lily-was-scared

[lily-was-scared]

New outfits new groups

I think the public reaction so has been relatively good but i do get the feeling people are willing to tolerate me over accept me. These things take time though.

I wore a new outfit today, it  was my first time showing off my shoulders in a low cut tank top. I feel like my shoulders are a bit too broad and i have a bit of scaring around my armpit area from when I was overweight in my teens. So as you can imagine I was pretty nervous. Maybe a little too nervous. I ended up wearing a hoodie over it the majority of the time but i did shine those shoulders a little and i’m glad i did. No one said anything negative about the outfit and it made me feel a little more confident about presenting. It was also my first time meeting with my new group, we only got an hour and that was cut a little shorter by smoke breaks but I think we covered a lot of ground. Its always difficult getting initial ideas going, I had the group try out a mock debate on our topic “History is irrelevant”. I hope it helped them to get the ball rolling and looking at new approaches to the subject. Hopefully they didn’t think I was too bossy or obnoxious either. When I got back i got ambushed by my childhood friends mom before i got in the door (she’s basically my second mom, we are close). I still hadn't came out to her but she thought it might be the case after her son saw my facebook. I absolutely love her to death but this was my first time getting the trope question > "Are you going all the way?" Luckily she saved herself by proceeding to say "or is it too early to tell yet"i just went with the second option. Genitalia isn't really important when it comes to gender.  But yes i would rather not have that thing between my legs but its not as simple as that. She also asked me why i never told her considering we are close. Simple answer, i wasn't ready. Im grateful to be privileged enough to have such supportive and progressive people around me, and now i’ve got one more.

[lily-was-scared]

I consume to consume to consume...

Spent the day cutting up fashion magazines to create a series of collages. I’ve found that a lot of the wording seen in these advertising heavy magazines comes across a cult like. Adverts of conflicting interests each screaming out “CONSUME ME”.  They are just another voice in the choir of capitalism. Hidden in plain sight. People pay for these magazines. The irony of self consumption like a dog chasing its tail. We don’t have a choice. Like the lettrist movement taught in class earlier this week. Life had become boring as a result consumption. Words have been stollen from us, only letters remain pure.   https://youtu.be/r2YeJpkrTOQ Im intending to create this collage series in the way i perceive these magazines. Pervasive, idol worship, cultist, begging and exploitative. This time they well sing alone, away from the choir. Lets hear their true voices. It reminded me of some CAT scans done in the BBC Three show Secrets of the Superbrands in which they compared the scans of a Apple fan to the same of a religion, Only feeding further into concept of brand cult worship that I wish to express with this series. https://youtu.be/mMTNGeLIPx4 The same day i watched the film adaptation of the play Three penny orchestra. It’s a honest and brutal approach on the concept of capitalism. “Food comes first, morals come after.” It reminded me that even someone who pushes against capitalism ends up becoming part of it. Whilst I may dabble into anti capitalist art, if there is food on the plate i’m just as much a part of it. Will we ever break free from the spectacle? Or is it only a matter of time until even the fringes of art are caught up in it.  https://youtu.be/eUgkrlL8GkE

[lily-was-scared]

Less benzos more euphoria

Feeling relatively good today. We were doing critiques for another summer project involving observational sketches and photos. People seemed to like my series of photos i brought in and we explored taking the photos further by re-framing and reorganizing them. My group and partner for that day were really fucking awesome. One of them even had a meme background on her phone like the one i had.

It feels good to be in a place that acknowledges who i am. Just hearing my name passed around or spoke makes me feel really amazing, there really can be two sides to dysphoria. 

During break I visited the canvas I like with the river. I picked up lunch and braved the rivers grasp once again sitting upon the wall. It was a really nice day and it was very busy. As a result some of my classmates from the previous year was there. I wanted to speak to them but they looked busy and i had forgotten some of their names. Unfortunately they were not interested in approaching me to chat either. That hurt.

Finished the day with a visit to the doctor. I spoke about maybe getting another prescription for benzos as my fear of going to class can often be overwhelming and i like to use them in emergencies. Like when i dropped my phone in the river for example. We agreed on one more prescription but he warned me once you go past 17 benzos a year the death rate sky rockets by like 300%. So pretty spooked. 

Also i now have a actual addiction. Claw games

https://imgur.com/jVaKwAr

[lily-was-scared]

Uber life

I keep reliving my experiences from yesterday. It was a little upsetting being mis-gendered while i was trying to receive my phone. I wouldn't dare of told the guy though as he was helping me and kind to me. Things are funny like that I doubt he has any issues with trans people otherwise he wouldn't of wasted his time helping me. I think its more just ignorance. That or i don't really pass yet.

(continued) I contacted my group and recommended we meet and do a mock debate for the history is irrelevant topic. I think that would be a great way to pull out ideas of what we can do for a piece and how we present it. (continued) I spent my morning thinking about a conversation I had with a trans woman. She had been ostracised from other trans communities for her beliefs. She seemed incredibly self loathing about the trans experience and wanted not only her gender to be that of a woman but also her sex. It’s a little unrealistic but I think most trans people are in the same boat. She was very negative about being trans and was alluding to the idea that being trans is a curse and we shouldn't be proud about it. I tried to explain to her that coming out as trans should ultimately be positive as you are progressing towards becoming the woman you are. She was heavily against this idea. Metaphorically I pictured a person born without a leg. When they choose to go to the doctor and are given a prosthetic one, they shouldn't think of the new leg as a curse. Going to the doctor and receiving the new leg is allowing them to progress to be the human they are. Very confused about this one I will have to discuss it with someone else at some point. (continued) Choose to wear a shirt and trousers today, kind of concerned that it will make me look even more masculine. It makes me feel uncomfortable like i’m masquerading as a woman rather then being one. I feel like a clown. I’m really scared to go in to school too because its a critique session of a brief i never received. Took a uber and listened to the best driving song.  https://youtu.be/CjQ2jGUNSck Half way there I realised I forgot to put deodorant on. Im a very clean girl so hopefully I didn't smell too bad. (conclusion) Everything ended up going pretty ok and i got a lot of notes done. Last week a friend introduced me to Toreba. My life hasn’t been the same since. I got this cute doggo last week.  https://imgur.com/ipdEmBO and this week I got their partner. https://imgur.com/18CMq7Q I wont talk about how much it costed me but i’m happy that the two of them will be joining me. All in all, good day. Very tired now though and I need to prepare photos for tomorrow, plus going to see the doc about getting more benzos now i’m studying again.

[lily-was-scared]

First time presenting

I'm absolutely terrified now. I tried a few outfits but they all looked stupid and made me dysphoric. It’s really horrible to look in the mirror and see something you are not. Especially so when you've made a effort. I feel like all my outfits look stupid, my make up is mediocre and I look like a man in a grandma dress or something. I feel like no one will take me seriously today and people will be put off from talking to me because i don’t fit the norm. Thats not even the worse part, how am I going to spend my lunch times, how am i going to take the bus? I have social anxiety and now I look like social anxiety incarnate. For once in my life i just hope i’m treated normal, i don't want to spend all day explaining my transition to people. I don’t want to be a asshole either. (continued) Need to put together 12 photos for an assignment + 12 observational drawings for Wednesday. It was meant to be a summer brief but somehow i missed the memo. I do tend to be the enigma. Theres no way I can get 24 pieces done in 1 day but the photos i can probably manage. (continued - after school) I would say the day overall went well. I popped a benzo before i left and sitting in a class full of strangers made me feel strangely at ease. Sometimes being around a large group of people can allow you to slip into the shades of loneliness, and that is what i’m used to.  I spoke to a small amount of people briefly and met one of the groups I would be working with. I had seen this man before, bowler hat, checkered blazer, curly handlebar moustache. Yes! I had briefly met him during my trip to New York. I was surprised to find  he was a year bellow me during the trip as his charisma shines apart from the standard year 1 student.  Eccentric? perhaps, but he looked pretty dapper for someone who came straight from the 1930s. With the group we were given the brief of creating a 1 minute film pushing the topic that history is irrelevant. All the groups were given similar controversial statements to base their work on.   Are we learning to create propaganda? I cant imagine these are the sort of things you would like to put on your portfolio but it is a chance to express in a way most of us haven't before. Playing devils advocate. I was a little disappointed at the topic we got because i'm sure we are going to go down the old timely trope if the bowler hat guy is any inclination. Theres a few rules though. No dialogue. No text. Black and white. Immediately my thoughts went to Fahrenheit 451. The concept of burning information and the idea that no matter how many times we learn lessons from the masters of the past, we as humanity keep ignoring them. So what value does history have to us? I had a few hours between my first and last class of the day so I went and ate at one of the other campus's. Thats when trouble strikes. I go to sit on the campus wall next to the river, I'm wearing my headphones with phone in pocket. Being in a dress + tights gives you a new interesting problem of the trans experience. How do i swing my legs over the wall without flashing someone. I managed to swing them over but as i did the tension pulled my phone from out my pocket like a trebuchet into the dank marshes of the river. Cue me plus 5 great samaritans trying to dredge through the swamps of the river to find my phone. Most people had given up at this point but the two people i sat near stayed with me and helped. One of them saw it and the other jumped in and got it for me! Then i had a muddy phone that was luckily still functioning. After I had to make my way back to class for another group crit meeting. I was sweaty, muddy, and of course anxious. I made it through the day, and my phone lives to tell the tale. No noticeable transphobia, no questioning of gender, a fair bit of misgendering but i think this was a pretty good day overall.

[lily-was-scared]

Modern Slur Usage

I'm very confused when it comes to trans people using trans slurs, or even worse trans slurs as their username. I can understand it can be empowering to wear your heart on your sleeve and be honest about your body and identity. 

When it comes to me personally though i feel like its degrading. I want to be seen as a woman, not a trans woman. When trans people use these slurs it makes me feel like they are just confirming that these slurs are appropriate. I value [FRIENDS NAME] opinions on issues like this a lot. From what they told me its more for the idea of reclaiming these slurs. Whilst I understand the concept I'm not sure reclamation of words are valuable. I cant help but think the reclamation of slurs of other minorities has just ended in it being acceptable for the majority to use them casually whilst still oppressing the minorities. I really cant imagine being homosexual and identifying as a [REDACTED], a trans woman as a [REDACTED], or a black person as a [REDACTED]. Its arguable that this is self deprecating humour, but identifying yourself as these slurs just seems like a confirmation to yourself of being less than human. I find that sad. Maybe my opinion of this will change in future. More queer theory? (continued) I feel bad bringing it up too, who am i the arbiter to decide whats acceptable or not in these communities. I remember when i was younger visiting the vegetarian reddit, people would make foods that contained egg or cheese vegans would slam them for it. I always felt like we should be on the same side, our in-squabbling being the least of our worries compared to the masses of people still eating meat. To conclude for now i think its fair that i criticise trans peoples use of these terms because if it should come from anyone it should come from a fellow trans person. Just like vegans and vegetarians are essentially on the same team so should the lgbt community.

[lily-was-scared]

Fears of old and new

Tomorrow marks a big day for me. It will be my first time interacting with classmates both old and new since i came out. I hate small talk and its difficult to get past that on first interactions. I always find it interesting when a action has equal fears on both sides of a coin. Will my old classmates accept me? Will my new classmates accept me? Most importantly will I feel safe? I rarely feel safe but coming out has helped, I just hope I'm treated as a equal. Interestingly enough I spoke to a trans woman in a chat i frequent, she's only a few days in and she finds herself doubting and questioning herself a lot. I and many other people have been left with these doubts, especially when you're first starting. You we're taught to be and act like a man all your life its hard to kick those habits once your out. Its deeply uncomfortable when you use your old name as a slip of the tongue, mis-gender yourself, and click into old voice patterns. I hope I manage ok tomorrow. (continued) My biggest fear going back is also my biggest interest in going back. Returning to art. I haven't drawn in months and I tend to feel a passive aggressive sort of competitive environment with large artist circles. Everyone's nice  but they also have the intent of working with people who are better than them. Makes sense, i just hope I'm up to par.

[lily-was-scared]

A beginning

So I made a "journal" i'm hoping i can use this space to post my musings, thoughts, art, and process. I've never really been very good at keeping journals but i do like to make a lot of notes, unfortunately for me my handwriting is unreadable, my spelling is bad, my punctuation is terrible and as is my content.

That being said i wish to use this journal as a vessel to improve on these aspects of my life and reflect my thoughts. Here’s to a new journal, i hope it can be as good as my friends. 

[lily-was-scared]

Zhou Tao: The Worldly Cave [Fán Dòng]

Zhou Tao: The Worldly Cave [Fán Dòng] Zhou Tao Is an artist trained in traditional mixed media, but much of his recent work has orientated heavily towards video, performance, photography and drawing.

https://youtu.be/xMFUBrpwdSU

I came upon Zhou Tao fresh to his work, having only seen the short trailer above so with this review I wish to give a “blind ignorance ” viewing of the film showing how my interpretation develops throughout the viewing.

The film is based around diasporic Hakka Communities within vast natural and industrial landscapes across the 🌍.

The film is a 47 minute surrealist piece with a large focus on landscapes and the people who inhabit them,

It almost presents itself as a portrait of the artist, in that respect the project has been a huge aspect of Zhou’s life, and even now he calls the film “unfinished” as he feels the piece will continue throughout his living experience.

The physical existence of the buildings and construction within the film lends itself to the artificial nature and industrial outer. I noticed interesting consistencies throughout the film and it gave me the impression of community and family, such as the 🐕, 🐃, 🐟, etc. I believe the families living within these states of displacement warms Zhou’s 💛 and gives him hope.

Zhou uses reflection, shadow, light, and sound to create distortions of our reality, changing our perception of our 🌍. I was curious as to why Zhou choose to show such monotonous acts in his film, such as people constructing, taking selfies, 🏊 etc.

Zhou’s film appears incredibly cinematic but it was all filmed by himself on location. His variation and choice of location was largely spontaneous, sometimes invited and sometimes just choosing to visit. He even spoke of a construction site he broke into and stayed at for a while. It was important for him to film at all stages of the project, as the state of the locations were constantly changing and evolving. It was important for him to capture the Hakka communities living in turbulent and constantly changing neo-desolate environments.

In one of the scenes we are presented with a visual environment that appears to be a dream like structure, but it’s actually filmed on the reflection of a bridge over 🚰. This is often in contrast to the daytime topology of thin lights impressible juxtapositions coming together in a natural organic way. Zhou presents the concept of changing our environments, to convey different states of labour.

During scenes when workers were constructing, Zhou had made the sound of construction using the sound of 32 buildings being demolished creating a nervous intensity of the ironic illusion of what is presented. The Hakka communities appear to always be in a state of limbo as their environment changes faster then the societies can grow.

In order to film within construction sites, Zhou was often forced to sneak in and use a zoom lens to capture the subjects working. Zhou was faced with locations  of discontent and intensity which comes across strongly throughout the piece.

It’s difficult to present new landscapes to an audience, as many locations are now available to 👀 on the internet and 📺. Rather than presenting a scene of science fiction, Zhou instead made the decision to reinterpret our environment.

The film locations were largely locations of conflict and unsettlement which were fast constructed and fast destroyed. Zhou stated that he didn’t care how the film ended, as the production was the true art of the piece. When Zhou found his excitement accumulating, he knew that the film was going in the right direction. As a result, the life of the film changes constantly. Comparing Zhou’s work from 2010 focusing largely on performance art expressing action, you could say this is a big contrast. Zhou says that his films are still about action, but longer viewing times lead to more opportunity for elements that aren’t actions to enter the piece. Zhou states that the only true action of the film is to deal with the reality of the present.

Since the age of 14,  Zhou has cared a lot about the tradition of Chinese culture. “Honestly i’m very traditional”. ���When the natural can be presented through the artificial they are not natural, we can no longer 👀 the mountains in the poetry of ancient China.” So instead the ⛰️ has become a reinterpretation. Transformation is sublime interpretation of the industrial 🌍.

So why is the film named “The Worldly Cave” ?

Zhou explains that The Worldly Cave is actually the name of a village in China. The villagers were made to move away in order to make space for concrete mines, but none of the footage of this was actually in the film. Zhou uses his film to allow himself to remember the village, and the changes in its beauty fills him with warmth. The village belonged to the Hakka community. After escaping conflict in northern China they named the village the Worldly Cave, meaning “warmth” in China, but eventually none of the villagers could remember who or why it was named that.

Due to the film’s abstract and surreal technique, the audience questioned how Zhou choose the order of scenes. For Zhou he makes decisions based on his emotions and never uses a script. When filming, Zhou stated that he would always be deeply focused on the 📹 at all times, despite the sometimes dangerous situations he found himself in.

An audience member made the link between the struggling 🐟 in the film and the community’s struggles, although Zhou sees them as a hopeful warmth in the cold 🌍. “If people can 👀 these realities people will be much more happy. People in the modern era are becoming less sensitive” Zhou claims he wishes to make people be more sensitive with his art.