liferefreshed

[liferefreshed]

Building on the Rock

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it. (Matt 7:24-27)

I think we have a tendency to believe that this passage and others like it teach us that, with a foundation built on Christ (the rock), adversity won't damage us. I'm not convinced that's the intended message, at least not for me. After all, it doesn't just say that the rain descended, but it also says that the floods came. Does that mean raging water gathered around the rock like in the Primary illustrations or did the rains literally flood the house? I'm thinking the latter. And it doesn't end there. The passage also steps beyond saying the winds blew, adding that they beat upon the house. Beat upon. It sounds to me like this house was pretty rattled up, pretty broken really.

When we face adversity and we end up completely broken, I don't think it's because we didn't prepare. Because our faith wasn't strong enough. Because we did something wrong.

How does the outcome of the storm differ between each house? Both houses were thrashed, both were broken. But the house built on the sand fell. And what happened to the house built on the rock? It "fell not". Honestly, I'm not even sure that this means the house is still standing. I'm thinking it might actually be in crumbles. But the difference is those crumbles lie on the rock—on the foundation.

I think the reason that God teaches us to build on his foundation isn't so that we go untattered, but it's so that when there's almost nothing left of us, we're lying in pieces on the Savior's back.

When we've spent our lives doing what we can to "heareth" his sayings and trying our best to "doeth them", we learn who Christ is. We experience Him. We know Him. We build on top of Him.

When we find ourselves at our lowest of lows, we remember. We know where to turn. We know how to reach for him. Sometimes we don't feel like we're able to grasp him and sometimes it takes a long, long time. But the promise I think the Savior is giving in this passage, is that He will not leave us. The rock will always be there.

[liferefreshed]

Color

I used to see the world in black and white. There was right and there was wrong. If you made the right decisions you would be blessed and happy. The wrong decisions would lead to misery and heartache.

It wasn’t until my marriage that I started to see that life wasn’t as simple as black and white. Sometimes a nice gesture to my wife would somehow lead to an angry outburst. And misery. And heartache. What was right was also wrong.

The choice to divorce was the most difficult choice I’ve ever made in my life, by at least an order of magnitude. I had to choose between two wrong things: holding to the marriage I had fully committed to and sealed in God’s eyes—the marriage that was destroying who I was as a person and shielding me from seeing any of God’s mercy—and throwing that commitment aside, letting the sacred marriage crumble. They both felt so wrong. It tore me apart and even though I was eventually able to feel God’s hand leading me in that decision, I needed his constant affirmation to keep me from falling into the despair and hopelessness that accompanied such a devastating and “wrong” decision.

As I pulled through the despair I started to see more around me. I realized that other people’s lives weren’t as simple as black and white, just like my own. Each person’s struggle was individual and not simply tied to the consequences of a wrong decision.

And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. (John 9:2-3)

Over the next year I faced a long, uphill battle seeking to emerge from my experience as a better person (or at least an equal person to who I was before). In some ways, the year after was harder then the two years prior. I had suppressed and pushed aside as much as I could. I hadn’t dealt with the pain I experienced. 

There were moments when I felt like God had abandoned me, while in other moments I felt him carrying me where I could not go myself. I was devastated, but I also felt the loving embrace of the Savior in a way I never had before. The atonement became something so much more real and my relationship with Christ so much more personal. I emerged with deep empathy for all the many people who carried heavy burdens like my own.

And as I got to know these people, I started to see how much more depth and color their experiences brought. The moments of despair and the times where their deepest beliefs were challenged were what made them real. The struggles of life is much more than black or white or even a whole lot of gray. Life in this broken world is life filled with color. Some dark and filled with pain, but others bright and filled with joy. It’s for the color that God brought us here.

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If Jesus needed certain experiences, might we also require some challenges and trials, ‘that [our] bowels may be filled with mercy according to the flesh, that [we] may know according to the flesh how to succor [one another] according to [our] infirmities?’

The Condescension of God and of Man, Elder D. Todd Christofferson

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The Savior's Empathy

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows” - Isaiah 53:4

In a pure and sacred act, the Savior bore the grief of all who would live. He suffered to the extent that Amulek called it “an infinite and eternal sacrifice.” Why must his sacrifice be infinite? Because only then could he completely understand our every heartache and only then could he truly rescue us when we plead for his divine reach.

In a supreme and perfect act of empathy, the Savior suffered everything we ever would, making it possible for him to carry us in “our sorrows”. His perfect example taught us that empathy is more than simply caring, it’s carrying.

[liferefreshed]

Great thoughts, thanks so much for sharing!!

Why Do We Commit Before Knowing?

Every so often some of my unresolved concerns about marriage bubble back up. I had a lot on my mind today, so I met up for dinner with a friend. After working through some things that had been on my mind with this friend I landed on a question that hasn’t left me.

Why has God set up marriage in a way that requires a complete and eternal commitment to the other person before really knowing how well it’s going to work?

It’s no wonder many people live together before getting married and having kids. It makes logical sense in providing a much more realistic view of how likely the potential marriage is to succeed. So why, instead, has God asked us to enter into the commitment of marriage without having experienced that life with the person?

Is it because every marriage takes work so a way out early doesn’t really guarantee good marriages? Or is it so we learn trust? Or faith? Or something else? I don’t know why, but on this one I’m determined to find out why. There’s a reason and I’d like to know. If you have thoughts on this one, please share.

[liferefreshed]

Why Do We Commit Before Knowing?

Every so often some of my unresolved concerns about marriage bubble back up. I had a lot on my mind today, so I met up for dinner with a friend. After working through some things that had been on my mind with this friend I landed on a question that hasn't left me. Why has God set up marriage in a way that requires a complete and eternal commitment to the other person before really knowing how well it's going to work? It's no wonder many people live together before getting married and having kids. It makes logical sense in providing a much more realistic view of how likely the potential marriage is to succeed. So why, instead, has God asked us to enter into the commitment of marriage without having experienced that life with the person? Is it because every marriage takes work so a way out early doesn't really guarantee good marriages? Or is it so we learn trust? Or faith? Or something else? I don't know why, but on this one I'm determined to find out why. There's a reason and I'd like to know. If you have thoughts on this one, please share.

[liferefreshed]

How to Manipulate Someone You Love

Manipulating someone you love is actually quite easy. You can follow a few simple steps:

Make your preferred actions and choices of this person known

When the person acts or chooses otherwise, react negatively

Repeat

You’ll find that by doing this more and more, the person you love will start to make choices based on what is the least likely to lead to your negative reaction, rather than what they feel is the best choice to make. It’s very effective.

The difference between emotional abuse and being human is the depth and frequency of this behavior. We all do it, because we’re all human. Let’s do more to treat those we love with admiration, support, and respect. Love is about helping others become their best self—not the self we selfishly hope they’ll be.

[liferefreshed]

The Power of Friendship

Yesterday morning I set out to ride the most grueling climb I know with a new goal—to make it to the top without stopping. There were surprisingly few cyclists on the road, so I started up the hill without another soul in sight. I climbed and I climbed and I climbed. I was gasping for air as I pedaled as slow as I possibly could in my easiest gear. I rounded a corner to face one of the steepest segments and was surprised to see a runner descending.

As we passed each other she yelled out “You’re awesome! You’ve got this.” And of course I replied “YOU are awesome! You’re RUNNING this thing!”

Just a moment later another runner came into view and, as we passed each other, she yelled “Way to go!”

Sure enough, with the boost of encouragement I endured the remainder of the climb and reached the peak without stopping.

My life experiences over the past few years have been much more difficult to face then the biggest mountain I could ever ride. The people that I’ve come across have made it possible. Most have no idea how much of a difference the positive things they say make in my life.

Hearing so many negative things about myself in my marriage destroyed a lot of who I am. I questioned my self worth. I exited my marriage thinking I was a terrible person. I ached to be the person I was years prior.

I’ve said a lot about how much the love of those around me has helped me to restore my life, recognize good, and become a better person. My family, my therapist, and kind people everywhere. But today I wanted to share how much a specific friend has helped me over the past few months.

This friend has a wonderful gift—the ability to see good. And she uses that gift to extend God’s love by helping others to recognize the good in themselves. As I’ve spent time with her, I’ve felt the holes left in me be filled. She takes time to point out my positive qualities and to remind me of my worth. Thank you, friend.

Everyone needs a friend like this. I hope I can be one too.

[liferefreshed]

But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

Isaiah 64:8

[liferefreshed]

Living with Abuse

In an effort to help others build empathy for those who live with abuse, I’ve decided to share a bit of what it’s like.

Living with abuse is feeling immense pressure to skip lunch and work as few hours as possible

Living with abuse is being yelled at for having taken too long to get ready when your spouse isn’t yet ready themselves

Living with abuse is feeling your heart beat drastically increase at the first sign of their anxiety

Living with abuse is taking 30 seconds to sit on your closet floor and cry, before recomposing yourself and pretending nothing ever happened

Living with abuse is feeling guilty for enjoying moments of solitude

Living with abuse is seeing your other relationships fall away because you can’t share what’s really going on

Living with abuse is not being able to say that what your spouse has done has hurt you, because you just can’t say that multiple times a day

Living with abuse is being told “you used to be more thoughtful” and “I don’t even like you anymore”, while you hold inside the thing that haunts you most—that the person you married used to build you up, but now tears you down

Living with abuse is convincing yourself that it’s not that bad, that it’ll get better, and that if you can just stop doing so many things wrong, they won’t have a reason to be upset with you

Abuse is real. Far more people live with it than you might think. Some of them forever rationalize it as okay. Others eventually learn that it’s not okay. Every day I thank God that it’s no longer the life I live. That I could start fresh.

[liferefreshed]

To Be Real

I recently told someone that one of the best things that came out of my divorce was that I become more real. She asked what I meant by being real. I didn’t really have an answer and am not so sure I do now, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.

I think part of being real is that I’ve been through experiences so incredibly difficult that I can better comprehend what others go through. Let’s take, for example, the topic of LGBT in the church.

To have the desire of your heart be in complete conflict with the gospel that you hold dear must be a terrible burden to bear. Because of my experiences, I’ve carved out a little place in my heart to share with those who endure this trial. You see, I used to ache in my heart thinking about eternal marriage. While the doctrine brought hope to many, I couldn’t see it as anything but a terrible prison, tearing away any hope for a happy future. I hadn’t learned yet that God didn’t want me trapped in an abusive marriage. It seems silly to think anything otherwise, but it was a very real struggle that lasted for quite some time.

Just like me, those who hold onto their faith in the gospel, but struggle with SSA, must ache in their own hearts. The burden they carry is very real, and having carried a burden myself, I think in a way I can help them carry theirs. As I watch others struggle with these heartbreaking trials, I mourn in my heart.

Perhaps what it means to be real is to be able to truly “mourn with those that mourn.” With a heart that has been equally broken.

[liferefreshed]

It’s Been a Year

It’s been a year since I made the hardest decision of my life—to end a marriage I had given everything to.

It’s been a year since the most difficult day of my life, helping my ex-wife pack up her stuff and sorting through everything we had created together.

It’s been a year since I opened the laundry room door and burst into tears after finding all the remaining inspirational scripture stickies she made for me stuck onto the cupboards.

It’s been a year since I nearly broke down in front of my manager and told him it was too much for me to say what was going on in my life.

It’s been a year since my angel mother came down to spend a few days with me on just a moment’s notice.

It’s been a year of recovery from all that plagued me during the prior three.

It’s been a year of rebuilding my life and rediscovering who I am.

It’s been a year of bigger ups and downs than I thought possible.

It’s been a year of seeing the Savior work through others to show me how much He loves me.

It’s been a year of learning that God hasn’t forgotten me.

It’s been a life that I never imagined, but a life I’m grateful to live.

[liferefreshed]

I really appreciate the openness and honesty of this post. I can connect with not always desiring the blessings of the plan of salvation. While in my marriage, it was hard not to see eternal marriage as a prison. While others would share their testimonies of eternal marriage, I would ache inside, imagining the pain I experienced continuing on forever. Even after finding my way out of the situation, it’s still not easy to envision a happy marriage followed by a happy eternity. I have faith that with time and healing I can once again build my testimony of God’s plan, his holy house, and the gift of eternal marriage.

[liferefreshed]

[liferefreshed]

Healing through Faith

And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, and had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, when she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.

For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

...[Jesus] said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague. (Mark 5:25-34)

I’ve always loved this miracle because of how clearly it shows that through Christ we can be healed of any ailment. As I sat in church today pondering the miracle and my own search for healing, I started to look at the miracle differently.

Part of what makes this miracle so incredible is that, in the span of twelve years, this woman spent all she had seeking healing through perhaps the best physicians of the time, but only grew worse. Yet in a single moment the Savior healed her completely.

As I pondered the miracle I thought about those twelve years. Did she try every potential solve she could come across—in desperation and to no avail? When the Savior walked by did she think “I’ve heard that somehow that man can heal. Perhaps if I touch him I’ll somehow be healed”? While her healing happened in a moment, I don’t believe that her faith was only a moment of blind faith.

Instead, I imagine that she spent years seeking divine help. That over many countless nights she pleaded with her heavenly father that he might only cause the pain to soften. For years it only grew worse, but she didn’t lose faith. In that moment when the Savior walked near, she reached out and, in her culminating act of faith, touched his garment knowing full well that she would be healed. Though the healing happened in a short moment, her faith, which the Lord commended, was demonstrated over the years that led to this event.

Healing comes in a different way and at a different time to all who have faith. I can’t expect a single moment of faithful pleading to bring healing from years of emotional abuse. But I do know that by faithfully seeking divine help and continuing forward trusting in him without concern for his timing, the moment will come when the Savior extends his hand to me. Like this woman, I too will be healed.

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Of course divorce is an option. When we forget that, we judge incorrectly. We have a stigma within our churches and even within society that says, 'Divorce isn’t an option' and instead of it being meant as, 'Divorce shouldn’t ever be the first option and it shouldn’t be the convenient escape route' it casts a bad light on those who are left, who have to leave because of abuse or addiction, or for those who found themselves oppressed or abandoned in some other way.

http://lemmonythings.com/2015/02/20/divorce-is-an-option/

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Where are we supposed to get our self-worth from? I know that we have infinite worth simply because we are children of God, but it takes time to develop a testimony of that principle. I also know that basing how we feel about ourselves on the perceptions of others, instead of the perception of God, is the wrong way to understand our own worth.

http://ldsliving.com/story/78792-8-lessons-about-mormon-life-ive-learned-as-a-convert