly to him. That night I didn’t dive into the desperation pool full of worries about what's happening to my body as a result of so little sleep. I was just there with him in the Present Moment. It didn’t change what was happening, but it was softer for me and I think for him too. He mirrors my energy and emotions, and it’s making me more aware of them and I’m taking more responsibility for them. It’s the hardest inner and outer work of my life, and it’s my greatest Teacher. It’s feels so bold of me to choose Now to embark on the journey of healing my pelvic floor and releasing the emotional traumas I’ve held in my pelvis. During my third physical therapy session today, I had a long moment of clarity as the puzzle pieces of these parts of my life clicked together beautifully. And it didn’t feel bold to be setting my intentions for healing- it felt perfectly in alignment with my Highest Good. Choosing to commit to physical and emotional pelvic healing is helping me through my grief. It’s helping me to acknowledge it and feel it. My physical therapist keeps telling me that our first priority is getting my pelvic floor muscles to relax. It involves lots of deep breaths, stretching, scar massage and over all massage. My body is very tense and tight from the trauma of gyn cancers and abuse- and grief and general wear and tear of 44 years of life. Getting my body to relax also requires emotional healing. Speaking works of acceptance, sweetness and love to myself. The moments when I can’t reach that level of kindness to myself, I’m learning to just console myself and reassure myself that I’m okay. I tell myself how proud I am of me. Sometimes I just put my hands on my lower stomach, crisscrossed with deep old scars, and just cry. I look myself in the eye in the mirror and see my strength and tenacity, and it is magnificent. I write out tough emotions and thoughts in a journal. I’m learning to be gentle and loving to myself. It’s a whole new way to Be in my Body, to Be Myself. It’s just what Hubs needs from me- acceptance and gentle love. I like to think of it as a living infinity sign... flowing from one side to the other. Perfectly aligned puzzle pieces of my life, all orchestrated for my Highest Good

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My First Pelvic Rehab Appointment

I’m about 10 years into Sweet Remission from my first gyn cancer, and 8 ½ year into remission from my second gyn cancer. I’ve had 2 major pelvic surgeries, many pokey proddy vaginal tests, 7 weeks worth of radiation and 6 rounds of chemo during active treatment. Since then, I’ve had many follow up CT scans and gyn oncologist check ups. It’s a lot of pelvic trauma.  

During all of that pelvic trauma, not a single gynecologist, gyn oncologist, nurse practitioner, physician’s assistant, or nurse has EVER mentioned that a physical therapist may be helpful in my physical and emotional recovery. It’s a tragic failure of the medical community, especially the cancer medical community to not offer a physical therapy referral with even a basic explanation of the potential benefits.  I had absolutely no clue, and I’ve suffered emotionally, physically and sexually because of this failure. To me if feels like a lack of caring for the whole patient. I’m grateful that my doctors got me into remission, but getting to it took a big toll on my Whole Being.  

I didn’t even know that Physical Therapy could be helpful to me until I went on a Teal Diva Retreat for Ovarian Cancer Survivors in June of 2017. A PT who specializes in pelvic rehab, and is also an Ovarian Cancer Survivor, shared some empowering and fascinating ways that PT may help our unique traumas. 

Our mouths dropped open with amazed and many of us experienced waves of anger and disappointment for never being offered this kind of specialized rehab.  One of my biggest take-aways of Dr. Glenna Sears-Brinker's talk is that my pelvic floor muscles most likely need to learn how to relax. Until this talk the only thing I heard about the pelvic floor is that it “must be strengthened with Kegel exercises”. Intuitively, that never felt right to me though so hearing that relaxing may be a key to rehab and healing filled me with hope.  

I came home from the retreat excited and determined to find a pelvic rehab specialist. My Google searches led me to a couple, but unfortunately, they only work with pregnant women. It felt like another slap in the face by the medical community. I was disheartened and felt isolated. I quit searching. Over the next couple years I developed knee, hip, hip flex-or, SI and sciatic pains as the stress of care-giving grew. I turned to Yoga and old favorite low impact workouts to strengthen and stretch, but despite sometimes temporary relief, things kept getting worse. Still, I had this Knowing that the doorway to my healing was getting closer, the path just wasn’t clear yet.  

As a 24/7 caregiver to Hubs, I have learned and accepted that I need to take care of Whole Self so I can show up for him with compassion, kindness and confidence. So this growing pain wasn’t going to work for me.  

My mom is very involved in her church and is on a committee with a Physical Therapist. She’s also friends with the PT’s family. I don’t recall my mom mentioning that she specialized in pelvic rehab, though, so I didn’t pay much attention.  

Last month I had a massage which brought me great relief. I feel really comfortable and safe with my massage therapist and shared my struggles and intuitive knowing there the right help would come. She asked if she could text a PT friend to see if she may be able to help me. Of course I said yes. And yes this PT could help and I was given her name and number. The name looked a little familiar, but I was so excited and filled with hope that I didn’t concentrate on the familiarity.  

Later that night I shared with my mom. She looked at me in disbelief. This was the PT SHE had told me about months ago. She was a little disgusted with me for not just listening to her in the first place, which is maybe understandable. I saw it as Divine Guidance. My path was clearing!

My first appointment was yesterday. I arrived feeling excited and fully IN my body with confidence and a lightness I’m just starting to embody. A younger version of me would have arrived anxious about the PT body shaming me or saying that nothing can help me until I lose weight. The younger version of me would have been defensive and timid. Not the Current Connie, though! My body may not have been receiving rehab or healing, but my mental and emotional Self has been doing a lot of deep healing and opening. So I showed up to the appointment feeling excited, hopeful, and happy believing that the PT would certainly be able to help me.  

The appointment started with getting weighed, which I wasn’t really expecting, but I can understand why. Instead of closing down and freakin’ out internally about it, I joked with the Tech about the staff audience that was standing in the scale area. Everyone laughed. The Tech kindly said that she wouldn’t say the number out loud and if I wanted I could close my eyes and not even look. I did look and after the initial internal groan I filled myself with loving accepting words in my head for a few moments, and then shifted my focus to the purpose of the appointment. THAT felt incredibly empowering and so self-loving. I accepted the number, loved myself in that moment, and didn’t let the experience of being weighed send me into a downward self-hate spiral.  

Then I met my PT. Instantly, I liked her and felt safe with her. That in itself felt like a miracle!! As I shared my history and what brought me to her, the education and philosophy she shared were in beautiful alignment. She acknowledges that pelvic trauma has a big emotional element, too. I shared with her that I’ve been doing deep emotional healing and that I think my body is catching up. It made sense to her. She didn’t dismiss my “woo-woo” beliefs! I wanted to hug her! She also is frustrated that more gyn cancer survivors aren’t referred to PTs, and even most pregnant women aren’t. I felt validated and valued as Whole Person, it sparked joy.  

She gave me an overall body assessment to see how I was moving. I kept my clothes on the whole time, in case you’re wondering. I did simple things like bend down to touch my toes, bend my knees, squat, resist her from pushing my legs in different directions. Then the initial diagnosis- my pelvic floor is tight- VERY tight. Kegels would have been bad for me. I Knew it and my trust in myself grew in that moment. One of the main objectives to healing for me will be relaxing the pelvic floor which will take time and patience. It’s so different than relaxing your shoulders, for example, it takes time and un-learning.  

Then I laid down on the table for an external pelvic assessment. In the moment I felt totally safe and comfortable with my PT touching my tummy and rubbing/massaging my scars. I don’t touch my scars, and rarely look at them. Same goes for the tummy, until really recently (more on that in an upcoming post). Yet her doing it for medical purposes was totally fine. I noticed, though, that I disconnected from my body to a degree while she was doing it. The tummy and pelvic areas are such vulnerable spots on the human body... the source of our power, our core, our creativity and sexuality. Yet, cancer and being in a larger body has kept me from connecting to that part of my body since I was 12, if not earlier. How beautiful it is to be coming home to my body with such love, hope and acceptance now.  

I learned something really important about scars and doctors from my PT. To get the full impact, I want you to do a quick and easy experiment. Grab the middle of your shirt and pull into a ball. The ‘ball” or “knot” is the scar. Now notice that the entire rest of your shirt is being pulled to some degree. That’s what a scar is doing to your body! Mind blown, right?! Now imagine you have 3 BIG scars in your pelvic area, all pulling on your back, shoulders, hips, SI, and down to your knees and up to your neck. That’s part of the reason my pain has been expanding. Rubbing on the scars, with tolerable pressure, breaks up the scar tissue and fascia which will, eventually, lead to releasing and relaxing the tight muscles that are causing me so much pain. That's another part of my PT work.  

I’ve always thought that scars create scar tissue on the inside of our bodies. It just makes logical sense to me. So I’ve always felt disappointed that post surgery doctor visits didn’t address the issue of scar tissue. My PT told me why- it's because doctors think that creating scar tissue is a failure on their part. They think that if they did a good job that scar tissue shouldn’t happen. That’s not been my experience.  

Finding this out feels really BIG and important to me. Doctors (generally) feel like they are a failure when it comes to scar tissue, so instead of helping the patient treat it (r care for it) they are usually ignoring it. Of course, it’s not every doctor. In my experience, though, I’ve NEVER had a doctor talk to me about scar care. And I’ve had 5 major surgeries beginning when I was 12. The ego is such a powerful thing. If you have scar tissue, please know that there’s hope with Physical Therapy and possibly other methods.  

I did a little Googling last night, after my appointment, about scar tissue because what I learned had such a strong effect on me. There ARE many articles about scar tissue and how to care for them available- even from well-known cancer clinics. So the information is out there, but shouldn’t our doctors, our surgeons, be telling us about it? I hope you’ve had a different experience than I have.  

I digress, as usual. Back to first PT appointment.  

My PT rubbed my tummy and scars for a few minutes. We found 2 distinct spots that felt really tender in my upper abdomen. One I felt all the way down my left hamstring! The other I felt into my low back and hip. On the scars themselves I could feel tightness and/or pain into my SI joint, low back, glutes and hips. A big lightbulb moment for the origins of my pain! And Divine Synchronicity with another method I just started using to heal that I’ll share in a separate post soon.  

Though there was twinges of pain as she massaged, I could also feel relief and relaxing. And more hope came washing over me.  

Then I had electrical stimulation while laying on heating pads for 12 minutes. It felt a little tingly, but not painful. It was relaxing. It was the first 12 minutes I’ve had laying down to relax all by myself for a long time. Heavenly.  

When I got up off the table and walked out I felt a fantastic shift in my body, greatly reduced pain and the sense of physical alignment. And the Angels sang!!  

I have 3 simple stretches to do 3 times a day until next week’s appointment. I’ve done them just TWICE and ALREADY notice a big and wonderful difference. I feel validated and so proud of myself for staying the intuitive course towards healing my Whole Self. I’m so grateful for the path that led to Here.  

[lovingconnie-blog]

When you stop struggling to make something go the way you've wanted it to, you shift the energy grid of our life. Facing the facts is liberating (even though it can be wrenching)- and with that truth comes a major power surge. When you're done fighting, you're.done.fighting. It's a bittersweet relief. Focus on the sweet.

Danielle LaPorte

This quote came to me last night via InstaGram. Hubs is going through sun downing. He sleeps most of the day for about 3 - 4 hours. About 2 AM he’s wide awake with lots of trembling and anxiety. Unfortunately, 2 AM is about the time my body is ready to sleep. It’s been really frustrating. I’ve tried all the traditional advice, but nothing is working. Intuitively I know that more meds or different meds are the answer for him, or me, right now. 

It feels like a battle, but it’s not a battle. This is Lewy Body Dementia taking over Hubs’ body. He can’t help it, he can’t change it, and no one can make it better. What he needs from me is tenderness, patience, kindness...verbally and non verbally. 

To be able to give that to him, I have to give it to myself. To be able to do that I need to sleep. So, I’m putting down the fight and stepping into the Flow of Now. 

That means sleeping when he’s sleeping as much as I possibly can. Kind and comforting words to myself and given to him. Time to shift the energy grid of my caregiver life. 

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Birthing a New Blog

Fresh Spring, new Zodiac cycle, Full Moon and this new blog that has been waiting to be born for months. 

As I write, and pause wondering what to write, I can hear my husband breathing and trembling in bed. He’s just coming out of a wave of anxiety from today’s doctor’s appointment. Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s are taking over his body and it’s soul crushing. Everyday. 

Being his 24/7 caregiver brings me the most precious gifts anyway. Teaching me patience, inner calm, kindness, empathy- you know, Love. For him, of course, but mostly deeper love, acceptance, kindness and patience for myself. This experience is the most profound teacher in my life- so far. 

Tonight, as I worked to comfort him, I remembered to comfort myself first with deep breaths, kind internal words and thoughts, and intentionally choosing to be soft and kind to him. There are moments when it has to happen inside my mind and heart very quickly so I have it to extend outwards to him. I struggled tonight. The pain in my knee got more focus than my intention. My deep desire and need for sleep swept my attention for a few moments. Then I see and feel him tense and get more confused or agitated and I remember to tap into my Love Light. He’s sleeping peacefully now and that’s my cue to sleep, too.