losthomisexual

[losthomisexual]

Mini havamal zine

This is a mini havamal zine i made with my favourite stanazas. Both for my own use and giving to anyone who tries to give me a bible haha

[losthomisexual]

This is a nature calendar from the people of the Gariwerd region in victoria australia.

The moon names have been changed to suit the australian landscape.

I have added more information from other sources as well.

But I do feel like theres way too much information in each section.

Should i make it just about the weather and remove the plants and/or animals??

[losthomisexual]

This is a norse calendar adapted for victoria australia.

The seasons are based upon the Gariwerd calendar.

My holiday descriptions are pretty basic but nice to have as a general reference.

This is what works for me through my research.

[losthomisexual]

Open your mind

Time is relative, everything is everywhere.

Look through the glass of time and space.

Energy is in everything, what secrets do they hold?

Learn from the stories of old.

Be kind to nature and those within.

Be at peace with your shadow self and ego.

[losthomisexual]

Heavily influenced by thesaxonstoryteller on ig, this is a rework i did in black and grey with some elements changed for my own spin on it. I only used their version coz i couldnt for the life of me figure out the berserker head in particular haha

Both originally based on a 6th ce stone carving.

[losthomisexual]

Sköll chasing Sól (the sun in norse paganism)

Alternatively Fenrir eating the sun at Ragnarök

Just a phone background i made i thought id share

[losthomisexual]

Intro/beginners guide to paganism

This is a brief guide based on my personal experiences and research.

What is Paganism?

Now this is a big question with limited evidence but lets go through what we know and how people practice today. A lot of our sources for old religions were written by christians or romans where they could have skewed the original meanings for their own agendas. Christianity played a large role in the loss of these beliefs by ways of genocide, missionaries, renaming holidays and more. My ancestry being European i research more into Celtic, germanic, norse and Anglo-Saxon beliefs but everyone has roots and if traced back far enough we find similar beliefs across the globe. There are also a lot of neopagan religions and beliefs like Wicca and witchcraft with many subcategories.

Paganism for me is about a deeper connection to nature, myself, the spirits of the land and honouring those who’ve come before. Its being grateful for what we have, spending time with our family and friends, being kind and respectful of our surroundings and those within whether thats people, animals or plants. It gives me a bigger perspective, helping to see through hardships and take lessons from them rather than begging the gods for forgiveness or salvation. Even just walking through the bush i get a sense of how small i am in the world, we are all just small cogs in the wheel of time, passing on our lessons and stories through the generations. Norse paganism tends to have more stories than others so i tend to find myself drawn to them for guidance and symbolism. Everything around us has a spirit or a soul all the way from the sky, rain, and thunder to the grass, rocks and dirt beneath our feet, there is spiritual energy everywhere. When it comes to the afterlife i don’t really think about it much but it could be reincarnation, a realm for the dead although nothing like heaven and hell, just a resting place or even something else entirely. Living in the present is more important to me.

So how can you practice paganism?

Seasonal changes are important in paganism as well as the equinoxes and solstices.

Following the natural cycle and staying in tune with it is a simple way to get closer to nature, our ancestors and the spiritual realm. For me i also flip the holidays to suit my climate as i live in Australia so the seasons are inverted.

Many people have altars or sacred spaces in their homes but i also encourage people to go outside and create a space if they can. Whether its just a rock were you place meat or bread offerings or a tree or lake you visit you don’t need much to practice paganism.

If you cant do that thats okay too, light a candle and make an altar out of items you have found and felt a connection to.

Create an inviting, cozy atmosphere and keep it clean and cleansed to avoid unwanted spirits and energies. For holidays you could have a feast and drink beer and wine with friends and family around a fire for instance. Throughout the year theres lots of small ways to feel some magic like following the phases of the moon, cleaning, making things with intention, mindful walks, having a garden or house plants, meditation or working with charms for some examples.

There is no one way to practice and no one can be right, it is all interpretation and feeling.

You can follow a set of gods, pick and choose or none at all. You can perform rituals, spells or divination or not it is not a practice with rules unlike other big religions. Even just the term pagan or animism may be enough for you.

Whether it’s something more modern, a reconstruction or neither, you don’t have to choose a particular path or label just do what feels right to you.

Overall I believe paganism is a way of life, an open way of thinking rooted in nature, gratitude and respect.

[losthomisexual]

I forgot to update this page but im almost 6 months post op top surgery with andrew ives 😁

[losthomisexual]

2 yrs and 11 months on T

[losthomisexual]

the impulse to hide what I'm doing at my computer still sits so deep even tho I'm literally never looking at anything objectionable , the door will open and I'll hurry to close the page like oh fuck no one can know I'm looking at the Wikipedia page for the Balkans

[losthomisexual]

Does this resonate with you?

I find it pretty accurate.

Big thanks to myautisticsoul for making this.

[losthomisexual]

I think I had a meltdown yesterday. I’m not dxed but I think I’m autistic. I had a good day but it was out of my routine. I’ve had a long week, went to some protests this week. Yesterday I woke up earlier than usual, had donuts for breakfast instead of my normal cereal, went thrifting, and didn’t get home until after 5pm. It was quite a bit colder out than it has been which was uncomfortable, I wad tired, I hadn’t eaten anything but donuts, and half the lights in my kitchen were out... (1/2?)

...It was all just too much. I wanted to make oatmeal for dinner but my parents had already had their dinner. It was getting late. I felt bad acting like I was. I was getting whiny and losing control of my tone. I’m 24 so they were annoyed. I haven’t gotten like this in a LONG time. Years maybe. They were playing music loudly and talking over it, there was loud music coming from outside. It was all too much but I needed to eat. But the lights in the kitchen were out... (2/?)

My mom passive aggressively asked if I wanted her to make me food. I said no cause I didn’t want to be a bother. I was getting increasingly more frustrated and I didn’t know at the time what had caused this. I was finding it difficult to form words and communicate. My parents were confused and upset with me. They acted like I was doing this on purpose to upset them. I would never do that. It only made me feel worse. I felt stupid and rude and immature... (3/?)

[Part 4 eaten by tumblr]

...I was texting my friends all upset. My one friend called me saying he could get me a job where he works. Thats not what I was looking for but his caring made me cry more. I woke up today and wanted to tell my parents I’d been laid off but they weren’t home. When they got home I called for my mom but she was outside and my dad scolded me for my tone saying I should be nicer considering my poor behavior last night. That annoyed me. I hadn’t eaten yet but went to my room and shut the door (5/?)

[Part 6 eaten by tumblr]

She came back upstairs again a while later and I tried to explain everything and she told me she was having a rough time seeing me like this and it upset her and brought back ptsd from her family growing up. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to delve into that with her so I just apologized. I feel terrible. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I was kinda just in a panic. I was overwhelmed and confused and tired and hungry and uncomfortable and upset. It was too much.(7/?)

[Part 8 eaten by tumblr]

Ask date: September 12

Dear anon, 

This sounds like a meltdown to me.  This is exactly how I react when I have a meltdown.  First, my mask crumbles and my true self comes out (you had this when your “tone” was “wrong”).  Then I become extremely sensitive to literally everything, and then I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry, it’s uncontrollable.  

The first thing I want to say is, you did NOTHING wrong.  Your PARENTS were wrong, in how they treated you.  You did nothing to hurt them, and they did actions that only made it worse, by getting upset with you for “acting autistic.”  You were exhausted and being bombarded by overloading sensations, your routine being messed up, and physical hunger/exhaustion.  Nobody is their best self under those conditions, and you are autistic, so you showed your autism.

I would have had a meltdown under those conditions too.  I felt stressed out just reading about the day you had!  I know it’s been awhile since it’s happened by now (I’m about a month behind in my asks), so it might be a good time now, to talk to your parents about what happened for you that day.  Maybe only one parent, pick the one you think might understand the best, and try to explain to them what it was like for you that day.  I don’t know what might come of such a conversation, but it might be worth it to try.

As for what to do about it, try to remember those feelings as they were building up- so that you can recognize them next time, and stop the overload before it gets out of control.  You said this: “I was getting increasingly more frustrated and I didn’t know at the time what had caused this.” and this is very true!  Not knowing that you’re reaching overload is one of the most dangerous parts of overload.  So now that you know what it’s like to have a meltdown, you can more easily recognize the feelings that lead up to it- and do things to protect yourself.

Next time, let your mom make the food for you.  She might have done some other things wrong, such as getting annoyed at your “tone”, but at this part, she was really trying to help.  So let her.  Also, removing yourself from all the noises/smells/social is always good- next time you feel this way, go into a quiet room away from everyone and do something your brain finds comforting.   If you notice that the music outside is driving you crazy, then put in some earbuds and put on music you like, or white noise.  You can take steps to help yourself before you reach that point.

I’m so sorry that you had to go through a meltdown.  They suck, there’s no two ways about it.  But the good part is, you were able to recognize it afterwards, and so you can be more knowledgeable for next time.  

I still want to stress that you did nothing wrong.  You did your best in an extremely difficult environment.  Now you know better how to change that environment to make it less difficult for you, and so hopefully you won’t have to face something this intense again.  The more you take care of yourself and protect your senses and your brain, the less often you will get overloaded, which is only ever a good thing : )

[losthomisexual]

I melted down today

Over a turkey sandwich. To an outsider, it probably looked like a tantrum over something small. To me, it was the cumulation of a lot of little factors leading to a mental crash.

Sandwiches are lunch food, not dinner food. Dinner should be warm; sandwiches are cold. People around me wouldn’t understand if I explained that I physically could not eat the sandwich because it was the wrong time and the wrong temperature. I couldn’t communicate, and I couldn’t escape. I was already tired. This was one thing too many.

Meltdowns have reasons, even if they might not seem rational to you. Be respectful and don’t force things.

[losthomisexual]

Do you think is it an autistic thing not want to eat during what's likely a shutdown/meltdown? Even samefoods is hard to accept and I don't feel the energy to cook the stuff I love to cook. I just wanna stay in bed, but my head doesn't seem to be here. I don't have the energy to order food online too. Any tips in how to handle all this?

Ask date: September 12th

Do you think is it an autistic thing not want to eat during what's likely a shutdown/meltdown? YES!  Yes, absolutely!  

Even samefoods is hard to accept and I don't feel the energy to cook the stuff I love to cook. I just wanna stay in bed, but my head doesn't seem to be here. I don't have the energy to order food online too. Okay so now that you’ve described this further, this is not meltdown/shutdown, this is autistic burnout, which can absolutely happen after a meltdown/shutdown is over (though you don’t have to have a meltdown/shutdown in order to reach burnout).

So let me go through the difference between these terms, and then I’ll address your question about eating (because that’s a very important question).

I’m sure you’ve heard of the survival response called “fight-or-flight”.  This means that when an animal is in danger, their brain has to process the best way to react to that danger- to fight it, or to run from it. It’s not just humans who react this way, almost all animals experience this, that’s how basic of an instinct it is.

This simplified view is a little misleading, because there is a third option, which many animals also choose and I’m sure you’ve seen them do- freeze.

So it’s not really “fight-or-flight”, it’s “fight, flight, or freeze”.  And these are the 3 options that ANY brain, from a fish to a human, will go through when we are in danger.  This is instinct survival, it is instinct.

Now humans normally have much more complex thoughts than this.  We have evolved the ability to make many more decisions.  For example, if a thief broke into someone’s house, that person might try to reason with the thief instead.  Talk them out of it.  Or promise to not call the police if you just don’t hurt me.  We have incredible capacity for finding solutions and creative thinking.

But when a human brain reaches overload, that means our critical thinking part of our brain is unable to work.  Overload means exactly what it sounds like- your brain is too full, from trying to process sensory input and/or emotions that are too much, and it has no thinking power left for critical thoughts.  Overload can happen to any human brain- but the situation has to be VERY EXTREME for it to happen to allistics (such as war).  Autistics are different, in that we can reach overload in daily life, from daily activities.

So when a brain reaches this level of overload, it switches from “complex thinking human” into “simple animal instinct”.  This triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response.  If your brain selected fight or flight, this is a meltdown.  If your brain selected freeze, this is a shutdown.

So here’s an example of a meltdown, and what it looks like.  Warning for disturbing descriptions of a meltdown, and if you think the following italic section might be upsetting to you, don’t read it.

You’re sitting on your couch, watching TV. You’re wearing clothes that you like how they look, but they’re slightly uncomfortable. Your “overload” bar is at 10/100, everything is fine. Your mom walks into the room and starts talking. Your brain is now trying to listen to both the TV and your mom.  Your overload bar is at 30/100, you’re slightly frustrated but you’re getting by.  While your mom is talking, your dad starts cooking something and a Bad Smell comes out of the kitchen.  This sensory input of smell competes with the sensory input of the two sounds going into your brain, and your brain struggles to process them.  Your overload bar is now at 70/100, and you’re very stressed.  Your brain suddenly can’t process the uncomfortable clothes you’re wearing.  You realize just how itchy and horrible they really are and you need to get them off, but your mom won’t stop talking.  The smell won’t stop smelling.  The TV won’t stop noising.  Then your brother walks in the room and makes that Bad Sound he does when he clears his throat.  You are at 100/100, your brain can’t handle ANY of this anymore.  Your brain is DESPERATE to MAKE IT STOP, make any of it stop.  You start screaming for your mom to shut up and you rip your shirt off.  She reacts badly and tries to make you put it back on, touching you, which is another sensory input.  Your brain is ready to fight for survival.  You kick, scream, cry, and try to get away.  Fighting isn’t working so your brain switches to running.  You run into your room and slam the door.

You are safe.  The Bad Sensory Inputs have stopped, and you are able to think again. Your “overload bar” is down to 80. The meltdown is OVER.  It is over, because you can think again.  

So that is a meltdown.  So no, a person is not going to be eating during a meltdown- because they are in survival mode.  They are fighting or running.  Those are the only actions a person in a meltdown is able to do.  They are certainly not going to be able to eat, or cook, or make phone calls.

So what you described sounds like burnout, which can happen after a meltdown/shutdown is over.  Going through overload is exhausting,  it is absolutely draining, it depletes your energy probably for the rest of the day, and perhaps for many days.  After an overload, a person can exhibit the symptoms you described- such as being much too exhausted even to get out of bed.  Of course you are!  You are recovering!  Your body and mind have just gone through a horrific ordeal, and you need to recover, which means you need to rest.  

During burnout, an autistic brain is more suceptible to becoming overloaded again.  THings that you can normally handle are not handle-able right now.  You need to protect yourself, desperately, from any more sensory input- and guess what is a HUGE source of sensory input? Eating.  Eating involves all 5 senses at once.  It takes a LOT of brain processing power to handle eating, and if you’re in burnout from having just come out of overload, it makes total sense that your brain is not able to handle all the sensory inputs from eating.

So after that extremely long explanation, what’s my advice?  My advice is that during burnout, you need to protect your brain AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE from ANY bad sensory inputs.  Even things you can normally handle, do not force your brain to deal with it in this situation.  If you can’t get out of bed then stay in bed.  You need to rest.  You need to let your brain recover.

If this goes on for a long time, and you become very hungry, then eat whatever.  WHATEVER seems the easiest to eat.  I mean candy.  I mean chips.  Snacks.  I don’t care what it is.  It’s not important right now to force yourself to eat this or that- your brain can’t handle it, but your body needs energy, so eat WHATEVER.

Once you have truly recovered from the overload, and are able to get out of bed again, then you can do things like ordering real food, or eating samefoods.  But be gentle with your poor brain.  It has just gone through an experience that allistic brains only go through under extreme circumstances like war.  That’s how tired you are.  It’s okay to miss a meal if you don’t feel like it. If you’re hungry, eat whatever.

If you find yourself being in a burnout state repeatedly, over a long period of time, then you need to take steps to remove overload situations from your life.  You cannot live like this for a long period of time.  Autistic burnout is very serious and the symptoms mirror depression.  So if you find yourself in an autistic burnout state often, you must make changes to your life to reduce the chances of you becoming overloaded.

I know this was a really long post, but I felt this was a very important topic, and it was an extremely good question, so I wanted to give it the attention it deserved.

You are a beautiful, important person, and you deserve to be taken care of, so please be the person who takes care of you.  Be gentle and kind to yourself.  Protect your brain from the things that overload it, whatever they are, so that it can do its job.

[losthomisexual]

Autistic Emergency Meltdown Kit

Okay, everyone, I’ve been bouncing an idea around in my head for awhile and I’d like opinions and suggestions!

An Emergency Autistic Meltdown Kit

I wanna make and sell this one day. A kit with stuff to help calm autistics having sensory overload. Would work for any autistic, but especially geared towards parents and anyone that would need to watch over/care for an autistic person.

Current list of possible kit items:

-a Meltdown Guide (explains what it is, how to spot it, and how to react to it) -headphones -sunglasses -soft things -a small light blanket -fluffy things -chocolate/crackers -fiddle toy -stuffed animal

-a usb drive/SDcard containing: -soothing music -relaxing ambient sounds -a copy of the Meltdown Guide -a link to download the USB contents again later

Should I add anything? Suggestions? Would you buy or suggest it? Let me know!

[losthomisexual]

Cool-Down Tips

Small tips to help yourself calm down from an overload, anxiety attack, or anything you feel is overwhelming. I got these from my therapist :)

1. cross your arms or one of your arms over your chest. use two fingers to tap on your collarbone or whatever area feels comfortable and close your eyes if you’re comfy enough in the area you’re in. focus and listen to yourself breathing, do not break this focus. do not listen to others around you, just listen to your body.

2. this one is called the 5 senses countdown, it’s actually really really helpful for me! count backwards from five, using your senses to do this. count 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. you can switch up the order of the senses, but be sure to count backwards. <3

3. if breathing helps you, try doing this one. breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it in for 6, and let it out for 8. if this doesn’t work, try to breathe slowly and time some hand movements with the inhale and exhale of your breaths.

[losthomisexual]

a sensory mess

long post because I was hyperfocusing 

well I don’t really do the kicking-screaming-violently crying type of meltdown anymore, unless things are Really Bad. actually, I never really did that. I was more of a cry so violently I can’t breathe, let alone speak and run away to a quiet place kind of meltdown but that’s beside the point. this makes me look like I don’t have meltdowns anymore. that observation is incorrect. 

I’ve been melting down a little more than usual recently because of sensory overload and just my like generally falling apart so I thought I’d kinda write it out to figure out what I’m like. I guess this is useful if you know me irl? 

most people cover their ears when there is a loud noise and if I do it for the duration that, say I’m walking past construction work, that’s ok. what’s bad is when I cover my ears for a long time, usually accompanied with closing my eyes, rocking slightly, tapping on my head or chewing my hands and bouncing my leg. I’m probably very snappish, if not I’m ignoring everyone and nonverbal. if it’s not a meltdown based on sensory overload, I might have destructive tendencies (ie. biting, ripping paper, tightly gripping things). more likely to be nonverbal, or producing non-speaking noises. I might also be crying. I might lash out if someone touches me or gets too close unexpectedly. I’m not really going to be in control of myself. 

shutdowns, because those also happen. people have a fight, flight, freeze response. when I shut down, I’m either nonverbal or it takes too much effort to talk. usually when I’m tired (emotionally, mentally, etc) or when it’s very noisy (sensory overload) and I will freeze in my place for a while and maybe try to run out of the room (looking at the floor) when I can move. I probably would like a hug (it helps ground me). I shutdown more than I meltdown due to heavy masking. 

dissociation, usually coupled with a panic attack. I used to like doing this when I was getting scolded and things like that but I don’t like it now. being out of control scares me. usually I just feel like there’s a wall between me and the world, I’m kinda floaty and idk what’s going on. I’m likely very spacy. happens more when I’m tired. hugs are good for grounding. I might start panicking because my body is more or less on autopilot and I can’t control it. apparently sometimes when that happens I start digging my nails into my arms or doing anything that causes pain because I don’t know how to ground myself and sometimes pain works for a little bit (this is bad, please stop me. if im unlucky the marks can stay for days)

sensory overload, my worse tormentor. kinda speaks for itself, loud noises, complex noises, overwhelming smells, overly bright light, dim light (like museum lighting/teaching streaming movie in class lighting), public transport at peak hour, non-safe people touching me especially without warning. there’s more but it’s about that. uhhh, usually leads to shutdowns or meltdowns. if it’s passing, like a sudden loud, painful noise, I might cover my ears and want some grounding but i’ll be fine after a while. if it’s Bad, then I might meltdown or shutdown but probably not full out. I would want to get out of the place as fast as possible. 

burnout. when I’m out of spoons, makes me meltdown/shutdown/dissociate more easily. best for me to just rest at home but if I’m out and can’t escape it, I’ll probably want to go somewhere quiet with a safe person and just rest with them for a while. 

in all the above scenarios, i would want my jacket. and also probably a hug but not always. and stim toys help. and earpieces probably. or running water because water calms me down. 

safe people because what counts as a safe person? a safe person is someone that I’m comfortable with, that I will go to when seeking things like hugs and will naturally gravitate to them when I see them in the room or something like that. basically whoever i’m clingy to. which makes me annoying but yeah, you get the idea. 

bonus: misophonia. I can try to tolerate but vibration (if you’re shaking ur leg and stuff), loud irregular tapping and just like chewing noises and that annoying sksksks thing (s is usually pretty bad) will make activate a fight response and also asmr. I try my best but it will irritate me and I might snap at you. it makes me very uncomfortable (think nails on chalkboard but for like everything) and I will remove myself from the vicinity of the noise if I can. if I can’t, I’ll try my best but it really makes me want to lash out so idk.  

so that’s the not so fun side of autism for you. 

(so yes, I’m going to die during camp and mostly this is for myself because I like to keep track of things)