loveymessup

[loveymessup]

thinking of my selfishness, thinking of you, how You were the most selfish choice I have ever made. I needed to write of you again. I cannot let you go. I understand the meaning of what I am feeling. I love you. I am hooks. Embedded into your back, you were mine. Listening currently to guns n roses and the eagles. Limitations didn't exist, I still think of you as lightning, this moment however is the only time I realized that it is you. The light in my darkness. I always tell myself... I was the bad girl trying to be good, and you the good boy trying to bad. We were trying to be someone we needed, but meeting you just you, Jacob your existence has brought me joy into this soul that was dead a dying thing. How sad some will think, they will try to continuously put themselves into my shoes without ever knowing my soul. And i will smile at the memories i recall as they lecture me. Telling me what i need, what is real. I despise this society, I wish for a blood soaked life. How can I ? When I love the beauty, the smiles, still the ignorance of us all gets to me. Its like rotting tree bark, getting soaked getting worse, turning to mold and moss becoming perhaps something beautiful or stinky and foul. Perhaps all that same time, when I hear this song I am no longer me I am the aftermath of strings being plucked, I am the sight of a vast desert, the mystery of how far it goes. Patience - guns n roses. My reality this body is lost in my imagination, but I think now as a nat comes into my face and close to my eye, I live in a dirty family shelter 9 months pregnant, with clearly the world against my every action. Continuously and perhaps forever feeling guilt for existing. "God's Joke" saying hey look at this bitch, laugh at her efforts, laugh at her heart, laugh at her trauma, laugh and feel good. Don't worry she did this to herself, she is the shit for your roses to grow. I have never felt more like nothing than living in the system, I have seen few efforts to be made to feel like I am anything but a number, a cog in this machine. I wanted to be a doctor a healer, a lawyer a savior, a computer technician grow on my abilities, a dancer to express how I felt, a vet to save the animals my dad let die like plants, a nutritionist to save and enhance and extend lives, but I am dumb. I choose pleasure, pills and booze. The steps i watched my father take as he stumbled into the deadbeat he is. My mother the cynic, cruel and abused. I smell salmon and shit currently as I struggle alone in this place, a man who denies his own child, I let him inside and he betrayed me. Betrayal is unforgivable, I tried but all I feel is hurt. Angry at myself for "choosing the wrong person" angry at myself for thinking "i choose the wrong person". Pitying with my abusers because I still think they deserve to be loved in the end. I think its my mind hoping someone will still love me despite myself. Some songs, simple songs tainted because of the ignorance I had. I am afraid, scared the only thing keeping me alive. My heart is squeezed as I write this, I only write now, because soon I will give birth soon. An ode to another past life, I needed to be honest even though i know the world is watching me, hiding, they watch me from cameras, through the computer, through my phone, trackers and hackers. No privacy and I think of this word and think safety and privacy are not real. I hate these people, yet don't wish the worst for the them, just for them to do something better with their time. This is why I wish for a blood soaked life, to watch these people fall and die and watch the earth thrive off another scum bag die. My pain is the only thing that feels real. Joy is quickly dispersed by others, its like they can sense it and know its illegal. Maybe this really is a fucking nightmare. I am trying yet its like trying to move during sleep paralysis. These seconds painfully being taken from me. I hate i hate and i hate. And all I want is for someone, someone who can understand me, understand i don't need to be lectured, given advice, to love in silence and watc