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Will I always be an addict?

The truth is that there is no simple answer to this.  Addiction is different to many people in many different ways.  “I didn’t think things would end up like this.”  Many of us have thought and said this to our counselors.

I now am an addiction counselor myself, so I thought I would share my experience with my own addictions and what I feel when I ask myself this question.

For me, yes, I will always be an addict.  I believe that it is something that I can not do alone without a support system, and ongoing treatment.  I have tried and failed many times by thinking I could do it on my own, maybe even hundreds of times.  I have ended up in trouble with the law more times than I can count.  The only time sobriety ever worked for me is when I was in treatment, and then eventually became a counselor to those who were in the same boat that I had been in.  

Do I believe in a specific regiment? NO, you have to do what works for you!  You have to.  The reason I am putting this out there is in case anyone, who like myself, are wondering these things.

In closing I would like to say that there is help out there... but you have to want it.  Don’t give up hope, and don’t give up your life.

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Happiness and Sobriety

I have always said that my first 15 days of sobriety were the toughest. That still holds true till today. When I was laying on the couch so sick that I could barely move I remember going through the stages of bargaining and then finally acceptance. It took me a long time to find happiness through sobriety.  I am very happy where I am out today. That doesn't mean things are perfect, but that things are a lot better. Through sobriety I've met some amazing people and overcame some amazing obstacles. I have met people that have changed my life for the better whether they were sober or not. I have also lost several people, and that's OK. A lot of people ask me if I knew then what I know now would I have changed anything? The truth is I wouldn't. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without everything that I've went through. I've made some bad choices and hurt a lot of people and that's also OK.  I have learned to make peace with what is. I have apologized for the things that I've done to the people in my life. The rest is up to them. A lot of people believe that addicts will always be liars. I completely disagree. I believe everybody deserves 100 chances to change. I believe it is possible, Because I am living proof. So if you are struggling with addiction, remember that everything is going to be OK. It may take a while to achieve sobriety,but it will be totally worth it.

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I woke up Friday morning to a beautiful sunrise. I was reminded that God is good and that life is great. When I was off in my own little world I had no clue what was going on. I was also reminded that nothing is permanent, nothing ever stays the same. I am very thankful for that.  I am thankful also that I get to enjoy what is going on around me now. Had I never got sober I would've never known. All of this brings me back to Alex. The love of my life. It is amazing how I found my life through her death. I am so thankful to have had such a great person to finally save me. I was so mad for a while when she passed away. I was not only mad at her but I was mad at myself. I figured if I could have done something to stop her that maybe she would still be here. However I've found out that I was wrong. There is nothing that I could have ever done to stop that from happening. God has a plan for everyone. Everything is exactly as it should be and whatever happens happens. Just a small thought. Remember to think about your loved ones, And what their life would be like without you in it. That doesn't mean that this will stop you from doing whatever you're doing, but hopefully it will help.

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For over 30 years, Secular Organizations for Sobriety has been helping people to get, and stay clean and sober.

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HEROIN - AMERICA’S WORST CRISIS.

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Talking about addiction can be a touchy subject for some. It can be a catch 22 in many ways.  The reason that I say that is because if you have been an addict you understand what somebody with an addiction is talking about, and if you never have been addicted it's kind of hard to understand.  For non-addicts who are dealing with the family members that have addiction problems is hard to understand because the person who is dealing with it doesn't understand what's going on.  They don't understand the pain, or how deep it runs.  The addict doesn't understand why the family member doesn't understand, and why they never will understand. When I talk about my addiction, family members of Addicts will ask me a lot of questions.  Why didn't you stop?  Why didn't you go to AA meetings?  Didn't you realize that you were hurting your family members and friends?  The truth is I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't care.  A lot of addicts don't.  For me all I cared about was getting the next bottle.  I didn't care how it affected anybody around me, I didn't even care that I was hurting myself.  I also get a lot of questions when I talk to other people who are addicted too.  How do I stop?  What can I do to make a better life?  The truth is that it is something that has to be researched.  I will not say you should or you need to do any addict.  The truth is I don't know exactly what they need.  I asked a lot of those same questions when I decided to get sober myself.  Another word that I try not to use is the word but. The reason I try not to use that word is that it insinuates that a few things might not work.  It shouldn't be a set up for failure.  It should be something that is praised.  What I mean by that is when somebody decides to get sober they need a support system not someone telling them what they should do or how to do what they need to do or where they need to go.  The truth is they just need support.  We all need support.  The reason that I chose to write this article today was to better shed some light on the difference between somebody who is addicted and someone who doesn't have addiction.  I'm not saying it is any easier for family members and friends of the person who is addicted.  They go through a lot too.  Looking back I can't imagine how my parents are dealt with what I was going through, they didn't know what to do. Some days I still don't understand why I ended up an alcoholic.  I am very thankful for my sobriety now. When I got sober I decided to start talking and writing about this subject because I want to help others who have went through the same thing or something similar to what I've went through. The other silver lining in this whole thing is that I am fighting from the other side now.  I went from being the person addicted to wanting to help people. I never thought in my entire life that I would be on the other side. I'm thankful for that too.

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There is Life After Addiction, and it is so good.

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I had spent days hung over and on the couch without moving an inch.  I had manipulated, lied, stolen, and backstabbed to get whatever I needed whether it was cocaine, or alcohol.

When I got sober, I felt that it would be a good idea to apologize to all the people I had hurt, and manipulated.  This idea didn’t come around until day 30 which was when I felt stable enough to get out into the world.  I was scared shitless though.  What if they didn’t accept my apology?  Better yet what if they wanted nothing to do with me at all?

Slowly and gradually I started to apologize to everyone.  The first two apologies were the scariest.  I thought I might end up with a black eye, but suprisingly that never happened.  What did happen was nothing short of a miracle.  Some people accepted my apology, and others didn’t.  The silver lining was that I made the effort, and not only that, but I got closure which is huge for me.  I’ve never had actual closure my entire life, or acceptance.  What I finally realized was that I am not a perfect human being, and I make mistakes…. Everyone does.  I am not my past but what I have overcame.

Life is not about what you have done, but the journey to try and make it better.

I am thankful everyday for my sobriety, and that I get a second chance to live.