lostinmyramblings

[lostinmyramblings]

Andrea Gibson

[lostinmyramblings]

September 4. 

I am consumed with ideas of bettering myself but I can’t seem to shift the needle, my conscious is telling me what I need to do, the diet, the exercise, the break from the sluggish routine I’ve fallen into but my body seems to defy the action. I wake up with the sun, the warm early morning light welcoming me, but still I confine myself to my bed for hours hoping to fall back to sleep, fall into the bliss of nothing and dreams that are incomparable with my day to day, there I can be me, live out my whims and desires in the version of myself I can look at in the mirror. It doesn’t happen though, as much as I try to empty my mind, keep my eyes shut and defy the day to come I simply cannot fall. 

Wasting away hours in nothingness is my greatest skill, I ponder how many months I’ve squandered to the nothing , I would say hours or days or weeks but truly now it is in the months I will never get back. If given the opportunity to pay for those months back, I wonder where id spend them in retrospect, would I give them up to have more moments with my future children, with the loves of my life or grasping at experiences I never fulfilled. Knowing myself and my impediments with change I would likely once again end up in the dark, under the press of my duvet with the hum of heavy silence enveloping me and my rushing thoughts crushing my brain into a marble, unlike pressure crushes carbon to diamonds. As I am not diamond, I do not shine, I do not catch the eye, instead I seem to take the light and diffuse it into dull heavy fog.

Truly I do not think I would pay, i would find no worth in me continuing on, if I did not live those moments when I could why should I be given such a second chance, let someone else have my time, my worth, for they will undoubtedly spend it better. 

Though I wish I could chose who can have those seconds, minutes, hours and days of mine, id divide it among the greats, the writers, the painters, those who have departed but left an unfaked impact, my legacy could dissolve into the nothing I am so accustomed to just so they could even have a few more seconds to breathe the air and touch the grass, to speak words which will live on. 

I suppose I now plan to write and express my ineptitudes my common, simple experiences, into this void just in case even one person could see this and can see a reflection of themselves even in parts and break the drowning cycle, take the breath of air and choose life, real life.

 I do not want another soul to chose to have this shallow hollow core within them. 

Run, scream, hate, love, live, whatever you do, do something.

.s 

   monday september 4th 2023 

   22.03pm