loudbeanbagelfarm-blog

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

BACK AT IT AGAIN YERRRRRRRRRRR

tbh i’m only here because i just wanna remind myself that if i fuck up with this man, i’m a dumbass bitch. he really fucking likes me.

I’m more indecisive than your gfs when you ask them what they want to eat.

so.. like this guy over the summer and dropped every hoe i had for him because imma keep it a buck he was the first guy i thought i could love after my ex who had dumped me before our senior year ended. sap shit right? well, he cheated on me. like genuinely cheated, lied to my face, then acted nonchalant when i told him i already knew the truth in full detail. broke my heart, thought “well shit i guess i never mattered to him. since he hurt me imma hurt him back.” all those posts i had made previously about the boy i likes was about this guys best friend cause i wanted to get even, even though that’s really not who i am as a person i was just too blind to see how fucked up i was acting. so, long story short me and the guy who cheated on me talked shit out and decided to be friends cause his cousin is my best friend and our friend group is tight asf and we didn’t wanna ruin it. once his ex best friend peeped us back cool again, he started clowning me on social media calling me out my name and shit talking my whole personality and philosophy cause i “didn’t stand by it with this man” (if you do me wrong i always give second chances but if you cheat you’re dead to me, but then again yanno that would mess up our friend group and that’s not the moves so we made amends). so i had to block him. i felt good yanno? no more negative energy or thoughts about either of them. then i saw the one who cheated on me the last two days in a row. and it clicked in my brain that it’s him, it’s always been him, and i still want him. but my brain ALSO was like “lemme give you a visual representation of what possibly happened when he chose that girl over you for those two little flings” which inevitably caused me to disassociate and become standoffish with him and our group. and then we talked and he still has feelings for me too but he knows that if he tries to commit now that he’ll just end up hurting me again but this time cause we both have no time to actually see each other or be with each other a or even just y’all otp as much, and boy howdy did i fucking appreciate that. but i’m still so goddamn sad cause i’m really a clown. like fuck me bruh, beep beep richie. and idek what to do bout it cause ion wanna move on but i do because man wtf i look like fuckin on a dude who was cool with fuckin on some bitch when i was literally always down for him. AND STILL AM, LIKE A GODDAMN CLOWN BRUH. i swear imma just change my display name to khaiondra the dancing clown cause this is getting outta fucking hand.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

ANDDDDDDDDD WE’RE BACK ON THE BULLSHIT YERRRRRRRRRRR

so, basically, i downloaded tinder again because i was bored, i’m lonely, and i wanted to stop clowning myself for guys who don’t deserve me. it’s been 2 1/2 days since i downloaded it, and i’ve already deleted it because i found a sweet, cute nerdy black boy on there. so last night i stayed at his dorm room from 8:45 till 3 in the morning and i had a blast with him, he’s so sweet and gentle and kind with every touch and he asks for consent at all times and just, so so sweet. so, yes i’m fast as hell but i know what i want and how to be safe doing what i want, we started off slow yanno, i asked him if i could kiss him and he told me yes and we sat there for a good 5 minutes even though it felt like longer and i couldn’t get enough of him already. when we pulled back he said that he didn’t wanna sound cheesy but he felt a spark and now i know for certain that i’m living my life like y/n (:

we definitely made love, it was different and i actually nutted and he made me FEEL like i could FEEL the tension between us and i could FEEL the lust i had for him and even more so i could FEEL the evident connection between us. he’s so sweet man, he asked me for my consent in every step of the way and it never failed to make me genuinely want him more and then the conversations just. you ever talk to someone and it’s like you could talk about everything under the sun with someone and it never gets boring? that’s how it was but even more. he actually listened to me, and sympathized with me and we shared sad, and goofy stories and watched/commented on big mouth. so so much. so so so so much, it made me the happiest. i was more than happy to be up under him and around him and to hear all about his interests, it made me happy to see that even if he was faking everything (which i don’t think is true) he showed me that he likes me. and i feel in my gut that he genuinely likes me. and i know i’m a fucking clown and i’ll do anything for love but honestly this is too good to be true he’s too great. i can’t get enough of him. any thought of being around him from last night excites me and i feel like a summer walker song. he makes me feel nice, and i want more of it.

I’m more indecisive than your gfs when you ask them what they want to eat.

so.. like this guy over the summer and dropped every hoe i had for him because imma keep it a buck he was the first guy i thought i could love after my ex who had dumped me before our senior year ended. sap shit right? well, he cheated on me. like genuinely cheated, lied to my face, then acted nonchalant when i told him i already knew the truth in full detail. broke my heart, thought “well shit i guess i never mattered to him. since he hurt me imma hurt him back.” all those posts i had made previously about the boy i likes was about this guys best friend cause i wanted to get even, even though that’s really not who i am as a person i was just too blind to see how fucked up i was acting. so, long story short me and the guy who cheated on me talked shit out and decided to be friends cause his cousin is my best friend and our friend group is tight asf and we didn’t wanna ruin it. once his ex best friend peeped us back cool again, he started clowning me on social media calling me out my name and shit talking my whole personality and philosophy cause i “didn’t stand by it with this man” (if you do me wrong i always give second chances but if you cheat you’re dead to me, but then again yanno that would mess up our friend group and that’s not the moves so we made amends). so i had to block him. i felt good yanno? no more negative energy or thoughts about either of them. then i saw the one who cheated on me the last two days in a row. and it clicked in my brain that it’s him, it’s always been him, and i still want him. but my brain ALSO was like “lemme give you a visual representation of what possibly happened when he chose that girl over you for those two little flings” which inevitably caused me to disassociate and become standoffish with him and our group. and then we talked and he still has feelings for me too but he knows that if he tries to commit now that he’ll just end up hurting me again but this time cause we both have no time to actually see each other or be with each other a or even just y’all otp as much, and boy howdy did i fucking appreciate that. but i’m still so goddamn sad cause i’m really a clown. like fuck me bruh, beep beep richie. and idek what to do bout it cause ion wanna move on but i do because man wtf i look like fuckin on a dude who was cool with fuckin on some bitch when i was literally always down for him. AND STILL AM, LIKE A GODDAMN CLOWN BRUH. i swear imma just change my display name to khaiondra the dancing clown cause this is getting outta fucking hand.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

I’m more indecisive than your gfs when you ask them what they want to eat.

so.. like this guy over the summer and dropped every hoe i had for him because imma keep it a buck he was the first guy i thought i could love after my ex who had dumped me before our senior year ended. sap shit right? well, he cheated on me. like genuinely cheated, lied to my face, then acted nonchalant when i told him i already knew the truth in full detail. broke my heart, thought “well shit i guess i never mattered to him. since he hurt me imma hurt him back.” all those posts i had made previously about the boy i likes was about this guys best friend cause i wanted to get even, even though that’s really not who i am as a person i was just too blind to see how fucked up i was acting. so, long story short me and the guy who cheated on me talked shit out and decided to be friends cause his cousin is my best friend and our friend group is tight asf and we didn’t wanna ruin it. once his ex best friend peeped us back cool again, he started clowning me on social media calling me out my name and shit talking my whole personality and philosophy cause i “didn’t stand by it with this man” (if you do me wrong i always give second chances but if you cheat you’re dead to me, but then again yanno that would mess up our friend group and that’s not the moves so we made amends). so i had to block him. i felt good yanno? no more negative energy or thoughts about either of them. then i saw the one who cheated on me the last two days in a row. and it clicked in my brain that it’s him, it’s always been him, and i still want him. but my brain ALSO was like “lemme give you a visual representation of what possibly happened when he chose that girl over you for those two little flings” which inevitably caused me to disassociate and become standoffish with him and our group. and then we talked and he still has feelings for me too but he knows that if he tries to commit now that he’ll just end up hurting me again but this time cause we both have no time to actually see each other or be with each other a or even just y’all otp as much, and boy howdy did i fucking appreciate that. but i’m still so goddamn sad cause i’m really a clown. like fuck me bruh, beep beep richie. and idek what to do bout it cause ion wanna move on but i do because man wtf i look like fuckin on a dude who was cool with fuckin on some bitch when i was literally always down for him. AND STILL AM, LIKE A GODDAMN CLOWN BRUH. i swear imma just change my display name to khaiondra the dancing clown cause this is getting outta fucking hand.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

my friend might be dying.

i spent my night up till 4 contemplating mortality, and how we still have no clue where we go. i spent my night crying and blanking out and shaking until i’d go back to the start and recycle my feelings. i for higher than i’ve been in awhile, and i tried so hard to make myself drowsy enough to sleep off my fears. i mean, who’s to say what’ll happen to my friend? not i. but that doesn’t mean ever scary thought i have about his health should be spoken into existence. that doesn’t mean that he’ll stay sick forever or that he won’t miraculously feel like a million dollars soon with prayers and the knowledge that he’s loved and there are people who wanna see him healthy and happy again. and yet that changed nothing. i was stuck in my own negativity that my mood swings increasingly got worst the more i thought about it. i cried and cried till i stopped to laugh and giggle and push down my thoughts till i became completely stiff only to realize it’s beyond late and i need sleep, which still didn’t come easy because i had to physically talk myself down from my emotional high in order to get at least a sliver of sleep. it hurts. i want him better. but what am i to do when my friend might be dying?

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

imma start adding on to this and this’ll just be my simp shit.

i just had an hour phone call with my best friend because i told her that i was literally two seconds from getting out of the car and walking into oncoming traffic. she has yet to every make me feel like she absolutely doesn’t care about me, like we have our ups and downs like anyone else but when it comes down to it i know she’ll be by my side forever and an eternity. she obviously stopped me though the feeling hasn’t escaped me but that’s fine cause at least i’m still here and trying even if i feel like i’m a utter failure at all aspects of my life. she talked me up about making sure i won’t drown in my own misery and how she’s going to make sure i make it florida for college like we’ve planned for four years now and that she’s proud of me for making an effort in getting another job that pays better than my current one despite all odds being against me and i really fuckin needed that because i’m tired of feeling like i’m a disappointment to everyone i come across. i just wanna be okay but at this point idk what being okay is so imma settle for being content, as per usual.

hi it’s ya resident clown checking in because the guy she likes doesn’t ACTUALLY like her at all lmfao. i try so hard to be someone that maybe somebody will actually like and cherish and all that other utter bullshit but nope i don’t get that luxury because at best i am side hoe material. even when i’m the main i’m still a fuckin side hoe. i waited till 1 in the morning for a call from the same guy who told me he went out with a girl that he kept saying he wasn’t dubbing me for on a “hangout” yesterday, but did i give him the benefit of the doubt because i trust that he wouldn’t ACTUALLY do anything to hurt me? duh 🤡. but did i ever get my call? nope 🤡. and i was and still fuckin am so exhausted emotionally cause i don’t even wanna like him. i’ve made it clear that i don’t want to like him for many reasons. he supports trump cause of his family, he says the n word (he a caucasian boi), he likes to play around with my paranoia/jealousy but doesn’t know to what extent how serious shit like that to me is and i’m trying so hard like literally SO HARD not to burst my bubble and just block him because he didn’t ACTUALLY do anything to hurt me. cause i’ve known from the start when he shot me down the first couple times that i’m not his type, that in his eyes i’m a good friend that he can do stuff freely with, and that he follows his own code in which he doesn’t want “his ex best friends leftovers” (which i’m not but that’s how the other guy describes me so lmfao whatever sure). and i just

i’m miserable. i’m utterly and entirely miserable. i’m drained, i’m depressed, i wanna cry constantly, it makes no sense at all. i hate how i feel. i’m so over this.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

hi it’s ya resident clown checking in because the guy she likes doesn’t ACTUALLY like her at all lmfao. i try so hard to be someone that maybe somebody will actually like and cherish and all that other utter bullshit but nope i don’t get that luxury because at best i am side hoe material. even when i’m the main i’m still a fuckin side hoe. i waited till 1 in the morning for a call from the same guy who told me he went out with a girl that he kept saying he wasn’t dubbing me for on a “hangout” yesterday, but did i give him the benefit of the doubt because i trust that he wouldn’t ACTUALLY do anything to hurt me? duh 🤡. but did i ever get my call? nope 🤡. and i was and still fuckin am so exhausted emotionally cause i don’t even wanna like him. i’ve made it clear that i don’t want to like him for many reasons. he supports trump cause of his family, he says the n word (he a caucasian boi), he likes to play around with my paranoia/jealousy but doesn’t know to what extent how serious shit like that to me is and i’m trying so hard like literally SO HARD not to burst my bubble and just block him because he didn’t ACTUALLY do anything to hurt me. cause i’ve known from the start when he shot me down the first couple times that i’m not his type, that in his eyes i’m a good friend that he can do stuff freely with, and that he follows his own code in which he doesn’t want “his ex best friends leftovers” (which i’m not but that’s how the other guy describes me so lmfao whatever sure). and i just

i’m miserable. i’m utterly and entirely miserable. i’m drained, i’m depressed, i wanna cry constantly, it makes no sense at all. i hate how i feel. i’m so over this.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

idk what to do

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

“Fuck you for supporting Trump, but fuck me cause I still really like you stoopid.”

— A very annoyed and sad Khaiondra

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

i feel so fucking useless man. my mom will say and do everything to undermine me and i just take it laying down as if it does nothing to me but it HURTS. i’m tired of feeling so disgusting in my own skin. i just wanna be able to say i’m okay but no one lets me breathe, nothing leaves me be. i’m stuck in a cycle of constant emotional harassment because when i think i’m finally good to calm myself and be happy again something else happens. i’m miserable. and this misery does NOT like company.

guess i’ll just stay isolated in my room when i don’t have work /:

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

i wanna experience a true and genuine friendship with no ulterior motives.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

i have this heavy feeling in my chest and yesterday it just got ten times heavier and i just wanna be rid of everything. and i feel like i’m still not doing enough. like jesus so much is happening and i just wanna help someone or be someone’s go to or feel like what i’m saying tot his person actually affects them. i feel like all my actions are taken for face value and all my words go in one ear and out the other. i just want someone to care about everything that has to do with me the way i care about everyone and everything else. i want so much and it’s like impossible to reach but i can’t help but hope for better and for more in life. and yet, everything is still against me. i keep praying for better times and then i’m faced with another obstacle and no one actually cares to check and see how i am so i’m left to face my life on my own. guess i just have to figure out how to face it on my own terms. at least that’s one thing i control.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

she’s feeling like a spider in a cage, you liar.

you were her desire, now she wants light you on fire.

[loudbeanbagelfarm-blog]

I miss you.

I had to take you away yesterday and even getting to say goodbye to you, I have no bigger regret than letting you go. I want you to come back home. It’s only been a day and I’d give anything for you to come back home. Please be safe. I hope you found a good home.