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[lifewithanemotionalabuser]

Am I Too Sensitive Or Overreacting?

The answer to this question is a resounding NO! If someone tells you that you are being too sensitive or that you are overreacting when you tell them something they have said or done that upset you that is them attempting to minimize your feelings so that they do not have to take responsibility for how they made you feel. I have also been told that I am in control of my emotions and it's my fault if something upsets me, not his. This is true to some extent. But when someone screams at you and calls you a "dumb fat f*cking c*nt", it can be a little bit difficult not to take offense to that and be hurt by it. If you are constantly belittled and either being told outright that you are stupid or in a vague roundabout way, which narcissists are very good at, it's hard not to internalize that and start to feel that way about yourself. If every time you try to talk to your emotional abuser (EA), they dismiss your feelings and walk away or leave or, even worse, turn it around on you and leave you feeling like you are the one at fault when in fact you were the one who had a grievance, it is them minimizing you.

A narcissistic EA will depersonalize their partner so that they no longer view them as a fellow human being, instead as an object, so that they do not have to feel guilt over the things they say to you and the way they treat you. While you are lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, and most likely, crying, they are able to lay down and fall asleep in 5 minutes because they have no unpleasant emotions keeping them awake.

I broke up with my EA approximately 1 month ago. At first, our pattern remained the same as it had been when we previously had terrible arguments or the several times I broke up with him in the past. He would get home from work and leave almost immediately and stay gone all night and be gone almost all day on the weekends. Previously, this would upset me and I would inevitably start texting him. (The reason for text messaging in my case and not face-to-face conversations is because he would become so vile that I was scared to even say that I was upset with him in front of him. Also, I get nervous and I am able to compose my thoughts better with a few moments to think about them in a text message.) He would basically ignore any specific mention of something he did or said that hurt me. He would, and I put a stop to this, call me crazy many times. (I especially took offense to this because I am bipolar and I have borderline personality disorder. So, while it took quite some time, he did eventually stop using the word "crazy". )

He instead fell back on his old favorite which is telling me that I am trying to argue and he doesn't want to argue and to stop texting him. I have never been able to get through to him that there is a difference between having a conversation and having an argument. In the mind of an EA, any mention of something they have said or done that is wrong or that hurt you is an attempt to start an argument because they do not believe they have done anything wrong. If it is something extreme, such as cheating, they really have no choice but to admit that it was wrong yet will still turn it around on you because you should "be over it by now" and "it's not going to happen again". They simply do not feel empathy for their partner. (Sometimes this can also include their children and many times it does.)

That is another big point, as well. Only they are in control of a conversation (argument) and they are the ones who decide when it is over. The thing is, I have learned that I don't need a response, I only need to send the messages I need to send and know that he received them.

In extreme cases, he has gone so far as to shut off his phone. If that isn't a big slap in the face telling you that your feelings are not important and that he does not care about you or respect then I don't know what is.

It has never mattered when I try to start a conversation about our relationship. There is always an excuse not to have it on his part. Either he is off work and he is trying to relax for the evening or it is the weekend and he is just trying to have fun or we have his daughter and, according to him, I always want to "start sh*t when she is here".

Now that I am learning more about how a narcissistic EA operates, I am able to send a clear, succinct, and to the point text message. I have even begun ending them with "I am turning my phone off and I do not want to hear back from you". This accomplishes several things. First, I am obviously not trying to start a dialogue, or an argument in his mind, if I don't want him to respond. Second, I am telling him the I don't care what he has to say in response because I am turning my phone off and will not even receive the message or phone call. Third, and most important, he is UNABLE TO CALL ME. When my EA has "had enough" through text message, he will inevitably try to call me because he doesn't want there to be a record of what he is going to say to me. He claims it is because he does not like text messaging, and I know that he does not, but if he can send me 10 text messages and then all of a sudden has to call me, I know from past experience that he is going to say cruel and awful things to me that he does not want me to be able to screenshot to show anyone else. Fourth, I am able to lay down and relax and go to sleep without worrying about my phone going off for any reason. It takes the pressure off of expecting a response and hoping, even though history does not support this, that this time he will magically get it and feel guilt for the way he has been treating me for years and acknowledge it.

As much as it tears at my heart and the very fiber of my being, I have had to face the hard truth that there is very little chance that he will ever change his thinking and treat me as his emotional equal.

Like I said in the beginning, 12 years is a long time.

[lifewithanemotionalabuser]

The End Is The Begininning

Twelve years. Twelve years is a long time. I don't know at what point I started to feel like something was wrong. Looking back it had to be pretty early. Just little things. Before I knew it I was in a full-blown dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately, it wasn't just dysfunctional. It turns out I have been living with and loving a narcissistic emotional abuser. It turns out there were a lot of signs on the way that I either chose to ignore or I didn't know what to call them because I wasn't sure if I was being mistreated or we simply had different needs emotionally.

Even though it was only 2 weeks ago I can't even remember how I stumbled upon the support group that I became a part of and that has opened my eyes in such a very short time and in such a dramatic way. Let me be clear, this is not a bunch of man-hating women who get online and complain about how lazy their partners are or how they never take them on dates or how they won't help with this or that. This is a group of women who have been abused across various platforms including mental, emotional, and physical. Many times all at once. We have been conditioned and programmed to you feel like we are the problem, we are the ones at fault, and my personal favorite, that we are crazy. Manipulation on the part of the emotional abuser (EA) runs rampant through these relationships. Some of it is conscious and some of it is unconscious because it has become such a pattern for the EA that he doesn't even realize he is doing it sometimes. The EA simply has to get his way no matter what the cost and no matter the damage it causes to his partner.

I will be focusing on the male / female relationship because that is my experience but this can happen in any relationship including familial and friendships, even workplace relationships can have this dynamic. It's everywhere. Narcissists are everywhere.

Names will remain a secret for my own protection. I can tell you that I am a 42 year old woman living in a mid-sized city in the Midwest. I met my EA when I was 29 years old and fresh out of a marriage and not yet divorced. My marriage only lasted a short time but it caused me many wounds and perhaps made me vulnerable to ignoring the red flags because I was so taken with this man that I met. I was starving for love and attention and he gave it to me. And then he didn't. Most likely, my post will jump around in time because while everyone wants to start at the beginning and end up at the end, it's the parts in the middle that make the biggest impact.

I hope some people find me here. I hope that I can help some people while I'm helping myself heal. I have a lot of healing to do because being with a narcissistic EA leaves you feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. I don't want that anymore. I don't even want the person I used to be anymore. I want to be something new and better that I have ever been before in my life.