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I feel different

I feel a shift. I don’t think I’ve felt like this before and frankly I need to stop feeling so scared over it and embrace it. I don’t know why I’m so scared this is probably the most positively charged shift I’ve ever experienced. 

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It's been a while

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Something important.

“Cultivate a world you don’t regularly have to escape”

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I think about non sexual forms of intimacy that kind of surpasses physical lust. Subtle things that provide a kind of connection. A sentiment that goes beyond the realm of desire. A softness. Affection.

A stoic type of seriousness. A passionate expression that transmutes all levels of beauty.

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Everything is post but clarity

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Changes

So basically majority of my problems that I can try to trace back to comes down to my diet. Basically all the bad stuff that I put in my body in general. I have more energy and I feel like I can finally think clearly. 

Something I’ve been thinking about reconnecting with some guy I used to talk two about a year or two ago is the connection of a water sun with a virgo moon. All my strongest infatuations have always been a water sun with a virgo moon and I wonder why?

1. Scorpio sun, virgo moon

2. Pisces sun, virgo moon

3. Cancer sun, virgo moon. (I mean luckily I find him to be an absolute fuckboy so it kind of feels nice that I’d be operating from a level of detachment while I actually get my shit together)

I’m currently just trying to get over a 10th house Capricorn stellium (a weird stellium that occurs about every 680 years, a recent reconnection happened in 1989 where a lot of capricorn stelliums just happened. revisiting that later on.)

Anyway a weird connection. I don’t have have many virgo placements but my jupiter in virgo is in the first house. I did the research said it had something to do about sports. I don’t like sports but my niche was dance. ballet specifically. 

Another connection I find with the cap 10th house stellium and myself, a 12th house leo stellium is that he came from a long line of orators, and myself a long line of creators

I think of the connection of the father god (creator) and the son who was always referred to as “the word” (orator)

Just a bunch of weird connections that seem to make more sense in my head than me trying to articulate properly. All this abstract thought is all so convoluted.

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As far as wanting to be some disgusting elitist, I don't actually want the "status" or "recognition". I just want money and privacy. That's it

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Crying a lot. It’s dumb

I like a person aaaaaaaand

....Main thing is that I’m not equipped enough for it to flourish. 

Yo I’m still drinking. Other unresolved issues. Escapism.

tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he ghosted me entirely. Sucks but ..yeah

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Lists

I think I might actually be ready for a serious relationship. I think it’s strange but for once I actually feel solid.

I’m really happy that for once I’ve met someone completely grounded. It turns out that I don’t actually have anybody in my life at all that’s not volatile. I mean with the exception of one or two friends or and a cousin. I think my problem is that I see the idea of being stable and stagnancy as interchangeable. It’s not. 

It’s refreshing to know that he’s able to see things for what they are with just a twinkle of healthy optimism. No delusion, concisely perceptive, and very considerate. He’s not bragadocious about it either. He doesn’t wear empathy and kindness as some kind of accessory or statement piece. I mean it makes me roll my eyes hard every time he says “I’m a nice guy” but he is. It’s not so much important to me that he’s nice. But it’s really heartwarming to know that he’s kind and good. I’m not just saying this with rose colored glasses either. 

I have a bad habit of over romanticizing things and go head first to the point of not being able to see things clearly. I guess because he does stuff that kind of turn me off, I can actually come to this realistically. I can see it for what it is. I guess the rose colored glasses just aren’t my prescription. 

I think I just feel safe enough to put my feet on the ground. It sucks having to be so guarded all the time. 

He’s absolutely correct. He’s actually a fucking catch. 

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I’m beginning to think that maybe we do meet the right people at he right time. 

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thotty thoughts

I think about all the things that effect my everyday life that are tied to my relationships with people. So grossly enmeshed that I’m not sure where logic ends and feelings begin. 

I myself am not sure what the truth is in relation to what I feel. It’s almost impossible to compartmentalize. 

I find detachment something still difficult to practice but all in all something I have been conscientious enough to continue practicing. Setting boundaries with myself and others are beginning to come easier the more I go along. 

Still hurts but from what I can observe is probably the start of really healing. I just need to keep remembering to make sure that the wounds are clean enough before rebandaging. 

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It’s been a while

Since I’ve posted anything. Mostly it’s been just a series of manic lists and thoughts to catch up from me suffering from a full blown nervous breakdown.

I’ve been a little tired. Maybe just finished from an entirely different dissociative manic episode that I have largely forgotten or may have deliberately suppressed. I still have a lot of feelings I would like to express but I just feel both so emotionally and physically tired to get around doing so. 

At least I can feel like settling down a bit. I feel a little more confident with where I am currently. I mean minus my escapist stints. 

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Alright. I’m back to a schedule:

Tweaks:

-start lemon water by 7:30a

-start breakfast by 8:00a

-brush teeth

-fit a walk somewhere inbetween

-aim to be at work by 9:00a

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A simple type of comfort

Without any sort of pretense

Operating from a certain level of detachment

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Stoke the flame but temper the fire

You’re the comfort I need

The hearth I desire

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I constantly think about him. Maybe not the real person but what he represents. 

It was in a way that felt kind of pure. Innocent even. I wonder if it’s because he was rather shy and reserved. That any sort of interaction felt marked in a way of a higher value based on the supply. The allure was the demand. 

It was a sort of coquettish appeal I couldn’t put my finger on. 

It was concise. Possibly the most perceptive read of anybody that I’ve ever met. As awkward as he was, he was probably the smoothest man I’ve ever come across. 

I was enthralled.

How? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more intimidated to perform at the best of my ability. He was at the height of everything I expected in myself. 

I don’t think I’ve felt this way about anybody ever in my life. 

Even with my last, it didn’t reach the blip on the radar that this particular person was at. I don’t even think he knew it himself. An inferiority complex held back this magnificent creature. 

I’m a pretty good read as far as people are concerned. Especially when it comes to strangers. The level of distance with strangers gives me as much of an objective perspective that I can’t with people I’ve built more intimate relationships with. There’s no bias. There’s no muddied up connection to see them as they are vs seeing them in relation to myself. 

Everything new is exciting, no denying that. Even getting to personal depth with absolute strangers also shows a level of superficiality that gets overlooked because of the thrill. 

Time reaches a climax in every connection. Whether it skyrockets past the atmosphere or if it burns slow  building up and reaching the overflow. 

It’s all based on the temperance of your temperament really

Excitement and stimulation always reaches a climax. It’s not sustainable. There’s no sort of level of enjoying or acknowledging such without out the downward resolve or a plateau that causes desensitivity. 

Level out the center. True neutrality. It just sounds like a cop out.

But I think there’s more to that statement that doesn’t do justice when trying to explain. 

It seems striking to live life to the extremes. Like watching the burst of the firework but no one pays attention the remaining ash that dwindles down. No one talks about the cleanup. Everyone just wants to enjoy the initial popsmoke that causes any sort of excitement for that few seconds. Not the work or science to get to that point nor the cleanup after. 

Thoughts like that make me cynical in the views of love and romance go. The youth is wasted on the young. Time is a form of currency valued by the lack of supply and all of the demand. The juvenile logic that desperately clings on to the idea that eternity is living in suspended animation. Our organic matter tells us otherwise. There is no pause in any facet. If anything the entire concept is merely an illusion 

However thoughts repeat. Feelings are relived with each visit in that particular corner in your mind. Art exists even if the inevitable medium is likely to slowly deteriorate with time. Maybe the internet is only anomaly I can think of to disprove my entire argument, and even then the decay will always be the social construct as ethics change and with that, humanity. 

Wait, I started with talking about some dude I fucked. He’s still connected with all of this. Ugh whatever. I’m over trying to explain.

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Observation in 3D

I hate talking about myself to be honest.

It’s too loud. 

Now that I’m able to put these thoughts into words I’m beginning to question things. Things I probably try to reassess what fits best within my narrative in order to paint myself in a better light. 

I’m growing tired of constantly feeling I need to shine in a better light or prove anything to anybody. Expressing my perspective is one thing but the idea of trying to control my narrative seems so narcissistic. 

I guess that connotation implies that I’m somehow a morally upright protagonist that every viewer of this specific narrative should always be constantly rooting for me. Like, ew. 

Why the fuck would anyone without some sort of defect want to be that kind of puritanical giant? Just so some barely pubescent teen can cultivate a cult following for tripping you up? 

Maybe I relate more to the villains in some of these heroic epics. It just seems they have better understanding of the term “poetic justice” (more like poetic irony. HA) but I guess whoever’s vilified is based on who’s telling the story. 

I mean fuck Japan and Germany were social pariahs during WW2 and depending on which sovereign was crossed at the time by either nations, you’re not gonna hear good stuff. 

Culturally however, they’re rather aces. I’m just wondering if it weren’t for their differences in approaches (let’s be honest the cold efficiency increased productivity for them to advanced farther in their respective societies) Maybe the gung ho mentality stepped on too many toes. It was a world war after all.

It brings me to another topic as far as the puffing of the chest amongst european colonial sovereigns. The big two being the Anglos and the Latins. 

My opinion is that the Latins win. 

Latin roots are heavily embedded into the English language. BOOM

Latins be fucking ERRBODY. TO. COMPLETION.

Catholicism

Yeah they’re the thorough.

Also that island feels like a perfect example of why inbreeding bad long term. At least Spain fucked so much that they came to the conclusion early enough to stop the practice. 

Getting off topic. What did Spain and England have to dominate majority of the world that Germany and Japan didn’t have? Was it gunpowder at that given time?

Fuck would Belgium today have the ammo to colonize SA for diamonds? Would France today in any of their territories? Italy? 

For the level of staying power that the two big kahunas still have today. Alright maybe the antiquated living artifacts don’t have as much pull beyond fluffing the press. Minus the over focus on their dark respective brief moments in time, Maybe they deserve a 2nd chance on the reassessment on the culture.