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Crying Over An Empty Snack Box - 2020 Recap

Since I can remember (read: hold a pen) I have loved writing. Writing helped me not to forget about the wonderful things, the bad things, and the little moments in-between. The process of writing has been my remedy whenever life had some unpleasant surprises, whenever I’ve got my heart broken or family drama went next level. With time, I have started sharing my thoughts with those around me and fell in love with the way my words could actually make people feel less alone with their own struggles and the way they resonated with my own thoughts and feelings and the experiences I have made over the years.

I have found that, with my writing, I could reach people, gently make them switch perspectives every now and then, make them laugh, and encourage them to think out of the box. I enjoyed sharing my texts and dreamed about doing so in the bigger picture for years.

However, sharing your own thoughts, stories, and feelings makes you vulnerable and it takes quite a bit of courage to put yourself out there. Whenever I would tell people about my dreams, they would either laugh, tell me how fabulous this idea was but then never really asked about it again or would straight up tell me that I would never make it in any way and that I’d rather go for a safe job, just like everybody else does (thanks Grams, I love you anyway).

“2020 has been a hell of a roller coaster, but for me, it has been the mentor that I didn’t know I needed to finally understand that nobody but me myself has to understand my passions and the path I am walking on. It is mine alone and nobody else has to walk on it.”

Crying Over An Empty Snack Box 

Last year has been a wild one in the weirdest ways possible. When I say a wild one, I obviously don’t mean a year filled with dinner parties and excessive city trips, but rather intense emotions and a lot of “inner work”. Last year has proven to all of us that nothing is certain and we found ourselves being confronted with literally everything in our lives. The things we might regret, the dreams that we never had the courage to turn into our reality, the relationships we never dared to commit to, the kisses we have never kissed, the “I love you”s we’ve never dared to speak out loud, the routine of our 9 to 5 jobs that don’t fulfill us and so much more. Childhood trauma and unhealed wounds from the past have danced the Tango with our fears, and anxiety seems to be the only one who has had a true feast this year.

However, with everything bad that has been brought by the last year, there have been so many lessons learned, wonderful connections have been made (Instagram is a true blessing when it comes to that), and - in my case - some childhood trauma has been healed. They say people either suffered a lot this year or have thrived. Well, I would say I have been a little bit of both. I have thrived a lot but occasionally lost it completely. With that, I mean situations where I would suddenly find myself crying in front of the snack box because the bespoke box was empty and I couldn’t bear the thought of stepping outside and having to deal with other people.

Inner Gardening

One thing that I have stepped out of though, is my comfort zone. I have become stronger than ever, I have learned to dance with my fears, to be grateful for what I have, and have gotten the chance to get to really know me. I did my “inner gardening”, started to care less and less about what other people think or might say about me, and followed my intuition and my intuition only. One morning, after I came out of the shower, I looked into the mirror and felt like I have outgrown my own skin (read: looks), booked an appointment at the hairdresser, and got my hair dyed dark. Afterward, I took a long walk through the city, bought a lipstick I was eying for weeks (Jane’s signature berry lips, for all the Bold Type fans out there), and with all these outside changes, I felt the most like myself that I have ever felt. It’s not about superficially changing into who I want to be without doing the inner work. It’s the inner gardening work that I have done first, that made me grow out of “my old skin”, makes me more comfortable with bolder looks, and therefore allows me to play around without worrying how other people might perceive these changes. Changes. The weirdest changes can lead to the most beautiful transformations both - inside and outside. Uncertainty can transform us into the wonderful strong warriors that we are when we tap into our true and whole potential, listen to our intuition, and celebrate ourselves with every single little “imperfection”.

The Mentor That I Didn’t Know I Needed

With all these changes, I have come to the decision that I don’t want to hide my dreams in little dusty notebooks anymore but that I want to give them a place to bloom. I want to share my stories, my visions, and my thoughts and hope they will inspire you, the reader, as much as I have been inspired by the wonderful words and imageries of other people, too. I hope this place inspires you to do your own inner (gardening) work and to water your own seeds to watch them grow and make them bloom into beautiful wildflowers. Your dreams are as unique and wonderful as you and your story.

2020 has been a hell of a roller coaster, but for me, it has been the mentor that I didn’t know I needed to finally understand that nobody but me myself has to understand my passions and the path I am walking on. It is mine alone and nobody else has to walk on it.

With that realisation and my thoughts and actions actually following it, the most wonderful flowers came to bloom and, next to an incredible amount of gratitude and appreciation for the wonderful people in my life, I invited something / someone else into my life at the end of the year: L O V E . 

(to be continued...)

with love,

Deborah Chloé

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2021 Mood Board. In the mood for love. 

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“SOMETIMES, IT IS LIKE WITH RELATIONSHIPS: THERE IS SO MUCH LOVE BUT THAT DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN IT’S GONNA WORK” (phone call with Antonia 05-17-2020, on friendships and love)

There are people in your life who bring in so much value that even the shortest of phone calls leave you with the most nourishing food of thought and inspiration. Antonia, my best friend and ray of sunshine, is one of them. As an aspiring therapist (every person landing on her “couch” will for sure be a lucky one), she always manages to bring in a perspective and point of view that makes you understand yourself and others in a way that leaves you with peace. Whenever we hang in at the end of a phone call, I feel so much lighter and, even on days where I feel good in general, my chest still feels more free than before. 

Today, we talked for nearly 2 hours (perks of not seeing each other that often) and after talking about the people in our lives - both past and present - and how to let them go because there is just no value in the relationship itself she said something that stuck with me: “Sometimes, it’s like in relationships - there is so much love but that just doesn’t necessarily mean it’s gonna work out.”

It got me thinking... in the end, friendships are nothing else than relationships of some kind and yes, there is so much truth in it. Sometimes, love isn’t enough. Sad but true: love alone is never enough when it comes to a healthy and nourishing relationship of any kind. It is on us to take care of our relationships, but there is almost always a good reason behind it, if we don’t take care of some relationships anymore and take our distance instead. It is on us to nourish our relationships, but it is also on us, to take care of ourselves and to therefore end relationships if they don’t bring any value in our life.