lonelydiggin

[lonelydiggin]

it’s been a while since i actually vented here. i guess i’m just numb. which i often find myself be. at least right now. i never used to be like this. but it’s like this year, one month, a switch flipped in my brain. i don’t remember who i used to be. i don’t know how i changed so quickly and how i became so different. it’s like you finally had everything figured out and then so suddenly and so abruptly it all comes crashing down. which im quite used to in my life i just never experienced it in the opposite direction before. i guess. the cycle is exhausting me. and when i try to talk about it, when i try to tell my family that i genuinely need some sort of therapy or medicine they look at me strangely. i told my sister i could have depression and she was surprised. almost shocked. i thought to myself, i hope it’s just depression.

and i also thought to myself, are they really that oblivious? isnt it obvious? doesn’t it show in the way i talk, in the way i act, doesn’t it show in the way i make my bed or in the way i say good morning? doesn’t it show in the way i laugh? doesn’t it show in the dark circles below my eyes? doesn’t it show in how i make breakfast or how i dress myself? doesn’t it show in how i brush my teeth? isn’t it obvious in every move i make, and every breath i take, that i’m completely, and utterly, destroyed?

[lonelydiggin]

im either so detached and completely turned off or really desperate and needy and i hate it. i hate feeling needy and it’s just cycles like everything else in my fucking life

[lonelydiggin]

fuck it i just wanna feel something anything other than the numb emotionless fucking shell i live in and then suddenly i feel manic and then suddenly i feel really down and im just nothing but a fucking cycle that repeats itself and laughs in my own face

[lonelydiggin]

it hurts actually. when you do this. when you keep doing the same mistakes and bringing up my past. and i'm tired of begging you for an apology so i'm just shutting up. not cutting contact, i'll be the same me. i'll just slip away slowly.

because what's even the point of us when all we do is keep hurting each other..

[lonelydiggin]

im done

[lonelydiggin]

it's fucking exhausting

when everything's going great and you're both having a good time

and then suddenly it's not , and it's crashing

and then it's great again. and then it goes back to being bad

and then it's great , and then it's bad , then great again , then bad , then great , then bad

and your emotions are a rollercoaster, and you're nothing but a doll he moves with his strings

and you promise yourself this time is different. this time you'll make him learn. this time he'll be begging you for acceptance

and then you just plead him to acknowledge you. you're okay with anything because you need him. you step on yourself and your boundaries

and then you're 16 again , sexualizing yourself to strange men on the internet so you can get their attention

and then you're 14 again , having to swallow your pride and talk to your sister even though she disrespected you for the millionth time. even though she made you cry

and you're 12 again crying in the school bathroom because you didn't get anyone's approval. you didn't get anyone's acceptance. you were the outcast

and you realize, you spent your whole life erasing your boundaries and personality, just so you can get someone's attention. anyone's attention.

and the cycle never breaks, it just breaks you

and no matter how many times you swear this time is different , you always end up accepting whatever happens , you apologize first , you settle down , and you feel like shit. you feel worthless and weak and that you failed yourself and your values. but there's nothing you could do other than write about it on a stupid blog.

because if you talk about it , it's just another reason for him to get upset. so you happily let him step on your heart. and no matter how many times he tells he doesn't like hurting you, you don't care. you don't care that he's oblivious to it.

because no matter what he does, you'll go back to him. you lost all the respect you had long ago.

it just makes you question yourself. maybe i'm the problem. maybe im too dramatic. maybe im overthinking it. maybe im wrong. maybe its my fault. maybe im a bad friend. a bad person. maybe i don't deserve it. maybe i'm a fucking nightmare to be around and thats why all my relationships crumble and thats why i cant have anyone close to me and that's why i just gotta accept the shit that's thrown to my face because it's the best i'll ever get.

and you just accept that you're the mistake and lick the leftover crumbs of attention from his plate.

and you only blame yourself. because he'll never understand.

no one ever fucking does.

and then he replies to your message, and you're okay again...

[lonelydiggin]

if you ever die before me i'll never kill my self. not because i wouldn't be miserable not because i wouldn't be crying everyday begging god or the universe or whatever is out there to bring you back but because if i kill my self all our little traditions and our anniversaries and everything that made our friendship real and made it fun and exciting it will all die with me and it feels like a part of you lives in me so killing me would be killing you. i cry at the thought of losing you forever.

[lonelydiggin]

you save me every day.

[lonelydiggin]

i understand not always getting what you want. i understand that life's not fair. i understand that we're not entitled to anything, and that we deserve nothing. but what i don't understand, is why i always get what i don't want.

why can i never just get one thing... why do all the doors have to close up on me. why have i failed in all of those things. why am i such a bad luck.

none of my choice colleges accepted me. none of the private universities accepted me. nothing is working. it's all against me. the whole world is in the opposite direction of me. i feel lost. i feel like a failure. i feel like im cursed. i wish i knew why... universe, not everything has to be a lesson learnt... please. just give me the single thing that i want in my entire life. just this one thing...

i'm so tired. i hope what's next is better. i've spent my whole life settling for less. settling for what didn't feel right because everyone else around me pressured me. i don't know why but there is this single thing in my head that feels right and i'll kill myself before not following it. before submitting to fear once again.

[lonelydiggin]

who are we

who are we without each other?

i was living just fine

i was perfectly okay living a miserable life

but you had to come and flip my life upside down.

i'm nobody without you

i'm nothing without you

i don't know who i was before you

all the days i spent before you don't count.

you perfectly and beautifully ruined me.

and i don't regret any second of it.

although i've never loved myself or my life more,

i still regret knowing you.

i regret loving you.

because you're every breath i take

every step i walk

and you stand by every thought i think to myself.

we're bad for each other

and we both know it but we'll never admit it.

deep down we know we're bad.

we're bad for each other because we're perfect for each other. too perfect.

we make each other too happy.

we make each other feel too good.

we understand one another perfectly.

we're consumed by each other.

we're stupidly and foolishly perfect. we shouldn't have been like that.

someone like that isn't supposed to exist.

and that lead to

each one's life being consumed by the other

my mood is your mood

my life is your life

every action of every day is ruled by you

and it's ruled for you.

we're bad for each other because we need each other.

we're bad for each other because

we got too attached

we loved too much

we. were. too. much.

we were perfect. and we still are.

but, it's like a drug... we just can't get enough.

i even see you when i look at my reflection in the mirror.

what have we done

what have we done to each other?...

[lonelydiggin]

Nine months clean.

[lonelydiggin]

I forgot who i was before you.

[lonelydiggin]

I can't take this anymore. I was already going through a depression and now I failed a class and i have to redo all my work all over again. I just can't. I can't bring myself to study again. I can't talk to anyone I can't eat anything I can't do anything. And nothing is going according to my plan. my mom us giving me such a hard time and my brother is out of rehabilitation and i can't deal with this crap. i just feel so helpless and i feel like a coward and i feel pathetic and i feel like i can't stand up for myself. every time i i try convincing her i just feel like i can't even talk. i feel so pathetic like i'm not who i thought i was. and no one is here to help me no one is beside me. everyone just wants what they want they just wanna know what they could gain and profit from this. i'm literally crying all day everyday and i'm crying right now and i can't do anything about it. i'm not joking i'm really thinking about killing myself because i can't deal with this anymore. i'm already fighting my own battles on the inside i can't deal with both worlds at the same time. and no one will ever understand and they will just think i'm overreacting. and beside all that i'm really sick for some reason and no medication is working. i just need a break i need to breath. i can't do this anymore im so sorry for myself. i'm already so burnt out from the exams i literally physically cannot bring myself to study again. and if i failed again and had to retake the whole year i'm seriously going to kill myself. i don't care what anyone thinks i don't care about anything. i just wish my family would make it easy on me but they just make it harder.

[lonelydiggin]

Eight months clean.

[lonelydiggin]

Sometimes, i wonder what freedom really is. what it means to me. i feel like we as a civilizations have set imaginary traps for ourselves. you're trapped in a marriage to provide for your family. you're trapped in your work to please those higher than you, you're trapped in a marriage you despise working a jop you hate pleasing people you don't like to buy shit thst has no genuine value. and people want you trapped with them. they want you trapped with them because they're too comfortable to make a change. they're too comfortable and can not be free from what's holding them hostage.

for me. being free, is going away. fleeing from the box we were forced to fit into. first, you'd have to be free from people's thoughts. they don't matter. what people think of you says a lot about them and less about you. people only see a small fraction of a fraction. no one ever knows what goes on your mind and no one went through exactly the same path as you.

and then, you could be truly free. to me, i think i would not be able to experience true freedom unless i go to an isolated place. an island. a forest, or maybe a desert. we've filled life with so many unnecessary extras so we forgot the true beauty of it. modernization and capitalism killed the ease, it killed the joy, the happinesse, the contentment, of the simple life. but what are we gonna do about it? nothing. we'll keep partcipating in money hungry corporates and being an active member of capitalistic society, we'll keep buying stuff and showing off and caring what people think and we'll keep living paycheck to paycheck and doing nothing about it because we're just confident people behind screen... because we are too comfortable to do something about it.

[lonelydiggin]

I've learnt and changed so much so far throughout this year. I went through many stages and i will go through some more. I just don't know what i am. i've been through so much that i don't know which part of me i identify with. and now that exams are out of the way, i have nothing to think of but myself. i feel so stresses. so overwhelmed. and have no idea why. its like i have this image of myself that i have to live up to. and its putting so much pressure on me. but fuck this image. fuck everything. i need to focus less on what people think of me and think more of how i actually feel. im always like this but lately the temptations had made me more aware of people's gaze. i should only care about my well being. my comfort. my happiness. and that doesnt mean giving up on social life and friends, but it means doing things because you love to and not living up to anyone's standards. dressing how you like. drinking what you want saying what you wanna say. not paying attention to what anyone might think. i wanna just relax a bit. unwind and let my mind rest. its not that big of a deal. and nothing matters anyway...

[lonelydiggin]

i wanna go back to sleeping most of the day.