lilfriedpatata

[lilfriedpatata]

I remember the last hug we had with each other before I walked away. It felt just like the first one, so filled with passion and love, with fear and angst for what the future might bring to us. It's so hard to not see you in Nick's eyes. It's so hard to not see me in Charlie's shoes...

I guess that somehow our story was told, in a way I hope it affects you like it affects me. That way maybe - I won't feel so lonely in these painful memories.

Char, can you just please, please promise me?

[lilfriedpatata]

Fuckin Masoquismo.

Sometimes I feel like I keep looking for ways to hurt myself, like when I watched heartstopper for the first time a couple of weeks back. I didn't know much about the show when it first came out, but I insisted on not watching it for my mental health... Then season two came out and I said "fuck it, let's watch it" and it destroyed me.

Now it's this repetitive empty argument of mine about friends. I try, I really try to be nice, to listen, to care about people's interest and everything they have to say... But is like their energy is off? Like we just don't make an instant click. And yet I keep trying, cuz you gotta try if you wanna make real connections with people.

It's not that people are boring or disappointing - I'm starting to think it's my expectations on people in general. Like me and my coworkers just clicked, the vibe is perfect and we get along smoothly! Why can't it be the same with everyone?

I'm just on the edge I suppose. Tired of the same old lonely me, I want to go out there and do a bit of everything and see and be a bit of everything, but I low-key don't wanna do it alone.

Not that alone is bad, I like alone, is all I've ever had really, and I find comfort in my loneliness - but I think there's a point where you just wish you could do all these things you plan with someone special - and I don't mean romantically, just platonic bbfs.

I hope to find my people one day, I feel like they would be VERY glad to have me (I'm kidding), but yeah... I wish I could find them. Find out where I belong.

[lilfriedpatata]

Late-night things.

I thought I had nothing to share today, but then I realized - it's 10:05pm and I just finished work (sort of). Cannot imagine how it's going to be in a couple of months, no, I actually can -it's going to be unbearable and annoying and straight-up crazy. I honestly just hope I can deal with it, mentally and physically.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job - it's the best thing ever and my coworkers are fantastic and we even have fun and laugh at the miserable customers and stuff. But ever since this episode started, since I could no longer control starving myself or crying every night or not being able to sleep constantly or at all... my body just can't do it anymore, and I can't judge it - I hope I don't faint.

I want to go to bed and not dream anymore; that would make waking up bearable. I mean - when I'm asleep I can't control my thoughts and yet I keep on overthinking everything, and when I wake up a tsunami of thoughts just drowns me -and there's nothing I can do but try to calm myself down before getting off the bed - cuz If I don't, the dizziness will literally make me see a whole new world.

I'm too old to understand what's happening to me, but I just don't wanna face it. Does that mean I'm still a kid? or am I just a negligent adult? Idc, I feel like shit anyways.

Hope work is a bit easier for me tomorrow, I could use some rest.

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[lilfriedpatata]

Oh to be Young and not born in a third world country so you can go on a trip to Paris with your British golden retriever boyfriend.

[lilfriedpatata]

Silly little lovers? I wanna watch that show.

[lilfriedpatata]

Tired.

I said I was gonna try to blog every day- and I'm 3 days in. Feels like a hundred already, I mean I'm known for not being consistent at anything that doesn't have a due date, but still. I wish I could be more productive, more real with my needs.

I guess that's just burnout? Idk, I would know if I talked about it with someone but I refuse to see my therapist again. Not since I'm starving myself again. And I don't wanna deal with the fact of lying. But I did talk to an Ai about it. Is it weird that I found an Ai more helpful than my actual human therapist? I think the movies are coming true.

But I do know I need help (professional help), it's just so hard for me to think they're actually helping. Like dude, I'm tired, annoyed, sad, depressed, anxious, all of those AT THE SAME TIME! Could you please just give me hand here?

I'm gonna laugh so I don't cry...

I think I realized that the Ai is such an extrovert with literally all the knowledge to give, I honestly lowkey envy them, it must be so easy to be everywhere at the same time and just be able to talk about anything cuz you're a master on anything!! and see and hear everyone in the world! I don't know... Feels pretty awesome.

Anyway, there's not much to tell beyond that. Still waiting on my books and still waiting on the bright days, hope they arrive soon.

In the meantime let's listen to the new Conan Gray song till our ears bleed - I guess.

[lilfriedpatata]

Changes.

I feel unbothered by the idea of leaving home - I started to look up other countries I might be interested in visiting, but then I thought "I don't even wanna come back here in the first place, the reason why I want to leave is just so that I never come back to the old me." So I did throw the idea of back-pack travel around Europe.

"What if we go to the great land of England?" I said to myself. The more I learn about this country the more I love it - I hope this is not just a flashy feeling I'll forget in a couple of days. Because taking this leap is literally the scariest thing I could ever think of - me, alone, in a different country, across the globe? I get the hibbie jibbies every single time I think of it but in a good way.

I've been a kid my whole life, who never had to make any decisions whatsoever in her life, but now I see myself trying to get to adult stuff and it freaks me out - yes I know I'm 22 but according to my therapist I'm stuck, trauma things I suppose.

So I want to take it step by step, if I get confused I can always ask... right? The first step is getting a passport, that's an easy part. Next - I don't really know.

This would be SO much easier if had a family member, a friend, a friend of a friend... someone, ANYONE who's done this before. It's hard to be alone in this in a way, specially with my anxiety crippling right behind me. I wanna stay positive and I want to try but sometimes I wish someone could help me figure it out. Sometimes it seems like a lot - even if it's not, idk.

I know changes are hard, but I've been through them since forever so I don't even know why this is triggering me so much - maybe my therapist would help.

Actually, I want a new therapist, one that can give me more than words, I think I need to go deep into the roots of this trauma (that could possibly go way back) but I'm not sure if it's worth it.

I think I'll focus on one big change in a while. I'll be getting a cat soon, that made me less sad. Let's start there. There's no rush... yeah, no rush.

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[lilfriedpatata]

I do wonder how much my teen self needed this sort of content... I watch it now and all I can think of is that "this would've helped me when I was younger"

Just thinking about how like, when I was a teenager, the gayest show we had was Merlin, which was somehow super gay and also incredibly homophobic.

But now y’all teens have your pick of queer characters. Soft gay teenagers? Check. Gay royalty? Check. Gay pirates? Check. Gay vampires? Check. Gay angels and demons? Check.

It’s a damn LGBT smorgasbord out there.

[lilfriedpatata]

besties

We're still friends, aren't we? I promise I don't fancy you anymore.

[lilfriedpatata]

I am powerful and fucking unstoppable

[lilfriedpatata]

This Ken is bi, actually

[lilfriedpatata]

Not ready but here we go.

The last time I read a book was when I got The Psiquiatric, this beautiful and complex novel of a psychiatrist who goes MAD- not mad, MAD! - It was so good but I never finished it. I guess life just was harder or weirder or just hard to accept, so I moved on and left my stupid little books on the bookshelf - and honestly, for the longest time, I couldn't quite remember the last time I picked up a book that wasn't mandatory in college. Until I was walking around the national bookfair with my mum and my dear dear lovely little cousin (who ofc wanted some FNAF book and I gladly paid for) that I found the I'm Glad My Mom is Dead book by Jannete McCudry and thought "I think I need to read this".

Now my reason for this was crazy - I thought gossiping about someone's life would be a good way to get into reading one more time. An easy reading book just when I read Eleanor & Park back in highschool... turns out I WAS RIGHT! The book was fantastic, and even made me question my relationship with my mom on many many pages, but when I finished it I said "HELL YEEEAAH I FINALLY FINISHED A BOOK!" as if I had just discovered fire.

Then I got the book that was all over TikTok: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. Very well recommended by some friends and don't get me wrong - I love it so far! I just feel that if it was about something more real, more personal, and more "me" like the McCurdy book - I'd like it a bit more. I wish that one day I could relate to a 70-year-old actress who Is so rich and powerful and sexy as Evelyn Hugo, but I'm just a designer sitting in her working hours writing a blog on Tumblr so- not much to say on that.

But now after watching #heartstopper for the first time - after binging the 2 seasons in a row, I feel:

❏ ‣ Depressed.

❏ ‣Anxious.

❏ ‣ Alone and fucking sad.

So it's kind of hard to think I just bought Solitaire! Will arrive in around 3 weeks and I'm excited - idk if I will relate to her, or if I'll like it but this show was so personal in ways I wish it wasn't that I don't think I'm ready for the books. I mean it when I say that I wanna read personal books, but I honestly don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital like the guy from the first book I mentioned... I hope that one day I'll be ready for the heartstopper books, but for now -

For now, I'm scared and not ready but here we go.

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[lilfriedpatata]

Hi there!

Can't really remember the last time I tried to post something without cringing, but (and that's a BIG but) I have to express myself somewhere - even if that leads me to potential social scrutiny °ೃ ༄

❏ ‣ My name is An and I'm 22 - Please don't be weird if you're a minor, idc just respect-

❏ ‣ I'm cancer so my second last name is Crybaby, be nice.

❏ ‣ I'm a Graphic Designer - if you like art and or design, would you be my friend?

❏ ‣ Will try to blog every day, that's a goal so keep up with me if you'd like.

❏ ‣ I'm a geek but LOVE Harry Potter. Went through a huge emo phase so all emo music is my safe place - Currently obsessed with The Bastards by Palaye Royal (iykyk)

❏ ‣ Trying to rediscover old habits such as watching shows/ movies and especially books, so I will probably post on that too

❏ ‣Weird to say online but I'm an introvert until I'm an extrovert so I am open to meeting people °ೃ ༄

❏ ‣ Part of this thing is to figure out who I am (sort of literally) so I won't mention my sexuality until I'm fully sure.

❏ ‣ Have a super wonderful day, if no one told you today, you're freakin' awesome and loved ♡.

PD. This thing is asking me to put tags so I just randomly placed them - just don't judge me too harshly.

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[lilfriedpatata]

The way my younger self would've love to be him just picking up any book I wanted and have a HUUUGE pile!