lonewoodstraveler

[lonewoodstraveler]

You never trusted me

You showed me I shouldn’t trust you

And I can’t trust myself around you.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Stop saying that other shit

I deserve to be loved.

I will get what you want.

I will meet someone who loves me for who I am.

who wants to stay with me for the rest of our lives.

Who will love me as much as I love them.

I will be loved.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Whats so wrong with choosing me.

In the shower in the dark the words came easy just like the tears, but laying here trying to get it down and out its all a mess.

Whats so wrong about me that I can’t be loved? I know the list Im an asshole, the thoughts in my head are dark, I dont follow a religon, I joke about the worst things, my desires are your greatest shame, Im selfish, I dont fit your groups or molds. I tar my self apart more then anyone ever could.

To me though...... Im just being myself, Im honest ill tell you the truth if you ask wether you like it or not. I hate how supressing my desires makes me feel. When I know now im not the only one who desires those same things. I am me and I know ill never be happy if i have to pretented to be something im not just to be with someone................

I just don’t get why everytime I meet someone things start off with fireworks for me. Everytime i get excited about someone there eyes, there interests, there thought, there smile. Everything seems so right, and im not the only one who can see it......... but its so easy for them to say no......... to shoot me down, to walk away, to not even try........

I just dont get whats so wrong with me that noone will even try....... least not the ones i get feelings for.......... I have friends, I have realationships, I have woman I know find me attractive. So I don’t get why its so hard to find the one.

Sarah, aspen, leah, rachel, sammy

Everytime I find someone who makes me feel. who gives me hope, who I fucking try with just turns around and doesnt care.

Your the last one the one that broke me down who has been right there to remind me I dont get to be loved. I see you and its like its the next day you flirt and laugh. You get close to be you smile and lean in almost inviting me for a kiss.....the first time people were telling me to go for it and then you shot me down, and i was good theres no rule saying you have to like me back. Then we hang out with everyone agian and made more memories and talked....... but the next day im just nothing to you..... then you got a boyfriend by accident..... you broke up with him but then there was the next guy and you stayed with him. Your friends tell me you just didnt even like him you just thought he was nice enough........ then you flirted with me again it was so hard not to just take that invitation and just kiss you but I didnt want to be a side peice i want the main event i wanna be yours and loyal...... thats when everyone else that could see would start dropping his name when we got to close. This last time i told my self id stay away from you but that failed. As soon as i saw you my whole body wanted you wanted to be next to you. I cant even control my self i just go on auto pilot and there we are talking teasing. This time though that night you showed back up with him thats when it changed i couldnt be near you and him. I went as far as i could from you. I couldnt even look at you because i knew youd see the hurt in my eyes.

I just dont get it whats so un loveable about me? Why does somone else always get what i want? Why am I so forgetable, Im so easily discard to you? To everyone........

[lonewoodstraveler]

I still love you even if it was a lie

[lonewoodstraveler]

This is what i do now

I ramble on in fucking tumber so i dont message someone who doesnt care about me. I type here so i dont open our chat and find all our pictures or the times i want back. If i beleived in heaven it would just be a night with you where you stayed and slept next to me all night, And hell is where my heart is now. Just lost on what i do to get passed this. I know though i know deep down i cant. that i love you but you never cared about me. Ill just keep going threw life finding temporary releif from your memory tell i die alone still loving you.

[lonewoodstraveler]

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happy

She is happier with out me.

Thats all that should matter right i love her and she is happy so why does it hurt so much still.

To see someone else live the life i only get to see in my head in my dreams someone else gets to be that for you, and i just get to suffer

[lonewoodstraveler]

Never over

I want you to be happy i know your better off. I want you to heal, and get over all your pain. I want you to find the best in life, but seeing you tears my heart out and i feel it all again. I want you to be happy because it is better you then I.

[lonewoodstraveler]

I want love of my life back, problem is I’m not the love of her’s

[lonewoodstraveler]

Over a year

Its been so long i don't tell my friends because i know there tired of hearing. I go to bed every night with you on my mind knowing we will never be. That you fucked up, that you couldn't tell the truth, that there is no way we could ever fix what you broke. I tell my self this all the time day and night, but it is no use because i still feel everything for you. Fuck its like my heart is a black hole just taring its self apart and i cant say a damn word that will help everyone is tired of hearing no one cares. I cant even get my self to lesson. My only hope is one day ill wake up and ill finally stop feeling. That or ill just keep going on using girl after woman for temporary relief from the pain in my heart..................... For a temporary reprieve from that fact I still love you. Someday I hope you you feel the same way about someone else so you can understand what i feel for you.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Drunk

The fact i cant text you drunk because i know you will just make the excuse still haunts me to this day. I think only of you, you were so worried she was the one that you listened to the lies the fuck boys told you. You were so scared i loved her you never believed i loved you, but i did and i do every day i love with i cant be with someone else because i whole heartedly love someone who doesn't care about me. Someone who is Facebook official with someone else. a mile stone we never got to because i was a secret. A step that haunts me because i don't get to haunt you with the pictures of our time together because they are gone. In the end this is drunk alot of thoughts you can ignore.

[lonewoodstraveler]

1 year

To this day to this moment it has been one year. since you looked me in the eyes, and lied to my face about how you felt about me it's been one year since you told me you love me.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Alone

I don't know what to say what to do. Its just me these emotions are just mine. I cant blame you for not having them never having them. You gave me things no one else ever did, I loved you for that. But you didn't love me. Now I'm stuck loving you with no return without even being able to express it because your not there you don't want it. My friend says I'm lucky because I've felt love i have a image to think of when i think of what i want. But no one else is you your the one i long for in my bed. Your the one i look for in a crowd wishing you were waiting for me. The touch of your skin the sight of your smile. After all that we went threw i still love you. A true love no mater what what happens id fight for you id die for you, but you don't feel the same. A love others whats unending to always know your partner is there, the love you want just not from me.

[lonewoodstraveler]

...

After so long i still cant get over you.

[lonewoodstraveler]

........

I don't even know what to say when i love someone who refuses to feel.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Hell in my head

My mind never stops making me think every horrible thought that is can screaming at me and i just want it to stop. I wanna go home and block out the world but here i am stuck at work music isn't helping labor isn't breaking my knuckles on my tailgate starts seeming like a real option again. Even after this i have a hour drive with nothing but time to think. I hate this it kills me drives me insane off the walls crazy. Rattling around in my own hell with no escape.

[lonewoodstraveler]

Fucked up

I get it i know i let the demons speak for me. Why though why do you make it worse why wont you talk to me why do you want us to fall you came back because loved me and it never went away like you thought it would. But you still fight it because you are scared it will go away that i lie when i say i will fight for you. Ive been fighting so hard for you every day and you just make it harder for me i love you so much we could be so great but you hold me at arms reach when your caving in under your self. Just let me help the demon are feeding on my fear and i need you to show me courage. I love you becc please don't fight us

[lonewoodstraveler]

Trust

I don't know if I can ever trust you again. Everything you told me ever time you told me i was always yours that I was always yours after making love. telling me that you think of me every time you were with someone else. That you would choice me. Everything you told me turned out to be a lie. All you did was play me you got your revenge you made me hurt with everything you did. You still hurt me now because i meant every word i said i trusted you more then anyone else i ever did i told you what i never told anyone else i loved you unconditionally I'm sorry it was late that i couldn't do it before,but i can now and i cant stop it. Your in his arms after looking me in the eyes and saying you would choice me! And do you know what id still take you back. Aren't i pathetic now you told me i wasn't pathetic when i was fighting for you would you still say it? Because i feel rather pathetic now.