lillie-ann

[lillie-ann]

If she stood very still, nobody could tell what she was thinking. It was how to stay out of trouble when she wanted to yell, yell, yell. Yelling was always really bad. Just thinking about yelling, she could feel Uncle slapping her. See his hand come and then you never knew how much it would hurt until he did it. It spun around in her head. She could tell Olivia about being mad. A low growl came out of her. She wanted to tell Olivia about the crib, but she could feel the yelling inside her like a bubble trying to come up. Lillie knew what else she could do when she was mad, but she only had one thing in the whole world. One thing that was hers. The only safe thing. She grabbed it fast, and with everything feeling red and her yelling trapped hard in her belly, Lillie started yanking her toy around, banging it on the couch. She hit it too. Something moved next to her, and she bolted for her kid bed and under it, the safest place she could get fast.

She had left the hospital wearing flannel pajamas. Boys pajamas with space ships on them, for she’d refused to wear the girl’s princess pajamas, calling them ‘party clothes’. There Lilly stood at the edge of the couch, thumping it hard a few times with a red fuzzy sock. The sort with little dots for traction on the bottom. The child was frowning as she looked hard into Olivia’s eyes. Thinking. Testing.

She kicked again one more time, her splayed hands braced on the seat. “The Uncle is always there. Always. ” Clearly, Lilly was not a fan. She smacked a hand down hard on the cushion, closely watching as if to see herself do it. It made her blink her eyes, and then she was looking at Olivia again. Perhaps looking to see if there would be trouble, whether she knew it or not. Apparently satisfied, she continued. “Whores get paid and get to go outside. Kids don’t get any money.” There was no doubt that this incensed her, but she was done with raising her voice. “And kids do all the stuff all the time and the Uncle can just say-” The child’s voice dropped to a whisper.“ -shut up. And you have to.” Hands flat on the cushion, she leaned forward and bumped her head on it as well but with more a look of weariness than aggression. Still, she did do it again.

Inside that little head, thoughts were racing.

[lillie-ann]

She had left the hospital wearing flannel pajamas. Boys pajamas with space ships on them, for she'd refused to wear the girl's princess pajamas, calling them 'party clothes'. There Lilly stood at the edge of the couch, thumping it hard a few times with a red fuzzy sock. The sort with little dots for traction on the bottom. The child was frowning as she looked hard into Olivia's eyes. Thinking. Testing.

She kicked again one more time, her splayed hands braced on the seat. "The Uncle is always there. Always. " Clearly, Lilly was not a fan. She smacked a hand down hard on the cushion, closely watching as if to see herself do it. It made her blink her eyes, and then she was looking at Olivia again. Perhaps looking to see if there would be trouble, whether she knew it or not. Apparently satisfied, she continued. "Whores get paid and get to go outside. Kids don't get any money." There was no doubt that this incensed her, but she was done with raising her voice. "And kids do all the stuff all the time and the Uncle can just say-" The child's voice dropped to a whisper." -shut up. And you have to." Hands flat on the cushion, she leaned forward and bumped her head on it as well but with more a look of weariness than aggression. Still, she did do it again.

Inside that little head, thoughts were racing.

She didn’t know what Olivia was thinking. Maybe it was bad to say what she said. Everybody told her not to talk about Jimmy or Teddy. Or the crib. Mostly it was bad if she talked to anybody. She shouldn’t be telling it.

But Olivia’s hand was nice on hers, not squeezing to tell her to stop talking. Maybe it was okay, but maybe it wasn’t. Lillie Ann didn’t know, so she just stayed real still. The lady’s hand was nice on her face. Well, she figured that Olivia was nice even when you were bad. She still didn’t want to see the police lady to be sad with her anyway. Lillie held still when Olivia touched her cheek because she was just waiting for her to go away like the whores did when she did that. Olivia didn’t go away. She was still there looking, and her hand got Lillie looking at her again.

Olivia had those big, big brown eyes, and they weren’t mad at all. She almost blubbered, but only one got out. She just felt so much better that she wasn’t in trouble, and Olivia wasn’t going away. She held on to her shoulder instead of just leaning, because she knew it was okay. Lillie Ann sniffed her runny nose and nodded.

“I’m okay.”

[lillie-ann]

She didn't know what Olivia was thinking. Maybe it was bad to say what she said. Everybody told her not to talk about Jimmy or Teddy. Or the crib. Mostly it was bad if she talked to anybody. She shouldn't be telling it.

But Olivia's hand was nice on hers, not squeezing to tell her to stop talking. Maybe it was okay, but maybe it wasn't. Lillie Ann didn't know, so she just stayed real still. The lady's hand was nice on her face. Well, she figured that Olivia was nice even when you were bad. She still didn't want to see the police lady to be sad with her anyway. Lillie held still when Olivia touched her cheek because she was just waiting for her to go away like the whores did when she did that. Olivia didn't go away. She was still there looking, and her hand got Lillie looking at her again.

Olivia had those big, big brown eyes, and they weren't mad at all. She almost blubbered, but only one got out. She just felt so much better that she wasn't in trouble, and Olivia wasn't going away. She held on to her shoulder instead of just leaning, because she knew it was okay. Lillie Ann sniffed her runny nose and nodded.

"I'm okay."

She wanted a drink of water so bad. Her mouth was all stuck. Lillie wanted to talk, but her voice wouldn’t come out. It was hard enough to breath in enough air so she wanted it the same as water.

Nobody had ever asked her before, and she always had wanted somebody to do it. It was easier to nod yes about Jimmy and Teddy, and to shake her head no about the crib.

The last two asks were hard.

Olivia’s shirt had a purple button on it that looked like it would be good to have and she stopped pushing herself up on the side of the couch and held on to that button instead. Her fingers bumped some near Olivia’s neck.

Lillie’s head tried to say yes and no at the same time. Then she stopped to think it out. She had always wished somebody would ask. Well now that she knew that kids didn’t go to jail. Or at least Olivia wouldn’t let them. “Teddy is too little, so they put him upstairs. Jimmy is bigger than me, but he’s not a whore yet. We’re just the kids.” Lillie wanted to just be talking, but it was so tight in her throat that her words were like wind as they whispered on their own. Lillie was starting to shake some, but Olivia’s button wasn’t. Olivia wasn’t as she leaned her hand on her.

Fix it. Fix what is broken, the child’s stormy sea blue eyes asked of the woman’s.

[lillie-ann]

She wanted a drink of water so bad. Her mouth was all stuck. Lillie wanted to talk, but her voice wouldn't come out. It was hard enough to breath in enough air so she wanted it the same as water.

Nobody had ever asked her before, and she always had wanted somebody to do it. It was easier to nod yes about Jimmy and Teddy, and to shake her head no about the crib.

The last two asks were hard.

Olivia's shirt had a purple button on it that looked like it would be good to have and she stopped pushing herself up on the side of the couch and held on to that button instead. Her fingers bumped some near Olivia's neck.

Lillie's head tried to say yes and no at the same time. Then she stopped to think it out. She had always wished somebody would ask. Well now that she knew that kids didn't go to jail. Or at least Olivia wouldn't let them. "Teddy is too little, so they put him upstairs. Jimmy is bigger than me, but he's not a whore yet. We're just the kids." Lillie wanted to just be talking, but it was so tight in her throat that her words were like wind as they whispered on their own. Lillie was starting to shake some, but Olivia's button wasn't. Olivia wasn't as she leaned her hand on her.

Fix it. Fix what is broken, the child's stormy sea blue eyes asked of the woman's.

It was quite the production the child made as she stuck three different fingers to clean off most of the sauce blobs. Then she wiped her hands vigorously. She still had a bit on the side of her nose the size of a child’s fingerprint. She got herself turned around, up on her knees in front of Olivia, looking straight at her while she used her good arm to balance a bit, elbow smacking the back of the couch and sometime’s resting there. Her long brown hair that had been put neatly into braids the day before was getting fuzzy and coming loose here and there. She brushed away strays from her own face, so she could look with clear, earnest blue eyes into Olivia’s dark ones. Clearly, she had not seen the woman reaching out. “Jimmy probably wants to see Cinderella.”

[lillie-ann]

It was quite the production the child made as she stuck three different fingers in her mouth to clean off most of the sauce blobs. Then she wiped her hands vigorously. She still had a bit on the side of her nose the size of a child's fingerprint. She got herself turned around, up on her knees in front of Olivia, looking straight at her while she used her good arm to balance a bit, elbow smacking the back of the couch and sometime's resting there. Her long brown hair that had been put neatly into braids the day before was getting fuzzy and coming loose here and there. She brushed away strays from her own face, so she could look with clear, earnest blue eyes into Olivia's dark ones. Clearly, she had not seen the woman reaching out. "Jimmy probably wants to see Cinderella."

lillie-ann​:

Lilly shook her head at Olivia’s question, and went back to watching this kid movie.

She really just wanted to watch it, but so much stuff was happening all at the same time.  Lilly kept thinking about Jimmy. She thought about not seeing her doll again and where she had left it, she kept seeing Jimmy in her head.  Jimmy had to be back at the Crib with her doll.  Lots of bad stuff happened there.  Maybe Jimmy was in trouble right now. 

Then the Fairy Godmother showed up, and the child became riveted by magic and pretty dresses.  Pumpkin into a carriage.  The mice were there too.  She was about to ask Olivia why the Fairy Godmother didn’t just turn the horse into another horse when she remembered what she really wanted to say.  She kept thinking about Jimmy.  And Teddy.

And all of them.

But you weren’t supposed to interrupt grown-ups when they were watching  t.v. .  She took sneak looks over at Olivia.  She wasn’t the same as anybody at the Crib.  Lilie wanted to say her name, but her throat was too tight. Just in time, she knew her hand had too much sauce on it, and pushed her leg with her leg.

The look on the girl’s face was fraught with worry.

Olivia allowed herself to get lost in Cinderella for a moment. She focused on nothing but what was going on on the television screen. It wasn’t until she felt the little nudge of Lillie’s leg against her own that she was snapped out of it. Her head turned slightly, glancing at her so she didn’t embarrass the girl if she had just been fidgeting, but something about the child’s posture had her concerned.

She picked up the remote and pressed the pause button before placing her pizza crust and napkin on the plate on the coffee table before the two of them. She wanted to give the girl her full attention. She knew better than to ask too many leading questions. She never wanted Lillie to feel she had to talk about things she just wasn’t ready for yet.

“We don’t have to watch the movie right now, Lillie. We can talk or do something else. I’m pretty sure there’s coloring books and crayons here somewhere.” She glanced around, hoping that she was right. This was a safe house meant for different types of people so it was safe to say there was toys and art supplies.

She started to reach out and tuck hair behind her ear, but thought better of it. She knew from her own experience that when she was in her own head, someone touching her would cause her to recoil and pull more inside herself. “It’s up to you, sweetheart. You can even lay down and try to sleep if you’re tired,” she offered.

[lillie-ann]

Lilly shook her head at Olivia’s question, and went back to watching this kid movie.

She really just wanted to watch it, but so much stuff was happening all at the same time.  Lilly kept thinking about Jimmy. She thought about not seeing her doll again and where she had left it, she kept seeing Jimmy in her head.  Jimmy had to be back at the Crib with her doll.  Lots of bad stuff happened there.  Maybe Jimmy was in trouble right now. 

Then the Fairy Godmother showed up, and the child became riveted by magic and pretty dresses.  Pumpkin into a carriage.  The mice were there too.  She was about to ask Olivia why the Fairy Godmother didn’t just turn the horse into another horse when she remembered what she really wanted to say.  She kept thinking about Jimmy.  And Teddy.

And all of them.

But you weren’t supposed to interrupt grown-ups when they were watching  t.v. .  She took sneak looks over at Olivia.  She wasn’t the same as anybody at the Crib.  Lilie wanted to say her name, but her throat was too tight. Just in time, she knew her hand had too much sauce on it, and pushed her leg with her leg.

The look on the girl's face was fraught with worry.

lillie-ann​:

They all watched the mice work and work to make a dress for Cinderella. Olivia, Susan, and her. Mostly, Lillie Ann would have hid her doll up the back of her shirt to keep her safe. It would be okay because dolls knew what you were looking at as long as you had them touching you. Now, because Olivia was so nice and nothing bad could happen, Susan could just look on her own.

Maybe Jimmy could see Cinderella too. He was kind of like a doll now, and her friend. She hoped Teddy was still seeing his own things. Before she could really get worried, the dress was too good. Olivia was right, she did like these kind of mice!

That was when she got a piece of pizza in both hands. Her belly was so hungry now! It was just right in her mouth and she mmMMmed around it. Lillie was having her next bite when Cinderella put the dress on.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Olivia asked, and Lillie looked over. Even eating pizza, Olivia was prettier.

“Do you know how to sing?” she asked her, then remembered to be nice so she wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve.

Olivia watched her wipe her mouth and then offered her a napkin of her own. “Here. Use this instead of your sleeve. Just to the pizza sauce doesn’t make your clothes all stained,” she said softly, not wanting to scold her but to help her learn manners. She was glad to see the girl eating, so that would be the last she would mention about the napkin and making messes on her clothes.

She thought about her earlier question and shook her head. “Sadly, no. I cannot sing. Well, I can, but it’s not pretty,” she said softly, laughing behind it a little to ease her own nervousness because she’d always been self conscious about her singing voice. She rarely, if ever, sang unless she was completely alone in the car and sometimes in the shower. But mostly, she hummed or whistled.

“What about your? Can you sing? I bet you can if you tried,” she encouraged softly. She took another sip of her drink and smiled at the girl. “I think that’s why I like Disney Princesses so much. They sing so beautifully. Almost makes me jealous,” she whispered like it was some kind of secret.

[lillie-ann]

They all watched the mice work and work to make a dress for Cinderella. Olivia, Susan, and her. Mostly, Lillie Ann would have hid her doll up the back of her shirt to keep her safe. It would be okay because dolls knew what you were looking at as long as you had them touching you. Now, because Olivia was so nice and nothing bad could happen, Susan could just look on her own.

Maybe Jimmy could see Cinderella too. He was kind of like a doll now, and her friend. She hoped Teddy was still seeing his own things. Before she could really get worried, the dress was too good. Olivia was right, she did like these kind of mice!

That was when she got a piece of pizza in both hands. Her belly was so hungry now! It was just right in her mouth and she mmMMmed around it. Lillie was having her next bite when Cinderella put the dress on.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Olivia asked, and Lillie looked over. Even eating pizza, Olivia was prettier.

"Do you know how to sing?" she asked her, then remembered to be nice so she wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve.

lillie-ann​:

Mostly, at the crib, nobody really looked at her. That was best. Lillie Ann did her best to help nobody wanting to look at her. And mostly always, she didn’t want them to see if she liked something she had. She could only like things a little bit when someone was looking at her. At night was better. There was that one blanket that was so soft around the sides. When it was dark and no one was seeing her, she could rub it on her cheek and it was nice. If anyone knew, they’d tease her with it and take it away if they got mad. Or mess it up. The one doll she still had only had one arm left.

All at once, that blanket and her doll seemed really far away, and she knew she wasn’t going to have them anymore.

It scared her so bad when she saw Olivia seeing her with Susan. It felt like Olivia was teasing her, being so nice. Olivia was always nice, but grownups had to keep you good somehow didn’t they? All Lillie could do was play pretend not to like her new doll, even when she really really wanted her.

Then Olivia was looking at her, looking just as worried as Lillie felt in her middle. They were being worried together. Lillie’s tears were hot as they fell down her face, but it was all the worry coming out of her and it helped. When she saw Olivia’s hands so nice to Susan, she knew the lady wasn’t ever going to hurt her new doll.

She couldn’t talk yet, but she nodded. Yes. She wanted to eat pizza with Olivia and Susan. When Olivia gave her her she held on tight with her hands and pushed Susan’s face onto hers. To hide in. To smell. To make sure Susan really was hers and it was all okay now. Susan smelled good and new, and her face was so soft. After a big hug, and all the tears were Susan’s now, Lillie put her in her lap so she could see.

On the T.V. there were bubbles and bubbles as Cinderella washed the floor. Inside each bubble was another Cinderella and they were all singing together. It was the best song she ever heard. It was so good, it was all she had to think about.

The pizza smelled good and looked really good, but first she wanted to hear the singing and wait for her tummy to feel better.

Olivia relaxed only a little bit as the girl took the doll. She watched as she collected herself and had a quiet moment with her doll before she tried to settle down and enjoy the rest of the night. She wanted so desperately to pull them both onto her lap and just hold them tight, but she had to tread carefully so that Lillie didn’t retreat completely. Her hand reached out, stroking the back of the girl’s head as gently as she dared.

As Lillie���s attention went back to the movie, she reached for her own glass and took a sip. She wouldn’t push the girl to eat because she knew that what it was like to be so upset that you couldn’t eat. Sometimes your appetite would just disappear. So she kept the atmosphere as quiet and happy as she could. She pulled her piece of pizza to her and started to eat, casually glancing at the girl from time to time.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it free. She smiled to see Barba’s name on the screen. She swiped her phone and read his message. She wished that she could have taken Lillie to her place with Noah and Rafael, but that was too risky to both Lillie and her family. She couldn’t and wouldn’t ever do that. She texted back, promising to call him as soon as she could and then returned her attention to the movie.

She reached for a second slice and placed it on her plate. She wiped her mouth with her napkin as she sat up slightly. “Isn’t she beautiful?” she asked softly. The animals had just finished making Cinderella’s dress so she could go to the ball to meet Prince Charming.

[lillie-ann]

Mostly, at the crib, nobody really looked at her. That was best. Lillie Ann did her best to help nobody wanting to look at her. And mostly always, she didn't want them to see if she liked something she had. She could only like things a little bit when someone was looking at her. At night was better. There was that one blanket that was so soft around the sides. When it was dark and no one was seeing her, she could rub it on her cheek and it was nice. If anyone knew, they'd tease her with it and take it away if they got mad. Or mess it up. The one doll she still had only had one arm left.

All at once, that blanket and her doll seemed really far away, and she knew she wasn't going to have them anymore.

It scared her so bad when she saw Olivia seeing her with Susan. It felt like Olivia was teasing her, being so nice. Olivia was always nice, but grownups had to keep you good somehow didn't they? All Lillie could do was play pretend not to like her new doll, even when she really really wanted her.

Then Olivia was looking at her, looking just as worried as Lillie felt in her middle. They were being worried together. Lillie's tears were hot as they fell down her face, but it was all the worry coming out of her and it helped. When she saw Olivia's hands so nice to Susan, she knew the lady wasn't ever going to hurt her new doll.

She couldn't talk yet, but she nodded. Yes. She wanted to eat pizza with Olivia and Susan. When Olivia gave her her she held on tight with her hands and pushed Susan's face onto hers. To hide in. To smell. To make sure Susan really was hers and it was all okay now. Susan smelled good and new, and her face was so soft. After a big hug, and all the tears were Susan's now, Lillie put her in her lap so she could see.

On the T.V. there were bubbles and bubbles as Cinderella washed the floor. Inside each bubble was another Cinderella and they were all singing together. It was the best song she ever heard. It was so good, it was all she had to think about.

The pizza smelled good and looked really good, but first she wanted to hear the singing and wait for her tummy to feel better.

lillie-ann​:

The girl took the napkin and held it in a small tight fist. She bit at her lower lip, the delicate wings of her eyebrows drawn up in worry as she watched Olivia. As the woman tended the doll, the child’s mouth popped open, and one could hear her breathing.

The more Olivia spoke, the more Lillie’s shoulders began to lower and her breath to slow. Still, those blue eyes brimmed with tears even though they did not fall. She tore at her napkin, clearly caught in some sort of confusion. Her gaze darted from the doll to the Detective and back again, finally landing on the Detective. Her voice wasn’t much more than a whisper.

“You …you won’t take her if I’m bad or if I spill?”

Olivia’s patience was evident as she tried to make sure that the environment remained calm. She refused to scare the girl when it was clear that she had enough trauma to fill many books. Her throat tightened slightly as she tried to swallow back the emotion that often threaten to come out when she had to deal with child victims. She wished she could say that Lillie was a rarity, but sadly, she was not. She was only a drop in the bucket. 

“No, Lillie. Spills are accidents and accidents happen to even big people like me. I spill sometimes too.” She picked up the doll, affectionately stroking the doll’s hair before she offered her to the girl. “And how could you be so bad that I would want to hurt you by taking away Susan?” 

She could only hope that the girl would believe her and take the doll from her so that she could enjoy her pizza and also the rest of Cinderella that was still playing in the background. Her head tilted. “Don’t you want to eat pizza with Susan and me? It’s really good.” 

[lillie-ann]

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[lillie-ann]

The girl took the napkin and held it in a small tight fist. She bit at her lower lip, the delicate wings of her eyebrows drawn up in worry as she watched Olivia. As the woman tended the doll, the child's mouth popped open, and one could hear her breathing.

The more Olivia spoke, the more Lillie's shoulders began to lower and her breath to slow. Still, those blue eyes brimmed with tears even though they did not fall. She tore at her napkin, clearly caught in some sort of confusion. Her gaze darted from the doll to the Detective and back again, finally landing on the Detective. Her voice wasn't much more than a whisper.

"You . . .you won't take her if I'm bad or if I spill?"

lillie-ann​:

The child suddenly slowed as if wind held her back or she was submerged in water. Blue, half lidded eyes raked a single glance across Olivia with a potency that had not shown itself since the girl had thrown shoes at the Detective from the depths of a hotel closet.

The imaginary piece of pizza was completely ignored, and instead a small hand pushed the purple clad doll with it’s blonde curls quite deliberately over onto it’s plastic face. Lillie’s tiny jaw clenched for just a moment before all emotion left her face. Making no eye contact, and still caught in that strange slowness, the child got her feet on the floor and eased down to her rump beside Olivia.

Her nostrils flared twice, smelling the pizza with a desire she could not hide, but she wasn’t looking at it or the movie any more than she was the woman beside her.

“It’s just a thing. It doesn’t eat.” her small voice was full of practiced sarcasm. Practiced, but not entirely believable. There was a tremble just underneath.

Olivia’s lips fell into a frown, knowing that Lillie would be going through so many emotions, and she had to be able to roll with them as they came. She wasn’t a therapist by any means, but she’d talked to her share of victims both young and gold. The young ones were the worst because they were always too young to understand that even though this thing happened to them that it wasn’t anything they did wrong that caused it. 

With a tilt of her head, she offered the girl a napkin as she slowly wiped at her own mouth before she ventured to ask what had caused the girl to not want to engage with her doll anymore. She’d been having so much fun pretending. “Maybe she doesn’t eat real pizza but pretend pizza she does.” She reached to sit Susan back upright, smoothing down the doll’s dress and then the doll’s hair. 

“It’s okay to pretend, you know? It’s not hurting you or me or even the doll. She’s happy to be played with and loved the way little girls like you are supposed to love their dolls and toys.” She had abandoned her pizza altogether as the worry for the girl took precedent. 

[lillie-ann]

The child suddenly slowed as if wind held her back or she was submerged in water. Blue, half lidded eyes raked a single glance across Olivia with a potency that had not shown itself since the girl had thrown shoes at the Detective from the depths of a hotel closet.

The imaginary piece of pizza was completely ignored, and instead a small hand pushed the purple clad doll with it's blonde curls quite deliberately over onto it's plastic face. Lillie's tiny jaw clenched for just a moment before all emotion left her face. Making no eye contact, and still caught in that strange slowness, the child got her feet on the floor and eased down to her rump beside Olivia.

Her nostrils flared twice, smelling the pizza with a desire she could not hide, but she wasn't looking at it or the movie any more than she was the woman beside her.

"It's just a thing. It doesn't eat." her small voice was full of practiced sarcasm. Practiced, but not entirely believable. There was a tremble just underneath.

lillie-ann​:

Somebody wanted in the crib. Lillie Ann looked fast at Olivia to see what she was thinking about that. The lady looked happy and was happy about the pizza too. That was good because Lillie wanted to keep watching this kid movie. Right now there was a soft sleepy dog that was running anyway even while it was laying down. It was so floppy that it tickled in her tummy and some laughing came out. It felt good to have some laughing. She was more used to other people laughing.

She was worried for Bruno when the cat was so mean, but then Lillie started thinking about how it was all just pretend. Somebody had just drawn them to tell a story. Nobody was going to get hurt. Not for real. Anyway, Cinderella told them to be good then without yelling or anything and it was all okay.

Really, everything was okay here. All the things were good. Nothing bad was happening at all. The last bad thing had been that one big poke from the hospital, and that was days and days ago. Maybe Olivia was right and nothing was going to be bad again. She gave Susan a big hug to help the sudden banging in her chest trying to dream up her own story.

Then she wasn’t thinking that any more because Cinderella had a plate on her head while she was going up big stairs. And two more in her hands. That was pretty funny too! Olivia was coming back with plates and cups and pizza for them. Lillie was smiling at her.

“You could put some on your head.”

She put Susan on her own head, but she held on. She couldn’t do it like Cinderella. Nobody really could. Back to the couch she went. The pizza smelled really really really good. Lillie put Susan on the couch where she could see the T.V.. Olivia was putting things on the table in front of the couch, so Lillie sat close to it. It was kid pizza. Real kid pizza. She wanted to feed some to Susan, that would be fun, but she knew she’d just get her dirty.

Olivia chuckled softly, glancing at the television and shaking her head. “I’m afraid that I’m not as good at it as Cinderella.” She sat the plates and napkins down on the table along with another cup of juice for Lillie. She moved to her knees on the floor as she didn’t want to get pizza grease on the couch. She watched as Lillie made sure that Susan could see the movie.

She patted the floor next to her as she opened the pizza box. “Come on. Let’s sit down here while we watch the rest of the movie okay?” She pulled a piece of pizza from the box and put it on a plate for the girl and then took one for herself. “Smells good, doesn’t it?”

“Susan can have some too.” She then took a plate and pretended to pull another piece from the box and handed it to Lillie to give to her doll. “Nobody should miss out on cheese pizza.”

[lillie-ann]

Somebody wanted in the crib. Lillie Ann looked fast at Olivia to see what she was thinking about that. The lady looked happy and was happy about the pizza too. That was good because Lillie wanted to keep watching this kid movie. Right now there was a soft sleepy dog that was running anyway even while it was laying down. It was so floppy that it tickled in her tummy and some laughing came out. It felt good to have some laughing. She was more used to other people laughing.

She was worried for Bruno when the cat was so mean, but then Lillie started thinking about how it was all just pretend. Somebody had just drawn them to tell a story. Nobody was going to get hurt. Not for real. Anyway, Cinderella told them to be good then without yelling or anything and it was all okay.

Really, everything was okay here. All the things were good. Nothing bad was happening at all. The last bad thing had been that one big poke from the hospital, and that was days and days ago. Maybe Olivia was right and nothing was going to be bad again. She gave Susan a big hug to help the sudden banging in her chest trying to dream up her own story.

Then she wasn't thinking that any more because Cinderella had a plate on her head while she was going up big stairs. And two more in her hands. That was pretty funny too! Olivia was coming back with plates and cups and pizza for them. Lillie was smiling at her.

"You could put some on your head."

She put Susan on her own head, but she held on. She couldn't do it like Cinderella. Nobody really could. Back to the couch she went. The pizza smelled really really really good. Lillie put Susan on the couch where she could see the T.V.. Olivia was putting things on the table in front of the couch, so Lillie sat close to it. It was kid pizza. Real kid pizza. She wanted to feed some to Susan, that would be fun, but she knew she'd just get her dirty.

lillie-ann​:

Lillie liked the music, and the spray of falling stars. She never had seen a movie like this before. Olivia had a lot to say about it, too much for her to really get it, but if Olivia said everything was going to be okay, then it was going to be.

She blinked and blinked. It was a book. Someone was going to tell her book on the T.V.! A kid book, right on the T.V.. It was almost hard to breath as the book turned into moving drawings. She moved Susan in her arms to make sure the doll could see good too. It was good that Olivia had said there were meanies, because there they were. Still, it was only a little mean. Lillie was glad to see that there were not any men around, so it couldn’t be too bad. Just a little bad. Even if the step-mother was mean, and the sisters, still, Cinderella had a nice room. Her bed looked so cozy, and the window was really nice. The mice weren’t even like rats at all, they wore little clothes. They were Cinderella’s friends, and Lillie liked their little funny voices.

And then Cinderella started to sing. She was so pretty! And she was singing so nice! Keeping Susan tight in her hand, Lillie had to get off the couch and get all the way up to the T.V.. Her fingers touched that singing, drawing, of a mouth because her heart felt so good about it. She’d never heard music she liked before, but she really liked this.

Lillie really liked this. She didn’t know how Olivia knew how much she’d like this, but Olivia seemed to know everything she liked. She wiggled a bit with the sound of the music, and patted Cinderella’s face.

Olivia was happy to see Lillie’s joy when it came to watching Cinderella for the first time. She had seen this movie so many time that she could recite it by heart so it was always mesmerizing when she witnessed someone experiencing it for the first time. This was the first time that she’d gotten to see someone as young as Lillie enjoying this kind of moment. She smiled as Lillie made sure that Susan got to enjoy the movie as well.

It wasn’t until the girl got up from the couch and approached the TV that she had to pick up her phone and take a little video of her. She did it quietly so that she wouldn’t pull Lillie from the moment. It was a short video that she sent to Rollins as she responded to the text from a little before.

She placed her phone on the arm of the couch as she shifted in her seat and grabbed the bottle of water and put it to her lips. “I’m so happy that you like this movie, Lillie.” She’d have to remember to get a copy of Frozen because she was certain that the girl would love that one, too.

Their was a soft knock at the door, causing her to stand up. “And that is the pizza,” she announced excitedly. She grabbed the girl’s cup and moved to open the door that lead to the garage.

The uniformed officers that were stationed outside would have intercepted the pizza delivery person and got their order as well as brought their food to the door. “Thanks.” She closed the door behind her and moved to place the cup on the counter and the pizza box on the coffee table in front of the couch. “Let me get the plates and your juice.”

[lillie-ann]

Lillie liked the music, and the spray of falling stars. She never had seen a movie like this before. Olivia had a lot to say about it, too much for her to really get it, but if Olivia said everything was going to be okay, then it was going to be.

She blinked and blinked. It was a book. Someone was going to tell her book on the T.V.! A kid book, right on the T.V.. It was almost hard to breath as the book turned into moving drawings. She moved Susan in her arms to make sure the doll could see good too. It was good that Olivia had said there were meanies, because there they were. Still, it was only a little mean. Lillie was glad to see that there were not any men around, so it couldn't be too bad. Just a little bad. Even if the step-mother was mean, and the sisters, still, Cinderella had a nice room. Her bed looked so cozy, and the window was really nice. The mice weren't even like rats at all, they wore little clothes. They were Cinderella's friends, and Lillie liked their little funny voices.

And then Cinderella started to sing. She was so pretty! And she was singing so nice! Keeping Susan tight in her hand, Lillie had to get off the couch and get all the way up to the T.V.. Her fingers touched that singing, drawing, of a mouth because her heart felt so good about it. She'd never heard music she liked before, but she really liked this.

Lillie really liked this. She didn't know how Olivia knew how much she'd like this, but Olivia seemed to know everything she liked. She wiggled a bit with the sound of the music, and patted Cinderella's face.

lillie-ann​:

For just a second, she was afraid for Susan. That was what her doll’s name was. She almost wished that Olivia hadn’t seen her, or the blanket. Lillie Ann almost smacked Olivia’s hand as she reached out to touch her, but trust filled her up just a second later. Nice hands, soft hands, as the woman touched her new friend. It left Lillie wanting for air as Olivia was so nice, so sweet, being the nicest. So nice as she always was. It felt like her own toes when Olivia gave Susan’s a little wiggle, and gave everyone a smile. Well, Susan’s was made on her face, but Lillie knew it was for real.

It was then that she was sure everything was right, and going to be right as long as Olivia was around. She even let Olivia touch her face, getting her long hair out of the way. Olivia was smiling at her, but not a bad smile, a really good one. Still, just to be sure, Lillie Ann put the new blanket between them as they sat on the couch. That made her feel safest. She just wanted everything to be as good as it was being right now. She and Olivia were sitting close, but the blanket stuffed down between them was a good way to say she wanted things to stay the way they were. That and picking up her soft doll close, so nothing bad at all could happen just in case. She pressed the safe soft of Susan up against her chest.

She was glad that Noah was safe too. She wished her real friends were safe, but right now, Lillie Ann just wanted what she wanted. Juice, kid pizza, and to find out just what a carriage was. She knew what a pumpkin was, they had candles in them and funny faces at Halloween.

When Lillie Ann thought about Noah, it made her think about her friends back in the crib, dead dead dead, or alive. Noah must be alive, if he was friends with Olivia. Still, right now Lillie just wanted what she wanted and she couldn’t take care of anybody right now. Soon she’d tell, but right now her arm still ached, and she was safe the first time she could think of. Olivia could fix things better later. Being careful to not be mean at all, she pushed the remote back at Olivia, not knowing how to make it go. But she knew Olivia did. She knew everything. She could make it go with one of the lots and lots of buttons there were.

“Can we see it now?” She asked, knowing that they could if Olivia just pushed the right button.

She wanted to see Cinderella, knowing it was a kid movie, just like there was kid pizza and sweet juice She wanted it as much as she wanted cheese. Cheese, and for her friend Olivia to stay close to her. She looked up at the dark haired lady, hoping she would understand as much as she seemed to understand everything. Lillie Ann wanted to suck on Susan’s hand, but knew it would be as naughty as wiping her nose on her own sleeve. She stuck her thumb in her mouth instead and nodded at Olivia. She held on tight to Susan’s softness, and banged her socks together hopefully.

Lillie wanted to put her put her head on Olivia’s arm, but not yet. Not yet. Not ‘till she was sure sure sure.

“Cindrella kay?” she wanted to be sure, taking her thumb out of her mouth just so much she could talk good. “An them carriage. And mice… . .please.”

Olivia noticed the way that Lillie’s face changed as she interacted with the doll. She was careful not to push too many more of the child’s boundaries because that could very well shut her down and make it impossible to get her to trust and open up to her or anyone else. She wanted the girl to always feel safe with her. Then the blanket was placed between them, and she got the message loud and clear.

She smiled down at her and nodded. She pressed the play button, and the all to familiar sound of the beginnings of every Disney movie filled the room. The castle appeared soon after and then Tinkerbell as she brought magic to the castle and let it sparkle.

She allowed her body to sink down into the couch, glancing at her phone for a brief second to make sure that Lucy or Rafael hadn’t messaged her. She saw a text from Rollins and knew she’d have to get back to her sooner rather than later, but that could wait. She would have called had it been any sort of emergency.

She turned her head then, seeing the young girl as she started to suck on her thumb. It was something that she’d had to help Noah stop the habit of when he was around two years old, but she wasn’t about to take away the bit of comfort that Lillie could get from doing it. Self-soothing wasn’t something you wanted to discourage in cases like this.

“You’ll like the mice and the dog. He’s a real sweetheart. Then the birds when they sing with Cinderella.” She felt the need to tell her about the stepmother and the stepsisters. “There are meanies in this movie that don’t want Cinderella to be happy, but her Fairy Godmother comes and makes things happy so please don’t be upset okay? I promise it’s a happy ending.”

[lillie-ann]

For just a second, she was afraid for Susan. That was what her doll's name was. She almost wished that Olivia hadn't seen her, or the blanket. Lillie Ann almost smacked Olivia's hand as she reached out to touch her, but trust filled her up just a second later. Nice hands, soft hands, as the woman touched her new friend. It left Lillie wanting for air as Olivia was so nice, so sweet, being the nicest. So nice as she always was. It felt like her own toes when Olivia gave Susan's a little wiggle, and gave everyone a smile. Well, Susan's was made on her face, but Lillie knew it was for real.

It was then that she was sure everything was right, and going to be right as long as Olivia was around. She even let Olivia touch her face, getting her long hair out of the way. Olivia was smiling at her, but not a bad smile, a really good one. Still, just to be sure, Lillie Ann put the new blanket between them as they sat on the couch. That made her feel safest. She just wanted everything to be as good as it was being right now. She and Olivia were sitting close, but the blanket stuffed down between them was a good way to say she wanted things to stay the way they were. That and picking up her soft doll close, so nothing bad at all could happen just in case. She pressed the safe soft of Susan up against her chest.

She was glad that Noah was safe too. She wished her real friends were safe, but right now, Lillie Ann just wanted what she wanted. Juice, kid pizza, and to find out just what a carriage was. She knew what a pumpkin was, they had candles in them and funny faces at Halloween.

When Lillie Ann thought about Noah, it made her think about her friends back in the crib, dead dead dead, or alive. Noah must be alive, if he was friends with Olivia. Still, right now Lillie just wanted what she wanted and she couldn't take care of anybody right now. Soon she'd tell, but right now her arm still ached, and she was safe the first time she could think of. Olivia could fix things better later. Being careful to not be mean at all, she pushed the remote back at Olivia, not knowing how to make it go. But she knew Olivia did. She knew everything. She could make it go with one of the lots and lots of buttons there were.

"Can we see it now?" She asked, knowing that they could if Olivia just pushed the right button.

She wanted to see Cinderella, knowing it was a kid movie, just like there was kid pizza and sweet juice She wanted it as much as she wanted cheese. Cheese, and for her friend Olivia to stay close to her. She looked up at the dark haired lady, hoping she would understand as much as she seemed to understand everything. Lillie Ann wanted to suck on Susan's hand, but knew it would be as naughty as wiping her nose on her own sleeve. She stuck her thumb in her mouth instead and nodded at Olivia. She held on tight to Susan's softness, and banged her socks together hopefully.

Lillie wanted to put her put her head on Olivia's arm, but not yet. Not yet. Not 'till she was sure sure sure.

"Cindrella kay?" she wanted to be sure, taking her thumb out of her mouth just so much she could talk good. "An them carriage. And mice. . . . .please."

lillie-ann​:

Olivia’s smile made her smile back. She didn’t even worry when the lady left the room, Lillie Ann could still hear her making little sounds in the kitchen. And she was going to come back and sit right next to her for the whole Cinderella. And juice. And pizza. It all sounded really good. And she knew things were going to keep being good now. Lillie couldn’t think of a time she felt so good. So safe.

She was going to wipe her nose on her sleeve, but then she saw a box of tissues and got up to get one. She did, and from there she could see down the hall. All the lights were on. It was so quiet, and nice here. Down the hall she went, and saw a bedroom. On the big bed was a pink blanket, a toy dog, and a doll. Oh, it was a nice doll! Any other time, it was probably going to be a trick, or get her in trouble, but now she knew it was just for her and she could have it for nothing. Lillie took it down, liking it even more. It was a soft doll for hanging onto, and it had a nice, smiling face and soft purple overalls.

Lillie took it, and the small pink blanket. She felt really happy as she took it back to the couch in the T.V. room.

Olivia came back with the juice, and Lillie Ann was very careful with it not to spill. It was cold and good and didn’t have any medicine in it.

“Did you save Noah too?”

Olivia was happy to discover that Lillie had felt save enough to explore on her own and had found the blanket and the doll. She would have to remember to send out for more toys. She smiled at her. “I’m glad you brought your friend to see the movie with us.” She touched the doll’s foot and shook it gently as if she was engaging with the doll and Lillie at the same time.

Her eyes were soft as she met the girl’s eyes when she asked about Noah. She nodded gently. “I did. He was just an itty bitty baby when we found him living with bad people.” She remembered the way that Noah had felt so special to her from the moment that the baby had been placed in her arms until the day the judge summoned her and asked her to consider fostering the child. “Maybe you can meet him someday,” she offered softly, tucking hair behind Lillie’s ear gently.

The menu popped up onto the screen, wanting them to make a selection. She picked up the remote. “Are you ready to push play and see how a pumpkin gets turned into a beautiful carriage for Cinderella to ride in to the ball?”

[lillie-ann]

Olivia's smile made her smile back. She didn't even worry when the lady left the room, Lillie Ann could still hear her making little sounds in the kitchen. And she was going to come back and sit right next to her for the whole Cinderella. And juice. And pizza. It all sounded really good. And she knew things were going to keep being good now. Lillie couldn't think of a time she felt so good. So safe.

She was going to wipe her nose on her sleeve, but then she saw a box of tissues and got up to get one. She did, and from there she could see down the hall. All the lights were on. It was so quiet, and nice here. Down the hall she went, and saw a bedroom. On the big bed was a pink blanket, a toy dog, and a doll. Oh, it was a nice doll! Any other time, it was probably going to be a trick, or get her in trouble, but now she knew it was just for her and she could have it for nothing. Lillie took it down, liking it even more. It was a soft doll for hanging onto, and it had a nice, smiling face and soft purple overalls.

Lillie took it, and the small pink blanket. She felt really happy as she took it back to the couch in the T.V. room.

Olivia came back with the juice, and Lillie Ann was very careful with it not to spill. It was cold and good and didn't have any medicine in it.

"Did you save Noah too?"

lillie-ann​:

Oh, the trust. Such trust. Lillie Ann did not really understand the word, but she was starting to understand the feeling of it. To never have to watch a scary movie again loosed something in her chest that had always been there regardless of the pains of hard handling she had felt. Pains that had been all but healed in the Hospital. Lips parted as she took in deep breaths. Believing. Believing. In her police lady’s face, she saw only the truth. Never again would she have to watch a movie where grown ups took off their clothes and hurt each other. Solemn, she nodded, one tear tracking down a youth rounded cheek though the rest of her face showed no sign of the crying that was happening inside her. Pale blue eyes went even paler and wider with that single tear of thanks.

Lillie had thought she would have to trade the bad movie for some juice that she had been craving since Olivia had mentioned it, but now she was certain no such thing would happen. Her nose ran wet down onto her lip.

“Okay.” was all she said, but a world of trust was in that single word.

Olivia got up and pulled a movie off the shelf, showing her the picture on the front. and leaving every choice up to her. It was a nice lady, as nice as her police lady friend in a sparkly white dress that was so pretty that Lillie took the case right out of Olivia’s hand for a closer look. So pretty. So nice. And Lillie didn’t even have to imagine the boy Disney taking it off of her. Lillie didn’t like mouseies, sometimes they were in her room to scare her, but Olivia said they were nice mice, and she believed it.

“I want it. And some juice … . please.” Not trades to get what she wanted, all she had to do was ask nice when Olivia was around. It was all very strange, but she liked it so much better than when she lived in the Crib with the other sluts. Everything would be okay now, she knew it.

Olivia watched with soft breath as the girl took the movie from her hands to inspect it further. She didn’t dare breathe for fear that she’d cause a shift in the child, and she wanted so desperately for Lillie to have something normal for once. She was no certain that Lillie hadn’t had anything normal in her entire life. There was no telling how long the monsters had been using and abusing her body and mind. So she had to be patient. 

She smiled softly when Lillie said that she wanted to watch it and that she wanted some juice. “Yes, ma’am,” she assured her. She slowly stood up, ruffling Lillie’s head gently before she moved to the kitchen. “Let me get the juice first then we can start the movie and wait for our pizza.” 

The truth was, she had needed a moment away from the child’s prying eyes so that she could break character without having her see. She was so angry and hurt and was barely holding back the tears at all the atrocities the girl had been through and the short few minutes away from her helped for her to recollect herself.

She started a pot of coffee for herself and the officers that were outside and poured the girl a glass of juice. She carried the glass of juice to her and offered it for Lillie to take. “There’s more in the kitchen when you drink all of that.” She then took the movie and slipped the disc into the dvd player and then joined her on the couch once again. 

“I really think you’ll like this movie. There’s singing and animals and just lovely stuff. My son, Noah, even likes this movie.” 

[lillie-ann]

Oh, the trust. Such trust. Llillie Ann did not really understand the word, but she was starting to understand the feeling of it. To never have to watch a scary movie again loosed something in her chest that had always been there regardless of the pains of hard handling she had felt. Pains that had been all but healed in the Hospital. Lips parted as she took in deep breaths. Believing. Believing. In her police lady's face, she saw only the truth. Never again would she have to watch a movie where grown ups took off their clothes and hurt each other. Solemn, she nodded, one tear tracking down a youth rounded cheek though the rest of her face showed no sign of the crying that was happening inside her. Pale blue eyes went even paler and wider with that single tear of thanks.

Lillie had thought she would have to trade the bad movie for some juice that she had been craving since Olivia had mentioned it, but now she was certain no such thing would happen. Her nose ran wet down onto her lip.

"Okay." was all she said, but a world of trust was in that single word. Olivia got up and pulled a movie off the shelf, showing her the picture on the front. and leaving every choice up to her. It was a nice lady, as nice as her police lady friend in a sparkly white dress that was so pretty that Lillie took the case right out of Olivia's hand for a closer look. So pretty. So nice. And Lillie didn't even have to imagine the boy Disney taking it off of her. Lillie didn't like mouseies, sometimes they were in her room to scare her, but Olivia said they were nice mice, and she believed it.

"I want it. And some juice . . . . please." Not trades to get what she wanted, all she had to do was ask nice when Olivia was around. It was all very strange, but she liked it so much better than when she lived in the Crib with the other sluts. Everything would be okay now, she knew it.

lillie-ann​:

Lillie’s heart started banging so much that her ears banged too. It was hard to think about all of it. Every movie she’d seen was scary and gross. But Olivia wanted her to watch a movie. But Olivia was the nicest ever. When she let her go and sat down, Lillie walked up to her close to look at her good face. The lady police wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t being mean either. Olivia was thinking as hard as she was. That was good. Lillie Ann knew she could tell her the truth.

“Don’t know the movie names. Don’t like it when they —-”

The child went on then, describing what she’d seen and what scared her most. She didn’t say much. It was just a few words that explained a single act that was in almost every Adult film. She used the simple words of a 6 year old who had seen it happen. There was no mistaking the content. Big blue eyes were riveted on deep brown, waiting worriedly for what would happen next.

Olivia’s stomach dropped. She didn’t think that the sick feeling she got when she found out what had been done to Lillie could get any worse. She was wrong. She felt the lump rise hard and fast in her throat, causing her to have to catch her breath. A reaction that she covered well enough that Lillie didn’t seem to react. She reached for her hand, squeezing it. 

“Sweetheart, we don’t watch movies like that here or anywhere. No one is going to ever make you watch those movies again, okay? I promise.” She wanted nothing more than find the men responsible and perform bodily harm on them. And much, much worse. 

She shifted from the couch and stood up. She moved over to the cabinet near the television and opened it. She was so grateful to see that one of the movies she suggested was among the other films. She lifted Cinderella from the shelf and moved back to sit down beside her. “See, sweetheart. This is Cinderella. It’s got singing in it and these cute little mice. Gus and Jack. I really think you’ll like this movie. But if you’re not ready…We don’t have to.” 

[lillie-ann]

Lillie's heart started banging so much that her ears banged too. It was hard to think about all of it. Every movie she'd seen was scary and gross. But Olivia wanted her to watch a movie. But Olivia was the nicest ever. When she let her go and sat down, Lillie walked up to her close to look at her good face. The lady police wasn't smiling, but she wasn't being mean either. Olivia was thinking as hard as she was. That was good. Lillie Ann knew she could tell her the truth.

"Don't know the movie names. Don't like it when they ----"

The child went on then, describing what she'd seen and what scared her most. She didn't say much. It was just a few words that explained a single act that was in almost every Adult film. She used the simple words of a 6 year old who had seen it happen. There was no mistaking the content. Big blue eyes were riveted on deep brown, waiting worriedly for what would happen next.

lillie-ann​:

Lillie nodded yes. Cheese pizza was kid pizza alright. She held on to Olivia’s hand a little bit, but held on more as they went in the door. She didn’t want anyone to be in there. When she looked up, she knew Olivia was looking too. Nobody must have been there, because Olivia’s face said it was okay then and Lillie had a big breath. Everything was going to be okay now.

Only … . she didn’t like movies. She didn’t like when they took off their clothes and bumped together. She didn’t like the sounds they made. But . . . .Olivia wouldn’t like movies would she? She couldn’t. Lillie didn’t know how to think, or what to say.

“Is … . .Disney the boy?” She asked feeling funny and watching Olivia’s face. She swallowed hard, very thirsty and her head mixed up.

Olivia could feel the tension in the child’s arm. All of the earmarks of a child that had been through something as traumatic as she had been. She hated the people that would damage any child in which they had damaged her. She knew that Lillie would never have a normal life and would always need some kind of therapy to help her deal with things that come up in a normal life even though she’d been saved at such a young age. 

She was momentarily distracted with her thoughts and almost missed what Lille was asking her. She frowned once the words sank in. She was confused. “I don’t understand what you mean, sweetheart.” 

She lead her to the couch and sat down. She let the girl pick where she would sit and how close. “Have you never seen Beauty and the Beast or Cinderella?”