lovelyoneirataxia

[lovelyoneirataxia]

heartbreak dictionary

i do not want to write about you. i am scared that once i do, you’ll be somewhere else. you won’t live in my head, but out in the world, somewhere for me to forget. i keep pretending i do not have the words to describe this, but in reality, my head has become a dictionary of you. i have memorized every definition, found every synonym.

your pages have continued but i am still lingering on the last chapter. my hands feel like they are knives, i want to rip you apart and chew you up and spit you out. were these the gentle fingers that caressed your cheek? are mine the lips that kissed your neck?

i do not understand how your lips were able to touch another’s so easily, like a slip of the tongue. you made me feel like i am ground to be stepped on when i used to be the air that filled your lungs. i am not easily replaceable i am not easily replaceable i am not easily replaceable.

when people speak your name around me it is as if you have died. they are careful and cautious and they look at me like i will fall apart as the words leave their mouth. maybe you have. maybe i will.

i am writing about you and i am burning your dictionary into the fire of my own words. i wonder if i will carry these ashes with me until i become my own dust. when does the closure occur? i am waiting like a dog and it is consuming me like a bone on the other side of the door.

[lovelyoneirataxia]

[lovelyoneirataxia]

if someone told me to come and listen to the wind blow with them i would do it. if someone told me to come and sit on their bed while they get dressed i would do it. if someone called me late at night to come and walk with them i would not hesitate and i would do it... i would do it to be there

[lovelyoneirataxia]

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, from letters to Natalie Paley

[text ID: Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence.]

[lovelyoneirataxia]

[lovelyoneirataxia]

“Sometimes I really believe it, that I am going to save my life a little.”

— Mary Oliver, from section 4 of “The Return,” What Do We Know: Poems and Prose Poems (Da Capo Press, 2002)

[lovelyoneirataxia]

“Something she cannot name inside her still feels missing.”

— Nikita Gill, from Aphrodite, After in “Great Goddesses: Life Lessons From Myths And Monsters”

[lovelyoneirataxia]

all i ever wanted was someone to share the happy moments with

[lovelyoneirataxia]

it was beautiful, the way the universe made the stars, the ocean, and the moon.  it took a long time to realize that same universe made me, too.

me. 

[lovelyoneirataxia]

and even if i were to stand in a room full of every person that i have ever loved,  i would still have the audacity to tell you that  this is the loneliest i've ever been.

& something about that is so incredibly scary to me. // me.

[lovelyoneirataxia]

i don't understand how it was so easy for you to break my heart.

did you even notice how much it hurt? // me 

[lovelyoneirataxia]

[lovelyoneirataxia]

when the sadness becomes familiar.  that, my darling,  is when we know it's time to move on.

it’s all in your hands. // me. 

[lovelyoneirataxia]

the sight of your name is enough to make me smile

[lovelyoneirataxia]

2am sitting in the dark nobody beside me  except for the ghost of you.

i miss you. // me.

[lovelyoneirataxia]

[lovelyoneirataxia]

your body has always been my favorite resting place. your chest, my favorite pillow.  your arms, my favorite blanket. you, my favorite person.

a safe space // me.