lizbethcopes

[lizbethcopes]

3/27

I don’t have cancer, thank god. I still have a hard lump in my breast and it sucks because the radiologist who looked at my ultrasound said there is absolutely nothing wrong, but that doesn’t explain why I have this lump. I try not to think about it now. I am so fucking depressed and desperately unhappy. I’m gonna try streaming on twitch more often to try and make friends, though I’m not very good at the games I play so I don’t know how well that will work out. I am functioning on about 4 hours of sleep right now because I couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t really remember why I couldn’t sleep but I didn’t get much rest. When my partner came to bed (around 3:30am) he couldn’t fall asleep either. I got so stressed out being in the room together but neither of us being able to sleep that I just got up for the day and I’ve been up since 4:30am. My last paycheck was terrible. It was 200$ less than most of my paychecks because I had to take some time off for my doctors appointments. I was gonna buy a sweater that I like that made me feel better but I think I’m gonna have to wait until my next paycheck to buy anything.

I’m trying to make friends through twitch and through discord severs but I feel like shit and I don’t know what to say or how to act to be normal and make friends. I ate some yogurt and granola for breakfast but it kinda hurt my stomach so I don’t really know what to do.

TW: Weight stuff

So I have lost a few more pounds. I know I said I didn’t want to or that it wasn’t important but I’m getting happier seeing the number on the scale go down. I’m at 149.8 now. Or something like that, basically 149. I want to get to 145 because that’s where I used to be before that god awful med I used to have to take. It was Olanzapine btw. Massive weight gain, I went from 145 to 172. I hated that stupid fucking medication.

TW Over

I should go buy some cheap lip gloss. Buying things makes me happy and lip stuff makes me happy so I think that’s a safe cheap purchase to give me some serotonin. I’ll decide later if I want to or not. My partner and I are going to the Chinese gardens on Wednesday and then I’m going to my friend’s house for dinner. I am excited to get out of the house. I don’t do anything anymore. I feel just as trapped as I did in my last relationship because me and my partner just sit at home all the time. It wouldn’t even be that bad if we also spent time together, but he just wants to play video games and watch anime. I want to spend some quality time together and maybe paint or cook a meal together or even just cuddle and talk and he doesn’t seem interested in any of that. I get home from work and sometimes he doesn’t even smile or acknowledge me. I just want a hug. I just want him to say he missed me. Sometimes I come home and want to share how my day went and he tells me I’m overwhelming him and then he puts on his headphones and watches a show. I’m making him sound really bad. I don’t think he is doing it on purpose, I just genuinely don’t think he is capable of giving me what I need. I don’t want to break up because I am lazy and that would be hard and a lot of emotional labor. He would have to move back home and it’d be a whole ordeal. I just feel like staying in this is the lesser of two evils. If it gets bad enough I’ll end things, but until now I think I’ll just live with the mild emotional abuse. I don’t really care anymore. I really just want to be single and alone.

I hope you all have a better day than I am having and I hope you all eat plenty and drink lots of water. Eat some fruit for me, will ya? Muah.

[lizbethcopes]

3/15

I found a lump in my breast a few days ago. I have an ultrasound appointment on the 18th. I am so fucking scared. I’ve had so many panic attacks over the past few days. I have to go into work today and I don’t know how I’m gonna focus. I’ve been listening to BBo Burnhams Funny Feeling over and over again. I think I have cancer.

[lizbethcopes]

3/7

So I am feeling much better. I had a manic episode last night and I popped a xanax before it got too bad but I started crying because I couldn’t find a book and I was all itchy and confused and then my partner looked at me with big sad pity eyes and how am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions?

[lizbethcopes]

parents be like "your mental illness is so hard to deal with" my brother in christ you are the one who caused it

[lizbethcopes]

3/2

Long time, no talk. I’m just gonna jump into it. I feel like shit, I am perpetually tired, scared, depressed and anxious. I am so numb. I don’t know what or how to feel anymore. I had dinner with my aunt and uncle a few days ago and I told her I was really depressed and I didn’t know what to do with my life. She said it’s okay, we all figure things out at our own pace. I get that, but I am just really stressed out. My partner’s birthday was a few days ago and we celebrated and got him dinner and made dessert. It was nice. I felt genuine joy for the first time in months, but one day later I was already back to feeling like I want to die. ‘

TW: Suicide

My partner and I got into a fight last week and I drove to the bridge near me and stood at the base on the dock and considered jumping in. It was cold and rainy and I just let the rain hit my skin and the cold whip my hair and bite my face and fingers. The water was dark and choppy. I was scared and I didn’t do it. I feel like I do these things for attention. I should’ve just jumped in, to feel something again. To feel alive. I feel like throwing up when I eat. I ate next to nothing yesterday and I’m still not losing weight. I just want to lose some weight. I don’t even need to, but I’m stuck on hitting an arbitrary number on a scale. I don’t know what to do.

TW: Weight

This girl that I know from Twitch and subsequently a discord server we were in together years ago always fishes for compliments. I usually just give her what she wants and will fan her with praise and attention, but she’s always sending me pictures of her waist and weight and tits. It makes me feel like shit about myself. She’s 19, so I know she’s still really vapid, but it just stings. I told her yesterday that I’d like to no longer talk about weight or body stuff. I don’t want to trigger myself even further. She also kept talking about how in Korea her face shape is a bunny. I asked what mine was and I sent her a cute picture of myself and she said “You’re a dino”. Like a fucking dinosaur. She said “Don’t worry, you’re still pretty!” I was in shock. I know I’m pretty, I’m beautiful. I just didn’t think she would think that one test online would sway how I see myself. She also said “Koreans value soft, feminine features.” and I stopped her and said “They value *soft* features. Strong features can still be feminine. That’s an extremely harmful rhetoric to hold.” and she just said “You’re right”. I know she doesn’t believe me. I have strong cheekbones and a strong jawline. I have a mildly hooked nose and sloped forehead. I look this way because I am Apache and mexican american. She is a white passing girl from the midwest who idolizes Korean beauty standards. (I should specify, she was referencing South Korean beauty). I do not have a large chest, my waist isn’t tiny. I am still beautiful. She always used to compare us together and say “I ain’t never seen two pretty best friends, always one of em gotta be ugly” (from the tiktok) and I would say “That’s fine, you can be the pretty one” and she INSISTED “Noooo, that’s not what I meant!”. She said it constantly. She just needs to put other people down to feel better about herself. I get it, that’s just how some people cope, but she doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want to be her punching bag. Anyways, sorry for the emotional dump.

END TW:

I’m talking with my psychiatrist again today to adjust my meds again. I’m also gonna ask for a higher prescription of xanax. Mine is pretty small right now and I need a higher dose. The small one doesn’t really do anything anymore. I’m gonna go shop for a purse because I can’t fit all my stuff for work in the one I currently have. I’m also gonna go buy the Physicians Formula dewy blush. I feel better when I buy things so I’m gonna let myself buy something today. I think we’re watching the season finale of Euphoria tomorrow. I also bought some glitter from slayfire cosmetics to recreate the looks from the show and people keep complimenting me on it. It feels nice to have someone say something nice about me. Anyways, I’m gonna finish eating and then head to TJMaxx.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I love you guys so much. Happy Wednesday. Go eat some fruit and drink lots of water for me.

Muah

[lizbethcopes]

2/19

I told my partner last night that I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to shower or take care of myself, I don’t care about myself anymore and I don’t want to be alive and he just sat there in silence and watched the twitch stream we had pulled up. He didn’t know what to say or do or even how to begin to handle what I just said and instead sat there in silence until I told him “I don’t think you listen to me. I just told you I want the earth to swallow me up and you’re still watching Twitch”.

I ate today and I hate myself for it. I hate that my body is still fighting to stay alive by making me hungry and want to eat things. I don’t want to eat. I feel like shit most of the time and my partner doesn’t understand me or how I feel or how to help me. I told him I wanted to spend some time together last night and 30 seconds into cuddling he asks to put on twitch. I don’t know what to do. I am just sad and pretty numb. He’s taking up the whole bed and has been napping for hours now and all I want to do is go lay down but I can’t. I’m so frustrated.

[lizbethcopes]

2/17

I’m sorry, it’s been a few days since I was on here. My life has been largely more of the same. I have been having really bad nightmares as of the past 4 nights but last night was the worst emotionally. Last night I dreamt that my mom called me downstairs and began berating me and it culminated in her telling me I needed to move out immediately. I didn’t have the money to get an apartment so I told her I would just pay her whatever she was asking for and she said “I don’t want your fucking money, I want you out of my house. I’m fucking sick of you and your stupid boyfriend.” I woke up crying and sweating and it took me hours to fall back asleep. I was a mess. I dreamt I had to drop out of school and become a manager where I work at and work super fucking hard for a shitty apartment where I could only bring one of my two cats. It was just really emotionally scaring. I hate feeling like that. I talked to my mom this morning and she was nice and kind and caring as she normally is, it just made me really untrusting. What if she doesn’t actually feel that way? She could kick me out any minute and I’d be fucked. Should I drop out and become a manager to make more money? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m really emotionally dry and wrung out right now. I’m gonna go shower and try and feel better. I hope you all have a wonderful day and know that I love you and I care about you.

Muah

[lizbethcopes]

2/12

Fuck dude, I’m so fucking sad. I just want to be happy and feel better. I’m depressed and part of me misses my ex, though I don’t *actually* miss him. Ya know? I just miss the idea of him. The idea of how happy we used to be. The stability that came with the way we lived. I don’t know, I just feel really overwhelmed and really bad about how I feel. I love my partner very much. I think my depression is making everything fuzzy and muddy. I don’t know how to feel. I just want there to be less problems with my and my partner. I feel like every day we have some sort of disagreement and I just miss when I was with someone where we could go a few weeks without any discomfort or distress. It’s not my partner’s fault. He has anxiety and I think depression of some sort as well. I just am so worn out by my last relationship that I don’t have it in me anymore to be as open and carefree as I used to be. I just want a hug from my ex but I know it would make me upset and feel angry. I just miss how stable things used to feel. Ever since we broke up years ago my life has been in an unstable tailspin.

[lizbethcopes]

2/12

Work went well yesterday. It was long and I was super fucking tired by the end of it but for the most part it went well. I have today off so I’ve got to do some laundry and clean the bathroom and my partner said he would help me re-pot my plants that I have been neglecting and desperately need to be re-potted. I think today is gonna go well. I got my paycheck and it was $647 and I’m really happy with that. My boss gave me a raise of a dollar and now I make $15/hr which is really nice. I was whining to my manager yesterday about how much I wanted to go home and he said “You always talk about how you need the money” and he’s not wrong, but I want to whine and still get paid, ya know? lol. I think today I might make myself some bubble tea or something because I’m really craving it but I don’t want to keep spending my money recklessly like I’ve been doing. I need to be saving money, not blowing it on food and drinks. Every time I get paid I need to reel in my spending. I spend based on my future paychecks and I can’t keep doing that if I ever want to build a substantial savings account and afford college and textbooks and such. Also, I think my new cat has feline chlamydia or something. He has greenish eye boogies and I keep his eyes as clean as I can and I wash my hands and clorox my door knobs and keyboard to make sure he doesn’t give it to my other cat because we don’t really know what’s going on with him right now but it’s stressing my out. I think his previous owner knew that he had gunky eyes and not all of his shots and let us take him anyways. I’m hoping it will go away on it’s own, I can’t really afford a vet visit right now. I’m excited about today because it’s so sunny and nice out, I think me and my partner will go on a walk later today. I just re-read some of my messages with my ex starting from our first messages together and ending with our last. It’s really scary how someone who I saw the rest of my life with changed, how we both changed, and how the animosity grew between us. The end messages were so estranged, like two complete strangers. We didn’t make our inside jokes, we didn’t reference stupid vines or movies we watched together. We were just short and blunt and unkind to each other (mostly me being unkind and him trying to get sympathy from me) and I just feel bad. I feel bad for him, for me and for our past relationship. I’m pretty fucked up from reading that message log. I don’t know why I did that.

[lizbethcopes]

2/11

I think it might have been a day or two since I wrote here last. I’ve been pretty low and sad but work isn’t terrible. We have superbowl sunday and valentines day back to back which is gonna be rough, and today my boss called me in early so I have a 7 hours shift which is not cool, but I’ll survive and the paycheck will hopefully be worth it. My new kitty is adjusting well. We had to flip the couch on it’s side because he wouldn’t stop pulling out the stuff I shoved under the couch to keep him out from there. I’m hoping eventually we’ll be able to flip the couch right side up again, but who knows how long that will be. I just ate 2 slices of greasy pizza for breakfast and it makes me feel better because I don’t think I’ve been eating enough recently. It’s hard because I don’t really have any good options for snacks mid-day while I’m at work. I’ve got clementines, power bars and little baggies of chips. I’m gonna buy myself some tacos from across the street for lunch today because my shift is so long that I won’t make it through without some real food. I’m really tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. I had to pee in the middle of the night and my eyes hurt to open. I got back in bed and had a hard time falling back asleep. My other cat wanted to cuddle and I’ve been spending a lot of time with the new cat so I didn’t want him to feel rejected so I didn’t move him at all. My partner hit me in the face with his elbow, twice, this morning. He doesn’t mean to, but he sticks his arms straight out onto my pillow and it makes it hard for me to sleep. Today is just gonna be a long day. I’ll be okay. I’m always okay, I’m just tired. I’m gonna relax for a bit before I start work so I hope you all have a good day.

Muah

[lizbethcopes]

2/9

I think it’s been a few days since I posted on here and for that I apologize. Yesterday was a rough day. I kept thinking about my ex. I don’t want to, that relationship was toxic and bad for the both of us, but I think my brain gets stuck on it when I’m sad. This morning I was watching Beaver stream on twitch and hanging out with my new kitten, Crackers. He’s been adjusting well to his new life in our house. I’m hoping he starts getting more and more comfortable by the end of the week. I want to try and introduce them to each other (my other cat and Crackers) by the end of next week. They sniff each other under the door and don’t hiss or growl so I think that’s a good sign. Crackers just kinda chills now, thought my partner told me he went total crackhead mode last night. He kept trying to claw under the couch, which we have blocked off, and when I came in this morning he had dug his way under there and I had to gently pull him out. He just gave up and came out and then ate and started cuddling. He is a good boy, a little neurotic, but a good boy nonetheless. Today is my day off between all the crazyness of this coming week. I work at a pizza shop and superbowl sunday and valentines day are some of our biggest selling days and this year they are back to back. I work some long days this weekend but at least I’m mostly prep the dough and stuff. I leave pretty early both days so that’s pretty nice. Yesterday I got boba with my partner and it was supposed to help me feel better but TBH it just made me feel bad for spending money. I don’t know, I just feel weird about everything right now. I really need to go eat. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with myself today. I might just rest or stream on Twitch. I don’t know yet. Anyways, I hope you all have a good day.

Muah

[lizbethcopes]

2/6

I think I’m just missing posts every other day. Anywho! I slept really really well last night! I feel refreshed and ready to roll today! I will no longer be taking my 30mg XR adderall because it keeps me up for close to 20 hours. I will ask my doctor to lower my prescription at my next appointment. Me and my partner are getting along really well right now. He’s getting the things done that I need him to, which is a huge relief for me. I’m enjoying work and this week is gonna be a long one but they scheduled me at the hours I enjoy. I talked to my boss and she is giving me a $1.25 raise! After only 2.5 months! She really likes me and my work ethic which makes me so frickin happy. Today for breakfast I have a creamy potato soup, clementine and chocolate chip cookies! I’m on a new regime of lamictal - 200mg at night and 25 in the morning when I wake up. I think I’m still depressed but the regular sleep really boosted my mood a lot. It was wonderful. I adopt a kitten tomorrow! His name is Crackers and he’s honestly the cutest little thing. He’s a 9 month old all black kitten and we’re gonna integrate him with my established kitty. I’m hoping all goes well but I’ll keep you updated on how it all goes. That’s all for now, maybe if something wild happens today, I’ll update later, but otherwise I’ll see you all tomorrow!

MUAH! Bye my loves!

[lizbethcopes]

2/4

Holy shit. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I took my adderall at 9:30am and it kept me up all night. What the fuck dude. I have to work today and I’m literally so tired I’m falling over. I cannot walk straight. I’m gonna go eat and I guess take some more adderall to fucking make it through my work day. Yikes, man. I just feel like shit so hopefully this helps me get through this.

[lizbethcopes]

2/2

I am fully depressed. I thought maybe it was a fluke but I am well and truly depressed. I feel like sleeping and dissociating all day and I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to work or read or watch youtube videos. I just want to stare at the wall and cry. I don’t even really understand what’s making me sad. I’ve been steady on my lamictal for so long that I don’t know if that is the problem. I have a doctors appointment with a psychiatrist today and I’m gonna see if maybe it’s time to up that medication. I don’t know, I feel like shit. I’m eating soup right now and everything is bland and I don’t feel at home in my body or this house anymore.

TW

I was thinking about buying some blades this morning but I live with my partner and I wouldn’t be able to self harm without immediately being caught. It’s a dumb idea anyways, I’m almost 2 years clean so I shouldn’t even consider that as an option.

TW over

I need to call my dentist again to tell them my dental insurance so I can go to my appointment on the 7th and I need to get gas and change the sheets. I’m gonna be happier when I get that all done. I work tomorrow and at least I like my job so it’s bearable to go in when I’m low. I don’t know, maybe it’ll get better soon. I hope your day goes well. Go eat some soup and raspberries for me.

[lizbethcopes]

1/31

I slept for about 6.5 hours total last night but split into 2 naps. It wasn’t good and I don’t feel good. I’m insanely frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I feel like my relationship is on the brink of ending and I’m trying everything I can to save it but it’s not helping. I feel like I should just give up and stop dating altogether. I’m okay with being single and focusing on myself and maybe after my degree trying again. I don’t know, I sound so fatalistic but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I love my partner but I feel like I’m laying all the ground work and they aren’t even walking down the path I’ve made. I don’t know, maybe this is my fault for not putting deadlines on things earlier in the relationship and expressing what is really important to me and needs to change/be done in order for us to continue together. I’m just fucking sad and defeated. I’m gonna try and get myself together because I have work tomorrow and it’s a long shift. I might go back to sleep for a while. I ate an apple and 26 cheetos for breakfast and drank some water so maybe I’ll go eat in a bit. Anyways, I hope you’re all doing well.

[lizbethcopes]

1/31

I forgot to write here on Saturday and maybe even Friday but I’m up at 4am and I’m pretty sad. I’m gonna try and just watch some Youtube and relax and maybe get some sleep in a little bit but for now I’m just trying to get my mind off the things in my life. I’m not having a good week. Shit, I’m not having a good few weeks and trying to pretend like nothing is wrong is taking it’s toll on me. I’m hoping things get better in the next few days but I honestly doubt it. I don’t really have the energy or happiness to write about raspberries or food of any kind. I went to work yesterday and it was busy but I only had to work 3 hours so that was nice, though the means less money on my paycheck so who knows how I’ll feel about that when my next pay day comes. Anyways, I’m really upset so I’m gonna go watch Twitch or Youtube and try and forget about my problems and function on 4 hours of sleep. Wish me good luck.

[lizbethcopes]

beep boop 1/28

Hello my dudes. Today I had work (6 hour shift, oof) and I basically just chilled. Got my paycheck today and I’m glad to have an income again after my trip to the east coast. I also got a raise! It’s only a dollar or so but hey, it’s something! I am appreciated at work and that’s the biggest thing in my book. My boss said she valued my work and likes my attitude. 10/10 compliments. I am thinking we’ll pick up the kitten to try and adopt him on Saturday (tomorrow) or Sunday to get him used to his new (potential) home! His name is Crackers but we will rename him to Bojji Crackers from Osama Ranking (an anime my partner and I have been watching). I think tonight my partner and I are gonna go grab some McDonalds to cheer us up because I’ve been sad and I finally got paid. I have tomorrow off and I’m thinking I’ll just do my taxes tomorrow when I have the free time to get them out of the way. Bleh, taxes. I wouldn’t even mind if it didn’t go straight to the military. I would rather my taxes go to schools and infrastructure and paying nurses well. It’s just paying for the bloated military to sit around and intimidate the rest of the world. I’m gonna try and get some good rest tonight. I’ve been super stressed and sad recently and I think getting some good rest might help. I also think I’m going through some sort of mood swing or something because my brain is cracking apart right now. I’m just trying to breathe and keep my shit together, ya know? Anyways, I hope everyone had a good day. See you tomorrow \o/