lifewithoutachaser

[lifewithoutachaser]

Addiction

It's actually a disease. I've been denying this for the longest time but it's hard to accept the fact. Making a conscious decision to do something which will afflict all areas of life negatively, should hardly be considered a disease. I thought that was just called stupidity or insanity. I used to just call it my bad habits, or lack of will power or just a straight up desire to get fucked up. After years of feeding my bad habits, the easier it was to deny that there was a problem. Like yeah eh one drunk-in-public never killed anyone. Okay 2- not too bad it was just wrong place wrong time. 3? Someone definitely force fed me absinthe- totally unavoidable. Ah number 4! I must have shitty luck.... What is this? A DUI? Pfff everyone has one, it's just a coming of age thing. Plus I'm almost 3 years graduated of that, I can legally drink and drive again soon. I graduated college and almost graduated my DUI- winning in my book! Ok let's see what kind of fancy job I will get when I graduate. Maybe I'll be a CPA or a lawyer... or I'll work a crap telemarketing job until I figure it out. Everyone gets stuck in a limbo after college anyways. Drinking on the job? Psh that's what sales is! Everyone else does it, and what kind of lunatic would actually survive cold calling all day to sell a shitty software product to realtors? Props to whatever shameless fuckface who can tolerate that. Ah screw ye olde desk jobs. I'm better at being a server anyways. Plus free food. Binge eating bread all day and trying not to spill drinks on people (it happens to everyone... what's a couple lost tips anyways?) Life is full of excuses. I have so many to get out of things that I can make a how-to guide and I'd have a chapter for each excuse. Slept in? Roommates car was blocking you in and took her car keys with her (your employer doesn't have to know you don't have a tandem garage). Got in a fender bender on the way. Took NyQuil instead of DayQuil. Oil change took longer than anticipated. Chipped your tooth. Helping a buddy move out and had to return the U-Haul. 5 freeway is backed up due to a car accident. Shower exploded and overflowed so you've been busy bailing water out of the tub until the plumber arrives. And the classic: "I'm sick" (definitely hungover) lazy excuse. Notice a pattern for everything so far? Justifying my behavior has developed in me a habit. A habit that is addictive and fueled by a selfish attitude. The disease itself isn't the alcoholism, rather, the excuses and not-my-fault-isms. I convince myself that the world is out to get me and it's someone's else's mess to clean up. There's only so many people who will tolerate my irresponsibility and unreliability until there's no one else to clean up my mess but me. Sobriety will be a foundation, but persistence is key. I think science says something like 3 weeks forms a habit? Bad habits are hard to break, and good habits are harder to form. Okay Kennedy: NO MORE DRINKING AND DRIVING, NO MORE BROKEN AND LOST BELONGINGS (phone, laptop, wallet, car keys- at least the essentials to start with), NO MORE DRUNKENLY PEEING BEDS OR COUCHES, AND NO MORE LOST JOBS OR LYING ALIBIS. That is all for now, Love Kennedy.